Complicated break-up decision and the upcoming holiday.

[masaki1085]

This is a post I made on another advice forum, and I wanted to get as much advice as I can from a diverse amount of people. thereforeeee I am posting here as well.

 

I have been thinking for a couple weeks about breaking up with my girlfriend of 3 years, and I think I have made the decision to go through with it. There are some problems, though, and any advice would be wonderfully appreciated. Here's my story:

 

We both attend the same college, and we both live within 5 minutes of each other in our hometown. The semester just ended at our college, and she has gone home already; I stay here for a couple more days because of my job. Our schedules will be crazy throughout our winter breaks. From the 23rd through the 26th I will be out of state again visiting my family for Christmas. And then, while she is home for the entire 4 weeks of our winter break, I have to come back right after New Years (in about 2 weeks) to continue working my job at school. Right before I move back to school, she and I are attending a wedding on New Years Eve.

 

Essentially, the problem is that we will hardly be seeing each other over the break, because of that two week period we will be apart. And when we do see each other, it will be over the holiday season (not the most ideal time to end a relationship).

 

But, it also gets more complicated than this.

 

For Christmas, she wants me to make for her a little book of "sexual favor" vouchers, to spice up the romance in our relationship (to make it interesting and exciting). The way I feel right now, I really do not want to make this for her. Not only is it because I feel the way I do, but it is also a disservice to her if say I do give her this gift and then break up with her shortly after.

 

In a nutshell, I wanted to wait to break up with her following the winter break, when we begin our spring semester. This is because I do not wish to leave for her an emotional scar attached to the holiday season, and also because I do not want to break up with her over the phone when we are separated for those first weeks in January. However, the problem of getting her the gift mentioned above, which she is really hoping for, is that it leads to a false notion that everything in our relationship is fine.

 

Just to provide some background information about why I wish to break up, a couple weeks ago we got into a huge argument; mostly concerning politics (because we both have different political values and beliefs). We resolved the argument, but more and more I have been thinking about how different our morals and values are (and how they have changed in opposite directions through our relationship). There is also many double standards in our relationship, where I feel like I am giving and am never receiving, which I have communicated with her, but she never accepts it and makes my issues with her my own problems. I feel like I am taking a more active role in her life, but she never seems to want much of a role in mine. (If this area needs to explained further for better understanding, let me know, but I am not trying to get too deep into the nitty gritty). All in all, I'm just not happy anymore.

 

I know this is lengthy and complicated. I would appreciate any advice anyone has to offer. Thanks so much!

[fallslikerain]

hi, i'm sorry to hear that your having problems in your relationship and you feel there is a double standard.

 

Have you talked to her in detail as to what the problem is? Do you still have feelings for her? If you are only staying in the relationship because you do not want to "hurt" her or "surprise" her, although I feel that you are trying to be considerate, it is not in her best interest. All loving people should be loved in return, at least in theory. If you don't still care about her, or you feel the relationship is unsalvagable(and it takes 2 to repair a relationship, never try to keep someone who isn't trying to keep you)you should move on so she can too, and so you can both find someone to love again.

 

As to your question on timing, agreed breaking up with someone over holiday break might not be your best option, but you should weigh the pros and cons. Its probably not going to be easy on the both of you regardless of when it happens, however in the winter break you have a month for the two of you to calm down, as opposed to going in the school year when you are both on top of each other in your classes and schedules.

 

You do have a third option though, besides breaking up with her and talking to her about it, you can ask her if the two of you could take a break from each other(a temporary breakup, preferably of the no contact variety) this might help the two of you see the situation clearer and get a better understanding of what you want, it sounds like you feel unappreciated.

 

I hope for the best with you and your current situation

[Hope75]

Hi Masaki

 

I'm new here, but reading your situation I think the very best thing you can do for both you and your gf is to be honest with her and tell her as soon as possible.

 

As for leaving an emotional scar over the holidays, the 3 serious relationships I have had have all ended over the holidays, and yes, of course it hurts initially, but she will recover and you will not be helping her or yourself by dragging out the situation. I do not associate the holidays with my relationships ending, and I wouldn't worry too much about that for her.

