What does fighting for her mean?

[captaindrey]

My closest friend broke up with me. I want to fight for her. I understand that she is the one that has to fight for me since she's the one that broke it off. I know that i can find someone that i can settle with but do i want that? does fighting for her mean trying to get her back or does it mean fighting the urge to settle? Im ok with it taking years to get back to her but I want to know if Im going about this in the right way. I made my mistakes as did she but I know she is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Obviously she doesn't. I want to fight for her but it may not happen. I accept that. Who here has honestly settled? I guess this is a pretty deep question and out of the 1 million people that post on this site, there are billions more that have not told their story here. I just want to know if there is anyone that I can reach out to for advice. She was the best thing that has ever happened to me and she's gone. What can I do to get her back besides move on and do the NC "rule" that everyone is so fond of? I have not contacted her but I don't want to lose her forever. The only reason I don't contact her is because I don't know what to say and I honestly want her to be happy. I need a plan. I want her in my life.

[Circe]

Hi,

 

Did you two ever date? Were you ever in a relationship? I'm just confused about what you mean when you say "my closest friend broke up with me". I thought you meant she ended a friendship with you. But the rest of your post makes it sound like she ended a romantic relationship with you. Just wondering which of the two it is?

 

Fighting for someone means doing what is necessary to fix a relationship with the hope of keeping it in tact or getting the person back. What that involves is different in every case.

 

Should you settle? I think you should settle down with a person who you feel lucky to be with. There's more than one person out there that you will feel that way with.

[captaindrey]

Sorry she was my girlfriend. I felt lucky to be with her. I feel lucky to have known her and I feel lucky to know that I have the power to let her move on and forget about me. But I don't want to. I don't want to lose her. Not after Ive thought about it every minute of every day. I want her to know that I am someone she could count on. Not because I want to manipulate her back into my arms but because I want it to happen naturally. I want to start fresh with her from the first date. It may not work again and thats ok, but I want a chance. I know what to do I just don't know how to make it happen.

 

I am not the abusive type nor am i the one to pressure things. I haven't talked to her because she is different and I honestly want her to be happy. Every other ex, Ive blown up and annoyed the sh** out of. I don't want that to happen to her. Ive learned my lessons I just wish this particular lesson was taught to me by someone else.

[Circe]

If you are serious about respecting her decisions and wanting her to be happy - then the most you can do is to let her know that you would like a chance to start over - but it's up to her - and if she ever wants that, to get in touch.

 

I don't think doing any more than that is a good idea.

[captaindrey]

i agree. I want someone to back me up on this and I appreciate it. I haven't talked to her 3 weeks. I sent her an email about 1.5 weeks ago, apologizing about how I acted and telling her that I was wrong.

 

She is starting a new career tomorrow. Something I am very proud of her for. I wanted to send her a text saying that I think she will do great. (she was always very stressed out with her classes but she graduated with a 3.0!). I don't expect a response and even if she responds I don't plan on writing her back. Will she take it the wrong way? or should I stick to the NC "rule"? I honestly mean it and I honestly know she's gone.

[Circe]

Hmm.

 

Did she respond to your email 1.5 weeks ago?

[captaindrey]

No she didn't. She's hasn't said much after saying that she may want to be friends down the road but not now (3 weeks ago). She's a friend on my social networks and our pictures are still there.

 

A back story. She called a break for about a week where we kept limited contact. She said she wanted to think about things. Eventually she said she wanted to work things out and said our communication wasn't there. After that for 5 months we were ok (or so I thought) I called her every day and I saw her every time I was off work. We couldn't get intimate at her parents house so I made her feel like we should when she was at my house. When she didn't want to I got upset. Last time we spoke as a couple, she didn't want to come up as she didn't have enough money to spend on gas (40 min away). I asked her how the issue of sex doesn't faze her and she said she would come up a few days later. The day she said she will come up, she sent me a text explaining that she doesn't feel it with me. I just wanted to sleep with her because I love her. It was almost 2 months since we have done it. I feel like I was right but after she left I feel like it was way more than that. Maybe the sexual attraction wasn't there? I kept a relationship in tact for 3 years mostly bc of the sex. Im not bad at it but this time I feel like I screwed up because that was was more important to me. The sex wasn't great sometimes, but I really feel something toward her. I feel like it was more than that.

