What is going on? LONG story/post, any advice/help is appreciated.

[badfactory]

I can't believe I'm sitting in my office making this post, here.

 

The situation is ridiculous. I dated my ex for about 2 1/2 years from 2009-2011. There were a lot of external issues that were swirling around us the entire relationship, but our hull together was never breached. We were too strong, had too much chemistry, loved each other too much. Then I made a pretty grave mistake - I let those external things start affecting me, shortening my temper, etc. One night we were supposed to meet up for a dinner date, business as usual, and I went to pick her up from her condo. I called and she wasn't answering the phone. It was such a little thing, but that finally made me snap.

 

I was angry, furious even. I let her have it about everything -- her family's unreasonable expectations, the pressure I was feeling from them, how upset I was with her for refusing to stay in my corner when they talked about me, all of that stuff. It never got physical or verbally abusive or anything, but the lid came off and she saw a side of me that I knew existed, but hasn't come out since then and doesn't happen very often. It takes a lot for me to get that way.

 

The same night, we made up about it, verbally and physically, and I thought things were peachy. I forgot my wallet at her condo and dropped by the next morning to pick it up, but I could see in her face that something was seriously off. At work, I don't remember what exactly she said, but what she was saying or the way she was talking to me made it very clear that what happened the previous night was not over and was potentially having a catastrophic effect on our relationship. I left work immediately and began driving like a maniac to get to her to try to figure what was going through her head and how I could fix it.

 

I got in a car accident on the way there -- hit a puddle of water, hydroplaned, spun accross oncoming traffic, jumped a curb and side-slammed into a lightpole. Looking back, it's a freaking miracle I didn't hit anybody or get hurt at all. I was only about 5 minutes from her condo, but when I called her and told her what happened, even then she seemed reluctant to come. It was like talking to someone who barely knew me. She did eventually show up, but I remember that nothing of value came from it as far as repairing things.

 

She said she wanted to take a couple weeks and think about things, and two weeks later we met up so she could cut ties. It was in a parking lot at a mutual friend's coffee shop that we frequented.

 

After that, I ran. I took a job 850 miles away to get away, it hurt so bad. I had started planning my life to be with this person, had invested everything I had in her, and we had already been through so much. To have it end so...anti-climatically? I was in such pain. I went to a couple of hangouts before I left where I knew she'd be there, but every time I saw her it was like DAGGERS through my chest. So I ran. I never told her I was leaving, and the announcement was made via Facebook posts of my furnished apartment and new living area.

 

A few weeks after that, I got an email from her that was confusing as hell. She was apologetic for the way things ended..but wasn't reconsidering her decision..but felt completely out of control because of what I had done? I sent back a very curt email accepting her apology based on some advice I received. I've since come to realize that was the wrong response because she was probably confused and wanted to talk some things out. I further compounded the issue shortly after the email exchange by announcing a new fling via Facebook. I think those two things -- the email response and the new relationship -- were probably the biggest mistakes I made after the breakup, but looking back, I had moved away and at the time had no intentions of returning.

 

A few months after, while still working out of state, I sent her an email out of the blue asking if she'd like to meet up for coffee and catch up when I was home for the holidays. To my utter shock and disbelief, she accepted. I didn't know what to think or expect. I tried to expect nothing, but it was obviously very hard. The meet up went well, so I thought -- we talked and laughed and shared some things and generally caught up -- but then she revealed that she still didn't desire a friendship or to communicate regularly. It caught me totally off guard. Why even agree to meet? What was the point of all of this? I didn't come here looking to reignite the fire necessarily, I came here because you were the best friend I ever had and I'm just trying to keep you in my life SOMEHOW.

 

The job didn't end up working out (of course it didn't, I took it for the wrong reasons), so 6 months after I left I was back home. We didn't speak again until about 9 months after the coffee shop debacle -- she wished me a happy birthday via Facebook.

 

That was the last contact we had, and it was over a year and a half ago. I haven't been in a successful relationship since we broke up, and to be honest, my fire, my passion -- it feels dead and gone. I used to be such a wild romantic, spontaneous, fun -- but that part of me feels like a void now, empty and desolate. I've broken at least a dozen hearts in the 3 years since this woman and I ended our relationship. It's been THREE YEARS. She haunts my mind like a disease. As soon as I go a few days, maybe a week without thinking about her, something in daily life will remind me of her and there she is again, right back in the front of my mind. My family still keeps in "arms-reach" contact with her and it's a very reasonable assumption that she hasn't had anything serious relationship-wise since either.

 

I finally got sick of it a few weeks ago and friend requested her again on Facebook. Again, like the coffee shop meeting, I was completely shocked when she accepted. I didn't know what to make of it. So I didn't do anything for about 2-3 weeks. I just let that sit for a little bit because it was a victory, however tiny.

 

Yesterday, I manned up and finally sent her a "Hey, how are you?" message. That's it. The little "Seen" indication popped up but I didn't receive any response. I didn't send anything else. Once again, she confuses the crap out of me. She'll accept my friend request, but she's still hesitant to talk to me? After all this time? Obviously you don't want me completely vaporized, but we have too much history to just "keep tabs" on each other and expect to be satisfied with that. I get the feeling if either of us gets involved with somebody serious, someone's heart is going to get cracked wide open again. I know mine will. Even if you just tell me to go away and never talk to me again, I hate you, at least I can say, "Well, I saw that one ALL the way through to the bitter end."

