Feeling Foolish

[akrngrl]

I'm in a weird position where something that didn't really have a chance ended yesterday and I'm way more distraught than I have ever been about a LTR ending. We were fantastic friends, but didn't think either liked each other in a more than friends capacity. He invited me out on V-Day to a bar with some friends which is where he finally made the confession and it was like a whirlwind from there. He was leaving for tour at the end of the week so we spent as much time together as we could because we were "making up for the time we were both being dumb". He said we were "dating" and how happy he was that things finally had fallen into place.

 

3 weeks into to a 7 week tour and it was fine up until a few days ago. He texted me when he could, said he missed me, wished he wasn't so far away, that all he wanted to do was make me happy, that he genuinely cared about me, etc. He put in WAY more effort to fool me into thinking things were great and progressing than any normal guy who left for weeks would ever do (I thought). We were talking about places we'd like to live (casually, not together) and I made mention of how I just wanted to live with someone that I would always want to hang out with and do fun things with and he came back with "I guesss I kindaaa like you and wouldn't mind doing those things with you sometimesss, or whatever.." and I called him out on it and he was like "Can't let you know how much I really like you"

 

Past few days were lack of texts and him not really making the effort to talk about my life after we discussed his stuff. So I asked him about it Friday and he wrote novels of text about how he doesn't know where his life is going to be in a month (He comes home for 2 weeks in April and then is going to Europe for three weeks, ending tour mid May) and that everything is up in the air. He had to drive so we agreed to talk later.

 

Yesterday he texted me and I called him. I was frustrated that I was "waiting for him" by not dating other people, but I didn't know if we were on the same page still. He kept saying "I'm not the type of guy to tell you what to do (when I asked about dating other people)"/ "I can't ask you to wait for me because I'm the one that left"/ "It's not fair to you if I say wait and then I come home and I move". Then he dropped the bomb that the first week he was home he wouldn't really be home because he'd be down in Virginia with friends looking at apartments and the colleges there because he was trying to move and that he got offers for other tours that he was going to look into and basically more of the "I don't know where my life is going so I can't give you an answer".

 

What kills me is the fact that he got the offer to stay with friends and look at places to live the first week of tour. The second week I joked with him about working the second week he was home because I was off the first week and he was like "Yeah I could do that". This whole time he's had some sort of heads up about this and he NEVER told me a thing. He kept up with the texts of wanting to make me happy and all the mushy things all while he knew these changes were going on. As a friend, as someone I was dating, he said nothing.

 

He's 27 and he "quit" his 9-5 job of six years to pursue this because it's what he's always wanted to do. He's not in the band, he manages it. I feel like I was good enough when he was home and had to go to a job he hated, but now that he got the opportunity to live his life I'm out of the picture.

 

I have been utterly distraught because he "pursued me for so long" (his words) and everything seemed to be going perfectly. WHY say all those things when you knew what was really going on? I feel like the biggest idiot for falling for him so hard because he's not even phased and I now am dealing with the worst heartache/break I can remember, ever. He's obviously not that into me, but good lord he played the cards right, because it REALLY felt like he was.

 

Sorry I just needed to vent.

[catfeeder]

When did he say that he's done with you and doesn't want to see you again?

 

I missed the big breakup here.

 

Head high.

[lavenderdove]

>>I feel like I was good enough when he was home and had to go to a job he hated, but now that he got the opportunity to live his life I'm out of the picture.

 

Well, sadly I think that is the truth. The other possibility is that he was always attracted to you and wondered what it would be like to sleep with you, but didn't want a relationship really. So he waits until he KNOWS he has a built in exit plan, then he just satisfies his little craving before he leaves and hopes you'll buy this whole routine that he never intended to eat and run so to speak.

 

The other possibility is that he got into this tour and realized that managing a band was WAY more fun than a full time job that tied him down. Lots of boys fall in love with the whole music scene, though it is ridiculously unstable. He may be having fun now, but unless his band becomes really successful, they could all be working at Burger King before you know it and very few bands actually 'make it' in a way that it turns into a full time permanent profession. So he's 'living the dream' right now which can be very seductive and fun while it is happening (i.e., groupies, girls throwing themselves at the band and him), but the odds of that lasting are slim. But he's decided he's going to go for it, and you get left behind because you're the 'traditional' route as opposed the fun, drugs, girls, whoopee i'm with the band route.

