Should I dump him? Disrespectful, "too busy," mama's boy...

[alibabac]

I'm having a hard time... My boyfriend and I are together now about 1 yr 2 months. He's 25 and I just turned 30. We had a rough road because he was struggling with employment, his identity, and he had some serious attachment issues to his parents. His parents are still married but his dad lives in the basement & is pretty 'vacant' so bf has taken on the husband role a lot. I made sincere attempts to befriend his mom, but she still viewed me as competition and on several occasions, she tried to sabotage our relationship. In fact, at one point he was 'sorta' living with me but stirring up all sorts of drama, talking about how he should live at home, how his mom thought we were 'living in sin,' feeling guilty, etc. One night we got into a fight on IM and he was accusing me of all sorts of things, saying I don't love his parents, saying I was selfish and ungrateful not to recognize the wonderful woman his mother is because I don't visit her every week and be her best friend, how I sit back and expect to be waited on hand-and-foot when she invites me for dinner (I do dishes and clean up and help cook!), how I don't put together big dinner parties and entertain... It turns out, his mom was standing right behind him and telling him to write this stuff. So I made him move out. He admitted that his mom is a narcissist and mentally ill, so I don't go up to his house anymore, drawing that line.

 

I thought much of his immaturity was because of not having a job...But now he recently got a full time job of physical labor & is in pain a lot of the times. His mom also got shingles over a month ago, so he's been tending to her. Unfortunately, I rarely see him anymore and several times we have agreed to go out after work... one time he kept putting me off for an hour and then canceled (he had taken his mom to the doc & then he needed to take a bath to soothe his aches & pains from working)... The other time, he kept putting me off for 2 hours & then canceled for the same reasons. I didn't put up a fuss about this at all, just observed it and said OKAY. I was hoping that he would reschedule with me but he seemed too overwhelmed.

 

Recently, I have developed a case of ringworm (probably from the gym). It is spreading all over! It is very hard for me to reach some of the places to treat it and I have expressed this to him. He helps his mom with everything at the drop of a hat and takes their little dog to the vet saying "poor dog has flea bites all over her." There was only one time he offered to help me put on some creams but that was when he was actually at my place after I had taken a shower but he's here so rarely now. The last time he was here, we cuddled on the couch and I told him how much I missed him and wished we could spend more time together. I was also being intimate at the same time... He made me stop what I was doing, told me not to touch him and said I was making him feel guilty, then he fell asleep, and when he woke up went straight home. One night I sent him some texts telling him I missed him next to me, I want my man with me in my bed, etc... He didn't respond to me almost half a day later and I asked him if he was OK. He said "You woke me up at 2am, I am having a terrible day, there are angry people at my job, but I am good." I would rather he just write "I miss you too, sorry for being busy..." He says he doesn't stay over due to the fact that I have ringworm, but he cuddles me on the couch, what difference is that?

 

The other day at my work, I was offered to attend a dinner for the 50th anniversary of a local company where the billionaire who owned it would be present. I could bring a guest for free, which would obviously be my boyfriend. The dinner would be lavish, awesome and free but we would only be able to stay for an hour or so because I had to teach a class that night. So I texted bf and invited him to go... He calls me up and is all overwhelmed, saying his mom wants to go out to dinner because she's been cooped up from shingles and needs to get out. He's stressing that I asked him such a thing, saying something along the lines "you just drop this on me," and I had to stop him right there and say "You know what, you don't have to go. It's FREE so don't have an attitude with me. If you and your mom want to go, she can pose as me and you can go together." He was taken aback by my offer and said he would propose it to her. Then he texted me shortly after that his mom is feeling too weak to go. The next day at our work meeting, everyone was asking how the dinner went and, embarrassed, I had to tell them we didn't go.

 

So at this point, I'm really starting to wonder where exactly he is at... At this point I am feeling slightly rejected and unsupported. So I sent him a picture of my naked back - it had bandages all over it because I wanted him to see what I'm dealing with - plus I have a sexy back with a sexy butt and wanted him to see that at least. I didn't get ANY response from him until I texted HELLLOOOOOO. All he said was "Oy vey," and I said "Don't you like it?" He said "You look like a mummy." This wasn't the response I was looking for... I hoped he would say something like "Oh so sorry you have to deal with that, you still look sexy and I'd bang you if I could..." But his callous response almost made me cry because I felt rejected ( again)...

