Need some advice

[Jay98]

I've been officially broken up from my ex about a year and a half now, it was abusive and I became depressed with him towards the end because so many bad things had happened. I still loved him and was a wreck when he ended it, but part of me was glad to get myself back.

 

He messed with my head for a year after blocking me from his life for 8 months.

 

I've been good so far; haven't snooped online or felt the need to (the occasional pang now and then but never enough to actually load his twitter or something). Is this a sign of moving on? Just not feeling interested enough to check their online activity? If he text me, I know now not to respond because I went through being told I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him to ditched 4 TIMES over this year and I'm not going through it again. I saw a picture of him (an old one) while scrolling through pics of a mutual friend, and felt slightly upset but it was more like anger and frustration that I let THAT person screw me up so bad. I miss his good natures side but I know that's not all he was. I did so much for him even when he was messing with my head, and got treated like a piece of meat. Sometimes it seemed like all he cared about was sex. Then he'd blow extreme hot and cold; from cuddling me in tears saying I was the love of his life to telling me to eff off and good riddence. As for the abuse, it was all kinds but mostly verbal. Calling me a w**re and swearing at me a lot. His parents also were a huge influence and straight out ignored me and pushed me away from them to protect their 'innocent little boy' whereas my family would speak to us both and help us. That hurt so much and I felt incredibly alone.

 

Basically I just want to give it that final push to put him and our relationship in the past. But I'm afraid to. I know life is about risk and you win some you lose some, and I'm good at adapting to changes, but when it comes to men I get afraid now. A guy has recently shown interest and is lovely. We have a lot in common, he is social and funny, we have the same circle of friends and his family are so lovely to me. I met them last week and when I left they told him I was welcome anytime and "she is lovely, very pleasant to speak to!". I never had this with my exes family. They just ignored me, ed about me behind my back, called me awful things, and if I were in the same room as his dad he wouldn't even turn to look at me no matter how hard I tried, it put a huge strain on our relationship. I also wasn't invited to family occasions...once on purpose and for no reason. I later found out my exes dad looked at incest porn and I was thrown out of the house for crying over losing my sister to cancer when I was going through my own scare. I should have left at that point..

 

Basically I'm trying so hard to move on. I'd love a companion. But something is holding me back. What is it? I think I'm doing well. Haven't cried in months and my career, art and social life has flourished and I am so happy. Apart from my love life. I feel like his ghost is stopping me finding love.

[Ms Darcy]

Don't try to force yourself to date if you haven't moved on and feel so much fear. There is no rush. Really. You will regret dating before you are ready. That almost always blows up in your face.

[Jay98]

In what way? I'm never getting back with him and I'm not interested in him or his life anymore. I only care about how he treated me, but I'd like to have a companion/partner and I get on great with this guy...

[firefly2613]

Go for the new guy but be honest with him and go slow

 

There's no use letting your ex control you any longer.

[Ms Darcy]

I only care about how he treated me, but I'd like to have a companion/partner and I get on great with this guy...

 

You yourself said things to indicate you are not ready, such as:

 

"I just want to give it that final push to put him and our relationship in the past. But I'm afraid to."

"when it comes to men I get afraid now."

 

You can want it all day, but if you are not ready you are very likely not to know how to handle opportunities.

[Jay98]

Thanks for your input. I'm just sick and tired of feeling like somehow he has this sort of control over me, like he can come back and screw me up and then just decide for no reason to block me and ignore me when things arnet going HIS way. Hell even when they were, it was not enough. I did so much for him after being treated like utter dirt and dare I say it, I hate him for it now. How LITTLE respect and consideration he has for me. He built me up with promises of a happy future (marriage, kids etc) THREE times and each of those times he tore it down within days or weeks after. I'm just so angry with it all and I hate that I am. I want to not care, and tell him to off if he ever comes near me again!

 

I shouldn't feel afraid to live my life and give people who have genuine interest in me a chance. Him and his father treated me so awfully. This guy is lovely and last night he even cuddles with me while I had some friends over (him included) to play the ps4. I have even met his family and he says they adore me. I may not be 100% after what that jerk did to me, after the year and a half of hell he put me through, but I shouldn't let that influence any possibility of me being happy, surely?

 

I do feel happy alone, like I said I love my job, friends, art and so fourth. I don't NEED a partner, but at the same time id just like to let someone in.

 

I can't stand my ex anymore. My friends say they saw him in town yesterday before they met up with me. If I saw him I think I'd just blank him now. He's dead to me. I just can't believe I let him do what he did and almost ruin a year of my life when he knew I had important things happening. He turned everyone in his family against me because I ended his hot/cold spurts earlier this year after he went NUTS with jealousy over something I did when I was a teenager before I even knew him!!! I had to end it because id paid a lot of money to travel the USA and he was driving me back into depression! But he was happy to tell me how parents thought I was 'crazy' for it!

 

He's just SO CRUEL and I'm SICK of thinking that in some form he is still controlling what I do now! My life is no longer any of his business and I shouldn't let him have a say even through the emotions that linger.

[Jay98]

He told my friend too that he felt 'guilty' for what he's done to me. That makes me feel pitied and small, and I am a strong and independent person. Having someone 'pity' me is such a damn insult and that makes me angrier than anything else.

[Jay98]

Finally broke down earlier and text him. I said "Can we talk?". No reply. I wasn't really expecting one.

 

Feeling worthless.

[Ms Darcy]

Finally broke down earlier and text him. I said "Can we talk?". No reply. I wasn't really expecting one.

 

Feeling worthless.

