I sign a lease today, after a year and half of heck with my grandma. . .

[TalkThatTalk9]

Today, I am signing a lease on my own apartment.

 

I am 29.... A year and half ago, I got fired and had to move in with my grandma who has parkinson's (pretty bad too I might say). Right after I moved in, she had a serious surgery and her recovery was extremely bad. My family abandoned me to take care of her on my own, and I lived through the hardest months of my life (documented on this website) I have never in my life had such a hard time, it was extremely hard. And I still have "ptsd" from it... (I would be downstairs in my room and she would collapse to the ground upstairs and it would shake the whole house and be so loud, that to this day if I hear loud bangs I think my grandma is falling down hitting her head and my heart stops beating) I have past posts if people really want to know what I went through.

 

I hate to say it but my relationship with my grandmother has suffered in the end over it. I have alot of anger and bitterness towards her for the way I was treated while here. I did whatever I could to help her and she made it hard for me and argued with me most the time. but at the same time she gave me a home, and food, and loves me like her daughter and I have to just keep reminding myself it is her parkinson's that is causing her to treat me like crap sometimes.

 

even up til last week... the parkinson's makes her lie to me all the time. I am always catching her in lies (at least I think it is the parkinson's) I came home one day, she told me I had two weeks to move out because she was moving out in two weeks. it is now a week later, I rushed to find something as fast as I could, and not a single sign of her moving. afterwards she even laughed and said "well I don't know if its two weeks or not." another lie.

 

I have a fear of change, it makes me panic. I woke up this morning in a panic because the last time I rented an apartment I failed miserably. I keep feeling like I Am going to just fail again, except this time I won't be able to just go back to grandma's like the times before because I refuse to ever ever ever put myself in this position again.

 

This morning, my grandma overslept and missed her medicine. I heard her sleeping and did not wake up her for it... I thought to myself "she has to get used to me not being here...it is her responsibility"

 

I have told her so many times to set an alarm in the morning and she refuses to. Anyways, she rushed herself too much in the morning, and she got home from eating with her friends and now she is passing out and walking around like a dead corpse because her blood pressure is so low. She didn't even know what medicine to take... I had to set up her meds for her and she kept telling me I would do it wrong while doing it.

 

I am so frustrated right now. I can't even be excited to sign my lease today (selfish I know I Am) because here I am she is passing out and I am about to leave her like this.

 

my family doesn't even try to do anything to help. What if something happens when i move out, what if she hits her head and no one is here to help her. I will never forgive myself.....

 

I am just thanking God this morning that this journey will soon end for me. Everyone and my grandma claim she is fine on her own so I have to accept that and move on. but deep down I know she will not be fine on her own. I do so much for her, everyone thinks I give myself too much credit. I guess they will have to figure it out when I leave.

 

I am sorry for rambling I had to just release this somewhere. enotalone has helped me through this year and half, so thanks for listening.

[chr8st8na]

wow you are truly amazing! Bless your heart. not a lot of people can do what you have done... I know I couldn't

[Cheetarah]

Do you think her Parkinson's is severe enough to warrant some in home care? Not even 24/7 but a nurse making home visits? It sounds like she's got cognitive impairs and that could be bad if she is forgetting to take medicines or taking wrong ones. You see her everyday, what do you think? Is she capable of taking care of herself?

 

Just curious if your new apartment is in Chicago like you were talking about in an old thread.

[appies]

I understand your frustration. I lived with my grandma while attending university, she was 89-93 while living with her. Although my grandma is a very sweet sweet lady, it was difficult not to feel some resentment for not always being recognized for the many little things I did. However, looking back at it, I do not regret helping, I benefited by saving so much money on rent, and I was able to spend time with my grandma, whom I did not know well as a child. I am forever thankful for that.

 

It got to the point that she would not be safe without access to meals and care, she wanted to fight till the bitter end to maintain her indepence, which I respect. But it was very hard on the family. Eventually she had a fall at home alone. Thankfully she was wearing a life line on her wrist and was able to get help. She had to be hospitalized for a month and lost her mobility and any chance of living alone.

 

I was always treated with respect, your were not from the sound of it. And she had asked you to leave, so I do not think you should feel guilty about it. Know that you have helped, and she has the right to deny your aid. If she is mentally unstable, it can be supported with medical documentation, and for her health can be placed in a supported living setting.

 

I too struggled to walk away from someone I cared for and about for so long. But like you, I am in my 20's and need to focus on myself. My mom pointed how, that caring for her is not my responsibility, but the responsibility of her children. While my dad and uncles have recently done a tremendous job of caring for her, it took her fall for them to realize enough is enough. I had been telling them for years that her health had been degenerating beyond independence.

