Should this bother me?

[diverp]

My girlfriend and I are moving in together in a month or so (waiting until after Christmas and the holidays for when things calm down a bit). Anyways, we have always been very open with each other and talk very well to each other. If she ever brings up old boyfriends or anything, it always feels a little odd for me, but we are adults and that is normal that we have been with other people in the past. I have told her about my past girlfriends too.

 

We went to a co-worker's (of hers) Christmas party last Saturday evening. We were talking in the truck that day on the way home to get ready for teh party. For whatever reason, the talk turned to sex, casual sex, out of the ordinary sex, etc. Just fun talk really. She asked me if (as a typical guy) I ever had fantasy's about a 3 some. I told her that I may have when I was in my mid 20's, but not really. I mean, yeah, I am a guy and that stuff does come to mind if you see something on HBO or something. But it is nothing I have ever been curious about. So, I told her that. SHe then tells me about a time when she had one with an ex-boyfriend and one of his ex-girlfriends. She told me that she had no emotional attachments to the guy any longer when she did that, but that she was more curious than anything. I just played along with smiled and joked with her, but that sort of made me uncomfortable and still does from time to time if I think about it. Its hard for me to grasp having sex like that without loving the person/people you are doing that with.

 

I am mature. I know she loves me and that we are together and very likely going to get engaged this next year. I know that happened when she was in her mid to late 20's (we are both 34 now). So, it shouldn't bug me, but it does make me uncomfortable a little bit.

 

Now, I don't want her to ever feel like she can't tell me the truth or just talk about anything. So, should I just not say that that bothered me and let it go, or am I better saying that it made me uncomfortable? I think our communication is fantastic and a cornerstone of our relationship, but should I be selective about things like this (telling her that it bothers me)?

 

Any input is appreciated, thank you.

[Vanilla]

I think the lines of communications between both of you are great and I admire you for that. I think that it is normal if it bothers you a little bit. Maybe you should say something like "I love the fact that we can tell eachother everything, but sometimes we dont need details" something like that you know? There are certain areas myboyfriend and I dont talk about and one of them are sexual fantasies and such. We tell eachother what we like done sexually and what we like from eachother but things in the past and our own sexual fantasies are kept to ourselves because its just something that is really not that important and its just a thought not something that we're ever going to let come true. Its better that way. In my opinion that is. If your communication is that great you shoul dbe able to tell her you dont exactly like knowing all that much of her sexual fantasies or past experiences in too much detail.

[Day_Walker]

If you arent able to handle her talking about past sexual experiences like 3somes or things of that nature then you are going to do 1 of 2 things; go along with it or tell her that u are uncomfortable. whichever you choose you need to make a decision.

[Cadence308]

I think that you should tell her that it bothered you that she shared that with you. However, I agree that it's best to keep things like sexual fantasies and past sexual experiences to yourself because it's not really relevant to the relationship that you are in and it sounds like it's too many details for you. I think you should remember that this happened in her past and it sounds like quite a long time ago. It sounds like the two of you have a great relationship now and you shouldn't feel threatened by her sexual experiences. Then again, I don't think that she should have given you all of the details.

[DBL]

Being that i'm a bit conservative, we would of never went to the party. I would be uncomfortable about the situation too. I hold myself with high morals and have turned down these types of situations...so I would never date anybody that did not have the same standards of morals I have.

 

Anyway...putting my hang-ups aside...you may want to try to talk with her about it and get it out in the open. See where it goes from there.

 

DBL

[diverp]

She is very open about telling me stuff (as I am with her). And I am not making much of a big deal out of it. It really isn't since that was a long time ago. I love her, she is the best thing in my life. There will always be things like that that will make one another a little uncomfortable, that is normal in people who are older than their 20's and have had encounters like that but are now older and wanting different things. I think the thing that bothers me the most is that when she told me that, she was confiding in me. I can imagine that even though I glossed it over, I am sure that I must have looked or acted a little different and made her uncomfortable with it. She was a little quiet afterwards for a while and hugging and kissing me to show her love for me after that. I just don't want to be a schmuck or jealous boyfriend and make her feel badly about telling me stuff as it comes to her. In this forum thread, it probably sounds like a bigger deal than it is. It is not a big deal at all. I have just found myself thinking about it a couple of times since and feeling ......... jealous, petty, uncaring or any of the above. I am curious if anyone reading this has had similar experiences and what they did with it (be open and say how it made them feel, or just let it slide off their backs).

[diverp]

DBL,

 

Yeah, actually, one of the things that really bonds us and makes us compatible is that we do hold the same morals since growing up. We had similar backgrounds and are both very moral people. She grew up very much as the "good girl next door" kind of thing, and had the strict father. She went to college and all, but didn't get the wild side until she hit about 27 or so for a year or so. So, I can understand the curiosity thing. And I appreciate her honesty, really. It is just one of those times in your life (especially when you are in your 20's) when you have the freedom to do things that you were curious about but never got to do in your growing up years before 20. Totally understandable.

 

I think what I will do is just let this pass as something that is not that big a deal at all really and if something like that comes up again, well, I'll just mention that it makes me uncomfortable.

[Mun]

I think you are right in appreciating her honesty and her trust to tell you these things. I think if my man told me something like this I would freak out for awhile and then I would realize that he wants to be with ME and that is all that matters now.

 

As long as you know she is not interested in this type of activity anymore I think you should feel safe. You should just tell her not to share any more details as they make you uncomfortable. I think she will get the point.

 

Best wishes.

[Yorkrose23]

Be honest with yourself. Don't lie and act like it didn't bother you.

You should tell her. See what happens. If you are going to get married, sexual history is important and will eventually become a problem if you are not honest now!