when you're alone and overthinking

[sidsoph]

Sorry for the long story, but I just had to type it all, since I can’t tell my friends about it.

 

He is a close friend and I see him every day at work. He has a girlfriend of over a year, I’m single. Every one of our friends know we have ‘feelings’ for each other but didn’t act on it. They’d tease us relentlessly, since they didn’t really like his gf. Eventually after a year, we crossed the boundary and started seeing each other secretly (it’s been 5 months).

 

I wasn’t proud of it and knew it would not end well. We stopped for a couple of times mainly because I always felt guilty – I would tell him about how unfair and wrong this whole thing is, then I’d ignore him for a while (the longest was a month), but then we’d always go back to square one. So when he went out of town (with his gf) for his grandmother’s death anniversary, I told him to think things through, and we’ll talk when he got back.

 

He got back a few days ago, and the communication decreased drastically. I knew then that he’s made up his mind, but I just needed to hear it from him.

 

We talked then. He admitted that he can’t leave her, primarily because she loves him so much, and his family likes her. He said he realized he was being unfair to me and to her. I knew he wasn’t saying everything, but it was enough. I told him ok, at least this time it’s coming from him. I told him I’m moving on because that’s the only option left for me, and he, in turn, should take care of his relationship. He was concerned that I was going to start ignoring him again (the way I did when every I decided to ‘stop’ seeing him). I said no, because ignoring him would take effort, and means I’d be conscious of his presence every time he was around. Part of moving on was being in the same room with him and not being affected.

 

Oddly I was very calm, because I knew that this was what I wanted. I wanted all this to stop, because I didn’t like who I was when we were seeing each other – I broke my rules and compromised my principles. I started feeling insecure and bad about myself. I knew that this time, we would really stop, because this time, he’s cooperating.

 

I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but I thought I was doing well because I was calm, but when I was alone in my room I broke down. I didn’t even know what I was crying about. Was it because I knew it was over, or because I did bad things, or just because I had to?

 

So now, I’m not going to ignore him and try to get back to being friends (although it would not be the same as before). I’ll focus my energies to the things I used to do

It will take time for me to get back to how I was, but I have no choice.

 

I just wish I’d do better when I’m all alone. There’s this movie playing in my head about of all the things I loved about him. My mind keeps straying back to him.

 

How do you deal with the time when you’re alone and you start obsessing, overthinking?.Why is it that when he is right there, I don’t feel the same emotions, like I’m making progress, but when I’m alone all I always think of how he made me feel special?

Am I dealing with this the right way?

[Readytoheal]

I can relate to how you're feeling. I think you've done good by ending this

 

I know that compulsive emotional thinking when alone. I've tried to use mindfulness to get better and I feel that its working.

I recommend books by the author Echart Tolle. they are amazing.

 

I tried to remain friends with my ex but I just decided to cut the contact because the communication wasn't the same as in the relationship (naturally) and I realized that made me suffer, it was constantly reminding me of the relationship and the good times and the fact it will never be like that again.

 

you have a difficult situation. is there any way for you to cut the contact with him? or keep it absolutely minimal -only about work related stuff?

 

I think the reason you don't feel bad when seeing him is because you have prepared yourself for it emotionally.

it was like that for me to when I went to see my ex after the BU. the worst times are when alone and it really got in my skin that this was over.

I think you should allow yourself to take some time to grieve the loss and get those feelings out.

 

Thats the only way to heal. But in time if its not getting better to try to keep busy and distract the mind?

maybe by watch some movies or read books?

 

good luck and I feel for you. It will get better in time.

[catfeeder]

So now, I’m not going to ignore him and try to get back to being friends (although it would not be the same as before).

 

Probably not the best idea to try to be 'friends'.

 

Stick to being civil when you see him in public, and if he tries to contact you, tell him you need time to heal and you'll be in touch with him when you decide it's best.

 

But it's never best--so don't go there. You sound too smart to try to fool yourself by justifying the whole friendzies thing. That's for kids who must school together, not for adults with a choice in the matter.

 

If he doesn't like this, too-bad-so-sad. It's your job to look out for yourself, just as it's his job to look out for himself. Well, his ego and your best interests are going to clash on that matter, so your best interests need to win if you want to heal and move forward to carve out a better future for yourself.

