Mom is messing up my emotional...

[Lovelavie]

I can't stand my mom. She has become my enemy throughout these years. She'll treat me like every single hour of the day and make me feel guilty for something I've done. To her, I'm never doing enough and I'm always wrong. She'll scream at me every time I say something, I mean, literally. Like I'll ask if she can bring me some kind of food from the market and she'll yell at me saying I shouldn't be asking for food and that I should be ashamed of myself for even asking it. Like seriously? It's just food. She never spends money on me yet she buys every thing my brother and my dad need. She also doesn't make food but doesn't allow me to cook my own food and I love cooking! It's a hobbie for me. She sits around the house complaining about my brother and I, and when my brother is around she's always more stressed out. He's 12 and acts childish sometimes but she can't handle her feelings. I can't ever dialogue with her because it turns into a fight... She always thinks she's right.

 

I'm adopted so I feel guilty because I think that she doesn't truly love me because she never actually had a kid, I feel different from the other kids whose mother actually had them. I feel less loved. The mothers I've met always seem to be proud of their kids even if they mess something up, they forgive and move on because it's THEIR kid. But my mom only sees me for the rights and wrongs. She spends her time criticizing us instead of trying to build moments with us.

 

I know this won't change, it's been happening for 9 years, but some times I wake in the middle of the night in deep sadness and with my heart racing because of this. Sometimes I cry a little alone, and lock myself in my room so I can be away from her. I just wanted to know if anyone else feels this way or if I just had bad luck and got stuck with a witch.

[t1lersm0m1]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. My mother, who is my birth mother, was an alcoholic growing up. She is mentally ill. She didn't scream at me daily, but she did scream at me. My adulthood is very affected by the way I was raised.

 

Can you talk to your dad about this at all?

 

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[Kattie]

Sounds like your mother is a very unhappy lady and judges herself on her kids. I'm sorry for you. I know it is lonely to not have a mentor in your corner/soft place to fall. Even biological children can have crappy mothers, though. It really has nothing to do with being adopted... bonding is bonding.

 

I wonder if your mother is ignorant to the hurt she causes you. If so, you may want to find someone to point out how her treatment makes you feel. Are you the only other girl in the household? Can you discuss your feeling with your dad? Just remember that this is actually her issue to improve on. She is the adult and needs to find a way for the relationship to work better. Parenting is a tough gig, too. Try to be understanding and don't butt heads over stuff. Instead of getting your back up or confrontational, try to ask her why she said what she did and the reasons behind her decisions. Try to work out a compromise. For example, offer to cook her one of her favorite meals. See if you can do it together. Find some common ground and build the relationship. BTW you sound pretty smart and seem to know what is important in life.

[abitbroken]

How old are you? If you are 17-25, you should buy food yourself if it is something above and beyond what she normally provides and buys. Your dad is her husband and her brother is 12. Your brother can't go shop himself. I think you should surprise her and offer to take care of yourself a little more. Maybe she is completely overwhelmed by your immature brother. You say when he is around she is more stressed out. Have you offered to take your brother for a run in the park or whatever will tire him out? Or take him off her hands for a little while? If she is complaining about you and your brother, maybe examine what about you she is complaining about and try to alleviate the messy room or whatver it is that bothers her.

[meoww]

Hugs!

 

Your relationship to your mom is probably even more difficult to fix because many people often don't seem to realize that adults, even mothers, are capable of being very dysfunctional and hurtful. If you ask another adult to help you talk it out with your mother and begin to start healing your relationship, be very, very careful about what you say. People have a tendency to minimize the damage dysfunctional parents do to their kids. They might start nit picking your behavior and find any small excuse to place the responsibility on you and not her. If this happens, you know that you're not really in a safe place to discuss your issue.

 

Start from the beginning, take a few hours and write it all down. Pick out some good examples that really show how you feel. Think about why your mother continues to pick fights and make your own home such a stressful and unwelcoming place. It's probably not a good idea to approach her alone, because she'll resort to her usual tactics. She might come around eventually, but if she has built up resentment toward you over the years, its probably going to take a while. Think about how stressful it is for you to take all this time and energy to try to mend the relationship. Will it detract from the time you need to focus on yourself?

 

I hope you don't blame yourself, because from what you've shared, it seems like your mother fundamentally lacks a desire to get along with you and coexist peacefully. I know how hard it can be to explain that to people who have never been in this position. So try not to take it too personally if you try to ask for help and people tell you that it's your responsibility and that you're enough doing enough, and that you somehow deserve to be treated with hostility, be rejected and feel like a big piece of your heart is missing. What you're experiencing is not normal and it's not your fault. She is the adult and it is/ was her responsibility to raise you in a home where you can communicate your issues to each other and resolve them peacefully.

 

You know how she works, so eventually you may realize that you cannot have any normal expectations when it comes to your relationship with her. In that case, you have to become really strong and learn to make it on your own! You don't need a mother to survive. You don't even really need love honestly. Of course it's all those warm and fuzzy things that make life worth living but on a base level you're already grown enough that you don't need those things to survive.

 

As much as it sucks, try not to make her mad. She will probably blow up eventually because thats how she has learned to manage her stress, by taking it out on you. It's become a habit and if she's relied on that for years it is probably not going to change now.

 

Keep your end game in mind at all times, and make it your number one priority to get out and be financially independent. You have it much harder than many people if I'm reading you right, so you really need a lot of savings and long term goals because if you don't make it, you're going to be scapegoated by her and things could get even worse. Other people might nor have this issue but you do so don't forget that. I know I didn't want to face it for a long time because it was so hard.

[Kattie]

It's hard to know, based on a paragraph, the true nature of your situation... whether your mother is narcotic and dysfunctional or just frustrated/unhappy and takes it out on you. We don't even know even your age, whether you are a teenager or older. All I can say is try not to get yourself drawn into someone else's bad behaviour and assert yourself as necessary in as constructive a manner a you can muster (e.g. don't get emotional, stay calm and make your point without accusing, insulting, embellishing, generalizing...). Keep the disputes on topic and stay focussed on single events. Never take someone else's bad behaviour personally. You can also chose to ignore bad behaviour and come back with something like, "Mom, you seem like you really need a hug. Can I give you one?" Keep your power over the situation. If you don't play ball, she can no longer play ball.

 

Sorry, it is the best advice I can offer.