Being dumped for someone else. Has it happened to you? How did you cope with it?

[Charlotte12]

If you read my posts...I have been here a lot lately. I won't bore you with my story once more. I will just say I was a very happy person. I had a happy relationship. I had a lot of plans for the future with my ex. He was my family (I don't have a family of my own since I don't have any close family alive, just my father)

It may be familiar to you (or not) but it has helped me to post in here because you can't be bothering your friends all the time. They don't want you to suffer, they are not going through the same as you, and they want you to get better...but that doesn't happen overnight. As much as they have been crucial to my recovery, I understood I need to stop going through the same with them. They are as confused and angry as me. They are all dissapointed and they really don't know what to say.

So, my question is... what do you do to heal? How do you learn to stop worrying about what your ex is doing specially when you know you have been replaced in a short time...How do you not care? How do you do to ignore what you know? I have been reading a lot about people being left for someone else...and I have to say it's one of the worst feelings of the world.

If you have been in my shoes, you had a very good relationship (with small problems that could be very well solved if addressed) this took you by surprise (and maybe it was a surprise to everyone around you) you thought he could be sad, or at least ask for forgiveness but he didn't. He chose to run away, he chose to start something new right away, he couldn't care about my feelings and on top of everything he lied a lot of times in order to leave.

So how do you get over dissapointment when you were not expecting it at all? How do you stop those feelings of rejection? How do you stop feeling like you are not worthy because someone just chose that you were not worthy? How do you forget that you invested six years (or maybe more in your cases) with someone who chose to throw it all away?

Luckily my reaction was to do anything in my power to feel better. But three months later, even though I'd come a long way...I still feel very bad. I still feel that I can't believe it sometimes...I still feel that he became a totally different person.

Hope you can share some of your stories with me.

 

To all of those reading even if you don't feel like responding, THANK YOU. Just letting feelings out helps a lot.

[GoogilyBear]

I'm sorry for what you are going through. I know how much it hurts. Your story is eerily similar to mine. It's been three months for me too. We had a very good relationship...never any arguments or disagreements, very loving and caring. I was not expecting it at all. Of course I was devastated and crushed. It was an amicable BU though...she said she didn't feel the same way about me anymore and she just up and ran away. and I just recently found out that she started seeing her first ex-husband a month and a half after dumping me. As I'm sure you know, that is like a dagger to the heart.

 

I too have made a lot of progress with myself in these past three months. I actually reached out to her again a few weeks ago to see if she was interested in talking about things, seeing as we have been in LC since the BU and were on friendly terms, but that was not the case. She just sees me as a friend right now. And of course that totally put a halt to my healing. I was actually feeling much better before I reached out. And now being rejected again has got me low.

 

I wish I had the answers to all of your questions, as they are pretty much the same ones I keep asking myself. After the first month of the BU is when I really started getting better. I was working out and losing weight, which made me really feel better about myself. I found myself not even thinking about her that much anymore. However, me reaching out to her and being rejected, again, made me feel just as bad as when we first broke up.

 

For now, I decided to go strict NC. We would always have a friendly text every week or two, but it was always me initiating it. But honestly, it has been really hard to not contact her. It's been two and a half weeks since I reached out, and I haven't contacted her, and she hasn't contacted me. I fully expect her too, as she would usually check on me every week or two. I decided I would reply, but short and friendly like she did with me, and I will not be the one to initiate it anymore.

 

I decided to go NC for my own healing purposes. I ask myself the same questions you do over and over every day, and like you, I wish I had the answers. All I can say is that I have to continuously tell myself that it is over, and nothing I say or do is going to change her mind. Some days I feel pretty good, and others I can barely get out of bed. I know that it will get better with time, but it is still so hard. I got back to working out, working on the house, working in my garden, hanging out with friends...anything to get my mind off of things. I don't know if you are interested in reconciling, but the biggest hurdle for me has been thinking about if her rebound is going to work out, and if she will ever come back to me someday. I know that clinging to hope like this can really hold you back, so I try to push those thoughts out as much as possible. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it just takes time. They say that it is when you have moved on is when they come back, but I'm trying my best not to think about it. I try to keep my mind as occupied as possible, push those hopes for reconciliation and rebound failure out of my head, and try to focus on myself and my own happiness. I try to think positive as much as I can, about meeting somebody even better in the future, and about being happy again. That is really about all I can do at this point.