 

Is there any time before you go out of state that you can meet for coffee or a walk so that you can tell her? I do think if at all possible after 3 years you should tell her to her face, but if that isn't possible a phone call may be the only other alternative.

 

I just think that from my perspective that if my boyfriend wanted to leave me and put it off for however how long it would just hurt more in the long run, and plus it can't be any fun for you to ave this hanging over your head either...

[Scout]

Hmmm...I understand your dilemma. This certainly isn't the ideal time for a break up. And it sounds like you've been feeling this way for some time - it would have been better if you had broken up with her earlier in the semester.

 

The reasons you are giving for wanting to break up with her seem like pretty valid ones to me. However, I want to make sure you aren't confusing opinions with values. Disagreeing on politics can certainly make for some heated debates, but you two have been together for three years...surely you have many inner beliefs and values in common to have lasted that long...right?

 

You know, every relationship hits rough patches. Maybe this relationship isn't meant to be, but are you absolutely sure that things can't be worked out between the two of you? Have you tried couples counseling? Most colleges have some kind of student counseling available, and this usually includes counseling for couples.

 

If you are absolutely certain that you don't want to continue a romantic relationship with her, well - I really don't know what to advise you. If you break up with her this close to Christmas, you will forever look like a jerk to her, I'm afraid. If you wait until after Christmas, she will still think you're a jerk - for exchanging presents & I love you's, etc. at Christmas, then breaking up with her afterwards.

 

You are caught between a rock and a hard place, my friend. You really should have addressed these concerns a long time ago, rather than right now, during the holidays. I know this doesn't help you now, but maybe you could keep it in mind for future situations like this.

 

I wouldn't make her the coupon book. If she asks why, just tell her you don't see how giving her something she asked you to give her puts the unexpected and spiciness back in your relationship. Another alternative is to say you felt that's a more appropriate gift for Valentine's Day, not on Christmas, a religious holiday.

 

I wish you luck in resolving this tough situation you're in. It does suck. Maybe some other people have insight they'd like to share - I'm not sure if my feedback was all that helpful. Sometimes, there's just not a cut and dried answer to a problem, though.

[ajk]

regarding this part of what you said: "There is also many double standards in our relationship, where I feel like I am giving and am never receiving, which I have communicated with her, but she never accepts it and makes my issues with her my own problems. I feel like I am taking a more active role in her life, but she never seems to want much of a role in mine. (If this area needs to explained further for better understanding, let me know, but I am not trying to get too deep into the nitty gritty). All in all, I'm just not happy anymore."

 

can you tell me what the nitty gritty is of you not thinking she wants an active role in your life? it seems like her wanting your sex life to spice up IS wanting more of an active role...more of a connection between you.

 

also, i am wondering about why you think she thinks your issues with her are your own problems. one, even though yes, people should ideally work through issues together and many do, ultimately, any issue you have with anyone IS your own 'problem' to deal with. SO many 'advice' counselors say this (dr. phil, etc.) and i truly believe it. for example, if i am upset by what someone doesn't do, maybe it is my expectation that is the problem. i am just trying to play devil's advocate because one, i don't think that feeling for three weeks like you should break up is justification for ending a three year relationship. it doesn't sound to me like you are giving it the consideration you should. that is a long time to throw away just like that, don't you think? i would love it if you would clarify some of these points for me by being more detailed, because i am not sure if my 'advice' is warranted...maybe you have communicated really honestly with her up until now, but it sounds like maybe in ways you haven't...and i think honest communication is super essential BEFORE you make a final decision about breaking up. otherwise, you are getting nowhere and are only harming both of you.

[ajk]

regarding this part of what you said: "There is also many double standards in our relationship, where I feel like I am giving and am never receiving, which I have communicated with her, but she never accepts it and makes my issues with her my own problems. I feel like I am taking a more active role in her life, but she never seems to want much of a role in mine. (If this area needs to explained further for better understanding, let me know, but I am not trying to get too deep into the nitty gritty). All in all, I'm just not happy anymore."

 

can you tell me what the nitty gritty is of you not thinking she wants an active role in your life? it seems like her wanting your sex life to spice up IS wanting more of an active role...more of a connection between you.

