BDD Posted January 29, 2014 Share Posted January 29, 2014 Hey everybody, I've been seeing this girl for about a month now, and things have been getting more serious. I am not that experienced with committed relationships that may turn into long term relationships, so I think in my lack of experience I crossed a boundary. With the hope of being completely transparent and honest, I shared with her that I feared being unfaithful to her, that I would sabotage myself. We both have discussed this sort of thing - "not being comfortable being happy," and sort of self sabotaging ourselves. It happened in one other instance early on in the relationship (she was interested, and knew that I was interested, yet didn't have the self esteem to accept that I liked her until we got into small argument about it). So, yeah.....maybe in my naivete I blurted out something I should have kept to myself, but, like I said, my only intention was to be honest and transparent. Now she is very upset and conflicted, and seems to struggle with trusting me at the moment. What should I do? What do you think would be the most appropriate outcome in any case? Any insight would be great. Thank you, BDD Link to comment
mhowe Posted January 29, 2014 Share Posted January 29, 2014 There is nothing to do...she will now always have that doubt. Chalk it up to experience and while dating...don't lay out hypothetical possibilities. Why on earth would you say something like that? It will make whomever you are dating want to stop dating you. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted January 29, 2014 Share Posted January 29, 2014 Chalk it up to a lesson learned - some of the crazy in our heads needs to stay in our heads and everyone has a little bit of that. So don't feel bad about it. Other than that, nothing you can do but be a good bf. Either she'll get over it or you'll end up parting company. What you do need to do is deal with your insecurities. That will mess up a lot of relationship for you and become kind of a self fulfilling prophecy where your fears make you act nuts and then that nuts drives away partners. Link to comment
ForeverFree81 Posted January 29, 2014 Share Posted January 29, 2014 Silly thing to say! As people here have already said, your girl will always have that insecurity, whenever you are out with mates, or you are late home from work, or if you take too long to reply to a text, her mind will run. My advice? If you dont know in your heart that you can stay faithful to a person, then dont date. Simple as that. Because if you cant, and you date someone and end up cheating on them, well, thats how the broken hearts forums get started. Nobody deserves that, I have been cheated on twice, both men werent "ready" to date, despite being the ones to ask me out, and now my friends and new partner are left to clean up the pieces and deal with the headnoises that have come from me being betrayed like that. Its really not a hard one to figure out. Link to comment
shelty24 Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 Did you really mean what you said? If yes, then don't commit to a monogamous relationship. As for this relationship-end it now. She will never trust me. If a guy I was dating said that to me, I would dump him straight away Link to comment
louisecar Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 Well if you feel u cant trust yourself, as others have said, u shouldnt get urself into a commited relationship. Cheating isnt just sex... it causes untold damage to the person that is cheated on and has a knock on effect on their future relationships no matter how hard they try not to let it. If you think there is a chance you will hurt her then do the right thing and end it because u wudnt be having them thoughts if u were totally happy with her or just one woman. Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 With the hope of being completely transparent and honest, Pro tip: there's being open and honet, and then there's being too open and honest. All you can do now is try to move past it and regain her trust through your actions. Link to comment
BDD Posted January 30, 2014 Author Share Posted January 30, 2014 Thank you for the replies everyone. I really appreciate it. Fortunately, we were able to talk about it - she was ready to end things I feel, but, I tried my best to reassure her that I love her and am interested in continuing the relationship, and she decided to accept it and move on with us. She opened up that she has been a serial cheater herself in the past, which sparked my own suspicions of her. Although what I said I feel wasn't tactful and would make any woman I was seeing to lose trust, I think also it was a reaction to her own history. She knew what it was like to have those feelings herself. Not to put blame and say, "Hey, you're angry about this because you did this yourself in the past," but, I did think it was an interesting if not somewhat relevent aspect to the confrontation. In any case, we're