What Does It Really Mean When He Says He's Lost and Needs to Find Himself?

[Amy Brock]

I would really like to know a man's answer to this question. When he says "I'm lost and need to find myself"... My ex told me this. I asked him when he fell out of love with me. He said he never did. I then asked him why he couldn't tell me that he loved me anymore and he said that's part of the needing to find himself thing. Break this down for me, please. Thanks.

[mhowe]

It means he feels like his life has no direction.

[Edmund Exley]

Its a phony excuse for the break up as an attempt to let you down easy. Its the same as "Its not you, its me"

 

I don't say this in a mean way, but when someone breaks up with you, they are physically telling you they don't love you anymore. Don't rely on words to validate that. People are mostly cowards when it comes to break ups.

[Amy Brock]

It feels so degrading and I'm afraid I'm not healing fast enough or correctly. I don't know. I'm just stuck in this painful moment and it won't stop replaying.

[mhowe]

Why do you feel it is degrading?

[Amy Brock]

Just hearing that it was his way of telling me he doesn't love me. That rejection stinger. I also think there may have been someone in the background. Our communication broke down so quickly and I'm thinking he started talking to one of those "friends" who seem to come around when there's a bump in the road in your relationship hoping to swoop in and act like a "savior" to the vulnerable person involved.

[mhowe]

If indeed he dropped you for someone else and is covering his tracks, that speaks to his moral character and has nothing to do with your value.

[Amy Brock]

Sorry, I feel like I've back pedaled in my recovery. It's been over a month now and I don't feel like I'm any better than I started.

[beaton]

I had an ex who told me the exact same thing. He never told me that he no longer loved me, but he did tell me that he loved himself more and needed to find himself, etc. It means what it means- he's lost, he needs to figure himself out, and no longer being with you is part of that change he needs in himself. Who knows why.

 

You're healing at a pretty typical pace, don't worry. I tried the 30 days No Contact thing 3 times before making it a full month.

It's okay to not feel better after a month. It feels like one step forward and 2 steps back for a long time, but eventually those steps back will become fewer and fewer. It took me a year. It might take you less time. It's different for everyone.

[Amy Brock]

I went full no contact immediately. I blocked him from my Facebook also. I have no desire to look at him or know what or how he's doing. I'm just having very rough days now filled with thoughts I shouldn't have. In one way, I hate him for all he's done to me. In another way, I miss and love the man he used to be. Today has been tear filled. I have no good days. I have less painful days than others, but every single day seems to breed other memories of better times and sets me back.

[mhowe]

What are you doing to otherwise occupy your thoughts?

[toby4]

As cynical or morbid this sounds... imagine that he's dead. The person you feel in love with is no longer there, they died and whats left is just a reminder of who he was. He's not the same guy anymore and it takes time to grieve the loss of a relationship, to me it's a lot like the loss of a loved one. I guess it actually is literally the loss of a loved one, but break ups are in some ways worse because you have that hope they might come back... They won't, and if they did it would be a new person and it would NEED to be a new person.

[Amy Brock]

As far as occupying my mind with other thoughts... I've been trying to get to the gym everyday and improve my health. I recently got some kind of chest/sinus cold that I'm trying to nurse at the moment. I think the stress from everything knocked my immune system for a loop. Believe it or not, that was my first train of thought... Just tried to think about him as someone who was no longer living. Since he did change so drastically. Not wishing any ill will. I know for certain he will never be back because he is very prideful and the fact that he is no longer in love with me. I'm not waiting on a reconciliation. It doesn't stop the pain, though.

[mhowe]

Only time stops the pain. However...occupying yourself with something new...a hobby, a sport, a class....keeps your mind away from dwelling on the break up.

[Amy Brock]

Thank you for listening and responding. I really have no other support system at the moment. I'm literally just trying to keep above water at this point.

[mhowe]

And that is what I am suggesting.

Instead of treading water....swim towards shore!

