Starting Over....again.

[faraday]

Things have been so freaking busy since school started. Jay and I have kept in contact...he was gone that whole time and he would text or skype me when he got in every night (usually at 10pm....Idk how he works those long shifts!) He came back home on Friday night, and we spent Saturday morning together. He helped me take apart my bed frame and move my mattress...set up my new frame...and we waited for my mattress (I made him breakfast too)....and then christened it. It was fun We haven't had the exclusivity talk. I don't really care if he's dating others. I don't really have time to date him let alone more people at this point...so it will be more like...if he can manage to hang in there until school is done, we might have something. But right now...I will only be able to see him 2 or 3 times a month...so...who knows what will happen. I ended up pulling down my eH profile- I just don't have time. I have friends that are mad because they think I'm not making time for them. They might have to go. I warned them that school will be my focus for the next few months. At least Tine is adjusting well to daycare.

 

School has been so incredibly enlightening for me. I have refined my idea further, I'm planning on specializing in custom muraling musical instruments. Things like guitars, pianos, cellos, violins...will become my canvas to creating new pieces of art. I think my style of painting will lend itself well to it.

[faraday]

Well, we had the exclusivity talk last night...and spent a full 24 hours together for the first time...which was awesome. I was going for lunch with a group of friends down the street from my house yesterday, so I invited him to come along...he did...and it was a lot of fun. He actually does work related to what that group of friends does...so it was good for him because he had an easy in...but he's just so friendly he had no problems making conversation...pretty good for an introvert Then we went back to my place for a few hours...and went to a comedy improv night...which was fun and then, one of my gfs texted to see if we wanted to meet for drinks...so we went out with her and her bf (who I hadn't met before)...and once again, Jay was awesome. I guess I'm just like...kind of in awe...Mat was always so weird around my friends...like, he wouldn't even make the slightest effort to be nice to them...to the point that they all avoided him at my 30th birthday...it was so awkward. I guess this is what it's supposed to be like.

 

Still emotionally keeping my distance...I'm internally worried he's going to pull a Lee and just f off and leave me wondering w t frack happened...I feel like...how do I let that go? I don't want to keep him at arms length...and with saying that, I think things are going well and at a good pace...not too slow and not too fast...it feels like a natural progression....I guess I'll get over this fear with time. I just don't like carrying around baggage...I need to figure out how to set it down somewhere so it doesn't manifest somewhere with Jay....or the next guy. Maybe it will be gone by then...idk...

[DancingFool]

Sounds great! Nice update to read. I think early on it's always possible for things to tank abruptly on either side. So a little bit of space and not jumping in with all fours is a good thing. More like let the next week be a little better than the previous week kind of a thing. With his job involving so much travel and your school and projects, you really have a nicely built in relationship pacer. Basically, you can't control tomorrow, so enjoy today.

[faraday]

I really need perspective here. It’s long…I have a lot of things I’m thinking about that I need to sort out. *Huge blurb of thoughts commencing*

 

So things with Jay have been going mostly great. When we hang out together, it’s so much fun. We get along great. The sex is awesome. We have the same sense of humour (which is hard for me to find- most people don’t get my dryness- even a few of my best friends take me seriously sometimes when I’m joking)…It’s just really comfortable. It’s nice. He has met a lot of my friends, they all think he’s awesome.

 

So we have been dating for 2 months. It’s been a weird relationship because…we met twice in a 4 day span, and then he went out of town for work for 3 weeks. He wouldn’t have cell service at site (he’s in the middle of nowhere), but he would when he would get back to his hotel at the end of the day. So he would often text me late at night and we would skype at like 10 his time (11 mine) for a bit if I was still awake.