both a little battered maybe by that whole thing, so, we will see how it goes. We both have trust issues, so it'll be an opportunity to learn I feel, and I do love her and enjoy her as a person in general. I admit I don't like the level of confrontation we've had so far (which of course I've contributed to) so again, we will see how it goes. Hopefully we can trust each other and just try our best. Also, yes, I felt I meant what I said, but only with the intention to NOT feel that way anymore. It wasn't wise to share that with her, obviously. I should have consoled in a friend *smh* Anyway, like I said, I am pretty new to committed relationships. I am 26 and have had a couple of serious ones, but, they were never healthy. My goal is to finally understand how to maintain a healthy realtionship and to have one. Thanks again, everybody. Link to comment
BDD Posted January 30, 2014 Author Share Posted January 30, 2014 What you do need to do is deal with your insecurities. That will mess up a lot of relationship for you and become kind of a self fulfilling prophecy where your fears make you act nuts and then that nuts drives away partners. Agreed, DancingFool. Thank you. I feel self aware about all of this thankfully, which is why I brought it up. Also, I completely understand where everyone is coming from in this thread about saying to end it if I think I will cheat on her, and that it can do untold damage. Absolutely. I have every intention of ending it or speaking up if I think that were a possibility, before it were to even happen. However, I don't WANT to feel that way, and trust myself enough to be committed and to work on this. If anything, I might be a little hyper-aware (hence, sharing this stuff with my girlfriend). In any case, I feel I will give it my best, and want to try. Thank you, everyone. Link to comment
shelty24 Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 Unless you get to the root cause of WHY you may want to cheat then you will cheat. Root cause could be insecurity (craving attention and validation through sex as an ego boost) passive aggressive (fears confrontation so will cheat as a substitute to needs not being met in the relationship instead of trying to fix issues with her) or commitment phobic, addictive personality (craves infatuation) etc etc It may be a good idea to see a therapist if you fear self sabotage and work on you so you don't repeat past mistakes or stay in an unhealthy/dysfunctional relationship again (co-dependency). Good luck to you Link to comment
BDD Posted January 30, 2014 Author Share Posted January 30, 2014 Unless you get to the root cause of WHY you may want to cheat then you will cheat. Root cause could be insecurity (craving attention and validation through sex as an ego boost) passive aggressive (fears confrontation so will cheat as a substitute to needs not being met in the relationship instead of trying to fix issues with her) or commitment phobic, addictive personality (craves infatuation) etc etc It may be a good idea to see a therapist if you fear self sabotage and work on you so you don't repeat past mistakes or stay in an unhealthy/dysfunctional relationship again (co-dependency). Good luck to you That's exactly it shelty24, thank you so much. I have an appointment with a therapist tomorrow who hopefully I can see on a weekly basis. I have challenges in general I would like to address, including my co-dependency and what you mentioned with "validation....sex as an ego boost," and possibly addictive aspects to that and other things. I have been in and out of therapy for several years, and hopefully I can bring this to the table as well. Thank you, again. Link to comment
GinNJuice Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 This relationship is going to be nothing but drama. Run now. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 I don't think you can have a healthy relationship with someone who admits to being a serial cheater..... This is a situation where you both are bringing too many issues to the table. You have issues and she also has major issues. Because of that, this could turn really toxic - your mutual issues will bond you and also keep you down like a bad addiction. It just seems like a train wreck in the making. I think it's great that you are seeking therapy and want to deal with things. Maybe consider being single for a bit and just working on the things you want to work on and really concentrate on whatever your therapist suggests that you need to do for yourself to break away from bad cycles. Link to comment