 

also, i am wondering about why you think she thinks your issues with her are your own problems. one, even though yes, people should ideally work through issues together and many do, ultimately, any issue you have with anyone IS your own 'problem' to deal with. SO many 'advice' counselors say this (dr. phil, etc.) and i truly believe it. for example, if i am upset by what someone doesn't do, maybe it is my expectation that is the problem. i am just trying to play devil's advocate because one, i don't think that feeling for three weeks like you should break up is justification for ending a three year relationship. it doesn't sound to me like you are giving it the consideration you should. that is a long time to throw away just like that, don't you think? i would love it if you would clarify some of these points for me by being more detailed, because i am not sure if my 'advice' is warranted...maybe you have communicated really honestly with her up until now, but it sounds like maybe in ways you haven't...and i think honest communication is super essential BEFORE you make a final decision about breaking up. otherwise, you are getting nowhere and are only harming both of you.

[masaki1085]

Where to begin... hmm.. (this is going to be a long post)

 

First I want to address your point you make about my sex life. One of the problems I think in my relationship is that we have sex too much, and we do not engage in any other kinds of activities. We do not do anything. When we hang out, usually I will go over to her house, hang out with her and her roommates for a couple of minutes, and then she suggests she and I go to her room. If we are alone, she will try and "seduce" me all of the time. We seem to never go out on dates, like go out to a restaurant or a movie. It is always straight to the bedroom. I have communicated how I felt about this once or twice. Many times, because we live in the same college town, she will hang out with her friends and I will set my own plans, and then she will still expect me to spend the night with her; and gets very upset if I choose not to. I have brought these issues to her attention on several occasions, and every single time it is interpreted as me calling her "obsessed with sex" or a "wh**e." (These are her words, not mine). Nothing has ever been resolved with this matter.

 

The double standards and my give and not receive role in our relationship has been happening for a long period of time, even before the incident I described in my prior post, which caused these break-up feelings to come to fruitation. To give an example, I will often visit and sleep over in her home, but she will not come visit me or spend the night in my home, and she will make excuses, like my bed is too small, or her car is blocked in. This scenario occurred last year when we both lived on campus. She lived in an on-campus apartment, while I lived in a dormitory, and I always made the walk over to her living quarters, similar to how I will always make the drive to her current residence. The language on the phone is never "let us get together." It is always, "when are you coming over?"

 

As I mentioned before, we never do anything like go out anymore. If I hoped to grab dinner with her, she will have already eaten with her roommates. If she has not eaten, she will ask if I bring her something to eat; however, she will not get up and go out with me.

 

Then there is our interests. She is heavily involved with dance, while I am heavily involved with karate and art. I will take an active role in her dancing interest, by going to her performances and every once so often her classes. She will never come visit me in the art studio or come visit my karate classes every once in a while. I have asked her once or twice to visit me in where I pursue my life's interests, and she will often be disinterested. Or she will consider me selfish for wanting these things. And perhaps it is selfish, but the reason I show my interest in her activities is because I care about her and the things that are meaningful in her life. I feel hurt when she does not take the effort to show interest in things that are meaningful in mine.

 

Now the above are example of minor things. Here are the major things.

 

Often during school we will get into brief periods where we are both ultra busy. She is a Dance Minor, and is heavily involved with performances at our college. Usually the week before a performance is stressful because she will have to be in rehearsals every day on top of finishing her school work. There will be little time for us to get together, which I am totally understanding of, and the brief time of not being able to spend time with each other is not a big deal. I do not make a big deal about it, even though I may miss seeing her and I may be upset with her for not making time for us. To me, it is more important that her work gets done first. On the other hand, I am an art major, so there will be often times that I will have to spend long hours in the studio to get assignments done, often resulting in my being busy, and the reverse scenario occurs; I will not be able to see her. And usually during these times is when she finds something to be mad at me about, which is usually something inconsequential or is about my being busy and not being able to get together with her. I have communicated to her about this problem in the past, and it keeps occurring. It will either happen through an argument or through her simply guilting me into feeling I've done something wrong by trying to get my school work done.

