Being left for someone else after six years...

[Charlotte12]

 

He asked for some space in February after our 6th Anniversary. It was pretty much out of the blue since we were celebrating and the next week he told me he needed space, time…he continued to tell me he loved me and that he wasn’t going to leave, he just needed space. Unfortunately I couldn’t understand his need for space and I freaked out. I cried, called him crying, begged him to come back and work on whatever was going on with him. He broke up with me in the beggining of March. It was very hard for me to let him go so I tried to understand why was he suddenly so eager to leave me after telling me he loved me and that he wasn't going to leave. I decided to stop contacting him because our talks were confusing, one minute he said “You are my best friend” or “I love you” and the next minute he was saying that he still needed space and to be on his own. Fast forward I contacted him in April. He came home and we had a talk, he brought him my stuff over (I almost lived at his house three or four times a week) he told me I looked beautiful all the time and touched my face, pretty much acting like if he cared. I asked him if I could kiss him and he said he didn't know if that was right…after that he kissed me. He said I would never loose him but we could not be together at the time. Finally, a week after that I found out through Facebook that he is with another woman. We were not broken up two months and he was already jumping into another relationship. I confronted him and he lied about it, telling me it was a recent thing and he never cheated. Of course I can’t believe this. If he didn’t cheat on a physical level I am sure he cheated emotionally. My love for him changed…I think I still love him and I wish he could admit what he did, or at least say he is sorry but he doesn't think he is doing anything wrong. Well, kissing your ex when you know you are starting seeing someone is not OK.

I know I shouldnt think about him but I miss him. I can't even contact him after what he did...how does he not give a damn about me after six years?

Opinions?

[jjkk]

You may never get him to admit to anything and you may never get the closure you feel you need from him. Unfortunately it's a reality you can't change. Many times people have checked out of the relationship long before they actually break up. He may have already distanced himself emotionally from you over a period of months before officially ending it which is why it seems he moved on so quickly.

 

I'm sure he still cares about you. Six years is a long time to be w/ someone and I don't think people usually just stop caring. He could have been saying he needed space and continued w/ the "I love you"s and such because he was trying to let you down easy. It could have been he was keeping you around a bit to see if this other relationship would pan out or not. It could be something completely different. Only he knows.

 

Of course you miss him! He was your partner for 6 years. This is normal. Feel sad and thinking about him a lot is normal right now. Continue NC and slowly things will get better. You'll feel better and you'll think about him less and less. Make plans w/ friends and family. Keep yourself busy to help ease the pain and give you things to look forward to. It does get easier. Hugs to you.

[Charlotte12]

Thank you so much for taking the time to answer! To be honest, what made this really difficult is he was very much in love with me until our anniversary in February, we were making plans to make a trip together so everything seemed normal...he started to act strange less than a month before break-up and space thing. NC really helped but I dont know...some days I wish I could talk with him, some days I think I wouldnt want to see him ever again. I think it is too soon to reach to a final conclusion.

 

Hugs to you too

[Ms Darcy]

How old are you guys? How was your relationship?

[Charlotte12]

How old are you guys? How was your relationship?

 

 

He is 30. I am 25. The relationship was very good, we didnt fight a lot...we made a lot of trips together...unfortunately it is very hard for me to think about those good times because he lied.

[Ms Darcy]

You were pretty young when you started dating. Is this your first relationship? Is this his first relationship?

[Charlotte12]

You were pretty young when you started dating. Is this your first relationship? Is this his first relationship?

 

Yes it was for me, not for him, he was 24 when we started dating and he had had a formal girlfriend before as well as many women in his life.

[SooSad33]

Hugs.. to you (((((Charlotte))))

I am VERY sorry to hear of your loss. I know exactly how you feel. I went thru the same things a year ago. And I know just how hard it is to understand all of this.... And how painful & heartbreaking it is.

I was also in a LTR of 5 yrs. My ex did the same.. 'drifted' away.. kept lying to me and was in 'denial' and lying to me about another woman. It all seemed like an unreal nightmare, until I caught him.

 

I completely fell apart, my anxiety was extreme and went into therapy. I was a mess for 9 months. But, I kept up, here on this site. It did help!

