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Is she having regrets or after a ego boost


srman

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hi i was wondering how you guys deal with your ex's when they keep trying to keep in contact with you. I've been in LC for the past 6 weeks with her, i never initiate contact. Her and i work together so its impossible not to see/have to talk to each other occasionally.

 

My ex and i broke but stayed in close contact for two months ago, things between us were awkward for much of that time, and she didn't want to go back to dating and just wanted to see how things went we went out for lunches etc. She told me 6 weeks ago that she had kissed this other guy a few days earlier and said she liked him.

 

She insisted we remain friends but i made it clear it was better for us if we just gave each other space. I mentioned the fact that she hadn't met up with any of her other ex's while we were together to which respond "you are extremely different.." She herself admitted that she was still way to attached to me. After 2-3 days of nc she sent me a text saying how she hadn't been able to sleep the previous few nights and had been having nightmares, how i was her best friend and how i was pathetic for moving on like this. Later that day she broke down in tears and i had to comfort her. One of my work colleagues mentioned that she had being referring to him as her boyfriend the day before. Several days later i saw her at work again and she would use any excuse to talk to me, and i tried to be polite and kept my answers minimal.

 

The first few weeks she would only try to contact me once a week, the past few weeks she's been contact me a lot more frequently, sometimes sending me pointless texts about how she bought a particular meal at this store we used to visit when we dated. She walked up to me said "you smell nice and you got a hair cut" and mentioned it again later, last weekend she commented on how arms are bigger. I've been trying to keep myself busy by hanging out with friends and in the last week she's been really curious as to what i did over xmas, what i've been up to etc. The past few weeks i've noticed every time i've seen her or had her contact me that she's not happy and has mood swings particularly when im involved, i initially thought it was just me, but other people have commented on it too. For instance she'll get angry at me for no reason and then 30min later apologise, and call me to help her even if their are others close by.

 

I've been working out, flirted and had fun with other girls and my confidence is back and i think she's noticed. I made all the mistakes i shouldn't have made, i acted pathetic and needy, occasionally i would fake being my old self and she would comment how it made her happy, and later say i "turned" when i got all needy. Im sort of at the stage where im happy without her, problem is all this contact from her of late has made me miss her, i don't know if she's having regrets or after an ego boost.

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...i don't know if she's having regrets or after an ego boost.

 

Probably. It seems you have started to move on so what you need to ask yourself is do you want to take her back with the possibility of her needing another 'ego boost' in the future? And are you willing to take that chance?

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Probably. It seems you have started to move on so what you need to ask yourself is do you want to take her back with the possibility of her needing another 'ego boost' in the future? And are you willing to take that chance?

 

Her and me for the most part had a good relationship, we both agreed on that. To be honest we both made mistakes, i got a little boring and took her for granted and stopped taking her out. The guy she's with is the polar opposite of me, im mature, in shape and smarter, he's a bit of a loser doesn't have a license (has tattoo's and smokes two things she dislikes) but he is fun. She's a few years younger than me and starting to get into the going out stage, where as im over it. I wouldn't easily take her back if she tried and i guess she'd have to prove to me that its worth another go and the issues we had could be sorted out.

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Well, if she's with someone else then my guess is the increased contact and the up and down is more likely that she's having a rough time with the current BF and is looking for a bit of validation/ego boost/nostalgia with you. Seeing you every day and seeing you moving on makes her upset in that a part of her consciously or not likely hoped you'd stay on a back burner/emotional buffer for her. Also it's not really rational, but yes often even if someone breaks up with you or has moved on to someone else they still will get jealous of the idea that you're moving on with other people.

 

All that really matters in the end is this: if they want you back they come to you without anyone else in their life and ask for you back. Anything else is just them playing games, because they don't have the backup/backburner in their pocket that they once did or they are letting nostalgia and wishful thinking about the past when things are hard in the present color their actions. Neither of these are reason enough for you to stay anything more than a polite coworker to her and to do low contact/no contact as best you can. All of my exes but one have tried to contact me after a breakup, sometimes months and even years after the break. It was always one of the two things mentioned here and in every case life was going badly for them in some way, so I was sort of the "comfort zone" for them. Not flattering and definitely not enough reason to try and reconcile or even stay friends, which is my call and not theirs.

 

Same with you.

