Low self esteem and ignoring red flags.

[deejay74]

Something dawned on my over the weekend that actually helped me move on a few steps. Forgive me if this is quite

obvious to some of you.

 

Firstly, my ex was a very pretty woman (she's white). She would get so many compliments when she took pics of herself on line and when my friends and family saw her. Her constantly putting pics of herself online and getting comments was a red flag that I ignored.

 

In fact, there were so many red flags that I ignored that in hindsight, that if I had enough self esteem, I would've walked away one of the 5 times she dumped me (another red flag).

 

I'm not going to list all the red flags I noticed because there were many, but I am just trying to point out the fact that I overlooked them partly because of my low self esteem. Without sounding shallow, I think *part* of her looks is what kept me coming back

 

Don't get me wrong, there were other traits about her that I loved: she was very unique, was really into korean pop culture and she updated/brought be back to mine (i'm half-korean), she had a good sense of style, she took good care of herself physically, she was smart, an artist, etc, etc. Not only that, I was very much in love with her and loved her. I loved doing things for her and basically taking care of her. She would do nice things for me as well, although I believe I sacrificed and made many more compromises than she did (possibly another red flag). She felt like she didn't have to make any, and sometimes when I tried to set boundaries, she said I was being controlling.

 

When we were together physically, I felt so good and it seemed like she did too. I felt so good I would forget about the red flags and some of the things she did. I also never would've left her. But she broke up with me 5 times (more red flags) and unfortunately, this 5th time was the last time. Which tells me she was never committed to me. Even though she was adamant that she was so committed to me and tried to be good to me, while she was emotionally cheating on me online with a "BFF" she had sexual relations with before she met me, but not after.

 

Part of the difficulty in my progress was feeling that I could never find someone as beautiful as her, but who's more beautiful on the inside. I am an asian looking male and that's worked against me many times when it comes to dating. But my therapist wanted to remind me that clearly I am capable of finding someone physically attractive and that I can find someone again. But that fact the she really like Korean guys and loved pop Korean culture is one feature about her I've never had before and maybe will never find again. Being an Asian male it today's society is more difficult than non-asian guys as far as dating is concernedzx, but in the past 5 years or so, it's gotten easier as Asian males are being portrayed as "sexy" in the media. Also, when I am on link removed, i rarely see Asian as an ethnic preference that women are looking for. But this is another topic for discussion.

 

Something else I recalled recently are 2 separate emails. One from my sister and one from my good friend. Both were 2 different times when my ex broke up with me. The first was an email exchange between my ex and me and why she was upset with me. I forwarded it to my sister and she read it and warned me there's something "not quite right" about my ex and said I should just walk away, but I didn't. The other email was one that I showed to my friend which was an apology letter for one of the other times she broke up with me. And he even asked if I was so sure I want to get back together with someone who's so "flippant" about breaking up with me. I didn't listen, or didn't want to listen, because of my low self esteem and/or my desire to be loved.

 

I just wanted to share this with anyone who might've gone though a similar experiences.

 

Again, I don't want to sound shallow because her looks were not the only thing that made me fall in love with her. And it took me a long time to accept this because I don't consider myself a shallow person. Looks are the only thing that it's important to me, personality, intelligence, and character are others. And my ex certainly had intelligence and personality, but her character now is in question.

 

But my self esteem took a big hit and now I have to rebuild it.

 

Of course I am still sad about the BU and I still think about what she's up to and/or if she misses me. But I do believe I have taken a step forward in moving on.

[FindingClarity]

I also ignored a lot of red flags in my last relationship. I wouldn't even tell people about some of the stuff cos I knew they would advise me to stop seeing him. I am now trying to work really hard on learning about myself and improving my self esteem so that I don't make the same mistakes again and so that I can be happy whether I am with someone or alone. Good luck on rebuilding yours!

 

Oh, and Asian guys are definitely cute! - lol

[deejay74]

I also ignored a lot of red flags in my last relationship. I wouldn't even tell people about some of the stuff cos I knew they would advise me to stop seeing him. I am now trying to work really hard on learning about myself and improving my self esteem so that I don't make the same mistakes again and so that I can be happy whether I am with someone or alone. Good luck on rebuilding yours!

 

Oh, and Asian guys are definitely cute! - lol

 

thank you! are you from the states?

[FindingClarity]

I am in the UK deejay!

[deejay74]

I am in the UK deejay!

 

That's what I thought. In the UK it's different and I love it. I've always seen all races date each other but in the US, it's not like that. Especially in the south.