I want my EX back, but I want you guys opinion

[mike650]

Okay i'm new to this site, but would love some advice from you guys. I apologize in advance if its long.

So I was with my Ex-girlfriend for about 4 years, and everything seemed to be going great. The last year although got a little bit rocky. Like all couples we had our arguments. We broke up about a month and a half ago and i've been doing no contact, but still have contact with her family because we live so close. Our break was a bit on the weirder side, because we were laughing the whole time, and the next day she even texted me to hang out because "she misses me" we hung out and everything went great (best date we had since we started going out), but in the end I asked if we can stay together and she said no. This hurt me more then anything. What she said was "It has always been me and you, I want to find myself...I feel judged, but maybe our lives will cross in the future". We have mutual friends and they always tell me how she is constantly asking how/what i'm doing and that she talks about me a lot. I obviously still love her and i'm working on myself, but ill have random days where I cannot stop thinking about her and just cry all day. I don't tell anyone about those days, but they hurt when they come. My birthday was 3 weeks after the breakup and she texted me "happy birthday" in which I replied "thanks" just to end the convo, but she continued texting me saying "I hope you have a good one..I care about you" I eventually texted her saying "I found some of your stuff at my house that you might want back" and she said "I got somethings for you too just give me a few days." We didn't talk until I texted her two days ago because something that happened that day really reminded me of her, she responded very positively and we were texting for a bit. She then said "Remember the stuff you had for me? well I got your stuff ready let me know when your free". I've lost 30 pounds in this month and a half and feel very confident, but even when I see a picture of her all my emotions come pouring out. I don't want to just lose it when I see her. I've been looking online and have been listening to a bunch of people by saying date other people, but although I can get a girls phone number I feel as if I was cheating on her still. I know this makes no sense, but I can't help it. I try to constantly tell myself she broke up with you, why would you even want to be with someone like that? But I answer myself with because you love her.

 

My question for you guys is do you think there is hope with my EX and should I even bother? also her birthday is tomorrow and I don't really know what to do. She also said when we broke up that when we would fight I would get her flowers to make everything better. I really want her back, but I'm at a crossroads and have no idea what to do. thanks in advance you guys!

[surfjon]

She's stepped out for now, give the space .....let her "find herself" whatever that means.......

 

Mine did the same...blahblah..."need to figure out what I want", "I'm not sure", and sll this after nearly 5 freaking years.......

 

She's basically asked for "a break", but it's been my experience both in my life, and from anecdotal evidence here, that it is in reality a "breakup".....

 

Let go or be dragged, maybe she comes back......mine did after 6 months, but I ended it again 2 months later as the ambivalence and uncertainty crept back in.....

 

 

For me, any time a girl needs "space" or to "figure things out", I'm done with her......

 

No more second chances.........she made the decision so good-bye.....

[Edmund Exley]

She's stepped out for now, give the space .....let her "find herself" whatever that means.......

 

Mine did the same...blahblah..."need to figure out what I want", "I'm not sure", and sll this after nearly 5 freaking years.......

 

She's basically asked for "a break", but it's been my experience both in my life, and from anecdotal evidence here, that it is in reality a "breakup".....

 

Let go or be dragged, maybe she comes back......mine did after 6 months, but I ended it again 2 months later as the ambivalence and uncertainty crept back in.....

 

 

For me, any time a girl needs "space" or to "figure things out", I'm done with her......

 

No more second chances.........she made the decision so good-bye.....

 

This ^^^^^^

 

Don't be something someone needs to "Make up their mind" about

[DancingFool]

You don't need a break to find yourself or figure things out when you are with the right person. Yes, she dumped you. The confusing part is always that even for the dumper, there is remorse and loneliness and days when you wonder if you made a huge mistake. On those days, they'll contact you and be super nice to you and so on. In some ways, you just can't turn off caring about someone in a day after being four years with them. The problem is that she doesn't care enough to want to be with you. I'd just go full no contact, grieve, do my best to move on. Don't agree to be her safety net while she moves on because she will, and you will still be stuck in a mess she is leaving behind.

 

Feeling weird, feeling like you are cheating on her, etc. - all very normal initially after a four year relationship. You just have to keep pushing through those feelings and getting more comfortable being your own person. It's not easy and it does take time, work, and some willpower at times.