 

And if he's already told you he'll probably move to Virginia, i'd just write him off at this point. No more wrapping yourself around the axle for him. He's basically told you that if all his other (better) offers for tours or Virginia or moving fall thru then maybe he'll be back... that's just not good enough not enough interest for you to warrant continuing to stay in contact with him.

[lavenderdove]

btw, I find the 'I don't know where my life is going' routine so tiresome and annoying when people use that excuse. People's lives can go in any direction they want it to, and their choices determine the direction! He's acting like he has no choice in the matter and must just drift along wherever SOMEONE ELSE or SOMETHING ELSE takes him, when the reality is he's at the helm making the choices where he wants to go and what he wants to do.

 

So he's wimping out from acknowledging that all his CHOICES right now don't involve you! They involve drifting around with this band or that, or moving to another state, or going to college somewhere else or whatever with no attempts at all to include you in that picture. He could just as easily choose to come back to where you are, have a relationship with you, go to college where you live, etc. He's choosing everything BUT that, and making like he has no control over what happens. He has 100% control, and he's not choosing you! That's the reality.

 

Here's what I'd do. I'd smack him upside the head with a little reality. I'd tell him, look, it is your choice to go anywhere you want to go and to do anything you want to do but obviously you have decided that working on a relationship with me is not your priority or a fun enough thought for you to choose it above these other things you are chasing. So go ahead, chase them, I wish you the best of luck, but I'm moving on because you are choosing something else other than me. Tell him 'you have 100% control over where you go and what you choose to do, and you're not choosing me and I know it so let's not pretend you don't know where your life is going! That's the reality. So don't bother trying to string me along, or give me lame excuses why you're no longer investing in me or this relationship, just go off and do your own thing and have fun and let me be."

 

Then be done with him, no contact!

[lavenderdove]

btw, don't feel foolish. You made the best choices you could based on what he was telling you, and of course you had no clue he was going to both bolt and wimp out. So hold your head high! You did nothing wrong, and he's the cowardly welcher here, trying to hide behind the lame 'I don't know where my live is going' nonsense. Now you know exactly what he's about, getting you all lathered up when he knew full well he was heading off with no intent to return, so now it is your turn to blow him off and do it with firm resolve now that you know what he's about.

[akrngrl]

Thank you, that's exactly how I feel. To me if he really liked me as much as he made it seem it should have been more along the lines of "I don't know where my life is going to end up, but I want you to be a part of it". It just hurts that he didn't have the decency to tell me that all of this was going on and fed me all the things I wanted to hear.

 

I feel like he also wouldn't give me a straight answer because in case it doesn't work out for some reason with him leaving he has me to fall back on/he's got someone to hook up with while he's home. I stupidly made a mention of seeing him still when he came home in April when we talked and he was like "Yeah, of course, I have some jobs during the day and I'm in Virginia, but we can hang out". But now I don't even really want to because I doubt I could go back to being friends/I think he may have just said that to say it because he hasn't texted me at all since we talked yesterday morning.

 

I need to cut him out of my life. It's just hard because not only did I lose someone I really really cared about for the first time in a long time, I lost an extremely good friend too.

 

I have already agreed with myself NOT to initiate contact, but I almost hope he texts me so I can tell him what you suggested because I was far too nice and understanding on the phone yesterday because I was so shocked at everything he was saying and where it was coming from.

 

Thank you for mentioning that last part. I was sitting here kicking myself for jumping into for the week we had, but we were both on the same page at the time and we were going to make it work.

[lavenderdove]

The fact that he told you nothing of his plans is all about him and not you... I hope you get ANGRY that he misled you because frankly he did. Don't be hurt, get mad, because what he did was wrong.

