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Would you forgive your EX?


tanragagirl

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We dated like years ago back in high school. Anyways he was a jerk to me treated me like crap. i guess i was new to relationships so i thought it was ok what he did. idk what I was thinkng. He never ended things instead moved on and started dating another girl without telling me and well i just waited like an idiot for a while. It was pretty bad what he did to me.

anyways now 5 years later he says hes sorry and i asked him for what and he just couldnt give an answer. I thought why apologize when you don't even know what you are saying sorry for? He was persistent but I said I would never forgive him. Now 4 months later he contacts me again. Do I even respond? Do I even forgive him? WHy doesn't he just give up?

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I did. And I moved on without him in my life.

 

Forgiving releases you from the power the situation still has over you (you're dwelling on it and posting here about it)

 

Doesn't mean that you forget what they did or that you want them in your life anymore.

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i am notbothered by it just want to make sure that my judgement is not clouded by hate. I want to do the right tthing. I told him to just stay away but he doesn't. idk why

 

because you give him access to you.

 

block his number so he can't call/text you.

 

block his email so he can't email you.

 

btw, if you're in "hate" mode, then you are still plugged in to him. The opposite of love is indifference, not hate. Hate is angry love and that is why I said you are dwelling on it. If you were indifferent, he'd have been blocked a while ago and this post wouldn't be here.

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Forgiveness isn't something that gets pressured out of you, so you don't 'owe' him anything.

 

As for ~why~ he's pressuring you, it's because most of us can look back and identify when we've been nasty to someone. This likely made him squirm because it doesn't fit with his more recent view of himself as a good person. But no sincere apology comes with any right to be heard, much less forgiven, by the one who was offended.

 

This guy hasn't made any big leaps in learning respect, because imposing a request for forgiveness is already bad form--but pursuing it once denied is badgering, and that only compounds the original offense.

 

I get the whole 'release yourself through forgiveness' idea, but that shouldn't be misused to pressure anyone, either. It implies that wherever people are in their own process is somehow 'wrong' if it hasn't reached an idealized state of understanding or compassion. That wields the concept as a threat of discontent unless you comply, which is a complete bastardization of a subtle and private concept.

 

You have other options. You can forgive someone internally without outwardly offering it to them. You can postpone any thoughts or decision making about the offender or offense for as long as you wish--including forever. You can recall the incident and feel rage on behalf of the person you were in the past, and then allow yourself to recognize how you would better handle the situation today and consider the issue resolved--you can do whatever you want, and without answering to anyone but your Self about it.

 

Given the rude nuisance this guy has become, I personally would block him and table my thoughts about him until ~I~ am ready to work through them.

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