MutedMercury Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 Hi everyone, I am writing here to get some opinions and advise on my current issue with my dear friend, which is also my ex boyfriend as well... Long story short, we have been together nearly two years, on and off, more than 2 years ago. Since the break up I had another boyfriend with I am no longer with... I am usually against of staying 'friends' with exes, for many valid reasons, but he has always been very special to me, he always treated me with respect, is genuine, honest and I value him as a person, he always been there for me when I needed help, or been at my lowest. I moved on and don't have any desire for reconciliation also don't feel sexually attracted to him. After such a long time I think the true friendship is possible... That being said.. I have noticed the change in his behaviour lately, he recently turned 40, and I think he is freaking out a bit.. He told my he is unhappy.. He said he is "friend-lonely", which is kinda weird because he has lot of friends... Although his two best mates didn't come to his bday and don't make any effort to meet up.. he is leaving abroad soon, for couple of months (work), but will be coming back for weekends. He works for the same company for over 10 years now and I think he is bored with his job.. He doesn't complain about not seeing anyone, he said he isn't interested in relationship as he can't be bothered with dating..he didn't have anybody since our break up, I know girls like him but he always is too picky or not attracted to or just not interested... Which is a shame coz he is a wonderful guy.. So lately he appears extremely moody, miserable, unhappy, sensitive and every time I see him I end up feeling down and sad. He is very serious about his health, exercise, his look, sleeping patterns etc.. and sometimes he come up with some strange ideas, such a starting an extreme sport classes... I'm trying to be a supportive friend, always listening,Sometimes cooking dinner for him or asking him out to do smthg but he just doesn't treat me nicely lately.. For example, a week ago I came over to use a gym in his building, I had plans to go out with friends but he was so miserable that I cancelled and stayed with him, I went to the shop, cooked dinner and we were watching movie, he was extremely moody that night, he was complaining all evening and I felt like walking on egg shells entire time. He said it was my fault as I started to laugh at his plans of starting gymnastics classes, I didn't mean to but I couldn't resist, I thought it was very funny, he said I'm trying to belittle him and Im cold, direct, blunt. he apologised next day saying that his SIL did the same thing... He mentioned again that he needs all friends he has right now. Another time.. He invited me to the gym and for dinner... When I came over he was really into watching some political debate on tv, he said it's another 10 min and asked to not talk. Half an hour later he was still watching It and said he is not going to work out he will watch it till the end, so I left alone. When I came back his flatmate was there, but my friend was still kinda ignoring me, texting someone or watching tv. We made plans to go to the cinema on Sunday, I invited his flatmate to join us, but then he denied we made arrangements, saying he didn't remembered. (Indeed he has problems with remembering things, it's probably because he smokes weed every day). At this point I felt ignored & unwelcome, so I thank him for dinner and left. He called me few min later, giving me attitude, shouting at me that I made a scene. Then texted me shortly afterwards saying that he was sorry for raising voice. I left home almost in tears.. I don't know how to deal with him anymore.. He seems so sensitive and saying nasty things to me.. I'm trying to help him, be there for him, but not being too pushy ( I see him once max twice per week, often he incite it). Perhaps I should just leave him alone and let him be for a while? I feel like he is taking his anger on me for some reason. I feel that I don't deserve to be treated this way but on the other hand dont want to loose a friendship. Is it a midlife crisis? Has anyone been in similar situation? please give me some advise. Thank you. Link to comment
icecreamaddict Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 Your entire friendship sounds weird.... I don't cook dinner for my friends when they are sad. Regardless, I'd say give him some space. If you feel that he is treating you badly and you aren't getting anything out of the friendship, why be his friend? Link to comment
MutedMercury Posted March 27, 2014 Author Share Posted March 27, 2014 He was helping me out a year ago, when I was going through a very difficult period in my life... I will never forget that, so I'm not going to give up on him so easily... I think you're right about giving him space... Link to comment
icecreamaddict Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 It doesn't mean you have to give up. But just tell him I don't like how you have been treating me lately it makes me feel ^insert feeling here^. I'll be here for you as a friend if you need help but not if my feelings keep getting hurt. It might be a good idea to wait for him to ask you for help. Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 He's going through something and depression could be an issue, but it still doesn't give him a right to treat you like crap. Tell him that and then move on and start hanging with other friends. Unless he wants to change his life and do something about it there's not a whole lot else you can do except tell him what you see and that it makes you feel crappy and you won't be putting up with it. He sounds like he's sort of fallen into the habit of taking you for granted and just thinks you should be okay with whatever he does or wants. And that's not a healthy relationship or friendship either one. Tell him how it makes you feel, stop doing things for the guy, if you come over and he doesn't want to go do something or treats you rudely then leave and tell him you won't be back again until he can learn to keep his word. People do treat you the way you let them and I have plenty of friends with issues who don't use it as an excuse to treat me badly. Link to comment
londonbridge Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 It's typical for people to use family and close friends as punching bags. He's trying to avoid facing his problems head on, and is using you as the scapegoat to blame for his own personal issues. It's scarier to face the miserable truth about yourself, and easier to blame others. No matter what you do or say to "help", at the end, only he can help himself. Get out of that toxic environment and don't blame yourself for HIS problems. Tell him that you're there for him if he needs you, but make sure you set boundaries otherwise you are goin' to get walked all over like a dirty doormat. He says nasty things to you because he knows that he can get away with it, he knows you'll be right there the next day to continue taking the insults. It's wrong for him to do this, but at the same time, you're the one that's allowing him to treat you in such a way. Feeling empathy or pity for him should not trump having value and dignity for yourself. Link to comment
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