Is she having regrets or after a ego boost

[doicare]

I wouldn't say u screwed up u handled that well. Actually u stood your ground and totally turned it on her. Well done. I would be a little more distant and not offer to help though.

[srman]

I wouldn't say u screwed up u handled that well. Actually u stood your ground and totally turned it on her. Well done. I would be a little more distant and not offer to help though.

 

I had to help her as she specifically called for me to help her, admitadly their were others that she could have asked for help and in some instances were within eye sight. I don't help her unless she asks. I try to be as distant as possible and be as vague as possible or smile and ask her why she's curious.

[srman]

She asked me the other day why i was angry at her i laughed and told her i wasn't and told her i had stuff to do. She can tell from my demeanour that im happy without her in my life where as from my observations she hasn't being happy for the past few weeks, im guessing things aren't as rosy with the new guy as she thought it would be, either way its none of my business. She's even started calling me by the nickname she called me by while we dated, and caught her checking me out. The increased contact from her has tested my self control i've got to admit i do miss her alot, but im i don't want the last 7 weeks of LC be for nothing. Im tempted to remind her that she promised to respect the fact that i wanted space and time, but im not sure if thats the right way to go about it.

[doicare]

Ok everyone here will say 1) she found a new bf and has made her choice (maybe gigs though) and 2) time for nc and time for you to move on. I tend to side a little bit with that, as she found a new bf quickly, so can you really trust her? That said I can understand you want her back, we are not immune to wanting someone we love, so I dont necessarily ascribe to this "cut her off forever" thing, but seriously limiting your contact, and going maybe NIC (non initiated contact is a little better). It seems like she's turned a bit and is warming up to you, but I would still keep my distance and give her very little until the day she says I want you back and want to work this out. She needs to prove to you she wants the relationship, otherwise if you give more of yourself, you'll push her away again.

 

So I would keep up your attitude, cool, confident, and go and live your life. react accordingly, and dont be her doormat or emotional safety blanket, she by breaking up with you gave up that right.

 

Meantime Ive been reading "getting the relationship you want" by Harville HEndrix, it's super insightful, and I highly recommend you read it. It really gives you a solid foundation as to how to read you SO's needs, and how to react accordingly to her lashing out. It's really amazing, how when he explains it, that when your gf starts complaining or making extraordinary demands, it's really her inner child with unresolved issues coming out. This book gives you a guide as to how you can respond to them and make them feel loved and understood without causing additional conflict while being able to deflect her abuse. It's more for when you're in a relationship, but you can probably use this new found understanding to foster a better relationship where your gf/ex can trust and feel safe around you.

 

I recommend this book, because if you ever do get your ex back, you guys will more than likely go back to the same patterns and break up again, as you (like myself) dont understand the dynamics of your interactions. Even if you dont get back, I really think this will help you tremendously in your next relationship.

 

I was inspired to read it due to this thread - i do not totally agree with the OP about being as available as he is, and he eventually did call it quits. But the ideas are great especially while in a relationship.

 

 

[srman]

Her current bf was always in the picture while we were together, both her and myself knew he was after her even though he had a gf at the time. I wasn't surprised when i found out she liked him, i saw it coming. I played my part in driving her towards him, i lost my confidence and attractiveness and went all needy. I've been eating healthier and going to the gym a lot for the past two months which has done wonders for my confidence (also helps that im in a lot better shape than her bf) and have had other girls comment. Feels great now that im back to the way i was before the breakup, and having my balls back.

 

I told her after we broke up that i wanted her but didn't need her, i don't think she actually thought i was being serious. I refuse to be her best friend like i was while we dated. I plan on keeping my distance, and i defiantly don't plan on taking her back unless she is prepared to put the effort in. I don't even know if her and him are together, i assume they are ,in saying that i haven't gone onto her facebook or asked anyone about them.

 

Thanks for the link and ill have a look at the book

[doicare]

yeah do check out the book - it's super insightful even if it isnt written like a best selling novel. Im just about to start reading chapter 8 now. I got side tracked with some online dating. Im out of the country and it's a good distraction to keep my occupied for the 4 weeks im out of town. It's really insane though, not to mention a huge confidence boost. I get about 2 replies per 3 emails sent. the two dates i went on before i left, I killed them, but ultimately I had zero interest. now I have been a little more picky and I am emailing about 7-8 girls, and I have 3 girls I know personally/through friends/met at a party who have been waiting for me to initiate. It's honestly too much time commitment. Im not trying to brag, so please dont take it that way, but these girls arent quite falling over themselves for me, but it makes me feel like I got it going on. Im now hitting the gym, have a great job, and fun, smart and attractive. Yet my ex never ever seemed to really give me any kind of appreciation. head scratcher...