 

I thought it would be different when he came home (and you know, had cell service all day lol) but it’s not really all that different. He’s been home for about a month (he leaves next week again for 3 weeks), and I usually don’t hear from him until like 10 or 11 at night…and he’ll send a “Hi! I hope you had a great day! I just got back from (rock climbing/dinner with my aunt/ hockey/ visiting my cousin, etc) and often times that’s every second day. So…a few weeks ago, I told him that I thought it would hear from him more now (that he has service) and that I really like hearing from him….to which I got a “ahh, I’m not used to having cell service so I don’t really think about it.” So I let another week go by, and I wasn’t really hearing from him any more often…So…me being overly direct said, “I don’t know if we’re in the same place Jay. I don’t know if this is going to work. I like to hear from whoever I’m dating more often than a few times a week. I want to get to know you. I want to talk to you. So I don’t know if we should just stop dating. Or if I should date other people while you catch up to me or if I should just give you space and let you do your own thing.” To which he immediately responded, “I really like you. I think we do have different expectations in communication but I really want things to work, I’m going to make a bigger effort to communicate more. I’m sorry!” and he… kind of does? I can see that he’s putting in more of an effort…although, sometimes I don’t hear from him for a few days.

 

We spend every Saturday together (when he’s home) and Saturday night…he kicks me out early Sunday morning because his cousin comes over every Sunday for nerd day (they play magic and catan)…and he’s explained that he doesn’t want me to meet his cousin yet, because that would be the equivalent of him meeting my daughter…then everyone in his family would know about me and a lot of questions would ensue…and he wants to make sure about me before all that happens. Fair enough. I haven’t told my family about him either. We also usually have a night during the week at my place. He comes over and we watch Game of Thrones or whatever together after my girl is in bed, and he stays over.

 

I’ve asked him for one more weeknight together because including when he’s gone, it averages out to me seeing him like, once a week…which…is hard to get to know someone well with…especially someone that doesn’t like the phone or texting. He told me he doesn’t mind an extra date night once in a while, but he can’t do it every week. He doesn’t sleep as well when he’s not in his bed. And I get it. The poor guy only gets to sleep in his own bed half of the year anyway, and then I’m trying to drag him away from it even more. And he still needs to see his friends and family in the same time that he’s trying to see me when he’s home. It would be a hard balance.

 

I told two of my gfs this yesterday, and they gave me the whole “you found a great guy, it’s obvious when we see you guys together that he really likes you…why are you being so difficult?” kind of thing….but they also come from a place of limited options in dating…which makes them view things differently than I do. I know that I can find another guy like Jay next month. So…the thought of losing him, doesn’t scare me. It would make me sad for a week or two. I like him a lot. He’s awesome. I could see a future with him in it. But…there are other guys like him out there.

 

He has been single for the last 2 years. He’s a relationship guy…everyone he’s dated, it’s been with for a few years. He said he “wants kids one day” and I haven’t asked him what he ultimately wants because…I don’t think many men really think “I want marriage!”…I think it just kind of happens….like one day they look at their gf and realize they want to be with her and from there they make it happen…

 

*Pushes away random thoughts*

 

That’s where I’m coming from. So, I don’t really feel like he’s all that into me. At least…when we aren’t together. Because…I just don’t hear from him. When we’re together, it’s freaking awesome.

 

I wonder if he’s coming from a place of scarcity, and that’s why he’s sticking with me. I mean, he’s a tall, very good looking guy, but as my classy gay friend pointed out, “he dresses like a geophysics scientist” lol This same friend strongly advised that I keep Jay. I just don’t know what to make of all this.

 

Thoughts?

[DancingFool]

My thoughts are simply that some people, and I include myself in this group, simply don't have/feel the need for contact as much, BUT it doesn't mean that we care less. What I would focus on is the fact that he heard you and has made an attempt to meet your needs at least a little bit. To that, I would also say that you should do the same. When you want to talk to him and he is in town, pick up the phone and essentially prompt it. When one needs more and the other less, you both kind of need to make the effort and that will lead both of you toward a happy middle.

 

The big point here is that he didn't run away screaming when you expressed what you want, but rather was up for making some improvements to make you happy. This quality is actually not easy to find and not something you can replace in a heartbeat regardless of how many guys want to date you.