[doicare]

Move on, the sooner you do, the better for you. I say that because it's crucial at this stage for 1) your sanity and 2) getting your ex to ever reconsider you.

 

Right now by being emotionally available to your ex, you are giving her the support she needs to get over you. And Im sure you're acting rather weak around her, so it's best to disappear for a month or even better two to three. If you look up my post "well I got some answers" I suggest you do something along those lines.

 

People want what they can't have, and right now she knows she has you. become emotionally distant (aloof), and do your best to make her think you're moving on, maybe even dating (dont lie though). The only way to do this is go NC. I think you need to wish her the best, then tell her you need some space to get over her. Be a man about it, not a jerk. If she still has feelings of attraction for you, 50% or more, she will maybe reconsider.

 

In the meantime, really, truly try to move on. Heal your heart and focus on rediscovering the things you love about yourself. The likelihood of her coming back is probably not high, so dont count on it.

 

I feel your pain, my ex just pulled the same crap on me after 3.5 years a couple weeks back. I told her I need time to move on, and didnt want to be friends. It sucks, and I feel empty and sad.

 

But women are attracted to men who are men, who can make decisions and not subject themselves to emotional torture. Dont beg or plead anymore, just give her exactly what she wants (space) though no friendship It's like the car salesman, she knows she can either buy the car today, or it may not be there tomorrow. If you give her 6 months to think about it and become her emotional safety blanket during the process, if you're still that car on the lot, I can guarantee while you gather dust her attraction wont grow for you.

 

By distancing yourself you are giving her space to miss you. If she contacts you even still, just tell her (hours to a day later), that it's better if you dont talk for the time being. She wants you to have feelings for her. If she thinks you're trying to forget her, she may reconsider.

 

I say this to give you the best chance to reconcile, but also not to make a fool of yourself. Truly though, you need to focus on getting over her. The sooner the better. By moving away, it's the only way to achieve any of these results.

[sharky988]

Move on for YOU, for real.... don't just go through the motions to try and get your ex back.

[emma34]

It seems that so many young people have to go through this same situation now a days. I know that doesn't make your heart break any less real but this is like...so very common. And when you say your break up is "weird" - it's not....it's actually very typical.

 

You can take one of two paths. You can take the path of still trying to be friends, still trying to reconnect, maintaining contact...this is a very casual approach to finding love...this path will probably find you still single or with really messed up relationships going forward, or perhaps back together with her and broken up a few more times and a lot of heartbreak because she hasn't decided. There is a chance this could work out well for you...it's just unlikely. Or you can go No Contact...which to me says that you, as a person, value and respect relationship and love, and you will not let someone come into your life half a**...they are either in, or they are not, that is her choice. I think this will find you healed faster and better equipped to share your life with someone new when the right person comes along...

 

You gave her a choice. She made it. If you are unsure...try ONE more time. Explain her all this and say 'i want to be with you...now...i'm not willing to wait'. You don't want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with you now. If she says no, thats it...

[doicare]

Do NOT try one more time - I highly recommend you do NOT do that. She already said no, I can assure you, that you will regret it if you do. Best thing you can do is go NC, please trust me on this. Ive been through this a few times, asking to get back together never ever works.

[doicare]

Move on for YOU, for real.... don't just go through the motions to try and get your ex back.

 

Sharky, I agree with you. I guess I try and sympathize with the dumpee because I know how vulnerable they are, as I am now. And ofc there is a strong urge to make it work.

 

The thing is we need to point out the only way to go, and to avoid begging the ex, which always results in further rejection. In a few weeks they will realize it, im just trying to point out the best option to get them see that NC is best for either of the options to realize itself the soonest.

[sharky988]

Many times people try to use No Contact as a game or manipulative tool to get their exes back..... rather than accept that the relationship is over, which is understandable because usually after a breakup the LAST thing people want to do is accept that it's over.

 

But people who are focused on getting their ex back shouldn't be doing No Contact. No Contact is for healing from a breakup.... for getting yourself back. NOT to try and manipulate your ex by showing them how much you've changed or grown.... or trying to make them miss you. People can go on for months in NC, still clinging to the belief this will bring their ex back somehow and NOT doing what they need to do to move on.

[Edmund Exley]

Many times people try to use No Contact as a game or manipulative tool to get their exes back..... rather than accept that the relationship is over, which is understandable because usually after a breakup the LAST thing people want to do is accept that it's over.

