About to move out of my marital home

[Em007]

Hey Guys,

 

My husband and I have been having problems for a long time (we have been together nearly 10 years and married 7) and separated for 9 months plus. We have been living in separate rooms of the house and socialising separately. Neither of us wanted our marriage to end. We attended couples therapy for quite a while, we tried date nights and spending a month apart and lots of different things, but at the end of the day we couldn't find a way to make it work. There has not been anyone else involved and I think we have always been good to one another but unfortunately we can't get back to being lovers or romantic together we just have a very platonic friendship. We are both sad to have separated but both agree that it's for the best for our future happiness.

 

I am moving out in 10 days, the only reason it has taken this long is because I didn't have the money to move sooner. I am going to rent a house with a friend.

I guess the reason that I've come here today is because I'm petrified. I know once I move out it will really be over. I still love him and I love what we had but not what we've had for the past 3 years...does that make sense? He is a good and lovely person and I hope on some level we can build some kind of friendship once I've gone.

I'm scared I will change my mind and it will be too late. I know that's silly because it's a joint decision. I guess it's just the fear of the unknown. I have been with him since i was 22, I will have to date someone new and have sex with someone new and that is scary because the last time I went on a date I was 22!!

 

I guess it's normal to feel sad and scared moving out of a home you made together? As sad as I am I know deep down that after all these years of trying we can't fix it can we? Surely we would have already.

My mum says once I've moved out and had some real space from each other maybe then we could fix it, but that doesn't happen does it?

 

Sorry I know that's not a question really, just feeling very low and wanted to share.

 

Thanks so much

 

E xxx

[autumnsun]

I'm sorry you're going through all of this. Exiting a relationship when there is still love for another person, even if it isn't working, is always difficult.

 

I think this is a wonderful place to vent and express your emotions, no matter what they are. What you're feeling is very normal. Being with someone for a significant portion of your life and then having to wade into the dating pool? Of course it is a scary thing! But you will be fine. You seem like a very mature, respectful, thoughtful person and that will get you very far in the dating world. Take things as slow as you need to, but don't be afraid to take some chances when you do feel comfortable putting yourself out there. This new life and freedom to explore could be seen as a huge positive; you get to find out who YOU are with no one else in the picture.

 

However, if you don't date, you'll still have time to develop independently. On your own terms. As for what your Mum said... why not? Maybe living your lives separately and getting to experience life on your own will be just what you need to potentially repair something in the future. If you both come to that conclusion down the road, there's no harm in once again trying to see if things could work out. There have been stories on these boards of people leaving a marriage for a significant period of time only to find their way back to each other. Sometimes we need time away from each other to really realize what we had.

 

Either way, you will make it through this. And you know that. Your life can go either way: you move on and find yourself in a new relationship... or you and your husband find your way back to each other. The universe will unfold exactly as it is meant to. In the meantime, keep posting here to express your feelings as you navigate through this new reality.

[pfbsurf]

"My mum says once I've moved out and had some real space from each other maybe then we could fix it, but that doesn't happen does it?"

 

No that doesnt happen. Out of sight, out of mind, and once you guys get back to some form of single life - esp with dating - you've essentially burned your bridges.

 

So if you want to work on it, you have to stay in the same house and get to the bottom of the issue.

 

You want the security of a 'marriage' and the freedom of single life. Very common. 7 year itch and all that.

 

It is sad to hear that you get along so well. You can spend the rest of your days looking for a compatible match and honestly, it is a needle in a haystack.

 

But, assuming no kids, you are both adults and sounds like the fire went out too long ago to really get it back.

 

Not going to tell you not to worry or be excited about your new life. Its not going to be easy 100% of the time. You should feel sad - grief is one of the stages. Eventually though you will be fine. Use this as an opportunity to really improve the areas of your life that need attending. Forget about dating/sex. There will be plenty of time for that. Give it 6-12 months at least. Ok to go on dinner dates and be casual, but a rebound relationship will just mess with your head.

 

Good luck

[Lester]

What happened before the romance went?

 

Did you fight? If so, over what?

 

Did you/he lose respect for you/him? If so, why?

 

Did you truly come from compatible backgrounds?

 

Was it a trapped marriage or just youth?

[lostandhurt]

What you are afraid of is exactly the unknown. You have had each other for support for a long time and always knew he would be there for you and now that will be gone.

It is perfectly normal trust me on this. I went through the same things after 20 yrs together.

 

Take it one day at a time and don't rush anything. Things have changed a lot in 10 years and you need to learn to be a single woman again and find your own life alone. Take your time, keep your friends and family close and stay busy.

 

Hopefully you and your husband can remain friendly but be careful not to discuss other men, dating or anything like that with him out of respect. It will hurt him.

 

Good luck

Lost

[AutumnBorn]

I think you need to read Al Turtle's website. All of it. link removed