First time here...Need some advise

[bhbull]

This is my first time here. Have kind of a different issue. I am 53 and she is 45 so not young kids. Starts out with we have had a very nice comfortable relationship. Long distance but she has been here many many times with me. She has 3 kids, and youngest daughter just had a son with medical issues then daughter became ill...both are now out of hospital doing much better. My issue is the daughter lives at the GF's ex's house. The first baby she had she lived there and he booted them both out when he was only 3 months old. Everyone says he will kick them out again...now heres the tough part. So the GF moves back in and staying in his basement with the daughter and her 2 sons. I have issues with this but what do I do?? After having words with the GF she finally says the best thing is for you to move on as she knows its not fair to me to have to go through this. She tells her sister she is torn knowing she loves me but felt it was best for now...that's been a week ago. I feel I need to fly to them and face her face to face to show her I do care...whats all your thoughts...thanks

[bulletproof]

Is she staying there to take care of them? I'm confused as to why she wouldn't just have them move in with her.

[ParisPaulette]

The first baby she had she lived there and he booted them both out when he was only 3 months old. Everyone says he will kick them out again...

 

You forgot to tell us who "he" is. I can't answer the post, because I am missing information and not sure what this mysterious "he" has to do with anything. Her husband, her ex=husband, the daughter's husband, who?

[bhbull]

Sorry...the he that kicked the daughter and her son is the GF's ex-husband and daughters stepdad....the GF moved into his basement to be there with daughter, son and new born baby to be the mediator between daughter and stepdad. Like I said then the GF tells me its not fair to put through all this and thinks its best I move onto be happy...when just minutes before we were both happy????? Confused

[catfeeder]

It sounds as though GF didn't need any questioning of her choices while facing life or death issues with her daughter and grandchild.

 

Everyone with an ex and any children who connect them to that ex has needed to manage those relationships in ways that pre-date a current lover. Either we can accept the way they do this, or we can't--but interfering in that dynamic during a time of extreme stress is not wise.

 

Showing up out of the blue falls under the not wise category.

 

I'd allow enough time for GF to stabilize her family situation. I'd send a sweet 'thinking of you' card on occasion--but one of brief encouragement and thoughtfulness rather than a dissection of events or emotions.

 

I'd trust that if this is a 'meant to be' deal, GF will reflect on your relationship when she's able to do so. Meanwhile, I'd respect her decision. I'd also consider the nature of the long distance--was this permanent? If so, the relationship likely had limited viability in the first place, but this is soooo not the time to raise relationship issues with GF right now.

 

Head high, and my heart goes out to you.