[Amy Brock]

I like the metaphor. I'm just frustrated also because I'm near 40 and the thought of starting over again just scares me. It really is hard for me also because even meeting people is hard for me. I'm not a socialite. I'm pretty reserved really. I'm way out of my comfort zone and that in itself is also scary.

[mhowe]

I spent my 30's in a relationship that really wasn't going anywhere. Broke up and spent my 40's solo...and met the love of my life at 49. But you have to be happy with yourself and being alone...and not lonely.

[Amy Brock]

I don't have to be happy being alone. I don't think anyone who has ever truly been in love can honestly say they really love being alone. Love can be an addiction. I know the relationship was borderline abusive. There were so many wrong things in it, but being apart from him hurts more inside than anything he did to me. I know that sounds awful.

[mhowe]

I didn't say you had to love being alone...I said you had to be capable.

Because if you live your life defining happiness based on being in a relationship... then you are destined to be unhappy. Because you will accept any relationship...dysfunctional as all get out...just so that you are not alone.

 

Basing your happiness on anyone but yourself is a house of cards.

 

And love as an addiction...well, you are in withdrawal now.

And like any other addiction....it is painful as he11.

[Amy Brock]

I'm capable, I just don't like it. It's the little things I miss about being so important to someone. Hearing the words "I love you". Feeling someone close at night. Knowing I had someone to come home to. It all seems too quiet now. Too empty.

[PaintWithLight]

I'm capable, I just don't like it. It's the little things I miss about being so important to someone. Hearing the words "I love you". Feeling someone close at night. Knowing I had someone to come home to. It all seems too quiet now. Too empty.

 

You can provide that all for yourself. One of the lessons of a breakup is how to be comfortable alone. Your worth, your value is not dependent on a man telling you that he loves you.

[Amy Brock]

Maybe you misunderstood.. I never said my value or worth was dependent on that. I just miss that.

[Ms Darcy]

I don't have to be happy being alone. I don't think anyone who has ever truly been in love can honestly say they really love being alone. Love can be an addiction. I know the relationship was borderline abusive. There were so many wrong things in it, but being apart from him hurts more inside than anything he did to me. I know that sounds awful.

 

I think this type of thinking is what keeps a lot of women in abusive relationships for years. The inability/unwillingness to be alone.

 

Love as an addiction, as any addiction, can be managed. There are a lot of great resources out there to help you manage those feelings: self help books, spiritual teachings, breathing and meditation practices, self-improvement courses, friendships, counseling, etc.

[Ms Darcy]

I'm capable, I just don't like it. It's the little things I miss about being so important to someone. Hearing the words "I love you". Feeling someone close at night. Knowing I had someone to come home to. It all seems too quiet now. Too empty.

 

It sounds like you are describing loneliness. Loneliness is a lot like hunger to me. Both are deep internal feelings that speak to core inner needs. And like hunger, we often don't know how to deal with or respond to loneliness so we react in an unhealthy way to it. For example, when I am not mindful of my need to be healthy, the moment I feel slight hunger I might run to the kitchen and get a sugary snack. Unfortuately, sugar is like a drug to the brain and not at all filling to the stomach. So what have I done? I've told my brain I want more food and yet I am not feeling fulfilled deep inside.

 

This 'sugar addiction' creates this feeling of hunger, overeating/unhealthy eating, weight gain, loss of confidence, feeling of (emotional or physical) hunger, overeating/unhealthy eating, weight gain, loss of confidence ...

 

Same with loneliness. If your immediate response to loneliness is to go back to an ex or keep trying to make it work with a guy who treats you badly or jumping from relationship to relationship, you NEVER get full. And that's because, like hunger, loneliness is NORMAL. It's not a reason to panic. We all feel things in our bodies (hunger, sleepiness, pain, sadness) because they are signs to make us mindful of what we want.

 

And learning to deal with loneliness without relying on a reationship is key. A few ways include: getting a pet, strengthening friendships, getting therapy.

 

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