Friend (Lady)...how often should I call?

[Geobronc]

I have a friend who is a lady, younger then I by 10 years. Her kids love me to death and I enjoy spending time talking with her and sometimes we go out as a group with some of her other friends to play pool, dance, and just talk. She has lots of guy friends, about 90% of her friends are men, some married and some not. She is friends with my wife a little but more of my friend. We have a lot in common, so much I am somewhat attracted to her...well...I am attracted to her a lot actually but would be unfaithful to my wife.

 

The question: How ofter should I call her to talk? I dont want to come accross as going after her. She seems the type that likes to pursue men, but told me that she wants to stop screwing around and not have sex with anyone until she meets Mr. Right. She really likes sex and is having a problem with meeting the right guy. She once said to me all the good ones are already married and then gave me that look like I wish you were not married. I want her to be happy and I dont want to lose her friendship. My marriage has never been really good. My wife and I are really not very compatible, but I love her. We are seeing a marriage councelor also every other month.

[Yorkrose23]

Concentrate on your own marriage. You cannot help others until you help yourself. If this woman really is your friend, then be a friend. Don't confuse her and yourself at the present time. Focus on your relationship issues. Limit your contact with this woman until you have figured things out with your wife.

[Celadon]

Yes, I agree with the previous poster. This situation is just asking for trouble. You are attracted to her, her kids love you to pieces and you talk about things like sex with her. You already seem emotionally invested in her, and probably not just as a friend.

 

It will be difficult to make progress in your marriage if you are dallying on the side emotionally. I wonder how you would feel if the situation were reversed, and your wife had a guy friend to whom she felt attracted and interested?

 

This is a difficult situation, but I encourage you to put renewed energy into your marriage and back off of calling this other woman.

[Geobronc]

Good advice. Thank you. Now how can I make my marriage and sex life with my wife more exciting when we are so different. She and I have different tastes in what we like to do for fun and she is much more conservative with how our sex is. I am open to explore each other in every way, while she is the typical missionary position or maybe one more.

Also, I have got myself back into great physical shape, lost about 40lbs and have tried to make myself more attractive to her, but she has had some reluctance to do the same for me. She thinks I should just take her as she is. I am not trying to be insensitive, but, how can I improve our marriage if she is not willing to change herself a little and for us to become more willing to try what the other likes to do as far as spending time together?

[Celadon]

Hm, Geobronc, yours is a challenging situation. From what you write, it seems as though your wife feels okay about having a lackluster relationship -- is this so? Is the situation that you are unhappy and want the marriage to change, and she doesn't feel there's anything wrong?

 

IF so, I think you guys should consider seeing the therapist more than once every two months. If you are perpetually unhappy, this is something that needs to be addressed by her *now*. IMHO.

 

Have you tried developing common interests -- something you may both have had some interest in, but never explored? Back in the day, I recall my parents taking classes together -- their interests are like night and day, but they found something they had in common.

 

What about volunteering? When couples do things for others instead of themselves, it has a way of uniting them. Just a suggestion.