[captaindrey]

maybe its the sex. Maybe were not sexually compatible. I think she's beautiful and I would have never looked for anyone else even if the sex wasn't there. Maybe this is a thread for a xxx forum? I never made her c** but she also said no one ever has... Im just thinking out loud

[Circe]

Ok, seeing as she didn't respond to that email - I don't think you should send a text saying she'll be great at this new thing. She's made it clear she doesn't want to continue contact so - respecting that is best. Otherwise, in these circumstances, she might find it annoying that you're still messaging her - even to wish her well on the day.

 

Who knows why she wanted to end it. I don't think we will really know. All we can do is guess - and what's the point of guessing if we'll never know if we are correct? Sadly, regardless of how you feel and what regrets you have - the choice is hers. You've told her you want to start again. She hasn't written back. You have to leave it alone and move on. I don't think she's likely to come back so I think you need to do the NC for yourself - not as a way of getting her back.

[captaindrey]

I didn't tell her I want to start again. I said I will always want to "patch things up and move forward." My thought process is this:

 

I will say shell be great (I mean it)

She doesn't respond. Thats ok.

She will date

She will marry

If that doesn't work for her I have already moved on and if in the slightest of chances we meet and she we are both single, we will remember that we once had feelings for one another. I didn't give her closure and I never asked her for closure.

 

In the end she will know I wished her the best. She wasn't just some girl I dated. She was someone I loved.

[Circe]

Ok..

 

I'll just say - about "she will know I wished her the best." ...

 

Not necessarily - she could interpret your good luck sms as:

 

1. My ex will not leave me alone

2. My ex dares to send me a message like its for MY benefit when really it's for his benefit because he is still trying to get me back even though I've told him it's over. How annoying.

 

Or she could interpret it in the way you're hoping. You do what's best. You know you will feel pretty bad if she doesn't reply though. I'm sure you thought that email you sent her 1.5 weeks ago was going to be the last contact too and if she doesn't reply you'd move on.

 

Mostly I don't think you are being honest. Not with us - not with yourself. You say you know it's over and you just want her to be happy. I don't think so. I think you're hoping it's not over - and you want to be happy again. Primarily - you want to be happy again.

[captaindrey]

One of my best friends was engaged with a girl. She disappeared for a week. He tried everything to get her back. Eventually she said they need counseling. They visited a councilor but she didn't like him. When they visited another, it worked out. I asked my friend, why didn't you give up? He said, because if i want something, I fight for it. They obviously grew closer than my ex an I did, but does that mean I should stop fighting for her? I respect her decisions but honestly thats what makes me fall even more in love with her. Bob Marley said it best. "If she's worth it, she won't be easy" I don't see easy in anything that I have been going through. I only see that she's worth it.

[Circe]

He said, because if i want something, I fight for it.

 

As long as you can see that the primary concern is not the other person's happiness at all - but what you want (or in that case, what your friend wanted).

 

Anyway - different relationship entirely. They were engaged, which means there was a time when she thought their relationship had what was required for a lifetime together. Then stuff happened and she changed her mind - but because it initially had all of those things - she believed it was possible to work on it.

 

In your case it appears that this girl just isn't into you that much. But seriously - do what you want - but you'll feel better and do better if you're always honest with yourself and others about your intentions.

[captaindrey]

of course Im hoping its not over. Im 26 years old why would I hope its over? I accept that its over but thats very different from "hoping" its not. We are different people. We were before we met and we will be after we meet. Will we be together? Maybe not, but does that mean I have to brush it off like it never happened? Or should I learn from it? And accept the idea that maybe she will learn from it too? I want her. What you're saying makes sense. Everyone has been in my shoes. Everyone has found a "better" match. What did they do though? Did they change their ways or did they settle for who accepted them? If its the latter of the two, why settle when you already know what you want?

[Circe]

Sorry, I thought at some point in your messages you had said you accepted that it was over - but I must have been wrong.

 

I honestly want her to be happy.

 

If you want her to be happy, let her go. She wants to go. If you want her to feel awkward and stressed out about not being able to shake you - keep contacting her.

 

Edit: ok sorry - you accept it's over - you hope it isn't.

 

I don't think you're acting like you accept it's over. Accepting it's over and hoping it isn't is respecting her wishes (which appear to be for no contact) and hoping SHE changes HER mind and contacts YOU.

[captaindrey]

Im sorry I don't mean to be rude. Its the situation that Im in. Im just being stubborn. Her father wants to stay in touch. She said her dad didn't like any of her boyfriends and here i am without her, missing her like crazy. Its confusing.

[Circe]

Did they change their ways or did they settle for who accepted them? If its the latter of the two, why settle when you already know what you want?