 

But people who are focused on getting their ex back shouldn't be doing No Contact. No Contact is for healing from a breakup.... for getting yourself back. NOT to try and manipulate your ex by showing them how much you've changed or grown.... or trying to make them miss you. People can go on for months in NC, still clinging to the belief this will bring their ex back somehow and NOT doing what they need to do to move on.

 

That's because the first thing they do in a desperate search to find a way to get them back is Google "How can I get my ex back" and BOOM ebook after ebook for only $29.95 saying "Don't contact them for 30 days, work out, go on dates and then they will remember how great you are and you will have them back!"

 

The only winners are the people selling the book.

[doicare]

true, at least by getting distance though they are at least removed from the drama of having their hearts raked over the coal.

 

I still have a little hope my ex will come back, but it's only been barely a week. But as the week has progressed, ive been feeling much better about the situation and the reality of the break up is more tolerable from the initial shock.

[sharky988]

That's because the first thing they do in a desperate search to find a way to get them back is Google "How can I get my ex back" and BOOM ebook after ebook for only $29.95 saying "Don't contact them for 30 days, work out, go on dates and then they will remember how great you are and you will have them back!"

 

The only winners are the people selling the book.

 

It's sad and true!

[sharky988]

I still have a little hope my ex will come back, but it's only been barely a week. But as the week has progressed, ive been feeling much better about the situation and the reality of the break up is more tolerable from the initial shock.

 

It gets easier, but it takes a while.

[SooSad33]

4 years is a long time together. You've recently suffered a sad event in your life. The break up of a long term relationship, so you will NEED some time to 'accept' and 'heal' from this now.

 

I suggest you do not run out to search for another one, until you are much over this one, otherwise you will mess up your head and heart even more.

It can take a good while to get over something like this... months or more. You WILL feel hurt, angry, confused, in denial, sadness etc, during the next few months.

 

IF this is now over for you guys, in order for YOU to heal, i suggest no more contact & to leave her be.

In time, this may help get her back (being absent in her life, totally).. or it may not. Either way, it will help YOU out in working to accept & get over her.

 

As you work on accepting what has occurred, you can now work on yourself as well. Work on your head & heart and aim at getting better, able to move on again in your life and 'happy' with yourself again.

 

I dont see why you can't just text her b-day wishes... but I suggest, from then on, to leave all alone. I KNOW it will be hard, but in order for you to get over this.. the less contact, the better.

 

Take care

[surfjon]

Mike....ya hit the "ena jackpot"...

 

Ya got all the right people here telling ya straight........folks who know....

 

hell....we've all been thru it, I'm proud to say that I made it thru twice now, both times with my friends here........

 

Peace to you.

[sophi3]

is it okay to greet an ex though during holidays? ex this christmas, the new yr, etc?

[shelty24]

No dont try to get her back. She ended it so if she changes her mind-she will let you know.

 

And i dont think you should date others yet. Give yourself some time. Its still very raw. Be alone for at least 6months-coz any girl you meet now will just be a rebound and it wont help

[sharky988]

is it okay to greet an ex though during holidays? ex this christmas, the new yr, etc?

 

No. Forget them, they're gone.

 

Christmas, New Year's, Thanksgiving, Valentine's Day, Groundhog's day, birthdays, weddings, graduations, anniversaries, new job, got fired, lost a pet, bought a new car, broke your arm, changed your haircolor, met someone new (and way better), ran into an old friend, blah blah blah...... the list goes ON AND ON AND ON for all the occasions you DON'T need to use as an excuse to contact your ex!

 

The ONLY time you should consider contact is when they contact you first to say: I made a huge mistake and want to get back together.

 

But to contact your ex first -- and just to say Merry Christmas? Meh. They'll have a merrier day without being reminded of how they dumped you.

[surfjon]

Time to make new memories......

 

And I myself have ZERO desire to contact my ex......for anything.....

 

I think back, and screw her.....my last 2 birthdays, Christmasses, Thanksgivings, Halloween, New Years were basically crap with ambivalence and indifference from her, and confusion and desperation in my head.....

 

This year I'm alone but very happy!! Moving into my new pad, which I'm thrilled with how cool it's turning out!!

 

The cold winter winds are going to feel so good this year without her!! And when the cool spring winds blow thru my new place, they're gonna blow away the last stale memories of her, along with the dust of regret at how I allowed myself to be treated.....