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I've tried being fairly vague every time she asks about what I've been doing. For instance the other day I was out with friends at the beach and called in sick at work, she called and asked me a work related question, then later sent a text "So what are you doing today seeing as your not sick?" I debated replying and sent a reply 6hrs later saying "why so curious?" and immediately got a reply. When she commented about smelling good and getting a haircut the only thing I said was "I did" before walking away. I made the mistake of falling for breadcrumbs in the two months following our breakup I don't plan on repeating it. I defiantly don't plan on talking to her while she's with him.

 

I guess going out and interacting with new people lately has helped my confidence and I've had a few girls show interest in me so I'm not go running to her if she says she wants me.

 

Before we started dating she used to talk about how she's friends with all her ex's and talks to them, and didn't understand how I wasn't. My ex used to comment about how much her mother loves me compared to her other ex's, her mother however doesn't like her current bf, which I think hurts her.

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This is deff an ego boost, she is just using you for comfort while she is banging some new guy. I don't understand why you even care, you sound like a push over to me just listening to her crap all the time and letting her confide in you. You need to grow a pair, steel preferibly and then reguardless of work relationships or not just keep it business with her, 100 percent of the time. Don't respond to texts, the fact that she is calling you needy is deff a red flag, this does not mean she wants to get back with you, you need to X her out of your life brother.

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This is deff an ego boost, she is just using you for comfort while she is banging some new guy. I don't understand why you even care, you sound like a push over to me just listening to her crap all the time and letting her confide in you. You need to grow a pair, steel preferibly and then reguardless of work relationships or not just keep it business with her, 100 percent of the time. Don't respond to texts, the fact that she is calling you needy is deff a red flag, this does not mean she wants to get back with you, you need to X her out of your life brother.

 

I haven't really listened to her, every time she's had one of her emotional moments and tried to reach out I've told her that she needs to talk to him and that I I'm to busy with my own life, which she hates. I have put my foot down. I'm not going to lie I went from being the confident guy she fell in love with to pushover for the last few months, but as soon as she told me she kissed him I thought to myself f this and stopped initiating contact immediately. I don't plan on being her emotional crutch

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Your initial question was if people kept in contact with their ex's after breakup. I think the answer to that would depend on what context the relationship ended. If it was a mutual, amicable break up, I don't see why being in contact or staying friends would hurt. But if it ended with hurt feelings or betrayal I don't think staying in touch does anyone any good.

In your case, I would say she's keeping in contact with you to try and keep some sort of hold over you. If you don't feel good keeping in touch, then don't do it. You owe her nothing. And the way to stop it is by NOT responding to her texts and phone calls no matter how emotional she may get. Unless, of course, you've accepted her being with someone else emotionally and physically and it doesn't bother you in the least.

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Your initial question was if people kept in contact with their ex's after breakup. I think the answer to that would depend on what context the relationship ended. If it was a mutual, amicable break up, I don't see why being in contact or staying friends would hurt. But if it ended with hurt feelings or betrayal I don't think staying in touch does anyone any good.

In your case, I would say she's keeping in contact with you to try and keep some sort of hold over you. If you don't feel good keeping in touch, then don't do it. You owe her nothing. And the way to stop it is by NOT responding to her texts and phone calls no matter how emotional she may get. Unless, of course, you've accepted her being with someone else emotionally and physically and it doesn't bother you in the least.

 

The breakup was not exactly mutual, i had thoughts of breaking up with her a two months before we broke up, but thought we were going through a rough patch due to commitments and that assumed since we both had holidays coming up we could resolve our issues. She said hadn't felt the same and i asked her if she wanted to break up and she said yes. I did the whole pathetic begging and needy stuff for the first week, when realisation hit, she said she was still attracted to me and wasn't sure if she'd made the right decision and we both agreed to go out on casual coffee's/lunches. I was both her boyfriend and best friend while we dated, even her mother said to me she doesn't see her current bf being more than a friend. In a way i think she'd trying to hold on to me because she misses the emotional support i used to give her, her crying about me not being her best friend a few days into LC/NC, and her calling me first when she was emotional sort of reinforced that.

 

Im not going to lie, im not at the stage where if i saw them together kissing etc where i wouldn't care, but in saying that i don't think about what they are up to nor care. I don't feel good in touch, while i get this momentary ego boost maybe from a sense of regaining some power, but i end up thinking about her more for the rest of the day. Yes i might be open to reconciliation in the future, which is why im not sure if i should remain polite and reply or if i should just ignore

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Well, maybe she's trying to hold onto her 'best friend'. If your content being just that then continue talking to her. This way she has both you, her best friend and emotional supporter, and HIM her boyfriend, companion, and sex partner.

