My pain

[mulligan]

My girlfriend and I dated for 2 years. The first year she was attentive and asked me to attend corporate functions with her. The next year she did not. And she did not come to help me during a flood. And made an excuse to not come to hospital with me. And became vague and dismissive about a cruise we were planning and turned down a weekend getaway. She actually told me that her family had purchased tickets for cruise but wanted me to wait until they went on sale and let her arrange it. She said she would check prices every few days but did not and put me off. She put off talk of christmas or new years plans with family and friends. So when I was helping a common friend with her computer, our friend asked questions about plans I had with my girlfriend, I showed my frustration. This friend called my girlfriend later without me knowing to find out what was wrong. My frustration showed. Suddenly, my girlfriend was critical of our friend to me. Shortly after, she broke up with me with no good reason. I later found out that our friend had called my girlfriend to ask how things were between us. I miss her and carry guilt over what I could have done differently and about our friend hearing my secret frustrations. Was it wrong to feel how I do? Is it wrong for me to feel guilty? She has written me off. But I was bothered by how things were but put off talking about it to avoid arguments, my mistake I know. But was I not right to be bothered? I loved/love her still.

[JGintheOC]

I think she was using that situation as a reason to break it off with you.

 

You are better off without her if she didn't appreciate you for you.

[lilypadgirl]

I agree. I think it sounds like she's been thinking about breaking up for some time and is using this situation as a reason to break it off. I don't think there was anything you could have done differently. I'm sorry for your pain.

[mulligan]

Thank you for your comments. She always spoke in metaphor so I often was left wondering if her story about someone else was meant for me...so she had a hard time speaking her mind. I gave her my best and put her on a pedestal, something she never asked for, but I made sure she knew I was not like others in her past by my actions. And as she grew distant, I tried harder to please her, something that might have frustrated her and made the breakup even harder on me. She was very worried about money even though she was doing fine. Maybe she saw my kindness and concern hiding a plan to threaten her financially, a shame if she did because I would never. I wanted to visit her family and friends, portraits, drinks in the sunshine, chat by fireplace...simple stuff. She got out of driving me for medical test or me going with her on holidays. Yet I really loved her and had to see her go away. I just cannot figure things out so will just shut down emotions for as long as it takes. I thought she was the one.

[mulligan]

I would have taken a bullet for her, so yes, I am heartbroken. And she broke up with me way back in February. She admits to being very independent, a cancer survivor. She was pretty negative about most people, except a few close friends, spoke about a neglectful ex, another who was kind to his kids from another relationship and a third who was a moocher.

[mulligan]

Would love to hear from others. Please way in...

[jjkk]

I agree w/ the others who said it seems like things were headed for a break up and the call from the friend gave her the out she wanted. Yes it hurts and I'm sorry. Have you gone NC w/ her or do you still talk/text her?

[mulligan]

I agree w/ the others who said it seems like things were headed for a break up and the call from the friend gave her the out she wanted. Yes it hurts and I'm sorry. Have you gone NC w/ her or do you still talk/text her?

Thanks for the reply and your kind words. A month after she broke up with me, I asked her out to catch up. 2 weeks later we did it again. We planned another outing but she backed away from that so I went NC. She said some harsh things the nite she broke up. I honestly do not know why she was so angry. I did nothing wrong except got so sick Valentines day I had to cancel dinner plans. I have a good friend to talk to but thats it. I really tried hard and miss us. I thought I was doing things right...thanking her and never taking her for granted, doing things she liked, interested in her, her family and friends. My buddy says I am better off. But I thought she was the one.

[mulligan]

I am having a hard time shaking the feelings I have over the whole common friend/phone call thing and wondering if my guilty feelings over the way I felt and showed it to that friend are warranted. I know the same friend heard me say how wonderful things were and she was before she changed last fall. I told everyone how excited I was cooking for her, going to plays, movies, galleries. It was the only thing I talked about to my golf buddies.

[jjkk]

Let it go. No guilt! It would have been better for you to go directly to your gf about your frustrations but you can't change that now. I think your friend was out of line for calling her and asking her about it but again, you can't change what's already happened. I still think w/out the interference from your friend and if you would have gone to your gf yourself about all of this, the end result would have been the same eventually.

[mulligan]

Let it go. No guilt! It would have been better for you to go directly to your gf about your frustrations but you can't change that now. I think your friend was out of line for calling her and asking her about it but again, you can't change what's already happened. I still think w/out the interference from your friend and if you would have gone to your gf yourself about all of this, the end result would have been the same eventually.

Thanks for this. I actually did ask her about what was up, something not right. She told me it was because of recent relationship with her mom. I told her I had thought it was me. She did not offer any further explanation and I did not want to push. I could not understand why she did not want to drive me to/from hospital for test...I was not allowed to drive myself. Looking back, I guess she no longer wanted that kind of relationship with me...a caring relationship. That and cruise ticket fraud were red flags, I see now but back then I did not want to see.

[mulligan]

I still get flashbacks. Therapy helped a bit but it was mostly me talking. I ignored things in my time with her the last few months that nobody in their right mind would ignore. I was trying so hard to make her happy, making it work that I missed or ignored things I should not have. Sometimes I still seem to talk to her, wondering why? What did I do wrong? Why didn't she talk tome about it to hear whatever my side was? Why was she so hateful? I had told her she was the best girlfriend ever. With me at her side at the hospital, she introduced me as just "a friend".