 

Later that day around 4pm, I am working at my full time job and he IM's me saying that we should go to a movie (finally he has some time!!). It's a movie of his choice, which is usually the case as I'm not so much a movie-goer. I look up a time that works for us both, 7:45. I have to sub a fitness class at 5:45, then need to shower/apply ointment/eat directly after so I warned him it would be tight for me and I'll be scrambling. On top of that, I have been cat-sitting, and the owner wanted to come by and pick up her cat that very night. I told him she would be there once the movie was over probably around 9:30 or 10. He said "You realize the movie is 2 hours right?" I said "Yah so I'll send her a note that I'll text her when we're done." From my full time job, I rush home at 4:30, fix up my bandage / ointments and get ready to teach in a pool room at 110 degrees.. I get home 7:05, overheated, and I text him "OMG get me a sammich!!" He writes back "LOL I don't have bison meat for you, sorry" (I had gotten bison medallions to try, but this is besides the point). I said "No seriously, I still need to shower and eat something so if you could.." He writes back, "I'm coming to get you." I said "I literally just got home and am just getting in the shower." He says "OK then when do you want me to get you?" I said "If you want, can you pick something up for me and then come?" I hop in the shower, 5 minutes BAM I am done. Lo and behold, his next text to me was "Forget about it." I write "What, I am ready." He says "I'm not in the mood anymore." Then I call him and he is chewing me out, saying I had ALL day to plan for this, how things are always around my schedule, and how I even put the cat before him. I'm trying to tell him I AM READY TO GO come and get me, and he is saying he doesn't want to go with me anymore. He says "I am going alone. You can stay home and eat. F*ck you, you always do this, you never plan ahead and we are always late to movies." I said, "Hun you just told me about this at 4pm, and you know I was scrambling and I told you this was going to be a tight night. The cat plans were already there and I'm texting her AFTER the movie. I asked if you could pick me something up to eat on the way here. I do things all the time for you when you're scrambling to help you out because that's what people do for each other!" He then said, "I don't want to go with you if I have to listen to you whine about how hungry you are the whole time. I'm hanging up now." I hung up then on him before he had a chance. I left him a voicemail message and several texts telling him how hurt I was that he dissed me twice in one day. I really don't know what to think about this outrage he had for me. I was so angry and sad over this. It has been 2 days and I haven't heard from him.

 

All I want is for love, for support and closeness, and some respect. He tells me "If you want to see me, you're welcome to come up to my place and visit." But that's where his crazy mother is and I told him I need to protect myself. Then he gets mad and says "That's your choice, but remember, you're the one who kicked me out and I happen to live here now. I'm too tired and in pain to come down to you all the time." (WE LIVE TWO FREAKING BLOCKS AWAY FROM EACH OTHER!) I don't like to -for-tat, but I have dropped everything before to help him with things, like writing or editing his resumes, going with him to the store for his elbow supports etc, giving him massages... Whatever I can do to make life easier for him, I do. Granted, he is the type of guy where the sky is always falling so he usually seems to have a lot of things wrong and needs a lot of help.

 

I know he's been very busy lately but I'm starting to feel like he's deliberately pushing me away. We had a couple of long phone fights a few weeks ago where he talked about us taking a break, but when I told him "OK.. call me sometime then" he got all mad and said "MAYBE we should take a break, I didn't say for sure." The next day, I hid my Facebook status and then received an angry text from him "We are not broken up so quit hiding your status. Thank you."

 

Whenever I try to talk to him about our relationship and that he seems like he doesn't want to be with me, he tells me "You know I have been really busy, but you can choose what you want to believe but it's not true." I love him and want to be supportive, but this is agonizing, what do I do!?

[ParisPaulette]

The title says it all. Yes, dump him. Disrespectful is the key word here--never stay with someone who is disrespectful of you. Never stay with someone who tells you F you or any other nasty insult. People fight, but they don't have to get hateful about it. And it sounds like you two just have differences in schedules and how you deal with things in a way that makes this relationship totally unhealthy. Also never fight over the phone or by text or email

 

Keep in mind relationships of any type are supposed to make your life better, not worse. If one does it's time to move on.

[sleepingdonut]

Your post makes me think of this:

 

image removed

 

I would definitely end that relationship. I don't see it getting any better.

[alibabac]

LOL! OK now that made my day

[SpottiOtti]

I think what this post was really all about, was you getting all your thoughts out and organized. Now that they are, I think you probably know what you need to do. It sounds to me like ending things with him is the right thing for you.