 

And lots of people who are selfish try to keep you on a back burner for when they're in the mood for you. They'll talk a good game to get you on the hook, then suddenly you find yourself shunted aside when he has other fish to fry. So you'll hear from them when it suits their purposes, but they're not willing to commit to a real relationship or being there for you on a permanent basis. So he probably DOES want to hook up with you when he's back home because that is fun and gives him something do to and sexual variety, but it doesn't mean he wants to be in a relationship with you. So definitely don't see him when he comes home. there's nothing in that for you!

 

My suggestion is that you absolutely do not contact him at all. And if/when he contacts you, then you immediately give him that speech I wrote above, where you tell him sorry, you've made your choice and it's not me, so you don't get to see me or be with me at all!

 

The second someone gives me that lukewarm "Sure, we can hang out" speech that denigrates you to the level of being a buddy or FWB, I'm done! If he can't do better than that, you're not interested! The sad thing is there are so many people who are more than willing to try to use you for a little FWB sex after they dump you, but really, there's nothing at all in this relationship for you right now so why waste your time? Let him go have sex with one of the groupies if that's all he wants!

[lavenderdove]

One final comment on this: I lost someone I really loved kind of like this too. And I was devastated because we'd been best friends for years before the romance so it was hard for me to end it, but I realized that who needs a friend who'd do that to me! There was a higher standard of care there because there is a long history and more to risk, and if he's stupid enough to treat you with so little thought or to assume that he can run roughshod over you and your heart and you'll just forget it and go back to acting like nothing happened at all, then he's stone stupid and wrong.

 

So you can do better in terms of both friends AND in terms of a BF. He showed a serious selfishness and serious disregard for your feelings and heart the second he hopped into bed with you and started lying about/covering up his intentions and plans. That's just not a good friend, so better to be done with him.

[akrngrl]

Ugh, thank you! This has made me feel SO much better! I can't fault him for the change in plans/I'm sure tour is the crazy experience he wanted, but I am faulting him for how horribly he handled them(or how he didn't handle them at all) in regards to me.

 

Plus he knew/knows I want to move as well, someplace south and warmer than where we are (New York). Maybe I'm wrong, but I feel like that should have been an extra push to keep me informed. At the very least he knew I wasn't unwilling to relocate.

 

I am getting more and more angry because I trusted him, the first person I've really trusted in a long time and the fact that someone could go out of their way to say SUCH nice things all the time and yet totally have another agenda blows my mind. JUST last week I said "Ugh why are you so far away to kiss right now?" and he said because he had hated his life and then I showed up and ruined his self loathing, but he already had agreed to do this (the tour). So I said "hurry home and don't hate yourself to where you want to leave me again please" and he said "haha I'll see what I can do, you can definitely assist in that category by just being there". Of course he already knew he was planning to move away/go on more tours already, such a jerk.

[lavenderdove]

Yep, definitely a jerk. I'd also be very suspicious that he did all that flattery and buttering up to get you on the hook, then once you are there, he figures he's got an ace in the hole with no strings attached for whenever he comes home for a visit. You just don't go from 'my life sucked before you' to 'hey, maybe i'll see you around sometime if i'm ever in the neighborhood' in a week's time if you're sincere!

 

I do know the guy who did this to me fully intended to try to keep me as a FWB for whenever he was in town but wanted no strings attached. He thought he had it all arranged/worked out to his satisfaction with me in his life as a loving and supportive person happily awaiting him whenever his royal highness decided to give me an audience. The short verision of my story is we were in an LDR for what was supposed to be short period of time when he had to move cross country for work and I was going to move later to be near him, but then he met and married a rich woman on the sly in his new town to really upscale his lifestyle without even telling me he'd done it and trying to keep me in another town close enough to see me but in the dark as to his marriage. Boy was he surprised when I slam dunked him right into the trashcan when I realized what he was up to, even though we'd been together for 15 years as both friends and lovers... He spent YEARS trying to contact me and weasel his way back into my life with all kinds of excuses to justify his actions and why we should still remain in contact, but I'd have none of it!

 

Some people are just that self centered, that they only think about 'what's in it for me' and never stop to think about their impact of their behavior on other people, or about the fact that you may be way too smart to put up with their foolishness.