 

And then there is politics. We differ politically, which was never a large issue until this past election. This is how the incident several weeks ago came up that sparked my feelings of wanting to break up. We both feel pretty strong about our opposing political views. Throughout the course of the election, we often teased each other with our groups of friends, often to extremes of poor taste. For example, during Halloween (a big party time at my college) she was handing out condoms that said "F**k Bush, Vote Kerry." She handed these to my friends and I, and I should not say we were totally offended on a personal level, but we did not really care for the gesture either. ISo in the same teasing spirit, I teased her back, and I did this by showing her a video that I shot while fooling around shooting an art project, where my friends made a gesture directed towards her while criticizing democratic political beliefs. And she took this message EXTREMELY personally, saying that I was totally undermining everything that she's ever believed in.

 

Now, I admitted fault to the video because it may have taken the teasing to a more personal level. This was something I should not have done to someone I am in love with. However, the video incident also makes me think that there is a double standard in this as well. She would have no problem with going off about how much she disagreed and hated certain republicans, and believe me, she does all of the time. And I sit and take it, and honestly, I don't care because I feel that many times politics can just be ridiculous. On the other hand, if I were to badmouth what I thought of the democratic campaign and their beliefs, I would catch hell for it.

 

Soon after the incident above, after we had talked about how we felt regarding our political problems, we got into a discussion about the Bible. She knows that I grew up believing in the Bible as my holy text. To an extent, she did as well, but she questions its authenticity. When making a point, she said in front of me in verbatim, "The Bible is bulls**t." Now I am not the most religious man on the face of the earth, but I did get offended by this comment. And when I told her that I was offended, she did not really want to accept that I was offended, insisting that "you really do not believe in that, do you?" Now it is not to say that I do not respect her opinion over the matter. I do. However, the way of expressing her feelings towards something I hold more dear than her could have been way more respectful of my beliefs. In the end, she felt it was "my choice" for being offended at what she said.

 

If this is true, was it "her choice" that she got offended by the video I showed her?

 

The above is just examples of the "nitty gritty." I hope they are clear enough to understand, because it is getting pretty late as I write this. Believe me, I have considered that I may not have been as communicative with her about these things. Typically she is more talkative than me, and I tend to be a very shy person. The problem is I am made to feel as if I am wrong about the things I feel above when I do communicate with her, which is what makes it more difficult to communicate. I have also considered the notion that I have already communicated with her how I have felt, and I have done this for years, and now I'm tired of having the communication go nowhere.

 

Anyways, this was a pretty big post, wasn't it? I hope it makes sense (if it doesn't, just ask me to clarify certain things). I also just wanted to express my appreciation for everyone who has responded to my initial post. Thanks for taking the time to read and respond.

[Tryingtobestrong]

Dear Masaki,

 

I agree that you are right now not happy in your relationship, and I think you should tell your girlfriend everything you told us and probably more. If you feel that she would not listen to you, or negate what you said, send her a letter.

 

Tell her in the letter that because of the following you feel that you guys should not be together anymore. You would like to know what she thinks about it.

 

When she contacts you to talk about it, listen to what she has to say. If she says she is really sorry, she realises you are right, she is going to change,.... then I would recommend you tell her that you want a break of each other for about a month or so, in which you dont talk, but both think about your relationship individually.

 

Then after the month you meet and talk again. If you realised that you missed her and would like to work on things, and she feels the same way, then I would recommend couple counselling.

 

I think you should not just dump her without giving her one last chance, unless you feel like you have given her lots of chances already. Chances she was aware of, not a timeframe you set in your mind.

 

To be honest, it sounds to me like you are mostly hurt by her behaviour, and not that you dont love her anymore. If you still care about her, and she about you, maybe you can save this relationship.

 

I think you should talk to her/send her that letter asap. Dont give her those vouchers for Christmas, no matter what you do. If she asks why, use Scout's explanation. In any event, dont tell her anymore that you love her, that you are happy with her and that you have a long, happy future together.

 

My guy did that to me up to the day he broke up, even though he was already looking for an apartment for a while. In retrospect it really hurts that he was lying to me for a long time. Instead of telling me what's up he pretented that everything was fine. Don' t do that.

 

Good luck with everything. Hope things turn out the way you want.