 

Hope this helps a little bit. Hang in there, it will get better (or so they say)

[mhowe]

He did not choose that you were not worthy....he chose someone else. That is not the same thing.

 

I was in 8,YEAR relationship. He cheated and moved on to the other woman. 15 years later he is still with her. Are not they happy....no. He is an alcoholic and abuser.

 

How did I get over it? By acknowledging that I deserved happiness with someone who loved me...not someone who would leave me.

 

His tastes do not dictate your worth.

[Charlotte12]

GoogilyBear first of all, let me thank you for answering, it means a lot. I have been doing almost the same. I lost a lot of weight in the beggining and it was weight that I was trying to get off for a few years. That gave me a lot of confidence, and everyone keeps telling me I look prettier (of course it is hard to believe this because your self-esteem is a little bit damaged, and they may say this to make you feel better, but...it helps) last time I saw my ex he even told me I looked gorgeous and that my body looked very good too. Unfortunately, I couldn't talk with him anymore, because a week later I found out he had lied about seeing someone new. She posted a picture on his fb wall, and he deleted me from his account (he had me as a friend until that moment). That was a month and a half after the break up. I guess they don't lose time, huh? Like you, I have also thought a lot about reconciling one day (especially because he gave me a lot of false hope in the beggining, and we kissed the last time we saw each other, before discovering the lies) but the same as you are doing, I try to get rid of those thoughts as much as I can. Because I don't want to be waiting for something that may never happen. In the beggining, I thought this was a rebound...but I don't know. If you read my previous threads...I found out two days ago that he introduced this girl to his parents and they don't like her. They miss me (and they tell me all the time, which makes it very difficult) and they are waiting for him to leave her because they think it's a huge mistake. You may imagine how I feel...everyone, even his family is on my "side" but he is not. He had no trouble leaving me, getting together with someone else and already introducing her to his parents, everything in less than three months.

I know it will get better, and I certainly know I am a really strong person that has been through a lot. I will not let myself drown into my own sorrow because I love me enough to realize I can't throw my life away for someone...but I keep on thinking about those stupid unanswered questions, I keep thinking if he would ever acknowledge my existence again... I don't know.

 

THANK YOU FOR TAKING THE TIME TO READ AND RESPONDING!! Hugs!! Hope you can get better soon.

[Charlotte12]

He did not choose that you were not worthy....he chose someone else. That is not the same thing.

 

I was in 8,YEAR relationship. He cheated and moved on to the other woman. 15 years later he is still with her. Are not they happy....no. He is an alcoholic and abuser.

 

How did I get over it? By acknowledging that I deserved happiness with someone who loved me...not someone who would leave me.

 

His tastes do not dictate your worth.

 

 

Yeah...It's just the way I feel. I know I shouldn't feel that way...it will go away someday I guess. I know I didn't deserve this and maybe I am just trying to make sense on why would he do that to someone he said he loved so much.

[mhowe]

Because feelings change....

[Charlotte12]

Because feelings change....

 

Yes...I know. Maybe I just didn't get to the part where I can accept that. If feelings change, you tell the truth. You don't lie and lie and lie. If you have a change of heart, this may have happened a while ago. You should tell that immediately. If you have some respect (at least) for the person you are leaving, you have to let that person go with the truth. Truth always comes out, and when it does, the damage done is almost unrepairable.

[mhowe]

Some people avoid confrontation. And if he left you by lying and covering up the lie...then trust is as broken as the relationship. And trying to figure out why liars lie is just a waste of time and energy.

