My wife cheated on me…again. Should I move on?

[egram2001]

Hello Everyone,

 

My wife cheated on me…again. Well, actually, it's the first time she's cheated since we got married. I'll start from the beginning. When we met she was 17 years old with two children and I was 20 years old with one. My child has never lived with us. Anyway, almost 12 years have pasted since we first met. We now have two biological children, and have been married a little over one year. I really love my wife. Before we got married, she cheated on me at least six times - officially. I say "officially" because she agrees with that number, but there have actually been eight affairs. I forgave her for those incidents because I cheated on her about two times myself. The good thing about us is we tell each other everything. I have not cheated since we've been married. In fact, I haven't even thought about it. That's why I was so surprised when she told me she cheated last week. It hit me like a ton of bricks. She claims she did it because I yelled at her and made her feel bad. She said that after I exploded and told her all these negative things about herself she hated me and wanted me to move out. For the first time in our relationship, she asked me to get the hell out – and she was serious. To make a long story short, I can't leave because I love her too much. Now that she's calmed down, and had an extramarital affair, she says she wants to work things out with me. Sounds like the problem's solved, right? Not so fast, it's not over. She only slept with this guy one time, but she talked to him for about three days over the phone. Now she says she likes him more than me. She told me that his love making is as good or better than mine, and that if we don't work out she's going to try and make it work with him. Did I mention he's only 18 years old! He's ten years younger than her - skinny, ugly, and broke. I have a professional career, look great, and I have two college degrees. Plus, I give her anything she wants. My question for you good people is should I move on or just try to get over it like always, and do you think it's over between her and this little Gremlin looking guy she cheated with. Thanks in advance for your advice.

[JonnyG]

I would definitely say leave her. She seems to be cheating left, right and centre. At least since u got married u have been going straight. If u are good looking, clever, got a good job, treat her well and she still cheats, then it doesnt look like u can please the woman.

 

Anyway, its just my opinion. I hate people devorcing ( it happens all too much these days) and its much better to try to work things out, but in this case it looks like your going to have to keep working things out in the future.

[avman]

Oh brother. It sounds to me like your relationship is a disaster. There appears to be absolutely no trust or committment from either one of you so its no wonder that things aren't working out. You've both cheated. And it doesn't sound like she's made up her mind whether she still even wants you or not.

 

I'd end this thing in a hurry. I think its a very bad idea for the kids to be stuck in the middle of this. In 12 years she's cheated 8 times? That doesn't sound to me like she's got any intention of remaining faithful to you.

 

The good thing about us is we tell each other everything

I hate to say this, but I don't believe it. If she's cheated 6 times that she admits and yet there are 2 more that you know about then she isn't telling you everything. What else is there that she hasn't told you?

 

Time for you to get some self-respect and get out. If this had been the only cheating episode I'd say get some counseling and try and save it. But just from the little bit you have posted I don't think there is much to save.

[sisterlynch]

This is definitely a tough case, a lot of children involved. You probably have grown attached to her children -- she has a sexual problem, you seem to have an anger problem. It is going to take some mending and growing up on both sides. You really don't want her to end up with some 18 year old, do you? Both of you need help! If she wont go, then you need to get it yourself.

[baddasslegend92]

WOW!!!Man I think you should kick her to the curb and move on.How can your wife cheat on you and then tell you he was better.That must of been hard to swallow.Better yet,have some fun and go get you a woman and cheat on her and tell her what she told you and see how it makes her feel.Damn the nerves of her.

[ShuShu Fontana]

She "likes him better than" you? What is she, 12? This is a MARRIAGE, not a crush. I love it whenpeople get married wihtout any thoughts given to the vows they're taking. She cheated because you yelled at her and made her feel bad? How completely immature. Is she an adult? She was never ready to be in a relationship let alone a marriage.

 

Have some self-respect and end it. I would NEVER stay with someone who cheated on me. She has respect for you and knows you'll just sit there and take it. Is this the kind of life you really want? I don't care how many children are involved, it's bad news to stay with someone who is going to continue to cheat on you. Why did you marry her knowing she had cheated on you? And why did you cheat on her? bad news all around. Find someone new and don't cheat on them. I think that's a good start.

[DragonGirl724]

"To make a long story short, I can't leave because I love her too much."

 

dude, you are a floor mat!! she knows she can get away w/ murder with you! so being the creep she is she will take advantage of that!! you deserve so much better!! what would u say to one of your kids if they were older & in this situation?? you'd say leave!!! you have major self esteem issues, probably a lot brought upon by her but u have them none the less & u feel like you have to tolerate this for watever reason. you cant find anyone else, you dont deserve better treatement...what ever the case may be! u need to realize raising children in this kind of envioronment is UTTERLY DISCUSTING & UNHEALTHY!!! take the kids & leave! dont get pissed at me but she is a coniving SL** if you ask me. her behavior is discusting!! she does not love you. its crazy but people say 'treat others the way you want to be treated.' but in reality 'people treat you the way you let them treat you.' dont tolerate this crap! leave, run, & never think twice of coming back!

 

-DG724

[Day_Walker]

Well the cheating on you 6-8 times should have been a clue before you even got married. I think you need to step back and realize that you married an immature, impulsive woman. There is no use in reasoning with her. You need to get yourself out of this situation immediately.

[sisterlynch]

He doesn't have to take the abuse that you ladies are giving him or that his wife is giving him if he is able to go to the therapist and admit the truth -- that is what he needs to do. He needs to get it overwith and quit blaming her and her 18 yr old beau. He needs to observe how he goes about his life and what he does that is abusive directly and indirectly.

 

Leaving her isn't going to solve it---how many kids do you count? 5?

 

What is she going to do with all those kids and an 18 year old guy?

 

Does anyone see how illogical this story is??