Personally, I couldn't do it. And knowing you still have feelings for her I don't think you can either.

Yes, getting texts/phone calls from her is an ego boost, but you have to ask yourself if that is worth the emotional turmoil you go through after the fact.

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Well, maybe she's trying to hold onto her 'best friend'. If your content being just that then continue talking to her. This way she has both you, her best friend and emotional supporter, and HIM her boyfriend, companion, and sex partner.

Personally, I couldn't do it. And knowing you still have feelings for her I don't think you can either.

Yes, getting texts/phone calls from her is an ego boost, but you have to ask yourself if that is worth the emotional turmoil you go through after the fact.

 

I never knew her prior to dating her, i took an interest in her so approached her and told her i was interested in her and wanted to get to know her. I became her best friend over the course of our relationship, and from what she told me i was the only bf she's been that open with/close to. Thing is she was my best friend also, i confided everything in her. Im defiantly not content doing that and she knows that, when she initially told me about him i took it well and wished her luck, but told her i was done. i get the ego boost from her but i don't feel i really return it, especially when she compliments me at work i just smile and walk away. Even when she texts im slow to reply usually don't even answer her question and only reply once with a few words and stop replying after that. Its strange i always seem to get texts from her when im out with my friends enjoying myself, and when she's out of my mind.

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You really need to stop responding. Every time you respond you enable her.

 

Well then, I would say keep doing what you're doing and what you can live with.

 

Ideally if i had the option of working in another building i would take it, i don't go out of my way to avoid her in some situations i have to talk to her but i keep it purely business related, although she try's bring up her personal life. For instance yesterday she came up to me and said she had to tell me something funny her mother did, to which i just replied "ok". I guess im worried that me ignoring her will show her i really haven't moved on, i'd rather come off as being more carefree. The contact i've being getting from her hasn't effect me as much as contact from her the first few weeks. The fact that i didn't see their relationship lasting that long in the first place doesn't help, nor the fact that she's made it clear she'd like to meet up in the future if both of us are single. Im content enjoying single life, and if by any chance my ex came back and i had to choose between her and another girl i'd go for the new girl.

 

I agree I should stop replying to texts, as all of them have been fairly pointless

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I'd have to agree with you quite a few other people have said they must be fighting or reality has hit, because of all the contact from her lately. I don't think I've ever contacted a ex when I'm in a new relationship. Every time she's seen me talk to a moderately attractive girl I've seen her staring from a distance.

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I skrewed up today, she was acting funny today and was really happy every time i saw her at work. I left the building on my break and she asked me later why i left and i just smiled and said just did or something along those lines. She rolled her eyes at my response and i told her not to roll her eyes at me, she said something and i told her she needs to quit being so wound up. Later she saw me and said "did you ever think its wasnt you thats winding me up" an i said " i never said it was me, i just said you were wound up" after i said that her mood sort of changed and she didn't seem happy. Later in the day i had to help her with something and she was really happy and kept saying "thank you". She texted me after work and said "thank you so much, you didn't have to do that" i didn't reply though. She was also getting a little touchy with me at work and one of my other coworkers commented on it. Her behaviour is confusing me to say the least

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She needs to be able to get over you first if you want any chance at a healthy friendship or just an acquaintance in general. For HER you need to avoid feeding her when she flirts with you, if she can get over you and see her flaws and you do the same then you guys can really start to heal and feel less resentful with each other. If whenever you see her at work you feel like your walking on eggshells i can tell you that you haven't forgiven her in your heart.

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She needs to be able to get over you first if you want any chance at a healthy friendship or just an acquaintance in general. For HER you need to avoid feeding her when she flirts with you, if she can get over you and see her flaws and you do the same then you guys can really start to heal and feel less resentful with each other. If whenever you see her at work you feel like your walking on eggshells i can tell you that you haven't forgiven her in your heart.

 

To be honest i don't think either one of us is resentful towards each other, we both realise we had a positive impact on each others lives. I don't feel like im walking on eggshells, the first week maybe i did but since then i couldn't careless. I tend to treat her no differently to any other person (apart from the limited contact), i don't go out of my way for her nor do i go above and beyond. I would have thought she was over me since she's in another relationship?

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She is upset that you are ambivalent towards her. It is crushing her ego.

 

Your probably right, she is attractive and smart and a lot of guys are after her even at work, me not really giving a damn she isnt used to, especially since i would do anything for her while we were together.

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