Not sure what i'm looking for here (help? advice? encouragement?)

[strongandweak]

Hello all,

 

I'm currently at the stage that fluctuates between extreme anger and sadness. Rationally, i know it should go away eventually. But right now, i'm fairly convinced I'm going to be miserable for a long long time.

 

I dated a women for 11 years. I did everything for our relationship, and she will tell you likewise. I worked two jobs, most weekends and loads of OT, throughout the years to position ourselves financially for the both of us. I gave her all the love and support I could, and was there for her through her extreme ups and downs. I cared for her when she was sick, was her shoulder to cry on when she struggled with various challenges, took her on vacations, bought her lavish material items that she craved, cooked for her etc... I did everything she asked of me and more. We laughed together, we cried together. We talked about marriage, children, vacations, growing old together etc.... In the end (last year), she left me because she was tired of me. That was heartbreaking enough as it was. She said I was amazing to her, but she lost her feelings for me. How could she just fall out of love with me just at the drop of a dime like that, especially given all that I went through for her?

 

That should have been the end. But I still loved her dearly, and she wanted to remain friends, so I committed the cardinal sin of continuing contact. As much as rational me knew it was a bad idea, I just couldn't disappear. I gave in. I was too weak. Perhaps I hoped she would see what she was ultimately leaving behind. Fast forward to a couple of months ago, and I hear through the grapevine that she's dating someone new. I'm devastated, angry and upset. When I confronted her about it, she denied it and said they were just friends. I suspect lies, but I go with it. Fast forward a bit, and I commit another cardinal sin (perhaps this post will serve as a cautionary tale to those who don't follow breakup protocol). We decide to catch up and have some drinks after work. We both have too much to drink, and end up sleeping together. A few days later, we sleep together again (sober). We had two other sexual encounters, one of which was as recent as three (?) weeks ago. Despite these, I dont get the sense that things are on the mend. She's still quite distant and unaffectionate beyond the sex. This saddens me greatly.

 

Last week, I call her about something very benign, but instead a man picks up. It's her 'friend' I mentioned earlier who she's apparently been dating, even though she told me otherwise. He's angry that I'm calling her, telling me he's the better man and threatening me if I dont stop calling. I'm fuming on many levels. Clearly, I was misled regarding their relationship, and I unknowingly became the 'other' man. She was being a conniving.... rhymes with door. I'm angry at him because I gave her the world, and he's trying to claim he's a better man that I am to her. I get that this really means nothing, but it still bothers me. My instincts tell me to bury him. I want to tell him that since he's been so great to her, that she's been running off on the side to me. I don't do it though. I'm angry at him for coming after me, but I understand he's not to blame and that would make a volatile situation worse. I still go back and forth wishing I did it because i'm still spiteful towards him. I'm angry at her for lying to me and using me. I'm also completely devastated that she's with another man. I know she's a terrible person, but I still love her deeply. I hate this fact. I know I broke every break-up rule in the book, and I'm paying the price. That doesn't change the fact that I'm more miserable now than ever, even though i had it coming. Now I need to figure out how to heal the right way.

[Brotherhood67]

Two words :

 

NO CONTACT.

[SooSad33]

" When I confronted her about it, she denied it and said they were just friends. I suspect lies, but I go with it."

- Right, inside you knew.

And 'ex sex' often means nothing... sadly.

 

No, it was not a good idea to fall back on your ex, but you did. That's done now and you've learned.

Sometimes, we have to take the hard road to learn. That's what life is all about.

 

As for 'him'? I know how steamed up you are right now but you DID well, holding back on losing it with him. Shows you do have strength.

But, yes, in the end, you can aim more of that anger towards her...

SHE was not totally 'over you' which was why she caved and slept with you again. In ways, as explained, it's like ;using you to get over you'.

But, again, it's something to learn about.

 

Best way to work on accepting & healing now (emotionally & mentally) is as mentioned ^. No contact.

Less, the better in order to start working on YOUR own issues etc.

 

It is very hard to work on accepting such changes in life as this, I know. Been there, a year ago. Took 9 mos to have things start to easy off for me.

And do expect this anger, denial, pain, lonliness, etc to happen often through the next few months. It is normal part of dealing with a 'loss'.

Also, you can think about 'journalling' do that instead of sending any emails, texts, etc. and work out or something.

Get out, take walks etc. (Vent other ways). Keep busy to keep your mind off her.

 

One day at a time.... take care of you.

[2 months away]

Don't be too hard on yourself. When you love someone, especially in your case where you are used to putting it all out, you tend to make interesting choices.

 

The best thing for you would be to go completely no contact. It's going to be hard, especially when your ex realises you're doing this; she's used you as a back up plan before and she may work hard to retain that position.

 

At this point, she's shown you that she doesn't respect or value you. Don't fall into the habit of picking up the breadcrumbs- it can be so easy to attach emotion or intent that isn't there to menial conversations.

 

Take this time to put the energy you put in your relationship into yourself. It looks like you deserve some TLC!

[sharky988]

You and her agreed to be "friends" for two completely different reasons:

 

You did it in hopes that by staying in her life, she'd realize what she was missing and have feelings for you again and want to reconcile.

 

She did it because after 11 years together, it's scary to leave the relationship and face the unknown -- and having you in her life as a FWB helped her feel less lonely and afraid WHILE SHE MOVED ON.

 

You were actually helping her to move on by being there with her, holding her hand.

 

Now it's time to put YOU and YOUR healing first: it's time to cut contact. Walk away, disappear from her world and make her disappear from yours! Here's a guide that will help you: link removed

[miss_sunshine]

strongandweak I totally relate. My ex has just left me after 11.5 years and it is very hard. I have gone NC for 5 weeks now and it is super hard to go from seeing someone everyday and them being your best friend to nothing. I think it is just going to take us such a long time to accept it and move on as the length of the relationship was so long.

 

I think you definitely have to go NC. The one thing that keeps me going is I am not going to let him break my heart and then be there for him while he heals. He wanted out so he can deal with the consequences and I am no longer going to be available to him. Besides all I know is loving him, there is no way I could suddenly be his friend.

 

All the best and let me know if you ever want to chat more about it as I do understand how you feel.

[strongandweak]

Thank you all for the input. The part about her using me to ease moving on makes complete sense. I'm still very bitter and hurt though, and I dont see an end to these feelings. This will sound terrible, but I hope karma finds its way to her. It's taking every ounce of strength for me not to be the one that delivers it (dropping that bomb on her new relationship). But I've been NC since the blowup and I vow to keep it that way this time.

 

Also I will read that guide.