happyplace Posted July 29, 2014 Author Share Posted July 29, 2014 You're a braver soul than I. If I knew there was a date certain for ending a relationship then she'd become nothing more to me than a FWB and I'd be out searching for her replacement, which would ultimately serve as a means to accelerate the end. It's gone through my mind, about just playing it out while looking for the next one, but it would hurt her too much and I'd feel totally guilty. I don't think I'll be getting into anything serious for a while after this one. I gotta make some serious changes to get back on my feet and adjusted to the single life again. Plus I don't know how she intends to remain in contact, but I don't think it'll get too far before I have to cut it off completely. Link to comment
happyplace Posted July 30, 2014 Author Share Posted July 30, 2014 We talked again last night. I tried to get out of her why exactly she's not happy since I've been up front about my reasons. She said that she feels like the relationship is too much and that I expect more than what shes willing to give and that its causing her anxiety, and that maybe in a few years she'll be ready to offer it. My expectations aren't high guys, I don't demand anything from her and I bend over backwards for her in any way she needs. But she dedicates all her time to her family and making room for me is whats causing her to feel that way. Asking her to go away for a weekend is like asking her to move to Sudan with me. I guess the 4 year age difference is catching up with us here. Maybe down the road she actually will be ready to do it and maybe we'll try it again but I know I'm not gonna wait around with my fingers crossed. Maybe sporadically keeping in touch will keep the bridge un-burned, if one or both of us can manage to keep things in check. Not sure if last night confused me more or helped me move toward the breakup a little more positively. Link to comment
Silverbirch Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 I think you should give her a taste of life without you and let her miss you,v Link to comment
happyplace Posted July 30, 2014 Author Share Posted July 30, 2014 I think you should give her a taste of life without you and let her miss you,v That seems to be the consensus with the friends I've recently told, even some of my family. Everyone loves her on my side and loves me on hers, and I don't know who she told about it, but I think (more hope) she's gonna feel the void more than she anticipates and it will make her see what we could have had and maybe want to try to have a normal life together instead of being wrapped up in her sisters helplessness, and both her ma and sisters constant guilt tripping. I really love her and at this point I feel bad for walking away but I can't take it anymore. 2 1/2 years of no effort to try took it out of me, so again yes I'm hoping giving her a taste of life without me will be the medicine she needs. But then again she could just double up on family time and not even notice I'm gone. Guess we'll see... Link to comment
happyplace Posted July 31, 2014 Author Share Posted July 31, 2014 I was thinking last night, considering the the last talk her and I had...We've been more or less happier now than we have been in a while, knowing that the stress of the relationship is about to end we've been able to actually enjoy each others company more and the intimate physical aspects happen more naturally than they've been too. Did we both put too much stress on the relationship and forget what drew us together in the first place? I mean, we're laughing now and actually talking and its crazy how now that the title is about to evaporate all the tension did too. It's getting very confusing. Keeping me up at night and distracted from work, but I look forward to seeing her at the end of the day again, but I know I need to get away from her to really know what I want and I'm sure she feels the same. What if one or both of us has second thoughts after the last game? What the hell is going on?!?! Link to comment
happyplace Posted August 2, 2014 Author Share Posted August 2, 2014 Another update... So last night I kinda slipped and said something I wish I hadn't. One of my good friends went through something similar with his ex. She wasn't wrapped up in her family like my girlfriend, but she was emotionally distant and cold. My girlfriend and I used to talk about how mean she could be, all the while I was thinking the my girl isn't too far off from his. Well last night we were talking about the breakup and I said the only person I talked about it with was my friend, and without thinking I said that he told me he could see it coming between her and I. This prompted her to ask why and not let it go until I said that our relationship reminded him of his and his ex. She went silent and started to cry. I felt awful and she said to me "No wonder you're so ok with the breakup" and started referring to a conversation we had about her being emotionally distant and how it bothered me. I told her she is nowhere near how his ex was (and I'm being honest about that, his ex gave him a blank birthday card once and THAT WAS IT!) but I think she also knew it held some truth, the rest of the night was kinda awkward but I couldn't shake the bad feeling, and I wished I could take it back because I know it hurt her to hear and I hate seeing her cry. Back to talking about being ok with the breakup, I said to her she seems just as ok as me. She said she's constantly thinking about it and isn't ok with it at all and thats why she wants to keep in touch after. I said I'm in the same boat and I'm not ok either I'm just not thinking about it until I have to, and reassured her that were doing the right thing, even though I'm not sure we are. So once again the plot thickens and I'm more confused and anxious as ever. Our last game is the 10th assuming we don't advance in the playoffs (we suck so its probably not gonna happen) and were gonna go our separate ways after that. Link to comment
