I feel shallow...

[Caldus]

I met this girl a while back. She is really intelligent, sweet, caring, and likes me for who I am. In fact, she really likes me (and I'm sure of it). The only problem is that she is overweight. She looks alright otherwise but for some reason I don't feel as attracted to her as she is to me. She keeps telling me how cute I am (physically and mentally). I feel shallow for saying this. But I am still seeing her and do enjoy her company. I guess love develops over time right? Do I just need to make an effort to look past the shallow crap and give her a chance?

[tea]

If it doesn't develop over time dont' push yourself.

 

=S It's probably shallow, but we all do it. Studies showed that overweight people are half as likely to get hired as normal or skinny people.

 

...me and my family especially. My mom just can't stand anyone being over weight...

 

I think people overweight can't just scream about the unfairness in our shallowness... they should also try losing some weight so they'll be more liked.

 

... but I do agree at some point we'll see past the physical features. >_>; My roommate keeps saying people who are smaller than her mom are obese, but when she talks about her mom she thinks her mom's just right and not yet obese... T_T ^^: Her whole family's the same way, including her dad. Her mom's really really overweight because she just loves food that much, but none of them care.

[Mix Maxster]

I think people overweight can't just scream about the unfairness in our shallowness... they should also try losing some weight so they'll be more liked.

 

You're right, they can't just say "Oh man it sucks that i'm overweight" and then pig out on food. Because that's what it really is right?

 

I consider myself to be on the chunky side, and at this moment I rarely even eat because when I eat more than once a day I gain weight. I exercise 5 days a week with very slow results. There are some people out there who can pig out ALL THEY WANT and not gain weight, my friend is a good example. He ate a BIG dinner then on the way home asked to get some McDonalds.

 

Although I agree that most people need to eat better, sometimes it doesn't even matter. Maybe lipo is the cure

[marijo2480]

Well, it's nice of you to feel bad about this but I think you're only being true to yourself and to this girl. The first thing that I can say though is do not force your feelings for anyone by any means. When you feel it, you feel it, and it comes on it's own. I don't think you're being really shallow. Whether people admit it or not, to be physically attracted to someone is somewhat important. It shouldn't be the most important thing on your list, but you do have to feel happy seeing this person...especially if you become serious and have to potentially see them every day. I think too that when a person is obese, they come accross to others as not taking care of themselves. For some people, it's important to be with a partner that does take care of themselves. Now I don't mean a slim person or body builder, but a healthy lifestyle. In terms of this girl, if you get along with her, just keep getting to know her to see where things go. You may come to find out that her weight isn't all that important after all. She may have an amazing personality that you can't find in another girl.

[lady00]

deleted.

[Double J]

Caldus,

 

I'm in the exact same situation as you. There's a friend of mine who I've known since middle school, but in high school we got to know each other more. Based on her actions, you could easily tell she likes me - she invites me out, she would send me halloween/Christmas cards in high school, etc. This is the easiest way to pinpoint a girl's interest level - through her actions. Just as that girl likes you for who you are, this girl likes me for who I am too. She also seems to like the fact that I'm a studious, dedicated student like she is.

 

The only problem, like yours, is that she's overweight and doesn't seem to care for her appearance as much as I'd want her to. She never wears makeup nor fixes her hair - she needs a makeover. On the other hand, she has a wonderful personality - she's wife material and so much more. SHe's also a very bright girl and majoring in the same discipline as me. I really want to give her a chance, but I just can't until I see her trying to fix herself up a little.

 

You'll notice that girls who aren't as attractive (or have some sort of shortcoming like weight) have to compensate for the condition by being "extra nice." I think the luckiest guy in the world is one who gives a girl like this a chance, and while together, she works on herself and becomes lean while retaining her great personality.

 

My advice to you, bro, is to keep being her friend. Maybe one day you can look past the extra weight, or maybe you can ask her subtly if she goes to the gym.. LOL. But seriously, keep in touch because you never know if she'll lose that weight in the near future.

[marijo2480]

What DoubleJ is saying here is so true. I personally was never a beautiful little girl. I looked like a dork, really. Just picture the big glasses, the braids, and the chunky cheeks. Girls always picked on me. I don't think I blossomed until high school and now college. This girl could change and it would be so rewarding for you to know that you fell for her for her personality first. You being more physically attracted to her later in life will be a super bonus for you!!

[Virulent]

heh yeh maybe if you try to convince them it would be healthyer for her to loose a few pounds then they'll give it a shot but make it out like you want them to be healthy and them looking sexyer will just be an added benifit

 

I've kinda been motivated to loose some wieght sincce im trying to get this one girl and im a big "huggy bear" (so they say) i've lost 10 pounds it really aint that hard

[Day_Walker]

You are going to have to make a choice and you are going to have to decide if looks really matter to you. If they do matter to you then you dont need to beat urself up for that, just accept who you are. In this case it sounds like you are conflicted and you feel that you could like this girl. Make your decision then stick with it.

[nenez]

Imagine how this girl sees you. Are you perfect? \no? \then neither is she.