 

What the heck am I to make of this situation? What am I supposed to do? I wish I could just STOP THINKING ABOUT HER, about us, I've been praying, BEGGING God to TAKE IT AWAY, LET ME MOVE ON, but it won't go!

[and so it goes]

It (she) won't go away, because you are not letting it (her) go away. It's the ones that get away that haunt us, ironically. You should be writing poetry, I'm sensing you would be good at it.

[badfactory]

It (she) won't go away, because you are not letting it (her) go away. It's the ones that get away that haunt us, ironically. You should be writing poetry, I'm sensing you would be good at it.

 

Maybe you're right, but at this point I don't know what to do anymore. We just went 18 months NC, that ended with me breaking the silence by asking her that question yesterday. Any suggestions?

 

 

I appreciate the poetry comment

[sharky988]

Keep moving forward.

 

This ex only SEEMS so incredible to you because you haven't met someone you like enough since meeting her -- but you will. Big time.

 

In terms of what she's offering you friendship-wise and communication-wise? Nothing. You shouldn't really be Facebook friends and messaging is not a place she's willing to go with you. Take your licks and keep moving forward.

 

She was your first big deal love -- but BY NO MEANS is she your last.

 

Edit to add: here's a guide to help you with No Contact: link removed

[mhowe]

God gave you free will. Exercise it.

[badfactory]

In terms of what she's offering you friendship-wise and communication-wise? Nothing. You shouldn't really be Facebook friends and messaging is not a place she's willing to go with you. Take your licks and keep moving forward.

 

I agree -- I sent the friend request as kind of a "closure" move, really. I'll be honest, I was 95% sure she wasn't going to accept it and that was going to be the signal that this thing was dead. That's why I was so blown away when she DID. I still can't make that out.

 

You are correct, though, she was my first big time, adult love. Marriage stuff. And yes, every time I'd meet someone, they'd just never measure up. I'll never forget our first date -- we met for coffee at a Borders at 6 PM and it seemed like 30 seconds later they were telling us they were about to close and we had to leave (it was like 10:30 PM). I've been searching for the same chemistry ever since, and no one's even come close.

 

God gave you free will. Exercise it.

 

Hey, there's only so much one can take. After a long time passes with no contact, clearly being desired by other members of the opposite sex and just taking absolutely no interest in any of them (being numb to them), you start to really wonder if this one was THE one. You start to wonder what she's going through, if she has similar thoughts even after all this time. I suppose I could put myself out there a bit more -- try to make more time to be social, etc. -- but I feel I'm doing a decent job of that right now.

 

I dunno. I appreciate the helpful words nonetheless. Maybe this is something I'll have to carry for some indeterminate amount of time. I can function with something being wrong on my own; my biggest fear is someone I'm super compatible comes along and I can't muster up the romance, the fun. I've been numb there for so long now I've almost forgotten what it felt like.

[sharky988]

Meh. If your ex was so *perfect and amazing* she wouldn't have dumped you.

 

You can -- and WILL -- do much much better!

[badfactory]

Thought I'd post a little update: yesterday I thought about it for a few hours and decided that I wasn't necessarily desiring reconciliation or a reunion with her -- I just had some reflections on what happened in the end that, if I shared with her, would give me a catharsis about everything. My reasoning for sending the message to her was, hey, worst thing that can happen is what I've already gone the last 18 months doing, which is pretending she didn't exist. So I took my time and made sure I said everything I wanted to say to her and expected nothing in return, affirming that after this final message (said that a few times throughout), I would be open to talking with her, but would no longer be initiating contact of any type.

 

Of course, when you expect nothing, you are pleasantly surprised when that person basically acknowledges that you probably couldn't have sent a better message to them under the circumstances. The message "touched" her, although she still views me as "tainted" and still feels everything is "sort of closed" or "not easy to bring back to the surface" -- i.e. she does not currently have a desire to develop a friendship or communicate regularly. Which is fine with me. All I wanted was to get on the same page as far as what happened in the end, and I realized that was where a lot of my angst and so on was coming from. As soon as I sent the message, again expecting no response, it was like a piano off my chest. The pain started to evaporate.

 

I think a lot can be said for putting a mutual period on the end of things instead of it being lopsided, because I think the majority of the problems I was having came from the fact that I showed my proverbial ass in the aftermath of the relationship and basically betrayed her further during my emotional tempest. What I sent yesterday may not fix that perception in her, but I guess the best way to put how I feel is I don't really care about that anymore and it's not up to me to repair those things -- it's between her and God to fix that if she still has issues with it. I said the words, and that's all I could do at this point. And I feel, finally, at peace.

[Lambert]

I think you are still in denial. I agree you made some hasty moves in the aftermath of the break up but they stunted your healing not hers. Start by owning the fight that caused the break up. It's how you felt. Maybe she was supporting you to her family. Maybe you were right to be upset and maybe it wasn't your anger that scared her but the facts that made her realize she needed to let you go. For whatever reason she could not be what you needed.

 

Work on accepting how you feel and valuing yourself. She was not this perfect love.... she was a big love of your life but there will be others. You give her too much power. For a couple years now you've let her memory hold you back and you hurt other people.

 

It's not the closure you need. It's loving yourself more and working on what you think you lack that will heal you.

 

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[Lambert]

I meant maybe she WASN'T supporting you. I'm on my phone and can't edit my post. Sorry

 

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