BDD Posted January 31, 2014 Author Share Posted January 31, 2014 I don't think you can have a healthy relationship with someone who admits to being a serial cheater...... I understand the concerns. They concern me as well. She basically would fit into the "reformed serial cheater category" in this regard. I do trust she has the potential to change, and that it is possible that she is telling the truth. That she really wouldn't cheat again. I however, have little experience with this. I am not sure how I should feel - what I would need in order to trust her. She has mentioned the last time she cheated was a year ago. I am vaguely aware that she may or may not be sorry about it. She mentioned these were unhealthy relationships, but I feel she may have as yet to take responsibility for her actions. I suppose I could bring up with her whether or not she feels she has taken responsibility for her actions or not. Link to comment
shelty24 Posted January 31, 2014 Share Posted January 31, 2014 You need to be emotionally and mentally healthy in order to be in a healthy relationship. Otherwise you will keep attracting the wrong type and keep destroying each other. My advice-take a break from women, do your therapy, heal, become a stronger, more confident person and then you will be in a better place to find the right kind of girl. You gotta be your best to get the best and getting her is easy-keeping her is the hard part Link to comment
BDD Posted January 31, 2014 Author Share Posted January 31, 2014 I agree shelty24, thank you. Link to comment
BDD Posted January 31, 2014 Author Share Posted January 31, 2014 My advice-take a break from women, do your therapy, heal, become a stronger, more confident person and then you will be in a better place to find the right kind of girl. I will take your advice. Link to comment
shelty24 Posted January 31, 2014 Share Posted January 31, 2014 Also if you are unhappy with your therapist-don't give up. You can find a new one. You are only responsible for you and for fixing you. You have only been seeing this girl a short time. Having some deep conversation about all her past mistakes and wanting her to change is unnecessary. Staying with this girl with all these red flags is your co-dependency. Most men would have ran a mile by now. I am not saying she cannot change but it isn't your job to fix her. Your not a therapist so get out now and work on your own issues. You are poison to each other Link to comment
BDD Posted January 31, 2014 Author Share Posted January 31, 2014 Yes, I am probably just as bad for her. Link to comment
BDD Posted January 31, 2014 Author Share Posted January 31, 2014 How would you recommend breaking up with her? Anyone? Link to comment
DancingFool Posted January 31, 2014 Share Posted January 31, 2014 Call her up and just tell her that you've thought about things and don't feel that you are in the right place for relationships. It was great getting to know her and you wish her all the best. Don't make it complicated and if you hear any begging to continue or to stay friends or asking for explanations, firmly decline and just repeat that things are not working out for you in terms of dating and just be done. Whatever you do, don't promise to be friends. After just a month, it's barely even a break up more like a "hey not feeling like another date with you." Side note - cheaters always have the boohoo story about why they cheated and it's always the same variation of their partner/relationship was bad or issues from childhood. Here is the thing to keep in mind though, everyone runs into bad partners. The solution is to break up, NOT to cheat. So when a red flag like that comes up, just walk away. Don't waste your time listening to bs and don't think you can fix them unless you are a licensed psychiatrist and they your patient. Link to comment
ForeverFree81 Posted January 31, 2014 Share Posted January 31, 2014 I agree 100% with DancingFool. There is never ever an excuse to cheat or a reason good enough to justify doing so. I was with my ex fiancee for 18 months, and he was violent, controlling and horrid in every sense of the word to me. I had ample opportunities to cheat on him, but I never did, because I felt that if I had, I would become a worse person than him. Just tell her its not for you right now, given your conversation about being unsure about being able to stay faithful. Just tell her you want to work on yourself alone, and that you wish her all the best in her search. Link to comment
BDD Posted January 31, 2014 Author Share Posted January 31, 2014 Thank you everyone, we broke up, and although maybe I wasn't really tactful, I think we both at least understand the situation. Me needing to focus on myself. We probably won't be remaining in contact as well. For me, it's about wondering when you can trust a person who has cheated in the past. It seems a pretty dismal prognosis thinking someone like that could never change. She said she would cheat as a form of "insurance" so when her boyfriend inevitably messed up, she could use that against him. Haha, I know. Really, really awful. Nonetheless, I would think there would be SOME point where you could trust a person again. Of course, I am not really sure what that point would be (and sure, with someone's history like hers). Useful to think about for the future. Link to comment
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