[Charlotte12]

Yeah...he kind of gave me hope he was alone and he intended to be alone for a long time...he said we could get back together some day...he basically ran away from me instead of trying to work things out and I could never understand that until I saw there was somebody else in the picture. Funny thing is, he had never lied to me before, or to anyone...he was a pretty decent guy. I don't know what happened to him...maybe that's hard to accept for me too.

[GoogilyBear]

Yeah...he kind of gave me hope he was alone and he intended to be alone for a long time...he said we could get back together some day...he basically ran away from me instead of trying to work things out and I could never understand that until I saw there was somebody else in the picture. Funny thing is, he had never lied to me before, or to anyone...he was a pretty decent guy. I don't know what happened to him...maybe that's hard to accept for me too.

 

Now it's starting to get scary...sooooo similar to my ex. She was also the non-confrontational type too.

[GoogilyBear]

Thank you Charlotte12! We're all in the same boat here

 

Yes, the weight loss helped my self-confidence tremendously. I've never had a lot of confidence, and I've joked for the longest time about how I would love to get back down to my college FB weight. And now I have kind of done it! I've lost 55 pounds in just over 3 months. I get compliments daily on how I look, even though I know I still have a lot I want to accomplish with that. My ex knows that I have lost weight, but we haven't seen each other since the BU. I live on one side of town and she lives on the other. I have pretty much turned myself around, and have gained qualities in myself that I never thought I would have.

 

Thankfully, my ex is not on Facebook. I just turned 36 and she is 48. She is not into technology at all, and just got her first smartphone for Xmas, doesn't have internet access, and doesn't even mess with it. I don't think I could handle seeing constant updates on what she is doing or how happy they are. Also, all of her family is accross the country. I never met them or spoke to them, so I don't have to hear anything from them either. About the only updates I get are from a former co-worker. The ex and I met at work, and we have a mutual friend there that I have kept in contact with since I moved jobs. I had sent her a pic of my weight loss, and she printed it out and showed the ex. She said I looked good and she was happy for me. Her friend said she seemed happy with her new/old guy, but nothing was said about it, so hard telling what that actually means.

 

Thoughts of reconciliation are the hardest to get rid of. I'm pretty much over the breakup and everything that has happened. Really I just miss the companionship, and my best friend. But no matter how hard I try, I can't shake those thoughts of reconciliation out of my head. It's so frustrating. I know what I need to do to move on and be happy again, but my heart will just not let go right now. My ex and her current rebound have been divorced for 20 years, and hadn't talked in 10 years. She left him because he did not give her the attention she needed, kind of like I did. My issue was that I developed a pretty bad medical condition, lost my father, and switched jobs pretty much all at the same time. Major life events=major stress, and I pretty much shut down. I didn't put forth any effort towards anything at all the last couple months of our relationship, and that's why she left me. But instead of talking with me or trying to work it out, she just ran away, just like she did with him. I've accepted the fact that she is in another relationship, but I have a gut-feeling (my gut has been right so many times these last 3 months lol) that it will not work out between them. The honeymoon phase will end, the fireworks will fizzle out, and she will realize that it's the same old thing between them. He is a fireman, and spends all his time at the firehouse or out with his buddies, just like he did 20 years ago. She even told me herself the last time we spoke, "He does his own thing, and I do mine," in other words, repeating the pattern for their failure.

 

Part of the reason that I went NC is selfish of course. She has never really had any time away from me since the BU, with me always texting her, even though I backed way off the last 2 months. All of a sudden, I'm not reaching out to her anymore. She doesn't know how much more weight I have lost, she doesn't know how hard i have worked to build my flower garden up this year (she LOVES flowers), she doesn't know all the improvements I have made to the house,she doesn't know a thing about what I am doing or how I am doing. Right when things start to fizzle out with her new/old rebound, she will start to think and wonder what is up with me. Hmmmm...he would always text me before, I wonder why he hasn't. Is he ok? Has he found somebody else too? Is he happy? You get my point lol. Now I know what some on here will say...go NC for yourself, not as a tool to get your ex back. That is true, but am not using it as a tool to "get her back." Everything I just described is usually a side effect of going NC, and I had to do it for my own sake. Constantly reaching out to her and trying to be "friends" just made me feel worse.