 

Your grief is natural, and you're doing the brave and smart thing by facing it head on. There is no reasonable way to wean ourselves off of someone--we need clean breaks. If sharing a drink at a party in a year or two happens organically, then so be it, but right now, just focus on being kind to yourself. Protective of yourself. And smart.

 

And, yes, it's natural for grief of any loss to tap into tears for every tear we've ever cried. It's multidimensional and there's no need to analyze it in order to learn that morality isn't the reason why we suffer our poor choices. We suffer those because they hurt. The hurt is what prevents us from repeating our mistakes, and this prevents our suffering from being wasted.

 

Head high, and write more when it helps.

[sidsoph]

Probably not the best idea to try to be 'friends'.

 

Stick to being civil when you see him in public, and if he tries to contact you, tell him you need time to heal and you'll be in touch with him when you decide it's best.

 

But it's never best--so don't go there. You sound too smart to try to fool yourself by justifying the whole friendzies thing. That's for kids who must school together, not for adults with a choice in the matter.

 

 

Understood. That's what he actually wants us to be right now - 'friends', but I suspect he's hoping there might be a recurrence after a few months. I admitted we cannot go back there, and for now we can just be acquaintances - civil, like you said. It's not really that easy because we are in the same department and we have the same circle of friends. I'd have to tell our friends to stop pushing for us to be together.

 

Oh well, thanks for the comment. Right now what's annoying me is how my mind compares myself to his gf. I hate it. I wasn't this way before. I was very confident with myself! So annoying!

It'll get better with time though, it can't be helped.

[sidsoph]

 

I think the reason you don't feel bad when seeing him is because you have prepared yourself for it emotionally.

 

 

Thats the only way to heal. But in time if its not getting better to try to keep busy and distract the mind?

maybe by watch some movies or read books?

 

good luck and I feel for you. It will get better in time.

 

Thanks, now I've got a bunch of projects lined up - piano lessons, painting again, watching a new tv series, those kinda stuff. Should keep me occupied

[sidsoph]

Please help me snap out of this.

 

I thought I was done. I thought there was nothing left.

 

I thought we were ok. Our friends noticed too that we were at better footing after The Talk. And we were acting all civil and everything. I stopped crying after a week. I didn't think about him much after that. I thought that was it, finally.

 

Then everyone at work decided to eat dinner outside work (we work the afternoon shift). He and I ended up sitting together at the back of a friend's car. Along the way he touched my cheek and made me rest my head on his shoulder. At first I thought, 'What?' then I lifted my head. We pretended it didn't happen.

 

The next day he texted me and asked me out to lunch. I didn’t think and just said yes. Lunch ended up with us sleeping together. However, it was different this time – I had no expectations that it would go back to how we were before. I knew that this time, his affections for me were not the same.

 

when I woke up this morning I found myself checking my phone for his message. there it was, the usual good morning. then I felt miserable, thinking how far I’ve gone from how I was before.

 

It’s not even an issue of me loving him or not, if I want to be with him or not.

Because I don’t. What made me sad was that I’ve gone to this place of having sex without affection. I've become this very, very bad person.

 

I believed in doing things right. I believed in the kind of love all those songs were about. I thought those soap operas were cheesy but I truly believed that one day, I would have that kind of love. I thought I would be very virtuous to wait for the right one. People who cheated disgusted me, thinking how a woman could lower her standards to allow herself to be anything less than 'the only one'. I frowned on one night stands and meaningless sex.

 

 

I have become the very person I hated. I have lowered my standards so much, it’s like me saying, “it’s ok to have sex, but I don’t want to be with you. You love your girlfriend and you don’t want to leave her. But you have some affections for me and we're friends - we're comfortable around each other, and I’m willing to have casual sex, so you’re all good. This is our little secret.”

 

I'm better than this. I know I was. But this always happens. It's a cycle of doing bad, feeling bad about it, stopping for a while, then back again.

 

I know everything depends on me. It's all me. I don't know anymore.

[catfeeder]

Along the way he touched my cheek and made me rest my head on his shoulder.

 

I would disabuse myself of this idea. Nobody 'made you' do anything.