He broke up with me, but I changed his mind. How much chances do we have?

[PrettyGood]

The last relationship has lasted 7 months. Itself it was perfect. However, the break up came out of the blue. Reason: It was cosy and comfortable to live with you, but I was never in love with you. Since my parents were dictatorial all my life - we lived together at his newly bought house. I left his house the same day.

 

I was heartbroken when I found this man 3 months later after the break up. He travelled to my city from another city (that was 2,5 hours away) in order to work and live in the hotel. The monthly cost of hotel considered almost 70% of his salary, so he basically didn't earn much. Since were were dating for 3 months, I asked him to live at my parents (I was sure they'll like him since he was living healthy lifestyle and he was so hard-working). My mother loved him. We lived together for 1,5 months together. For 2 times I was visiting his home city and his family also loved me. He started earning and saving more than before and I was happy to help him. Lately, he announce me that he was planning to work abroad for 2 months. I asked him if I can travel and live with him, since I was working a well paid freelance job, but he didn't like this thought. He said, it's only for 2 months, I don't see a reason why you should bother to relocate. He hasn't left the country at that time, since the job proposal wasn't approved yet. He also didn't had any work at my city either, so one day he asked to return to his home city and live together with him. I was more than happy to take all my things (and a small pet) and to relocate. Since I was a freelancer, I had to work long hours to get well paid. He was working as well, but didn't get paid since he did not get much job there. We did not have any minor fights about anything. However, he was very independent. He did not like me to cook for him or take care after him. He gladly made me breakfasts to bed for me and spent leisure with me. However, I never saw him feeling happy. Somehow he was always upset no matter what we did together.

 

I always showered him with expensive presents (tickets to famous concerts, spa massage, aqua park, romantic dinners, greetings on radio station, etc). He never said "thank you, it was amazing darling. I really liked it". He never told me "I love you" (according to him, only children believe in words, you should see love in my actions). Yesterday it was 2 months since I was living with him (6 months of overall). For 2 evenings in a row I made his family dinner and he didn't have any appetite to taste it. I started asking "What's going on, darling?" He was so upset. All in all, he said he hasn't felt anything for me all this time. He didn't know if he loved me ever and he wasn't happy being with me, because every action of me got him annoyed. He said that I'm always afraid to do something wrong and he just can't marry such shy and clinging person. I asked him if I should go home and give him some time to be alone? He said "Yes, I can take you home if you want, but it will be the end of our relationship". So basically the same pattern as my ex boyfriend did.

 

I panicked. My heart was racing my mind. We were sitting on a bed, he was preparing to sleep and suddenly I burst into heavy crying. I cried and told him how I loved him and how I didn't believe in break up if I didn't do anything wrong for him (no lies, no cheating, no arguments, nothing!). I told him that I don't even deserve this break up, so all I wanted was him to hug me and ask me not to leave. He hugged me crying and told me "Ok, you won't go home. We will solve it our somehow, I just don't know how yet. But we both have to change somehow".

 

This morning he was late to work, still he came to me, embraced me and gave me kiss. 2 out of 6 his family members know that he dumped me yesterday, but they don't know about sudden getting back together. I didn't had breakfast, nor lunch. I cannot work. I cannot concentrate. I still feel so betrayed - as if he got back with me out of a pity. I don't even know where to start repairing everything after he returns from work. How should I behave? What should I say to his family members? What should my day look like? Any advice?

 

P.s. I'm 29. I have well paid work, but I have some kind of phobia of living alone since I was attacked in my past. I cannot return home to my parents because they are dominant and never support me, as if I am a loser daughter with high degree of education and no husband or children yet. I have only 2 close friends who just started living together with their boyfriends, so I don't want to carry in some mess into their lives either. I don't know where to start to be independent and wanted woman!

[pippy longstocking]

I am a little lost ...are you talking about two men here ?

[Circe]

You start by thinking about what you want to do with your time and money - and stop thinking about what he might want with those things. You need a balance - think about him but also think about yourself.

 

Stop buying him special things and treats.

 

House chores (like cooking for his parents) must be an equally shared burden.

 

You think about what YOU want .. you take care of your needs. You don't act like your life and time is all about pampering him.

 

When he does something that upsets you - you tell him. If you'd like him to do something for you (foot rub or something) - you ask.

[Circe]

I am a little lost ...are you talking about two men here ?

 

The guy she had the 7 month r'ship is a different guy Then she met this guy that she spoiled and pampered to death, caring only about his needs - and predictably he doesn't value her at and is bored with it all.

[Circe]

OP, this is what people tend to be like in relationships - they don't want a partner who treats them like they are a God. They want a partner who is vocal about their own needs and acts and behaves that they are just as important in the relationship as the other party. Someone who believes that while they are lucky to have their guy - their guy is also lucky to have them.

 

Someone with a bit of an "edge" who challenges them sometimes. That means not always agreeing with him or always doing what he wants. Having your own opinion which can be different from his sometimes and not being afraid to voice it.

[pippy longstocking]

The guy she had the 7 month r'ship is a different guy Then she met this guy that she spoiled and pampered to death, caring only about his needs - and predictably he doesn't value her at and is bored with it all.

 

ahh thankyou

[catfeeder]

You're afraid to live alone, so you plaster guys with dependency--and they respond negatively to that.

 

I'd consider therapy, lining up a place to live with family or a roommate, and make independence your goal in therapy.

 

This guy has grown resentful of you, and that's not likely to change.

[Mari]

I don't know if that's it. I think she's just ended up with not so great men. Why would he say this: "(according to him, only children believe in words, you should see love in my actions)"? If you love someone, you feel like saying it. I think he just used her. She does try pretty hard but that works for people that have a desire to reciprocate and are capable of doing so. This guy did try with the breakfast but that's about all he's willing to do. He's not working the relationship at her level and is probably feeling guilty that she puts in that much effort.

 

A different guy that has a need for a really good relationship would put in the same effort as her. I've seen relationships like that where both the guy and the girl working hard are saving up to buy expensive gifts to please the other. But that only works if both of them want to, doesn't work if it's not a priority for one them.