 

I agree, totally on what Jj said ^^.

 

I came on here asking numerous questions about possible 'Rebound relationships'- if he may be in one, etc.

Yes, it could have been as such, but I kept being told to NOT bother with him. To stand my ground.. No contact etc.

Of course, I faltered a bit there, now & then. (Because I was so distraught, confused, heartbroken, etc). We all do this....

As you'll come to see, if you stick around here.

 

Many people will try to help you out with things. To understand them and how to go about it with 'suggestions'.

This is a very good site.

 

It will be very painful for the next few months. I needed something for my anxiety and therapy.

It is same as any 'loss', so you will go thru those emotions of lonliness, confusion, denial, etc. until you are able to work on 'accepting' the facts and then healing.

 

One day at a time, I say. It all takes time.

I lost all interest in my enjoyment and hobbies etc. Today, I am back to listening to my music, watching some tv but still not back to playing games online.

 

I hope you can manage to work on getting better, I know how painful it is.. not fair.. etc.

 

Take care, Charlotte.

[Charlotte12]

Thank you so much for your response...it is so helpful to hear some advice from people that experienced this...did your ex ever apologize? I guess I am still waiting for an apology even though I shouldn't expect anything from him.

[SooSad33]

yes, I guess in a way, he did. When he was here, once, during one of our 'run in's'.. after about 4-5 months apart, he did say to me.

I'm sorry, it's my fault.

Which really made no difference, as he still did what he did! Which hurt me a lot!

He'd done a few other attempts to 'stay on my good side' or something, by saying he 'still loved me'.. misses me etc.

BUT.. HELLO.. idiot.. YOU lied, you cheated on me and SHE is still in your life, isn't she?

 

Even to this day ( A yr later), he's tried to contact me. Ask me to meet him for a cofffee, about once a month. But, I have NOT replied to it.

It's same as 'breadcrumbs'. Little nothings- and besides, I still hold quite a bit of anger & resentment for the mental anguish of everything I've endured this last year.. so, really, WHY would I want to see him now?

 

A way I've come to deal with this is REPEATEDLY reminding myself how he lied.. how he cheated etc. Removing him from his pedestal and fighting every yearning to respond back or contact him

Whether he's still with her, or not. it's done, sadly. And All I can say is. ' I tried'!

 

* If you really do love someone, you just don't do this*. And so I am working on leaving it behind me now. Still on anxiety med's and in therapy, left picking up my broken self.

And i honestly think some people just do NOT understand what love is or how to love other's.

[Charlotte12]

You are so strong! Yes, I think the same way every time I feel bad and I miss him. It is funny how some people regret what they lost after it is gone...But I guess I wished he would be sorry because I have the feeling I am nothing for him, that I was not worthy of an apology and that after six years he doesn't care about me.

[SooSad33]

Thanks.. it's been tough, but nothing else we can do in this situation.. sure does hurt, eh?

 

I am pretty sure he does care about you and I'm also sure he does think about you. But.. when someone does this type of thing, it's best to just leave ALL alone and let them roam as they must.

Yes, we're suffering and give it time... it'll come back around, where good chance is, that he'll be trying to contact

you again about something.

 

Just be cautious with that, though. As we're already aware, they are liars! So, can't trust them, sadly

I really don't think they'll ever 'get it'. The pain they've put us through, our heartache.. cause I did love him.. deeply.

And I got that- from him? GRRR.

 

So, if or when he may come around.. stand your ground and don't play those games. They cannot have their cake & eat it too! My ex tried it a few times... still being with her but would try to come see me.. like WHY?

You chose to move on.. then leave ME alone!

 

I'm sure you'll probably fall back here n there... but just keep working on that. Keep working on YOU now.

It takes time is all. Time is all we've got.

In a few months, things will start to ease off a bit.