 

You said it best though. "Because I don't want to be waiting for something that may never happen." As much I would like to think that this is how it is going to happen, I've decided to live my life like I will never have a chance to be with her again. I've also accepted the fact that I will probably never get answers to all the questions I wish I could ask her, which is really the worst part. i would love nothing more than to get answers, but I think we both just have to accept we never will. We just have to accept it and move on, as hard as it is. And really, that's all we can do. Focus on ourselves, our happiness, and what the future may bring. You never know what will happen!!

 

(jeez I'm bad about rambling, and hijacking haha) Sorry!

[yellowclaw1030]

Im sorry to hear you are going through this but it will get better in time, my story is similar. I was with a woman who i thought i would marry and spend my life with and she told me the same. Then her personal life started to get out of control (long story, mother an alcoholic, few family members passed away, etc) i did everything to be there for her but also gave her space and respected her wishes, long story short i found out after this past Christmas she cheated on me but begged me to stay. When i said i wasnt sure i needed time to think she basically ran away and within a few weeks was dating a new guy, not even the one she was cheating on me with.

 

This was the worse feeling in the world and the most beaten down i had ever felt, this person who said i was their soul mate,etc did this i couldnt believe it.

Instantly went NC and deleted her from everything. Then i took all that negative energy and started getting back into physical fitness and sports. I took it a step forward and now i use my passion in these 2 areas to compete (in crossfit) and raise money for Wounded Vets. Its been only about 4 months complete NC but i feel so much better inside and out. I still need to heal and cant picture dating anyone anytime soon since its still in the back of my mind a bit, the trust part, but i know they will disappear especially when someone better comes along that im truly ment to be with and this whole horror will be just a stepping stone in the right direction for myself.

 

Keep your head up, find a passion whatever it may be and go for it

[Charlotte12]

Ramble all you want! It helps me and it may help you too! Thanks for everything =)

[SooSad33]

"So, my question is... what do you do to heal? How do you learn to stop worrying about what your ex is doing specially when you know you have been replaced in a short time."

"Luckily my reaction was to do anything in my power to feel better. But three months later, even though I'd come a long way...I still feel very bad. I still feel that I can't believe it sometimes.."

 

-This is ALL the part of 'mourning'. The 'loss' you're having to deal with. So, you will be going thru those emotions for a while yet.

The heartache, the confusion, the denial, the lonliness, the anger, etc. All a part of what we're faced with, when this happens. And it will come in 'waves'. Some days won't be so bad, other days we can't get out of bed.

I felt a LOT of anxiety when it happened to me and i had to goto my dr and get something for the anxiety. I also made my way into therapy for about a year.

 

3 months was still all very fresh and painful. It went on for about 9 months, until it finally began to ease off a bit.

Throughout that time, I felt very sad , alone and in much heartache.

 

Yes, we go through all of those thoughts.. how could he? Did he not care? Was I nothing? I don't think he really ever loved me!..... etc.

 

It takes time, Charlotte. I was as hurt as you are.

I basically lived in my room and cried. I didn't go do anything unless I had to. My nerves were a wreck. I felt so awful

I also spent time writing down all I wanted to say and all of those pent up emotions and feelings. I filled up 2 booklets withing 3 months or so. I 'vented' in my own way.

Every day was a challenge.

 

Today, I am not as bad, but I do still feel some 'anger' towards him. it is now a year later. But I am managing. I keep working on my ;stability; and I keep trying to smile.. and get over all of the pain & damage.

 

The same will go for you.

One day at a time, is all I say. It'll feel like hell but will not last forever.