Is this relationship long-term going to work?

[MrNani]

OK, I got divorced because I thought my ex was incompatible and did not stop pissing me off.

Then I put my profile in the online dating thing. It didn't take long to meet a young and beautiful girl. I am European and girl is American. It has been 4 months now and she is starting showing that she likes me a lot and even talking about kids, marriage, future, etc, asking for exclusivity and has invited me to visit her parents.

 

My concern:

- I like elegance and as part of my work and culture, I dress very well. My house I keep clean and organized at all times.

- She is the opposite in this regard and already brought up and admitted the difference herself. Her house is a complete mess, dirty that I don't feel comfortable sleeping there. and she is the type who thinks making a bed and folding clothes are a waste of time from my side. She keeps repeating she can't understand why I spend money buying brand clothes, shoes and European luxury cars. I spend time explaining to her that elegance, quality clothes are bought for a reason since I enjoy quality and I like to dress well and cars I buy are more expensive because the craftsmanship and materials are simply better, but I do not buy exotic cars that are a rip off.

 

I also cook very well and I enjoy wine. She keeps asking why I "spend so much time cooking". I try to explain to her that is a pleasure and appreciation for fine food is in my genes.

 

She is saying I will not change her and she agrees to go out and dress well when we go out, but throughout the day, her clothes are very casual and she doesn't give a jack damn. I learned that if we go out at night, I need to specifically tell her to dress well, do a facial and I will have to buy a perfume and give it to her, otherwise she uses no perfume, no cream, etc.

 

The pros why I like her:

- She is very honest, share bills, it doesn't take advantage of me.

- She seems to be loyal and romantic.

- She is a professional, independent financially (good because ex was very charming, but in turn suck all my assets in the damn divorce).

- She is young, athletic, single and we make sex like there is no tomorrow.

 

Question:

Do you think I can change her enough to have a happy marriage? The problem is that most nice, charming women would see my attributes as a noble quality. Instead sometimes I see myself justifying my life style as if that was a bad thing.

[MadxMythMadame]

Well, think about it like this: Do you want to change her? If she was cleaner, more elegant, would she still be the honest, romantic, loyal woman you're currently with? Does her great attributes out-weight the mess, casual lifestyle she leads?

 

You can't change someone. People are not like dogs who can learn a few tricks. My rule of thumb is that never expect someone to change. People almost never think they're doing anything wrong. I'm sure she's fine with the way she is. If you try to change her into "a perfect wife", you're a fool and you will possibly lose her. Think about how you would feel if she wanted to change a lot of things about you. All those things -- the good and bad -- all make up the woman you see before you. Think about that.

 

Not once have you mentioned love --Call me naive, but I think you should think about if you love the woman, right? I understand the idea of marriage being used for companionship (company, not sexually speaking), which by any means does not need love. If she's a romantic, I would think she wants love to be an equation. If not, to each their own. Just thought that was worth mentioning.

[Nightvision]

There's a chance she will not change at all and this sloppiness could also affect other aspects of her life and your life too.

[CeeLambrini]

You both seem like very pleasant people, but in your own different ways. Long term, clearly you both have expectations that the other isn't willing to fill. She is not going to be able to keep clean and tidy to match your standards, and you are going to be spending money on things she does not believe are worth it. There's two massive future arguments right there that you have to keep in mind. If you love her, which I also noticed you never mentioned, then you will have to be willing to compromise things like these.

Are you willing to lower your standards slightly on cleaning? Are you willing to perhaps spend less on expensive clothes and cars? These are examples of the compromises you will probably have to face in the future.

Like I said, you are both nice people. But just because two people are nice it doesn't mean they are perfect for each other.

[jonahf]

I guess if you would make an effort or even intend to change her, it might work for some time but in long term it could be disastrous for your relationship. So appreciate and enjoy not only her positive traits but also appreciate the fact she is different from you and let me tell you these small short comings makes a person more interesting. A perfect person can often be boring.

[Iggles]

Question:

Do you think I can change her enough to have a happy marriage? The problem is that most nice, charming women would see my attributes as a noble quality. Instead sometimes I see myself justifying my life style as if that was a bad thing.

 

You cannot change her. Never marry with the intent to mold the person into who you need them to be in order to be fully happy. That is setting yourself up for disappoint and divorce.

 

Her cleanliness level and lack of appreciation for the "finer things" in life are indicative of her character. Meaning, there are values she holds which differs from yours. It doesn't make her a bad person for holding different views! It just shows some core incompatibilities with your world view. Sometimes opposites attract but are too different to last in the long term because of differing on core issues.

 

You have to decide what is a deal breaker for you and what is. If she is 70% of what you're look for, can you live with that? Or will you always be longing for the other 30% that is "missing"? In other words, can you accept her as she is?

 

If you cannot, then you have no business marrying her and building a life together. She is who she is so the things that bother you now will not disappear.