Can men and women be just friends?

[Kawhi]

This is an age old question, and I'd be interested if people could share their thoughts on this. However, I would like to set out my definitions first.

 

My question only covers the situation where both the man and woman are single and does not have a romantic interest at that time. By 'friends' I also mean someone you see regularly, like at least once a fortnight, and exclusively (one on one, not with a group or anyone else), outside of work.

 

Would a man and woman ever hang out as friends given those criteria?

 

Or if such a relationship exists, do you think at least one of them is romantically interested in the other, but hasn't shown it?

 

If such a relationship exists, would you expect them to split their expenses (dinners, activities)? Or would things change if the man always paid?

 

I have more information I'd like to post on this topic, but I'd like to get people's thoughts on the above first.

[lymphocyte]

I'm wondering why, to consider someone a friend, you have to see them exclusively at least once a fortnight. I have plenty of friends - male and female - and I rarely ever see any of them exclusively. That's not to say I don't, but usually we all go in groups, male or female.

 

In saying that, the times I have seen my male friends exclusively, sometimes we pay for our own expenses, and sometimes he pays or I pay.

 

I don't have any romantic feelings towards any of my male friends because they are just that, my friends. As to whether they have feelings for me, I don't know, and I'm not about to ask because I wouldn't reciprocate it if they did.

[Fudgie]

I've had male friends that I would see one-on-one but I would also see them with other friends too. There was also no "at least" amount of time. There was no feeling of obligation or "we have to see each other because it's been x amount of days".

 

It really boils down to feelings. If one or both parties want to be with the other person romantically, then it's not a "true" platonic friendship, no.

 

I do think it's possible to have opposite sex friends but there needs to be some boundaries. And in my experience, it reeeeaallly helps when one or both people have partners. Actually, I love double dates and I've met both male and female friends that way.

[skyhop333]

Yes, men and women can be close platonic friends. Some people can be this way with their exes, and even people they have romantic feelings for.

 

What it boils down to is a mutual respect for the other persons boundaries. Maturity has a lot to do with the level of respect for personal boundaries.

 

If you have a good friendship with someone you have feelings for but they do not wish to reciprocate, or if the rolls were reversed, you can talk it out and create mutual boundaries without there being conflict and hurt feelings

 

It will depend heavily on the level of respect that you have for that person and again, the level of respect they have for you.

 

You may have to both agree to disagree on one hand of the romantic equation, but completely agree that the friendship is beneficial for the both of you. Real friendships can be very special. They too have a certain level of trust and respect that any romantic relationship may require but a much higher degree of maturity not to invade each other's personal feelings.

 

It's okay to be friends with a member of the opposite sex as long as you are mature enough to keep it the friendship each of you desire above the emotional or physical need to make it something more than what is wanted or ready for.

[skyhop333]

I forgot to add, as far as who picks up the tab, that's some mutual agreement between friends. The best thing I found is that you make an agreement on paying for activities. Personally it's best to split the tab. With some friends we have different arrangements, who ever did the inviting, pays the tab and we alternate. That way, if you and your friends are on different financial levels, you can still enjoy the best of what each friend has to offer on their own dime without them feeling like they have to impress you and put themselves into financial dire straits. You don't need money to always have a good time. Always be grateful, even if it's a round of mini golf, and don't get jealous if they treat you to an expensive restaurant. Enjoy and be grateful for the friendship.

[Batya33]

I have and have had close platonic male friends. Presently, my platonic male friends are not people I have dated but I have been friends with people I dated in the past. I think it's great having platonic male friends -has always enhanced my life. My boundaries are that when I am in a relationship that person has to be supportive of my romantic relationship and he has to be willing to meet my SO even if it never actually happens

[skyhop333]

Good point. When you have a significant other, you have to make it paramount to your friends that your SO comes first. That is mostly the respect I spoke of. Over the years, I have a mutual understanding with several friends, that when we leave the single realm and have new partner, that the friendship has to level down to a comfortable level for the sake of their or my new partner. This is of the utmost importance. I don't and my friends do not devalue the original friendships when someone else comes along, we just know when to give the breathing room and for what purpose.

 

You really have to buck it up when you may have friends you have feelings for that may have a partner. Basically, look at the fact that your friendship matters most and treat their new partner with the utmost respect they deserve. Being friends first doesn't give you the golden ticket to the show, it just permits you to be a participant in another persons happiness. You have two choices, either disrespect your friend and leave the friendship because you allow your emotions to get the better of you, or mature to the point of wanting their happiness over your own wants and desires. This is a deeper level of friendship that takes many mistakes to learn and nurture.

 

The same goes for friends who try to use the friendship as a guise to get between you and your partner. This is not a mature friendship as it is hinged on an agenda. It hurts when they cross the line and want more than friends and try to damage the relationship you have with a partner you are happy with for their own need. They don't get this. This is where you have to push yourself away from the friendship table with them until they come to the epiphany that the friendship between you is valued more than their desire to obtain you. This takes time. Give it all you have to. You may have to push away this person more than once, however with time, they get it and finally decide if they were really interested in being a true friend or not. Some don't come back, but that's okay. You want real friends anyway.

 

With time, we all can get to that pinnacle of happiness to love without need, give without wanting in return and treat friendships for what they are. Always remember though, A person's SO is part of that person. They are part of what makes them happy. Here is where a person has to decide if their going to let their jealousy destroy a good friendship, or put the big boy/girl pant's on of wisdom and acceptance and truly put their friends needs first. That's being a true friend. Those are the ones worth having. I am very lucky to have a few.

[SpottiOtti]

In my experience, one person always wants something from the other person, and eventually this will cause the "friendship" to implode.

[Kawhi]

I'm wondering why, to consider someone a friend, you have to see them exclusively at least once a fortnight. I have plenty of friends - male and female - and I rarely ever see any of them exclusively. That's not to say I don't, but usually we all go in groups, male or female.

 

Because I'm trying to exclude the situation where you meet a group, and there's a guy in there you barely talk to throughout the whole occasion, yet some people consider this guy their "friend". To me, that's more of an acquaintance, rather than a friend.

[Kawhi]

Now that I have had some responses, I would like to post the following information from an article and see what people think:

 

 

 

So just some questions:

 

1. Would you agree that men see sex as a benefit and women see it as a cost?

2. Would you agree that women benefit from men paying for outings and providing protection? By protection I don't mean the guys are constantly huddling around you as you walk on the street to protect you from other males that pose a threat, but I suppose, you would feel safer walking at night in a dark alley with guy friends than by yourself.

[lerenard]

I always had and still have men as most of my friends. Sometimes my friendships started because one of us had romantic interest, but that is not the rule at all.

I had friends with benefits, so I can see sex as benefit too, as a woman.