[Charlotte12]

Every day I get up and think...will he ever regret this? will he ever at least apologize? or will he just forget about my existence and go live happily without acknowlodging me? I don't know why do I keep doing this to myself...I know I shouldn't...the thing is he didn't do anything like this throughout our whole relationship...he never lied, and he was always there for me...I think he really messed up to make up for the good times, huh? Actually nobody can believe what had happened...not even his family (Yeah, his family has contacted me several times. I am his nephew's godmother so I guess I am kind of hooked to them for life...sort of)

 

I know you shouldn't hope for anything but I can't stop...I think it will fade eventually...but for now, it is very hard to think that I won't ever talk to him again and that he doesn't care about that.

 

As for me...well this really kicked me. I started having panic attacks two years ago...I had a lot of stress, three jobs and a lot of pressure...I kind of exploded one day. I finally couldn't get alone of the house. I started therapy and a lot of things but when he left me, that's when I really started working on me. I went into therapy again, I started taking meds for anxiety just like you do...and I am doing very well, I even started going out by myself again. I have a long way to go (I can't take the bus alone for example) but I sure do a lot of things that I didnt do for the past two years like...going to the supermarket alone.

I wish I could talk to you, is there any way I can send you a message? of course if you don't mind! I just think you have been through the same things I am going through now.

[SooSad33]

3 jobs.. whoaa. I quit the one i had a yer ago,, just when i broke. Haven't been working since. I have issues.

Good that you are in therapy & dealing with the anxiety. Was awful here.. wow!

 

I do still have my days... my moments.. where I do my emotional 'fall apart', but i do my best to keep it together.

Yes, this kinda **** can be damaging, aparently!

I fell back like you did. I stopped listening to my music, playing games, watching tv and never went out, unless I had to ( I have kids.. school, shopping).

But basically fell apart and had NO drive for anything anymore.

Today, I am now listening to my music again, and am watching a bit of tv. Don't go out much and don't play games still.

So, yes it is a process, for sure!

 

As for contact (private) email etc. I believe that isn't permitted to be shown on here - in these postings- and at the moment, because your 'new', I am not yet, able to contact you thru PM (private) as of yet.

Not until you've been around for a bit more.

 

Not sure exactly if it's to do with time on here or amt of posts? YOU can look into it.... but when i'm able, i will send you a msg that way- directly to you.

It'll show as accessable when I can do so...

 

So, stick around... and we'll talk more soon.

Keep up with this site, it's really helpful. Am glad I found this a year ago.

 

tc

[Charlotte12]

Yeah...but I am not proud about those jobs. You kind of lose focus by doing so many things at the same time. I was annoyed all the time, I went to College every morning, then I went to my first job and right after that I went to the second. The third one was two times a week and on Saturdays. And at the same time I had a boyfriend (this guy) and my friends and family. Plus, I was dealing with the death of my mom. I kind of fell apart because of all the pressure I put on me. I finally learned the hard way I had to do something as intense as those jobs and life I had then to get back in track. Because it took a lot of time and bad things for me to build so much stress...and I think it will take a lot of time to get it out.

 

 

You seem to be doing pretty good after all what happened to you, and it is really nice to find out that there's light at the end of the tunnel. Well, I am a very positive person but I was very depressed the first month and a half and I couldn't think this way. I am sure good things will happen to us to make up for all the suffering. And I am really sure we will be so much STRONGER when that happens!

 

Thank you for the information about the blog, I will stay around for sure! This has been a lot of help and I just have been here for a few days. I will contact you when we have the opportunity, thank you for your words!

[SooSad33]

No problem, Charlotte

 

Yes, life sure has it's up's n down's and sometimes we have to learn the hard way

By sounds of it, you did yourself in and were doing too much, huh? Crazy you...

 

So sorry you've lost your mom. I was adopted when a youngster and so my depression, anxiety etc, also stems from back then.

It's just been worse for me though, through this BU i had a year ago and my work. I was a psw for Red cross- for 3 yrs.

It was very stressful & emotional doing all we were exposed to- but, I tried.

Now- it's time to take care of ME. As i told all my clients. they agreed!

 

Anyways.. those are all lengthy stories.. which I have endured.. as Im sure you have as well.

I wish you a good weekend. I have to get myself together here now & do some cleaning etc. Take care of the animals..

 

Will talk again, soon.

 

Take care, enjoy the weather, wherever you are..lol