Overweight or less attractive people dont @have to develop a nicer personality, sadly its the other way round. \very attractive people get the breaks so they don't have to. They also appear nice because they get the breaks and therfore have every reason to be nice. \howver they can also be selfish and superficial when they don't.

Iam ordinary, no goddess but my boyfirend thinks I am the most beautiful woamn in the world. That makes me feel good. That makes me treat him well. And motivates me to be beautiful.

So, if you like her for herself tell her so. Sh ewill blossom.

And don't forget after a very short while the most beautiful face in the world will bore you if it not illuminated with an April mind.

[Double J]

I think looks matter to everyone, no matter what. I, personally, am not super picky with looks. But, it always helps to know that the person tries to take care of herself and look the best she can possibly look. That in itself makes the person more attractive.

[wlfpack81]

nice post nenez but looks do matter somewhat as others have stated. I mean I believe there at least has to be some mutual attraction b/t 2 people to get the relationship going.

 

To the originator of this post, if you don't feel butterflies then I wouldn't pursue anything b/c it'd be wrong to her and wrong for you as you'd be wasting your time.

[Double J]

The truth is that, the less amount of options you have, the more you're willing to look into giving a chance to someone who shows interest in you - even if you might not be that interested in the person physically. Think about it - if two very good looking people were interested in you, would you show interest in the third person that shows interest, who happens to be out of shape? Not really. However, if there's only one person around who fancies you, and loneliness creeps in here and there, you're definitely willing to accept that person. It's happened to me in the past. I've met girls that I've been physically attracted to, but whose personalities have completed turned me off. As human beings we're very self-conscious of ourselves and our limitations. Very good looking people get hit on all the time - and if many people start to convey that the person is too good for them, the good looking person WILL believe it eventually.

 

I've also met not-so attractive people whose personalities outshine the physical. It's very hard to maintain a relationship where one person is not physically attracted to the other, because once the person's eyes start to wander, they're going to get the urge to be with that "pretty" one. And maybe when that one's personality comes out, if they broke up with the nice person, they'll regret it.

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

Mostly everyone is shallow to a certain extent. And there are a ton (no pun intended) of guys and girls who don't like their significant others to be overweight. I was in a similar situation in junior high school. A big girl, a really big girl, approached me and stuff, and I was definitely not attracted to her. I felt shallow, but I guess at that age everyone's shallow.

 

Let me tell you a story. A friend of mine met a girl that he thought was cute, but she was also very heavy. He was even thinking of giving her an ultimatum, either lose weight or he's gone. BUT, as the days and weeks went by, he realized he was attracted to her on the inside so much, her outward appearance didn't matter to him. He will always wish she drops a few pounds, but her weight no longer holds him back for loving her because her personality won him over.

 

Basically, her personality will appeal to you more than her weight being a problem for you... or her weight will still be a heavy issue. If that's the case, so be it. You don't like heavy women, that's just a part of life. But if you really do care for her, her weight will not be as big an issue.

[ShySoul]

Weight shouldn't be a concern unless it becomes a danger to that person's health. If I had to choose between a very good looking person and an average or out of shape person, I would chose the one who I connected with best. Looks wouldn't factor into my decision. A person's personality will far outshine there physical apparance. And if you fall for a person's personality and heart first, you'll most likely begin to see them different physically. You will see the person in a different light and find them more attractive physically because. There inner beauty will shine through in the way they smile or the look in there eyes. Not having a relationship with someone because of how they look is shallow. And besides, what someone considers "very good looking" is subjective and changes from person to person. Isn't physical beauty in the eye of the beholder?

[Fif Angel]

You know, you don`t have to force yourself to go out with this girl.

 

Regardless of whether or not she is fat/ thin whatever if you don`t feel attracted to her then there`s no point in pushing yourself. In the long run you`ll only make yourself unhappy by trying to make yourself like her and you`ll certainly make her unhappy if you pretend to feel something for her that you don`t.

 

This isn`t necessarily a fat versus thin issue.It`s just an issue of chemistry. Some people are attracted to very slender people, some people are not. There has to be a certain chemistry there. That`s the difference between female friends and girlfriends.

 

I`d say if you like this girl, you like spending time with her then continue to do so , but as a friend. Make sure she knows that so she isn`t disappointed. If you find that a natural chemistry develops more over time then that`s great. If not then don`t worry about it. There`s nothing wrong with just being friends, right?

[Ceema-k]

Love and attraction shouldn't be about charity. It's about being with someone who you want, who you desire.

 

Having said that, Caldus, you've already spent enough time with this girl to realize what a great person she is. This can be a win-win for you, either way.

 

If you decide to cut things off with her now, you will be true to yourself. Quite simply, you aren't completely attracted to her, so going further with her can be construed as leading her on. You will at least be acting honest with her and yourself. And whenever you close a door, another one usually opens, so no worries.

 

But... the longer you hang out with her, the less her looks will matter. Some time from now, if you guys hook up and start being a dating couple, you'll feel a lot less like you're compromising yourself in some way. You just won't care as much. I"ve seen it happen with my own friends.

 

See how this is a win-win for you?

[lonelynshy]

Yes it IS shallow but guess what? Girls are shallow too. They judge gys based on their height and we judge them on their weight. Fair and square.