 

Why is being with someone who accepts you "settling"? Can you imagine a world where you accept someone - and they accept you. You love someone, and they love you. You feel you are compatible with someone, and they feel the same about you. You are attracted to someone - and they to you.

 

You wait until the feelings are mutual. It does happen.

[Circe]

Im sorry I don't mean to be rude. Its the situation that Im in. Im just being stubborn. Her father wants to stay in touch. She said her dad didn't like any of her boyfriends and here i am without her, missing her like crazy. Its confusing.

 

You're not being rude - and I'm sorry for finding you a little frustrating - I know why I feel this way and it's because I don't like it when someone says what they really care about is their exes happiness - but really.. they aren't even seeing what their ex needs. really, in their present state of pain, they couldn't care less what their ex needs. They are thinking about what they need.

 

And the reason I don't like this - is that it can be really hard to communicate with someone who insists they aren't being selfish - when actually they are. And honestly I understand why you are feeling selfish -and it's completely natural and to be expected that you would feel this way after a break up. But I think it's important that you see that she wants something different to what you want. There's no way you can make her want what you want. She either has to want that on her own or not at all. She already knows she doesn't want to pursue anything further. You think you can change her mind by redoing things? You can't change the past. You can't redo things. You can't erase your personality and who you are and conjure something else up that might suit her better. You can't even change that drastically that quickly and maintain that change for long.

 

Let this one go - take some time and work on whatever issues you have that might make you difficult to be in a relationship with - and wait for someone who is more compatible with you.

[captaindrey]

I want her to be happy. I once made her happy. It makes me unhappy that I can't get the chance to do it again even though I know i can. There is a possibility that she will be unhappy again if I make contact with her. I can see where Im being selfish. Its a lose lose situation for me. This is the inevitable isn't it?

[captaindrey]

Are you her? Because I was right there. So close. I missed it. I can't believe it.... Its been 2 years since i was in any real relationship before her

[captaindrey]

I understand where you are coming from. In your honest opinion, why hasn't she erased me from her memory in terms of pictures and social websites? shed some light.

[captaindrey]

Edit... didn't see the last message post

[Circe]

I think what's almost inevitable is that you will contact her again.

 

What you are feeling is what many of us often feel after a break up. Why can't I make them happy anymore? I once did, so I can again. If they liked/loved me once, why did they stop? Why can't I make them like/love me again?

 

Sometimes there's a solution - a way to work on it.

 

Personally, I don't see it here. This girl isn't even willing to tell you what the problem is. She's not willing to work on it. You think you know what the problem is - you think it's about pressuring her for sex, I think? I think there's more to it. Whatever it is - she's not willing to discuss it. Maybe she's trying to save your feelings, maybe she's not good at conflict - I don't know.

 

What does it mean to say "I was right there. So close. I missed it."

 

What does that mean? Close to what? A happy forever with her? Did she ever tell you that she was in love with you and saw spending forever with you?

 

We can never start again, you know. What we've done is always what we've done. So "start again" is not an option you can offer her. It's not a real thing you can give her. Her only choice is to continue to work on the relationship with you. She has chosen not to take you up on that.

 

Honestly, what more is there? Acting in a kind and considerate way (which is actually a manipulative way because there's an ulterior motive to it) to make her see how wonderful you are? Look, do it - it's not going to cause her THAT much grief. I don't think it will work. I don't think you should do it. But seriously I think it will cause you more harm than it will cause her so if you are determined - do it.

[Circe]

I understand where you are coming from. In your honest opinion, why hasn't she erased me from her memory in terms of pictures and social websites? shed some light.

 

Maybe because she's moved on and doesn't need to. I would erase someone if the sight of him gave me pain. If I'd moved on I wouldn't bother unless a new bf asked me to or if I thought a new bf was going to feel uncomfortable with it.

 

I don't know though - maybe it's the reason you're hoping - which is "because she still looks at those pictures and thinks about our happy times together and pines for me".

 

She doesn't sound like she cares that much though (I say this because she hasn't done anything to fix it - hasn't told you what the issue even is) .. so my honest opinion is - she's left it there because she can't be bothered to delete it.

 

I know it sux. But that's relationships and dating for you. A lot of times it sux.

[captaindrey]

She did say that she saw us together. None of her relationships lasted long enough for her to spend any holiday with. She said that the first time we approached a holiday. She never had a real Valentine before me. (we were together for 1.5 years)

 

And no I won't do. I can't do that to her. Thats why I asked for advice. Thank you. As stubborn and as selfish as I come off, and as much as I can't "change" my personality, I love her enough not to cause any grief on to her.