 

Anyways, sorry for the tangent SRMAN, I think the chips are stacked in your favour. I did the same thing when my ex would express feelings of doubt. I would say, if you're not feeling it, it's ok. I love you and want to be with you, but Im happy with my life, and if you're not feeling it, that's ok and that it's better she find someone she fits better with and I can find someone who loves me as much as I love them. I told her I want her to be happy, and if it wasnt with me, i would be happy knowing she found the right guy. That said, she would never break up with me.

 

It sounds like you have your head screwed on straight, and know exactly what you will and will not accept. Good stuff. Your posts are really an inspiration. Thanks for sharing and please keep us posted!

[srman]

Thanks DOICARE, i didn't see her much at work this week as i was away from work. However the few days i was in it was pretty much the same, she'd keep using any excuse to call me, i'd help her and leave. On one occasion she walked right up to me and asked softly if things were going to keep being like this and if i'd talk to her, to which i replyed i do talk to you at work, she said something along the lines of no you don't and how i ignore her, i told her i had to go and left. Her mother ran into me when i was out shopping who asked me about how my xmas/new years was, and brought up how her daughter has said i hadn't being as helpful at work as i once was. I laughed and told her others at work had commented on how much she calls me to help her. Her mother and i have always gotten on well compared to her other boyfriends present one included, was a bit weird though talking to my ex's mother so i said bye and left after a few min. One of my friends commented that she was still obsessed with me and still wanted me.

 

Her moods are fairly up and down, will be happy to see me one minute, later throw paperwork at me an walk off, i do find it a little amusing. I got home yesterday and had her blow up my phone with 10 calls/texts within 5-10 min, texts were a mixture of angry (with the occasional capitals, which is a big thing for her) and please talk to me's, i didn't bother replying. I assume it infuriated her more that one my phone i haven't turned off the read function so she would have seen that i'd read the messages straight after she'd sent them, and i she was probably crying.

 

Question i asked myself was i wonder if he (her bf) knows she's being texting me, and trying to get my attention at work. Backing off, minding my own business, essentially saying have fun with the new guy, and being happy/polite every time i see her has clearly gotten to her. I don't think it was the reaction she envisioned. When i look into her eyes i can tell what she's thinking, so i'll tailor my demeanour and either have a smile/grin on my face or be expressionless and uninterested. She can sense that the limited contact is effecting her more than me, yes it's getting to me or i wouldn't be posting on here but not to the same degree.

[mhowe]

She cannot stand that you are not paying attention.

I hope you are not doing this just to play games.

[srman]

She cannot stand that you are not paying attention.

I hope you are not doing this just to play games.

 

Im not playing games far from it, i mind my own business and never contact her. When i have to help her at work she i keep it professional and don't linger and talk about other stuff like we used to. I don't talk to her or her friends and boast about what i've been up to, flirt with her etc. She just knows i won't reply to her if she texts me, instead contacts me as she can at work.

[mhowe]

Good! Keep it up!

[srman]

I just don't understand why she isn't satisfied with the attention she is getting from her bf, he used to talk/text her a lot while we dated so its not like he's not giving her any and she never really cared about her other ex's when we first got together. She's being with him for two months i would have thought in the honeymoon stage its all about the new partner? im happy with the way things are currently we are both polite towards each other for the most part, and act professionally.

[srman]

At work today i was in a good mood and making people laugh, my ex included. Afterwards she sent me a message asking if we could catch up, how i make sure i see her unhappy, about being annoyed and jealous i would talk to her mum over her. Said "i miss you as much as i hate to admit it because i know you don't and i know your loving life or whatever", asked if i'd deleted her number. And later "i just need to know what your thinking. I just don't get it and im going insane, please stop ignoring me. Please just talk".

 

I replied once because im not going to lie i felt bad. I told her that perhaps we could catch up one day but now wasn't the right time, and that i wasn't thinking anything i respected her decision and backed off and moved on with my life. Her reply to this was "thats not fair" and how i'll never be an acquaintance to her.

 

I am not taking her saying she misses me to mean she wants me back, thats just delusional. I miss her too. The" i made sure she was unhappy" comment confused me a little, the only thing i do/don't do is not give her attention. When me and her were together she never organised to hangout with any of her ex's, if she ran into them she'd talk to them.

 

I think she's a little confused and trying to have the best of both worlds, well thats what i took from how its "not fair". I saw her at work the next day and every time i stepped into a room her eyes were straight on me and she made no effort to be subtle about it. As far as im concerned she made her choice, and im not staying on the back burner.

[srman]

Update: Saw my ex briefly at work two days back, she asked me a a question noticed her voice seemed a little down. Today had a friend of mine text me saying when he'd asked her how the relationship was going, and she'd said she was single. I guess i was right and it was a rebound they were together for 9/10 weeks, im not saying that she wants to get back together with me though.