 

I think that perhaps a talk with your parents, aunts and uncles is needed. Perhaps inform them of how drastic her situation, and their obligation to care for the person who cared for them. Some people are unaware that they are doing elderly neglect and are in need for the facts. As they hopefully know her better than you, they may be more successful at arranging a safe living condition for her.

 

Best of luck, I admire your kindness.

[CatsMeeoow]

I think its admirable that you were there for your grandma but it was a commensal relationship because you needed help yourself. Understandably you should have had some respite care that allowed you some time to yourself.

 

I'm sorry your grandmother has been difficult to live with - perhaps from her disease or most likely her anger at her disease requiring her to rely on others.

 

You may need to contact elder assistance programs in your area. It doesn't sound like she is okay to be 100% on her own especially if none of the other family is willing to check in on her. They may be able to help you find a program which helps her with her medication, checking in on her and meal assistance if needed. They will also be a great resource to see if your grandmother should be in some type of assisted living.

 

Good luck with your apartment... start putting money back every pay period toward an emergency fund so that if you find yourself with short term unemployment you are not completely destitute.

[TalkThatTalk9]

thank you all very much! the day has gotten better she is doing better now.

 

most days she is good. if she takes her meds, gets up at the right time, and takes her time in the morning she will have good days. it seems though, daily... I am telling her what day/month/time it is. she even has 7 calendars up in her house, and she goes all day thinking it is saturday when it is tuesday.

 

she can't figure out her banking. she worked in a bank til she retired and it takes her days to figure out her check book (she has switched banks twice because she feels the bank is the reason she bounces checks, not her). I used to have to help her alot with it, but my aunt caught wind that I Was going into her bank accounts for her and suddenly my grandma had an ipad and changed her banking codes (which makes me feel like total crap my aunt would suddenly appear for situations with money but not when her mother is collapsing to the ground. also made me feel they thought I was stealing money or something) I HATED knowing my grandma's bank codes, I hated being put in that position but no one else was helping her and I saw how upset she got not figuring out her banking.

 

and now my grandma has this ipad, she doesn't even know how to turn it on half the time. but my aunt thinks its a brilliant idea for her. she is never even around to show her how to use it.

 

my grandma can't keep up with the yard work, I have been doing the mowing for her but I stopped few weeks ago because my work schedule got so crazy. its been hard for her to keep it up.

 

she doesn't eat all day, 8pm will roll around and she will forget she hasn't eaten all day. she never drinks water. It's like having a kid sometimes. but other days she will be fine. it depends on the day.

 

she refuses to get a life alert she REFUSES. I would feel so much better if she did. she is supposed to always carry her cell phone on her but she doesn't we have 30 acres if she were to fall and get hurt no one would know if she didn't have her phone. I am going to try and call her once a day to check in if I can but I feel that is overexcessive and she will be annoyed.

 

basically I am so happy to be out of this but at same time I worry..... I hope she will be ok. and maybe once she moves off this huge property into town things will be different.

 

but my aunt is completely useless, she is in denial, never ever ever comes around here.... ever. never calls to check in. neither do her sons, my cousins. when they do show up my grandma acts like elvis and Jesus have arrived. I am chopped liver next to them all.

 

thanks for letting me get this out guys! I have tried real hard to get people to listen to me, they do not. they really think I am overreacting. Why would I make all this up? I want my grandma to be ok and live life ok.

[Chalk]

Do you think her Parkinson's is severe enough to warrant some in home care? Not even 24/7 but a nurse making home visits? It sounds like she's got cognitive impairs and that could be bad if she is forgetting to take medicines or taking wrong ones. You see her everyday, what do you think? Is she capable of taking care of herself?

 

Just curious if your new apartment is in Chicago like you were talking about in an old thread.

 

You sound like you are doing an amazing job and I really respect anyone who has to look after their relatives, especially when others are unhelpful. I wonder if her disease is affecting her cognition/planning as Cheetarah mentioned and wonder if more support is available to both of you.

[TalkThatTalk9]

I do believe her disease is making her this way, my mom reminds me of it all the time. it's hard for me to realize it's out of her control the way she is. I guess maybe I have little bit of denial myself but more so because the grandma growing up is not the one I know now. it's hard to see her struggle.

 

I know there is more help for us, but that would mean my grandma and family would have to admit we all need help. she doesn't like asking for help, she thinks its all fine. I try and point out things to her ... when she wonders why she does something all the time, I gently will explain its her parkinson's I read up on it all the time. she refuses to even listen to me and runs away. so its hard to get help. my first step for help is getting out of here for myself. and maybe if people and her realize how much I did do for her, they all will finally admit this is worse then they think.