[ajk]

masaki, thanks for going into all the detail. now i can understand more.

about her expectations for sex, do you go along with her pressuring you more than you want? perhaps it is best to try not giving in, so she will take your concerns seriously. then maybe she will realize why it's important for you to go on dates, etc. "dating" is also something that helps two people, no matter how long they are together, still know each other.

there are many couples who are happy even though they have political differences. it is important that both of you respect each others' beliefs. right now you are not doing this. i do think the video was too much, especially involving your friends makinga gesture toward her--it took it to a personal level and you have to accept her reaction.

one thing that's important is to not focus on problems in a relationship--you send more negative energy to them that way, and the problem will continue and intensify. take the focus off of what bothers you--don't stew about it, look for the good in it, and see if things change.

i agree-don't give her the book. but i would not use the valentine's day excuse because it will only make her think you are going to and regardless, still goes against what you want for the relationship. you want more dates, not a spicier sex life. at least that's where your focus is now (on dates), whether or not a spicier sex life is something you would appreciate with her later. you shouldn't lie to her about it. just say it's not the present you want to give her. it sounds like you want more 'heart' in the relationship....tell her that if that's how you feel.

 

i would not say that you feel you shouldn't be together anymore. it's suggesting that you aren't going to work on it; she may react badly and the three year relationship may turn into something you both regret. tell her your needs. don't use the letter to criticize her. give her the opportunity to meet your needs, but remember that it doesn't happen overnight.

[ajk]

also about your needing time to do your art projects, this is a typical male/female difference...(i am female and continuously find myself 'not understanding' why my bf doesn't have more time for me). maybe explain that to her.

again, take the focus off of complaining about it or being bothered by it.

realize that she just wants to spend time with you, but still, don't give in to that. get your projects done.

also, take the focus off of being bothered by her not coming to see you do karate, etc. maybe she will show up at something when you don't always do what she wants by going to her stuff. maybe in a sense she is spoiled and gets her way a lot, or she is trying to be. don't make it a power play or a game, but just see if she changes based on your actions. sometimes shifting actions and not "talking through things" are the best way to make change in a relationship.

i think you need to take this time (several months) to see if that produces results. only then will you know how you both feel about each other, when you are back to seeing why you were attracted to each other and how good the relationship can be.

[Scout]

I think that Tryingtobestrong's suggestion was good, except I personally would avoid the month break thing. I would send her the letter or verbally tell her everything you told us, and then suggest couples counseling at this point, because you feel you two are at the threshold of a permanent break up.

[masaki1085]

Thanks again for the quick responses. I know the last post was pretty lengthy.

 

Another large concern of mine, which is why I am feeling the way I do, is that largely I have not felt happy in the past couple months. I suppose that's normal with all I described above.

 

But one thing that concerns me, and kind of scares me, is how I feel about her currently. Many people have responded to me mentioning that it does not sound like I no longer love her. This might be true, but this is a confusing part, because I am not sure if I feel love for her, at least in the same way that it existed towards the beginning of our relationship.

 

Towards the beginnings of our relationship, we shared many more things in common, such as common beliefs and values. Obviously, the things I mentioned in my last post were not happening. As the years passed, it feels as if we have both changed in opposing directions. We have never really grown together (which is why I have been feeling that going on dates should be more important in our relationship). The election especially polarized our differences because we hung around people who shared our particular political beliefs when not with each other.

 

My dilemma is that I feel that we have become so different. So when I go through my head about the pros and cons of our relationship, I have a hard time coming up with a pro. I will think, "I am mad at this and I am mad at that, but I love her....but why do I love her?"

 

My roommate, a good friend of mine, made a comment to me the other night that in the past months of being in school, about 95% of the things I said about her were complaints about our relationship.

 

Are these signs? That I cannot find pros?

 

My current girlfriend is actually my first girlfriend. She was the first girl that I was intimate with (and vice versa with her). There are a lot of "firsts" in this relationship, and I am afraid the love that exists between us is more about attachment than anything else. But I'm not sure.

[ajk]

try very, very hard to stop yourself from complaining and looking for things to complain about. you are generating so much negativity toward the relationship by doing that. it will just hurt both of you.

you don't want a bad breakup if it ends up moving toward that.

if you can't find pros it is because you are not tapping in to the reasons you loved her to begin with. look for those things...they are still there in her and in you.

just advice, but remember that if you don't try that in this relationship, you will have a much harder time trying it in another one...

you have to stop your negative patterns first. they will follow you to every relationship you have!