happyplace Posted August 5, 2014 Author Share Posted August 5, 2014 Update... The way things have been so good the last few weeks, I was starting to have second thoughts, not gonna lie. But then we had a conversation on Sunday and I asked her about her last relationship which lasted almost 2 years and how she felt with him and what was different. She said he never asked her about her feelings or to open up which she liked but had nothing really good to say otherwise. I told her it was probably because he didn't give a (the kid was a compulsive liar and she caught him setting up lunch dates with other girls and lying about it, also some of my friends knew him and said he was odd and knew he was a compulsive liar as well). I wanted to say that you aren't gonna find someone who doesn't ask about your feelings and what you want in a relationship if he actually cares, since thats HOW RELATIONSHIPS WORK AND GROW, but I felt like I'd just be beating a dead horse. It reminded me how her sheltered life has severely effected her emotional security. I know she thinks, at least at the moment, someone is out there who will be able to go through life in a fog with her to avoid serious talks and addressing things, and as much as I want to scream from a mountain that things just don't work like that. And she also threw in that she doesn't think that we'll work together anyway which is why she thinks its not worth it to keep the relationship going...although her lack of working on the relationship is why we are here anyway, and I was gonna say it but again, beating a dead horse... Oh well. I just have to keep telling myself when I have second thoughts that she isn't remotely ready for a serious relationship. I know it isn't me and I'm not overreacting to things, she just can't separate herself from he family and her sheltered thought processes, at least not now. Maybe down the road but I'm not gonna hold me breath. Guess we'll see how the breakup goes... Link to comment
happyplace Posted August 7, 2014 Author Share Posted August 7, 2014 Today is her birthday. She's been so good lately and loving too. I don't know why its all coming out now as were about to call it off. I think I'm falling for her again. Link to comment
happyplace Posted August 10, 2014 Author Share Posted August 10, 2014 Had a big fight tonight....I retract my last post. I'll explain now if anyone is still reading this thread and wants to know. Otherwise I'll fill in the blanks tomorrow. I'm questioning my own fault in this breakup now. I don't know what happened. Link to comment
happyplace Posted August 11, 2014 Author Share Posted August 11, 2014 We went out on a date night to see a movie. Everything was going great until we went to grab dinner afterward. We were sitting in the booth and she was talking about how much she missed the babies and its been almost a day since she saw them and I, without thinking, said "you always talk about them like you're never gonna see them again.". I immediately regretted saying that but it was said. Her response was all her life is is the babies, and I said that's exactly the problem, that if she put half the energy she puts into organizing her life around the babies as she did into the relationship we'd have no problems, and I told her they aren't her kids and she isn't responsible for raising them. She said that I put too much pressure on her and I expect too much. I asked what exactly she thinks I expect that is so hard, to which she couldn't explain. I know that she had it in her head this wouldn't work between us for a while so she stopped trying and with her family so demanding of her at all times I know she focused on them and not us and once somethings in her head it doesn't leave. I still love her so much and I know what I said hurt her and I wish I hadn't said it, but I just want to know what is so hard for her, what she expects a relationship to be. She said that she doesn't do those things because she's not happy, to which I asked if she ever was. She said at the start of our relationship she was because it was new; but I told her all relationships are like that in the beginning but then you have to work to keep them that way. I don't think she understands that. Anything other relationship than her family that requires work scares her and she sees it as pressure so she retreats into herself and starts rationalizing why it wont work. She sees her friends once a month if that and thats perfect for her, I don't understand, I give up, I still lover her and I feel terrible she doesn't see and I dont want to lose her because her good qualities are so rare, but I can't do it anymore its driving me insane. I wish I could just fix everything... Link to comment
weathergirl Posted August 11, 2014 Share Posted August 11, 2014 Dude, apologies if this sounds harsh, but your emotions are all over the board here. Too late for this time, but for next time, I would not recommend setting a "break up date." It's serves no purpose other than to confuse you (and her), causes you to react/behave precisely how you are now...all over the board! And it's wreaking havoc on your emotional health and well-being. I realize you love her but you and she are NOT on the same page emotionally or mentally and NEVER will be. Just from reading this thread, it appears you are HIGHLY emotional, and for some reason feel compelled to discuss your emotions and feelings as they occur...which can be exhausting even for someone who is NOT as emotionally closed as she is. She, on the other hand, is extremely emotionally closed. This relationship has the potential to become REALLY toxic, if not already. End it now...go no contact, and move on. There is someone else out there with whom you will be much more compatible and happy. Same for her. No offense, but all this back and forth is getting really ridiculous. End it for good, and move on. Link to comment
jak3 Posted August 11, 2014 Share Posted August 11, 2014 No offense, but all this back and forth is getting really ridiculous. End it for good, and move on. ^That. What has the date given you except more confusion? Why continue to beat a dead horse? Just walk all ready. Link to comment
happyplace Posted August 11, 2014 Author Share Posted August 11, 2014 Harshness is welcome and I appreciate the honesty. The date was only set due to the obligation of the softball team, otherwise it would be done already. As for my emotions all over the place, I can't argue that, I just never was able to say these things to her over the course of the relationship and now that I dont have to walk on egg shells around her I'm getting it off my chest I guess. The whole relationship, from an emotional standpoint at least, has been a mess. Her friends even warned me about how she is before we got involved. Thought I could change that though, guess I shoulda listened. Link to comment
