Ex is scared of me?

[wineflower]

I'm hoping someone can give me some insight on my ex girlfriend's behaviour, because I can't wrap my head around it.

 

Me and my girlfriend were together for almost 3 years (I'll also mention that I'm female as well). She suffered from severe depression on and off during our relationship. I was there for her during these dark times, doing whatever I could to be helpful and supportive, despite her frequently getting mad at me over small things and lashing out. We lived together for 6 months before she ended things (while we were on vacation), saying that we had grown to become incompatible, she had fallen out of love with me, and things simply weren't working. By this time I was exhausted from caring for her and while I was heartbroken at being dumped and losing her, I just tried to be as understanding as possible regarding her decision.

 

She had broken up with me twice before the final breakup, each time feeling guilty and taking me back when I had a breakdown after she ended things. She struggled to permanently break it off the third time but seemed committed to not changing her mind again.

 

Things were awkward for a few weeks but we kept in communication. I moved out. But then a few weeks later, I lost my job. I told her about it and I think she felt truly sorry for me, because I was a wreck. She invited me over to get my mind off things and watch a show together the next day, which I appreciated.

 

Midway through our hangout however, her mood suddenly changed and she abruptly said she was tired and asked me to leave. Instinctively, I got upset and defensive that she would rudely ask me to leave after all the things I had done for her while we had been together. I didn't leave for a good hour...I stood my ground and tried to explain how unfairly she was treating me. BAD mistake. It erupted into a huge argument, she was shrieking at me to leave, and she was LIVID... she deleted/blocked me from every social media site in existence from this point on. We went full NC from that time forward, only communicating to figure out when I could pick up my stuff. She ignored every apology that I sent to her.

 

Anyway, fast forward to tonight which is a month later. I went over to her place (the place we once shared) to get my things. I happened to see her walking up the street as I drove there. I stopped the car and called her name. She ignored me. I called again and waved. She turned and looked at me with a look of utter hatred and fear. I was bit alarmed by this, so I waved to her and drove up to the building and waited for her. She never arrived. I texted her saying I'd wait in the car until she got into the building. Minutes later, as she approached my car, she put her hood over her head and ran past me, as if scared for her life.

 

I texted her and asked why she was acting so scared. She responded saying that that one time I refused to leave her apartment, I had "traumatized" her, and she was now scared of me. This instantly hurt me, because I would never do anything to harm her. She continued to say that I was NOT allowed to park in front of the building ever again, and that I should never arrive early again. But almost immediately after this, she said this was the last time I'd be coming over and she didn't want to see me. She asked me to get my things, which were waiting for me outside the apartment door. I even heard her put something behind the door incase I tried to get in.

 

I'm almost certain that someone else isn't involved here. For the simple fact that if another girl had moved in, I think she would've mentioned it - if not to make her behaviour make sense (i.e. "I've found someone else go away"). Also, she showed up in my okcupid search results yesterday and her status is single. While we've had our difficulties, the one thing I will give her is that she's always been honest. She would never hide something like this out of fear of me overreacting.

 

I'm in disbelief that someone I cared about so much - someone I made so many sacrifices for - is now *scared* of me. I've never laid a hand on her or hurt her in any way. Yes, I understand that I have made mistakes. But it's not like I was waving a knife around the room and threatening her life. This is her first breakup, and she's quite young, and I really don't know what to make of all this.

 

PS: We "fell apart" because sometime during her depression, when she was treating me horribly (to put it bluntly) I felt hopeless/confused and unloved, and started harmlessly flirting with another girl online. The flirting was meaningless - I never slept with this girl or anything and I had no intention to. I owned up to my mistake, tried over 6 months to make things better between us, but she simply could not forget what I had done... although she said she had forgiven me. She tried very hard to love me again, but her love for me had fizzled away with time. Even after this incident she swore we'd always remain friends after breaking up, so I struggle to understand why she flew of the deep end that one time I didn't give her space.

[Cheetarah]

So you thought you were owed this hangout? Sorry to say, she didn't owe you anything for what you did in the relationship. Whatever you did for her, was your decision to do so and wasn't based on a payback system(or shouldn't have been). She had every right to ask that you leave her apartment, at any time. You were so horribly inappropriate by refusing to leave for over an hour.

 

What you did was very controlling, and I can understand why that intimidated her. You don't have to wave knives around to intimidate a person or make them feel fearful. Refusing to leave THEIR home when they've asked you repeatedly is enough.

[t1lersm0m1]

It doesn't matter why she is scared, it sounds like by her actions she is truly scared of you. Why else would she put something to block the door so you couldnt' get in.

 

It sounds like you are not over this. You are trying to understand her feelings. Her feelings do not matter, your relationship is over. You had an emotional affair that she can not forgive and she owes you nothing. It doesn't matter how well you treated her before that, you cheated even if you didn't sleep with the other woman.

 

Forget about why she is scared, or about thinking she owes you something. Once your relationship ends, the other person owes us nothing.

 

Move on.

[wineflower]

Thanks both for the feedback. You are both correct. I know I did horrible things - it doesn't justify my behaviour, I was really suffering from having been dumped AND losing my job, and I didn't know who else to go to except her. So to have her tell me to leave just tipped me over the edge. I feel stupid and like I've failed.

 

I chose to do the things I did for her, and I shouldn't expect anything in return.. I'll try my best to move on.

[Cheetarah]

Don't feel stupid, just keep yourself in check so that sort of thing doesn't happen again with any future partners.

 

There's a saying floating around here, "You can't return to the source of the pain expecting relief." She may have been the woman you turned to when you were together, but you aren't now and that dynamic has done a 180. So instead of feeling better, the dynamic revealed itself and you realized she's no longer your support, your go-to person and probably just compounded it all.

 

Now that you have all your possessions, just let her be, go no contact, remove her from social media or any other place where you can be tempted to check up on her, and focus on yourself and finding new employment.

[t1lersm0m1]

You're not stupid, and there's no reason for you to feel that way. Try to learn from this. Something is only a waste if we don't learn from it. But if you look at how you acted in the relationship/break up and learn from it and not to repeat those mistakes, then there are positive things to come from it.

 

I know we get used to having that other person to go to, but once the break up occurs, that is no longer the case. So when going through something difficult like a job loss, you need to find others to talk to and confide in.