Should I snoop to see if he's been hitting on other women?

[fed up]

We broke up for a multitude of reasons: me being very cautious due to red flags I saw such as continuous flirting with other women...anger when I would address it...constant texting with other women, even some new ones whom he had befriended after he and I became a "couple"...on and off dating for one year, with a two month break up and several other break ups of one week durations (almost all initiated by me because his ongoing "friendships" wouldn't cease). I even got to the point where I said " OK, we need a rule...friendships formed prior to US meeting are fine, new friendships - with members of opposite sex, should be mutually agreed upon". He passive-aggressively agreed and then threw it in my face later...etc.

We were in a Catch 22 where I wouldn't introduce him to my 17 yr old son until I saw changes, he stayed away from my neighborhood because he said he didn't like that I didn't want to hold his hand in public. Fair enough, I see how he could be upset and I said when I felt that we were both growing together, I would come out in the open (our relationship was the result of an affair, but after I left my H. his behaviour became more erratic and inconsistent with me, and he faded in and out a lot).

His anger was becoming a bigger problem, my insecurities were growing, I just felt I could not trust his intentions to be with me. He does not like to work, is on the verge of losing his house, will likely not qualify for a mortage, and was used to his ill and elderly mother paying for everything including his car and house. Soooo. he is 47 years old, and I kept having worries that he was maybe with me for future financial dependence.

 

Anyway, we are now apart and I'm so curious to see if two of the women he was texting with are involved with him, or if he has made advances on them, even while he was with me. Should I snoop...or put this to rest? I feel tormented, as I am still in love with him. He claims to still be in love with me but for the past 6 weeks has been progressively pushing me away. He blamed it on stress and on my suspicious behaviour....I thought it was another fade out. I hate this!!

[Moontiger]

No. What would be the point? He is out of your life, and your better for it. If he flirted, didn't flirt, had full on affair, none that matters or is your business any longer.

[fed up]

thanks Moontiger. How do you figure I am better off? Obviously it bothered me a lot...am I in denial though?

[Tanzi]

Reading the title of your thread, my reaction was …. "if you feel the need to snoop then the relationship is not for you". As things stand, it certainly seems that there were MANY red flags in your relationship and you had reason enough not to trust him. No need to snoop, though. You did the right thing by giving him the chance to prove himself and then ending things when he didn't. Now that you have actually ended things, there is even less reason to snoop. Your best bet is to cut all ties and not dwell on ANYTHING. It won't help with moving on.

 

 

thanks Moontiger. How do you figure I am better off? Obviously it bothered me a lot...am I in denial though?

 

Reading your post, you have listed many reasons why you are better off NOT being in a relationship with this man. If your still can't see that then, yes, you are in denial.

[fed up]

thanks both of you. Going to give my head a shake and move on.

[HappyGal78]

Don't do it! I snooped on OK Cupid and found that my ex is already looking for his next victim... Oops I mean girlfriend. But it set me off into sadness and depression again. NOT worth it. What he's doing is not my business. What IS my business is focussing in my own healing and self esteem.

 

Personally, I would not want to be with someone who is not financially stable. And his elderly mother pays for everything? He sounds like a loser, honestly.

[mg22]

It wont make much of a difference if you snooped or not. Seems to me you know all the answers. If you snooped you will find more things and this will only upset you more. Just go with your gut feeling.

[spandora]

It amazes me how many women on this site have spent far too much time with losers like this, MYSELF INCLUDED.

 

I keep seeing myself in so many of your posts. What is wrong with us? I am smart, attractive, nurturing, a good cook, lol What was I doing with a financially unstable jerk who needed a mommy, and needed women's attention on Facebook and social media, to get an ego boost???

 

I stupidly had sex with him a month ago, then found him on OKCupid the next night! He had sworn to me that even though we were broken up, he wasn't looking for anyone..not even for sex. He has a son and he said he needed to spend more time with his son...Then I find out, he's re-activated the SAME profile he met me on (which btw he'd LIED and told me he out and out DELETED...NOT DEACTIVATED..after we committed to each other.) Lies, lies, and more lies. Why did I put up with this jerk for so long? Why did any of us?

 

Anyway, no no no, don't try to find out who he's dating. There is nothing but pain there.

 

My ex started friending all of these overly tattooed models and liking pages of tattooed models, as we were breaking up. Just as an experiment I set up a fake profile with a friend's pic..she's a model and she has tons of tattoos.

 

I'm not joking.My ex contacted the fake profile w/in TWO MINUTES of me creating it.

 

I was so disgusted and hurt.

 

There is nothing but pain there.

 

Just be glad he's not your problem anymore and let him move on to find his next victim.

 

Don't do it! I snooped on OK Cupid and found that my ex is already looking for his next victim... Oops I mean girlfriend. But it set me off into sadness and depression again. NOT worth it. What he's doing is not my business. What IS my business is focussing in my own healing and self esteem.

 

Personally, I would not want to be with someone who is not financially stable. And his elderly mother pays for everything? He sounds like a loser, honestly.

[nutbrownhare]

47 years old and his mother still pays for him? What a catch!

 

No, don't snoop. If you don't find anything, you won't quite believe it, and if you do it will just be another kick in the teeth, another blow to your self esteem. But even if he does start dating immediately, what's she going to get? A guy who's spent his entire life leeching off one woman, and is now looking for another to take her place.

 

Chalk this loser up to experience, and leave him quite firmly in the past - where he belongs.