Mixed Signals

[Danica24]

I was seeing a guy who was like a best friend but he has trouble expressing himself and has low self esteem this even though he won't admit it led to our breakup. He likes the attention of other women so I exited the frame but when I left he accused me of abandoning him and said it's like I've given up on him and would never leave me. He's upset that I have as he puts it 'left him' we argue coz I don't want to be around until he sorts himself out he's basically told me that he's no good but that he doesn't want to loose me and then turns around and says that this is only friendship and I'm seeing something that's not there. I've tried to tell him that he needs to admit that friends don't 'work' like this. Out friends say it's obvious how he feels and that he's scared. I know you don't know me, but am I crazy, am I seeing something that isn't there. Does this guy have feelings but is just too scared or is he just messing with me? All input welcome. Thanks

[ThatwasThen]

I'd consider a guy that needed the attention of other women to get his self-esteem a red flag and like you, I would leave him. However: Unlike you, I'd not keep talking to him and listening to his manipulative dialogue and self-pity.

 

Start ignoring him so that you can get over him and more importantly, he can stop his pity party. Don't enable him to abuse you over your chose not to stay with him.

[Jerry17]

Contrary to what the person before me said, I actually think he likes you as much as you like him. I've sort of been in this situation as well where I acted like him and she acted like you. It seems like he's too afraid of what's to come with you two.

 

His low self-esteem is hurting you two's friendship/relationship. He likes attention from other women because he probably has a history of women rejecting him. Honestly, it seems like he may have a history of people abandoning him as well.

 

I don't think he's playing you. Since you two have mutual friends, I'm pretty sure if he was playing you, he would've told one of them by now and you would've found out.

 

You and you two's mutual friends should get together and approach him about his personal issues. Let him know that you all are there for him, especially you. Tell him that he needs to move on from his past and try to get over his low self-esteem.

 

And no, you're definitely not crazy. This guy definitely has feelings for you.

[ThatwasThen]

Op: Consider this:

 

Jerry: What does it matter if he likes her as much as she likes him if he needs the attention of other women and that's a deal breaker for her (which it should be)?

 

If he has the issues you think he has, then those are other very good reasons to exit stage left and not even consider going back for more of the same. He needs to work on his self with the help of a therapist or a life coach to overcome because his friends can only support him while he gets the help he needs, they can't fix him. To go back when he's had zero improvement or the necessary help is just enabling him to be the man she's found out she can't tolerate ~ That's why she left him.

 

That fact that he likes her doesn't negate all the crappy behaviour and attention getting that he needs from other women. Huge red flag that.

 

I don't want to be around until he sorts himself out

As it should be for anyone that has personal boundaries and loves themselves.

[Jerry17]

What I said is only what I think is going on and what I think she should do. YOU are not understanding what I said. People with low self-esteem and a history of rejection like getting attention. They are not used to it.

 

If she really cares about him and wants to see him get better, she will be there for him. I'd understand if this was an abusive relationship. If it was, she would have a very good reason to leave him. But this isn't an abusive relationship.

 

I said she and their mutual friends should be there for him and tell him that he needs to move on from his past and get over his low self-esteem. Honestly, you don't NEED a therapist or a life coach to overcome problems like low self-esteem, as long as you don't have a serious case of it. I don't know if you've had problems like this, but if you did, you would know that you don't NEED a therapist or life coach if your problems aren't too serious.

[ThatwasThen]

Do you know what "codependency" is, Jerry?

Because this: Is what codependents do even if it means they suffer and are mistreated while they "be there for him."

 

I'm responding to the opening poster and you're sticking up for who she's on here about. Its not her job to "stick around" while he gets the attention of other women. And... How do you know he doesn't have a "serious case of it?"

 

One thing I know for sure is that the Op does not have low self esteem and she is strong enough to stay away from someone issued "until he straightens himself out" which more then likely will not happen if she "sticks by him" and enables him to continue on in the same manner. (getting the attention of other women)

[ThatwasThen]

Adding: I guess we will have to agree to disagree. Op now has two opposing views that she can take or leave. Her prerogative.

[Ms Darcy]

What I said is only what I think is going on and what I think she should do. YOU are not understanding what I said. People with low self-esteem and a history of rejection like getting attention. They are not used to it.

 

If she really cares about him and wants to see him get better, she will be there for him. I'd understand if this was an abusive relationship. If it was, she would have a very good reason to leave him. But this isn't an abusive relationship.

 

I agree with ThatwasThen. I think it's a very selfish view to say "People with low self-esteem and a history of rejection like getting attention. They are not used to it" as if that should be excusable in a relationship with boundaries. Her priority should not be him and his self-esteem. Her priority should be her.

 

And obviously his priority is himself if he's more concerned with juggling other women's attentions than growing up like most adults have to and dealing with his issues.

[Loves2Write]

I am learning through my own healing process that you have to love yourself more. If you aren't comfortable, state your boundary, if they care about you they will respect that boundary. Which is what you did and quite confidently, I'd stick with your initial action. I agree with some of the comments on here and have had similar issue with a man who gets ego strokes off female attention. They have an issue with themselves and nothing you say or do is going to change how they see themselves. They have to want to change.