I need to start moving forward...not backward

[Guitarguy_82]

I'd just like to start by saying that I'm kind of all over the place with things in my head right now, so bear with me.

 

I'm going to touch on a few topics...hopefully I don't ramble too much.

 

I'm noticing more and more that I am somewhat of a loner these days. Not that I'm anti-social (although I am somewhat introverted at times) or don't like meeting new people...but rather the people I do know are all married couples. It kind of dawned on me that these are people who were just 'friends' (in my mind) and now I see that it's really me who was the 3rd wheel and basically providing them with a distraction for their married life. Not to say that they needed or asked for a distraction, but it would always be the couple who hosts...since I live at home with my family.

 

I've been single for a few years now (although I'm kind of dating someone casually right now, but more on that later) and I think I'm just at the point in my early 30's where I'm noticing that most of my peers are married, having kids, and otherwise "moving forward" with life and the pursuit of happiness, so to speak. I am apparently moving either very slowly, or moving backwards completely in the opposite direction. I don't have any immediate goals, passions, or hobbies to occupy myself with. (Note: my current lofty goals are to get my Master's degree and have a family at some point in the future, but I don't have any headway on either of those right now. My other "passion/hobby" is martial arts, which I am trying to get back in shape so I can do again. Besides that, I basically stay at home most nights and play video games or read books. I also watch sports but that's only on the nights my team is playing)

 

I basically need to find a hobby, which will lead to meeting new people, which will hopefully lead to some new friends. I need something new in my life at this point. This is, of course, easier said than done. I'll be the first to admit I need a kick in the pants when it comes to motivation. That being said, I'm interested in a lot of different things, but I don't really feel the impetus to do any of them. I'm stuck in a rut.

 

I've come to a (perhaps incorrect or misguided) conclusion that before I can really get into a serious relationship, I need to have at least one or two good friends I can count on to be a part of "my" crowd. My own backcourt of guys (or gals) to call MY friends. So many times in the past when I was in relationships I noticed that I would hang out with whoever I was dating at the time and her friends. There was rarely, if ever, a point where I'd say "hey let's hang at my place with my buddies and do XYZ". (also to add to that, I didn't have "my" own place at the time. Since I was living with family; since I was too poor to move out). See where I'm going here?

 

I was totally dependent on others to have fun. I never had a best friend to say "hey I'm going to go hang out with so and so, and do guy stuff today" or pick any activity and insert in the blank.

 

When I moved out of state I met a married couple (yes, I know, again) and the guy actually turned out to be a great friend. We would hang and do things and in general just have fun. But at the end of the day, he was married and had a young child, and I always knew he would just be a part time friend. I was at their mercy when it came to having any friend time. I was on their schedule. Not the other way around.

 

I guess the point here is that I feel like I need to have a good friend at some point before I can start really seeing someone. That's not to say I think its necessary. In fact, I would hope that the person I meet and eventually marry would become my best friend in the end regardless. To add to that, I just need a good friend in general. I need guy friends. Female friends would also be welcome...but (in the past) I would more or less try and turn those friendships into relationships...which of course just ends in disaster.

 

If you can't already tell, I'm a bit scatter brained when it comes to this. I'm frustrated with where I am in life. I work from home in a job that provides for me financially, but doesn't give me any motivation to succeed or to learn or to move forward. That can change I suppose by simply getting a new job. But that, as some of you may well know, is not something you can just decide to make happen instantly. The job market for my field (IT: website support) is essentially packed with people from outside the US who work for cheaper and reduce the need for "educated US workers". I digress, but the point is that the field sucks right now unless you have incredible (and extremely specific) skills. As a EE grad who is working in IT (since the EE field is even worse, my skill set is more of a "jack of all trades"..which doesn't exactly help my situation either. This is nobody's fault either, I might add, other than my own for perhaps picking the wrong major.

 

I work from home, but I live with my family. That has its own world of stress right now. My dad just had a stroke and seizure ( I guess they happened simultaneously) and he basically cannot drive. This means that I, as the son who they can always count on, will need to step in and help with driving duties. Since I work from home, I also have become a quasi caretaker for my dad since he can't go anywhere. If mom is at work, and the kids are at school, then who will make sure dad (who is forgetful and prone to dimensia on top of the recent stroke) doesn't burn something in the kitchen or forget to feed the dog or forget to eat lunch? Apparently I get to step in and help with that since I'm working from home as it is. To be fair, I love my dad, and I'll do anything that's needed for him, but it just adds up to more "things" that cause me to feel frustrated that I'm not out on my own (as I was in Georgia) and living my life.

 

As for the rest of the family situation, I moved back to Texas after working in Georgia for a year and I'm trying to get back on my feet and save money by living here with my folks and two younger siblings. All in all there's no complaints there (minus the issue with my dad's health, but that's not anyone's fault), as I love my family and will generally do anything for them; but I also feel like I am basically a kid again living with them, on their schedule, eating their meals, etc etc. Sure it would be easy to say "to heck with it I'm going out tonight"...but that goes back to my main point....who exactly would I be going out to see??? (To add to it, I'm certainly not bound by their schedule so to speak. I can come and go as I please...but what happens when say at 10PM when everyone is asleep and I'm wide awake and wanting to do things around the house? Well either I need to be a ninja and do it silently so I don't wake anyone, or I just head back up to my room and "enjoy" my evening alone)

 

Married couples my age generally don't want or need a 3rd wheel single guy to hang out with. They probably have their plates full with their own things to do/worry about. And the rest of my single guy friends (three guys that I used to work with) all live 30-40 minutes away, or work the graveyard shift, essentially making any evening plans a complete chore. I want a friend who lives nearby to go get a beer down the street at a bar 5 minutes away. Not make some epic trek downtown just to hangout for an hour or two and then drive back home.

 

As for the girl I'm seeing....that's really not going anywhere. She's 24, I'm almost 32. She's about to enter college and is going to have all of her time eaten up by that as it is, not to mention her work load. She's a sweet girl (although somewhat selfish in the sense that she "expects" me to foot the bill for our dates and woo her; a point I've made to her and she has started to pay for some dates) and we have a few interests in common...but I really don't see her as anything more than a casual Friday night date kind of girl. Nothing against her, its just how it is.

 

So all in all, I'm a mess lately. I'm just going through the motions. I fully realize that "this too shall pass" and its "just a phase" and "you'll meet someone just keep your chin up"....I'm aware of that....

But it just feels like things are going in the complete opposite direction of where I want them to go.

 

To sum things up. I'm not placing blame on anyone but myself. I've been meek and shy my whole life and its gotten me basically nowhere. Yes, I desire control over my own life, and I need to figure out how the heck to do that. Only I can make myself happy. Only I can motivate myself. I've been on eNotalone long enough to know what the "solution" should be...its just a matter of actually doing it.

 

If you've read this (and I admire your patience if you've read to this point) and you feel like you have a comment or suggestion, then please feel free to do so; but overall I'm just venting and needed to get it all out of my head.

 

So yeah...that's it. I'm done ranting. It's up to me at the end of the day. I need to turn this ship in a different direction.