 

In your case I suspect he is stupid enough to think you're going to say, 'Sure, why not, get me all excited and let me think this is the beginning of something wonderful for both of us, then suddenly flip this on its ear and now i'm going to be thrilled that you're off partying at college or banging groupies on the road and i'll be right here waiting at home as your best buddy and FWB for whenever you're in the mood for a little stability or a trip down memory lane?' Ummm, NO!!

 

If it were me, I'd straighten his arse out really quick on that notion! He had his chance, and he blew it! You're not accepting being second best or an afterthought in his life!

[akrngrl]

Oh my lord, I'm so sorry you had to go through that! I can't even imagine how hard that must have been and I'm so glad you were able to kick him to the curb.

 

I'm definitely going to take a page from your book. IF he even bothers to contact me again it'll probably be the "I'm tired/feel like death" nonsense he was texting right before this all blew up so I'm just going to lay it out for him that "Sorry dude, this was your choice and I am clearly not apart of anything you actually had in mind for the bigger picture so I cannot pity you or feel bad for you."

 

Plus this all originated on a dating website, but we were both looking for friends at the time and I periodically log on to see that he's "online now", which further proves his whole "My life is up in the air and I can't tell you what to do" is BS.

 

I feel like I had come so far and he made me want to be in a relationship again, and now I'm just SO cautious because he was such a "good/caring" guy when we were friends/before he left and then he turned into this heartless/coward of a human that couldn't even be up front and honest. I'm done and totally not down for a FWB, especially with him so he can go cry single and that no women want him to someone else because he had his chance. I gave him what he wanted and he threw it away.

 

He isn't worth the time or effort, thank you for helping me realize that and get myself out of the "my fault/I'm an idiot" mindset. I really really appreciate it!!

[lavenderdove]

Oh believe me, I spent a long time flagellating myself with all the self doubt as to how that happened to me, until I realized it was really no different than just going about the business of living your life and then you step off a curb when you clearly have the right of way and then a drunk driver careens around the corner and runs you over. Because I did nothing at all wrong, and was living my life based on what he had been telling me and I believed him because of our long time association and because I loved him and had NO CLUE that he would end up deceiving and betraying me. He was that selfish and willing to live a double life in order to get a truckload of money with the associated incredible lifestyle by marrying a rich woman while still keeping his longtime love and best friend (me) in the background in a different city totally unaware of his new life.

 

He was extremely smart, charming, attractive, high power job, all that and no way to expect he would do that to me after 15 years of knowing each other! So the problem was his arrogance, greed, and selfishness that he thought he could keep all that going with two women in two different towns. He was really tempted by her rich lifestyle, and he had to marry her to get it, so he did! It was that simple, closing a business deal in his mind because it was that advantageous to him, and he thought he was on top of the world until I stumbled on the truth and ejected him from my life.

 

I'm sure your guy rationalized keeping all his plans from you because he thought he'd ease you into the idea that is was FINE for him to gallivant around the world banging groupies and 'discovering himself' while you patiently and eagerly supported him from home. He really set that up to start that up right before he left, so I think he was hedging his bets, setting off on a new life, but keeping you as a security blanket. My ex totally and completely expected to keep me in his life because it was what HE wanted, with no real thought to the impact on me or the morality of what he was doing. He honestly tried to convince me that his marriage had 'no impact' on 'us' because we'd just continue as usual seeing each other whenever he was in town since he travelled to my town regularly on business. So in his head he justified it as she was in one place and I was in another and never the twain shall meet, so he got to have his cake and eat it too while 'we' (him and me) just to continue. In his head, as long as we never met each other, what's the harm? But of course that scenario had nothing in it for me at all, and everything for him so I dumped him and never saw him in person again from the day I discovered he had married someone in his new town...

 

So if your ex has those kinds of narcissistic tendencies where he feels the world revolves around him, he will absolutely not see the wrongness of leading you on and withholding his plans to move away, and in fact will be miffed and totally surprised that you are drop kicking him because in his head the world should revolve around him and what he wants, and of course you should be happy and supportive that he is off chasing his dreams even if by doing so he is shafting you. He won't see it as shafting you because he is not really thinking about you at all! But he WILL feel the sting when you drop kick him because suddenly baby doesn't get to have his own way and to keep all his toys....