[tenn22]

Have you guys separated before? Maybe you should see if she'll go to counselling? So basically she's cheated on you 7 or so times, thats a lot....once is a lot......I would say she loves you but doesn't respect you and the bonds of marriage. What else is going on in you marriage that may have caused this to happen? Look at all angles...and God Bless! Hopefully everything works out for you guys, one way or another.

[tiger_lilies]

OMG! What a huge mess! I can't even begin to imagine what kind of pain you and your family are going through.

 

I agree 100% with all the other posters. I know it will not be easy to just pick up and leave...but perhaps seperation is the first step towards some sort of sanity in your life.

[avman]

Leaving her isn't going to solve it---how many kids do you count? 5?

 

What is she going to do with all those kids and an 18 year old guy?

 

Nobody said anything about leaving the kids behind. We said to leave HER behind.

 

He needs to observe how he goes about his life and what he does that is abusive directly and indirectly.

 

What abuse? There is no mention of abuse in his post.

[baddasslegend92]

yeah man, Its not that much love in the world, I would take the kids n split.

[cleverme123]

Introducing other people into your marriage always causes problems. If someone does it more than once and knows they can get away with it they will continually do it. Sounds to me like she is addicted to sex, or is attention starved to the point that she seeks for something she feels she can not get from you.

 

Maybe she is telling wild stories to the other men and they are feeling sorry for her and preying on vulnerability. I would suggest you take her to a counselor and put the cards on the table. If you do not stop this will happen....

 

Give her reasonable time to decide what she wants, and if she is simply looking for the bigger better deal, it will become clear.

 

Downfall to this is that some point she will realize that there is no such thing and fall completely on her face and come begging to you asking for forgiveness, then it's a matter of will she change and be faithful or not.

[bzborow1]

I agree it's a tough situation for you, but the best thing for the children is to have HAPPY parents who love, respect, and care about and for them. Under these circumstances, with all the cheating she has done this is clearly not ideal conditions FOR THE KIDS. I would agree that perhaps if she cheated once you should seek counselling as a means to save this relationship, but someone who has cheated at least 6 times, and with a child?

 

Ultimately you will have to come to terms with the situation, and her, because of the children, but that doesn't mean you should accept this. If I were you I would be kicking HER out, telling her to go live somewhere else. No way on earth can she cheat on you and then tell you to "get the hell out of house". Honestly, you gotta stop being her doormat, have some respect for yourself, and stand up for yourself. Don't allow her to blame you for ALL the cheating. Also I would refrain from arguing and carrying this stuff out in front of the kids.

 

Give her reasonable time to decide what she wants, and if she is simply looking for the bigger better deal, it will become clear.

 

What on earth makes this HER decision? If she was really sorry she'd be begging for your forgiveness! And by NOT standing up for yourself you are not giving her any reason NOT to continue doing what she's doing. What she did to you AND YOUR FAMILY is the ultimate disrespect...

[RayKay]

Oh My. Well I can't add much that the other posters have not, so I will just say this is a very very very negative relationship with lots of immaturity and dishonesty. There is a lot of infedility on both sides (past and present...and I guarantee future at this rate). Yes there are children involved, but trust me, kids learn by what they see and feel...and this is not a happy, nourishing situation for them.

 

Leave. Don't cheat on anyone else in the future. And don't let a partner walk all over you either.

 

This is NOT normal relationship behaviour. And she is immature..maybe you have changed but she clearly has not. Walk away.

[boomer1619]

Y-E-S

[ggm]

Your kids...you have GOT TO THINK OF YOUR KIDS.

We teach our children by example. You and your wife are giving them an example of a terrible marriage. If you aren't strong enough to end this hell you are living on your own..remember you are ending it for the sake of those children.

If you are what you say you are (good looking, educated, etc) you will meet someone who will give you a great life. Take advantage of that.

Life is too short to spend it living like you are. GOOD LUCK!!!

[sisterlynch]

In the long run it takes more courage to make a boring relationship work than it does to leave a bad relationship. Sorry, you can't just leave the mother of your children or someone that you have loved, that part of the person will always be with him. He will always love her. No matter what!!

[tenn22]

I agree, You HAVE to think of your kids. This will affect them in many many ways.......if you stay with her, and there is a lack of trust there, they will grow up not being able to trust their partners in future relationships. I would get family counselling! God Bless!

[miracle29]

egram, the answers you seek are spelled out right in front of you. You already know what you have to do. Its not the cheating so much that has upset me as much as the abuse and verbal put downs this calus childish fool of a woman you are with is doing. She is putting you through so much crap, for no reason. Even if you cheated on her and she is simply trying to pay you back, that still shows a character in her that I'd just as soon do without. She is so spiteful and so immature. Why tell you how good he is in bed? Why even put that in your head? I'm sorry but it seems to me that her mentality is not too far from the 18 yr old she is messing with. Let this woman go. She's has no scruples, no moral, she is bringing you down. Even if you cheated first, at this point there is no way for reconstruction, there is only destruction. This is over, you and her have nothing left but the kids. Take care of them, i was told by a very close family member that some children indeed can help you deal when you are sad and heart broken, so focus on them and let this floozy go. The 18 yr old will soon dump her, and find a woman he really wants and she will try to come crawling back, at that point i'd suggest changing the locks.

 

 

The more you take from her, the more she will put you through. Keep in mind that she may have you confused with a doormat tell her "Door Mats are at Wal-Mart on sale" if you want something to step on , i'd suggest you go buy one"!!! I wish you luck and strength. She has broken any trust that could possibly be salvaged. Any woman with sense knows "EVEN IF ITS TRUE" you never tell a man he was less than another man in bed. Big NO NO. I'm so sorry that she has done this too you, this damage may last with you for a long time.