 

Look at how much space he is renting in your head. You do now accept that you are not ready to date?

[Jay98]

Look at how much space he is renting in your head. You do now accept that you are not ready to date?

 

He has ruined over a year of my life making me feel like the luckiest girl on the planet and tearing it all down over and over again. I just want it to stop, I want to stop feeling like I'm so worthless, disposable and weak. Tonight is the first time I've cried in months, and he is happy. He can get on with things and just leave me in the gutter and this is the third time it's happened. I feel like I'm worth nothing and I'm letting him get away with it with a smile on his face. I just want the pain to bloody stop!! I'm a human being. Not a piece of meat he can use for sex then dispose of when it gets too serious for his liking. Gods sake it's been over a year!! I was moving on alright until he showed up again and told me he wanted a future and sat there and LIED over and over, got what he wanted then blocked me!!

 

Why do I not deserve to be happy !!!???

[sharky988]

You DO deserve to be happy. And you'll find happiness in your own life as well as in other relationships.

 

Pretty much the ONLY thing you can do to prevent your happiness is contact this abusive douche of an ex and get back together with him.

 

Give yourself more time to get over this loser. Rushing into a new relationship with someone who clearly wasn't knocking your socks off ISN'T the answer. Many people do find comfort in rebounds, but as you've experienced it often only makes you miss your ex more to be with someone before you're ready

 

I'd also recommend changing your cell number so your ex can't answer your text or reach you by phone.

[Ms Darcy]

You and you only control how you move on. Holding on to the anger only hurts you. He is happy. So only you suffer.

 

If you can stop thinking of your time together as him stealing from you and more like a relationship teacher for you ... that is a first step.

[Jay98]

I understand. I don't want to be angry, I just feel used and thrown away like trash, and for me this is hard because before all of this I was a strong person, who had a lot to give. I catch myself being negative now and thinking negatively rather than positively. I noticed this recently when everytime a person would ask how my weekend went, I'd ramble about something bad or rant about something. This isn't me?! I had all this on my mind when driving my nan around in the car yesterday and I took wrong turns and forgot my usual route home!

 

Is this normal? To just feel deflated like the weight of feeling like this is pressing down on you. I have to force myself to write my book some days, and before any of this, it was my passion. Illustrating and writing were the things that I adored and made me whole. I began violin lessons recently too and I don't even feel like picking it up to practice because I just feel worthless.

 

Will this go away?

[Jay98]

What should I do if he contacts in the future? I still love him but I was moving on fine until he did it before, it took me months to make that progress and he tore it down. My head and heart are in turmoil.

 

What does he mean when he says "I can't make it work" DAYS after crying that he can't live without me and that I am the love of his life?!

[Ms Darcy]

Will this go away?

 

Feeling bad doesn't always just go away. You have to do work to help yourself feel better.

 

Exercise. Medidate. Spend time with friends and family. Get new hobbies. Get some therapy. Sleep well. Journal. Pray. Do self-affirmations.

 

Here are some affirmations you can repeat/write down (without downloading the author's book): link removed

[Ms Darcy]

What should I do if he contacts in the future? I still love him but I was moving on fine until he did it before, it took me months to make that progress and he tore it down. My head and heart are in turmoil.

 

What does he mean when he says "I can't make it work" DAYS after crying that he can't live without me and that I am the love of his life?!

 

You should be in no contact with him.

[Jay98]

We have been in NC for just over a month now. I'm not expecting anyone even though people are telling me they expect him to reach out. Even if he did, it would be for his benefit. It has three times now. I love him despite everything, and I don't know why, most girls would have ran ages ago.

[Jay98]

Anything* damn autocorrect.

 

I miss what we had so bad but I can't keep focusing on the good anymore. It's bringing me down.

[H3nk1]

Anything* damn autocorrect.

 

I miss what we had so bad but I can't keep focusing on the good anymore. It's bringing me down.

 

Sounds like a (light) depression? I know all to well what that does to absolutely all thoughts and feelings. I think you have made great progress though! You are active and clearly smart. I admire the progress you have made! Especially from the vantage point of utter gloom where I am today.

[Jay98]

I'm sorry you are going through a hard time what happened?

 

Thank you for your kind words. It's my problem that I take things too personally, my friend saw him in town and had a chat to him. He told me he said "I won't say you can do better than Laura because that's cold but you will find someone better for you, you both will." He told me he didn't mean it in a derogatory sense but I worry my ex may think of it that way and it gave him an ego boost . Which is funny because he never thought he was good enough for me.

 

I don't know why I care so much what he thinks, like he validates me. Do you stop caring after a while?

[Jay98]

Really miss him tonight for hell knows what reason.

 

Mostly disgusted that he probably pities me and doesn't care. That he did all this and gets away with it.

[Lucha]

Really miss him tonight for hell knows what reason.

 

Mostly disgusted that he probably pities me and doesn't care. That he did all this and gets away with it.

 

I miss her too. And she's probably out having fun not thinking about me. This anger you feel is normal I guess.. Let yourself feel it. In your head have a conversation with him in which you say all ugly things you want. Just don't say them out loud or even text them. Write them down here instead. We're all going through the same sh*t.

[Jay98]

I just wish I was strong enough a year ago to tell him to get lost when he entered my life again. Thing is everyone is telling me he will contact again someday. After Xmas for sure, I need to have my wits about me this time. Nothing changes.

[Grissum71]

Only you can control your own destiny, you want your freedom back? The feeling that no one has control over you ? Then it's time to grab the bull by the horns and do something about it... and you know what that is