weathergirl Posted August 11, 2014 Share Posted August 11, 2014 Harshness is welcome and I appreciate the honesty. The date was only set due to the obligation of the softball team, otherwise it would be done already. As for my emotions all over the place, I can't argue that, I just never was able to say these things to her over the course of the relationship and now that I dont have to walk on egg shells around her I'm getting it off my chest I guess. The whole relationship, from an emotional standpoint at least, has been a mess. Her friends even warned me about how she is before we got involved. Thought I could change that though, guess I shoulda listened. Life is full of lessons to learn. Some harder than others and this was a doozey! But hey, look at the bright side. You learned something very valuable from being in this RL. You learned that you can NEVER EVER change another person and it's a futile waste of energy trying. Next time, no matter how attracted you are, when you see these types of red flags, you walk, sooner rather than later. You don't wait around hoping you can change her, or whatever. You will only hurt yourself by doing that. Take care of you! Because no one else will. Sorry you are hurting. Now that softball is over (you said August 10th, right), it's time to walk away. Good luck.... Link to comment
happyplace Posted August 11, 2014 Author Share Posted August 11, 2014 Life is full of lessons to learn. Some harder than others and this was a doozey! But hey, look at the bright side. You learned something very valuable from being in this RL. You learned that you can NEVER EVER change another person and it's a futile waste of energy trying. Next time, no matter how attracted you are, when you see these types of red flags, you walk, sooner rather than later. You don't wait around hoping you can change her, or whatever. You will only hurt yourself by doing that. Take care of you! Because no one else will. Sorry you are hurting. Now that softball is over (you said August 10th, right), it's time to walk away. Good luck.... We actually made it into the playoffs against all odds....its now the 26th. But I'll keep this thread updated, minus the back and forth emotional posts. I usually post them in the heat of the moment which I really shouldn't. But thanks for the support and honesty. It's appreciated. Link to comment
weathergirl Posted August 11, 2014 Share Posted August 11, 2014 We actually made it into the playoffs against all odds....its now the 26th. But I'll keep this thread updated, minus the back and forth emotional posts. I usually post them in the heat of the moment which I really shouldn't. But thanks for the support and honesty. It's appreciated. Why not just break up with her now, but still continue playing softball. Just keep it professional. Frankly, I am not understanding why that isn't even an option. Married people who have been married for YEARS manage to end their marriage, get divorced and still maintain some contact for the sake of the kids. They keep their communications strictly about the kids and that's it. They don't stay married (and be miserable) using the excuse, we can't break up because we still have kids. Some do, but they remain unhappy and miserable and end up destroying each other emotionally. Just end it. Still play softball until it's over, but keep it professional. You need to be strong here. As I said, all this back and forth is ridiculous. Just because you won't be posting about it here anymore, you will still FEEL all the craziness, which isn't healthy and it's very dysfunctional. Link to comment
happyplace Posted August 11, 2014 Author Share Posted August 11, 2014 You're 110% right. It's hard for me to do. I'll try and talk to her tonight, maybe she'll want to do the same thing. I'm just so confused by everything and scared to make the permanent move into the breakup. I wish she would tell me what she was thinking and feeling but she wont, which, as you've read, is part of the problem to begin with. Link to comment
happyplace Posted August 24, 2014 Author Share Posted August 24, 2014 I put off talking to her. I'm gonna try to talk to her tonight about it. Link to comment
happyplace Posted August 29, 2014 Author Share Posted August 29, 2014 We ended it Tuesday. I'm feeling kinda crappy, and she has been texting me, and I've been answering. This isn't gonna be easy. I think I'm gonna have to go complete no contact. Link to comment
happyplace Posted September 2, 2014 Author Share Posted September 2, 2014 One week down, it hasn't been easy, but not as hard as I thought it'd be. She has been contacting me and the conversations have been light but good. Went away camping for the weekend with some buddies and had a good time being distracted and reconnecting with them. Here's looking up. Will keep this thread updated. Link to comment
happyplace Posted September 4, 2014 Author Share Posted September 4, 2014 Soooo I broke down last night and texted her. I went to the local bike trail and walked for a few hours with one of my friends and he asked me how it was going with the breakup. I said better than expected and we talked for a bit about everything and it made me start to miss her and get a little sad about things. When I got home I texted her after I showered and she responded almost instantly. We talked for a bit then I started to regret texting her and letting my grief get a hold of me, so I cut the conversation short telling her I was about to pass out, it was about 10-10:30. She said that's odd because I'm such a night owl. I told her that I just felt like I was taking up her time and she said I never am, that she always wants to talk and misses it. Before I said anything else I told her ok I'll remember that and that I really think I'm going to pass out anyway and it ended there. I felt a little lost last night, even more so after we talked considering I've gone over a week without reaching out first. It's getting tougher to resist the urge to be with her and the loneliness is setting in. I'm trying to keep busy all the time but anytime I get a minute to think it goes right to her. I have ups and downs, just more downs lately. Link to comment
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