bluemoon Posted March 12, 2014 Share Posted March 12, 2014 how do you know when you are truly unhappy in a relationship or just unhappy with yourself? I've read a lot that its often easiest to blame things around us other than to see that actually we ourselves are hurting us. In my relationship I've been vastly unhappy (mainly when bf and me are apart) but in my mind I end up blaming it on the relationship feeling that its not right for me, I've noticed that this is mainly when I am unhappy with something else. Bf and I have normal ups and downs and we are still learning about each other, other than this we love each other a lot. So why does love hurt me so much and cause me so much anguish? Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 12, 2014 Share Posted March 12, 2014 Because you are unhappy with yourself. That you are unhappy when apart --- means that you need someone else to validate your feelings and your worth. Link to comment
oitnb Posted March 12, 2014 Share Posted March 12, 2014 You can't be happy in a relationship unless you are happy with yourself. Link to comment
bluemoon Posted March 12, 2014 Author Share Posted March 12, 2014 Thats another reason why I am torn away from the relationship cos I feel too emotionally attached and that in turn ends up hurting me a lot. Any idea on how to work on this? Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 12, 2014 Share Posted March 12, 2014 You are too emotionally attached --- it is called codependency. Google and read about it. You have to learn to exist outside the relationship. It won't "fix" itself...you have some work ahead of you. Link to comment
justagirl123 Posted March 12, 2014 Share Posted March 12, 2014 Does your boyfriend travel a lot for work? Is he in the services, how often would you say you're apart? Just trying to get a better idea of your situation so I can provide a little more insight than the "must love oneself" line that you've already heard a thousand times. lol Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 12, 2014 Share Posted March 12, 2014 It isn't a "line". It is acutally a truism. A relationship can be a wonderful thing --- or in can bring out all of one's insecurities. Fear of abandonment, fear of commitment, fear of being alone. And, in a healthy relationship, there are 3 entities --- you, the SO --- and the relationship. That means that you each have your own lives, and a "commingled" life. And if it reaches the point where you are unhappy alone -- and only happy when in the presence of the other --- then you have become dependent on the relationship for your source of happiness. The source of happiness --- is within you. Link to comment
bluemoon Posted March 12, 2014 Author Share Posted March 12, 2014 Does your boyfriend travel a lot for work? Is he in the services, how often would you say you're apart? Just trying to get a better idea of your situation so I can provide a little more insight than the "must love oneself" line that you've already heard a thousand times. lol It was more the intensity of the relationship, and then LDR and the intensity of that because I began to feel as if a part of me was missing whenever we would leave one another. I wasn't happy in the circumstances I lived in and I think what happened is that he became my source of happiness and comfort and from then on whenever we were not together I began to feel discomfort. I don't really have any other friends to meet up with, all my good friends live far away and I don't know how to keep people interested in me and to be my friend. I do try, but I am weary of being up in peoples faces, I've learned that good friendships normally form naturally so there is no point forcing things Link to comment
bluemoon Posted March 12, 2014 Author Share Posted March 12, 2014 It isn't a "line". It is acutally a truism. A relationship can be a wonderful thing --- or in can bring out all of one's insecurities. Fear of abandonment, fear of commitment, fear of being alone. And, in a healthy relationship, there are 3 entities --- you, the SO --- and the relationship. That means that you each have your own lives, and a "commingled" life. And if it reaches the point where you are unhappy alone -- and only happy when in the presence of the other --- then you have become dependent on the relationship for your source of happiness. The source of happiness --- is within you. All the insecurities you named are within me. I would agree that I have dependencies because of the fears you mentioned though I'm not entirely sure if I'm co-dependent. I have read through a few profiles on various websites of what being a codependent is and most of my personality doesn't match up. I am enmeshed too much in the relationship and put most of my energy in to it. It seems second nature to me, my thoughts are occupied with my insecurities and possible faults in the relationship almost non-stop. I probably have some form of OCD, and I definitely have depression and low-self esteem. I understand a co-dependent does not respect boundaries or is manipulative.. these are things I am 100% not. I respect my boyfriend and support him in all the ways I could. If he wanted a weeks space I would be cool with that. It's more I don't feel I have a self, I don't have friends, I have lost my passions and sometimes feel too trapped in the relationship because of all the insecurities it brings up in me. Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 12, 2014 Share Posted March 12, 2014 A codependent does not HAVE to be manipulative. It is not having a sense of self. And having no life outside it. You should seek therapy. Link to comment
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