[faraday]

Sometimes I need a "faraday calm the frack down" talk...

 

Thanks for the additional perspective. I thought you might say something to this degree...but I needed to hear it.

 

I guess for me...I don't want to hear from men when I don't like them as much. And I've dated men for a few months (hoping they'd grow on me) while keeping minimal contact. I just wonder if he's thinking like that about me. Do you know what I mean? I do get what you're saying though. I just know the way I work...and if he's like me, this is doomed lol. But he doesn't seem to be...so maybe the less contact means nothing.

 

Good god. I need to stop drinking coffee now. Lol.

 

He is awesome. I'm amazed at how easy he is to talk to. I can say anything and he thinks about it....and he can always see my side. Which is so freaking cool. I'm used to getting told I'm wrong (most people aren't able to see multiple sides of things)...and I'm used to just smiling and nodding through it. It's interesting being able to have conversations about perspective.

 

 

 

How have things been going with you lately, lady?

[DancingFool]

Well, I can easily go two or three days without talking to an SO. That's my deep, dark, dirty little secret...lol.... I do however know that if I do that, I'll never have an SO, so eventually the relationship grows to a point where we touch base everyday in some fashion and that is usually driven by the guy more so than me. Kind of exactly like what I described above, he reaches out more, I make a point to reach out more than I'd naturally think of. In all honesty, I basically build up a habit of it over time, but it's definitely not a need.

 

If he wasn't into you, this was his ticket to walk away and many guys will. Most would just give you the "I can't give you what you need and deserve at this point in my life" and bail. I wouldn't go with the scarcity theory here either. From what you describe, he doesn't strike as someone who needs to have someone in his life and is probably quite content solo. He'll only make an effort if it's right rather than just for the sake of having someone. Of course, it doesn't mean that he sees marriage and a future with you right now, but he sees enough that he wants to continue and make the effort and it just doesn't sound like he would make the effort for naught.

 

Things are same old same old here. Nothing exciting, just normal life.

[faraday]

I love you DF, thank you for the insights

[faraday]

When you mentioned the guy that would phone you on his way home from work...I really liked that idea. I told Jay about it and he's going to try that...when he gets back. He's gone for 3 1/2 weeks out to the middle of nowhere again. He came over the day before he left, which was really sweet. He set up my guest bed for me ...it was sweet that he came over because he had to get up at 4 am the next morning to leave for his trip...he hit snooze three times before I pushed him out of bed lol. We just have so much fun when we're together...I think you're right, he is just fine being single and he is making an effort because he likes me. He's awesome when we're together, we just need to figure out the communication thing when we aren't together.

 

 

 

So something I've been thinking about lately...not even with Jay, but just in general. I'm pretty sure Lee bailed because things became too much too soon. Like..meeting parents, and him meeting my daughter...all that....(which he initiated but I think it was ignorance on his part- he didn't know what he was getting into until he was waist deep in it lol)...

 

So Mat met Tine a few weeks in...he had a freak out at about the 2 month mark "I'm not ready for this" and bailed. Then came back 2 days later (and sat outside my house for a week straight until I finally came out to talk to him) and changed his mind...saying he loved me enough to overcome the kid thing.

 

I dated David (4 years ago), for 6 months. He never met Tine or my family. He was pushing towards combining our lives.

 

Lee met her a few weeks in...and bailed after 2 months.

 

She didn't meet anyone else...things with others have ended in the 2-4 month range for various reasons.

 

She's not a bad kid, I don't think it has to do with her personally, but just the huge scope of actually having a child and all the responsibilities that come with it.

 

So, the question I'm wondering... when is the right time for a bf to meet a child? It hasn't come up with Jay, nor will it for a while (if I still know him around the 6 month mark, I'm guessing that will be around the right time depending on how integrated in each others lives we are at that point), but I've been thinking about the way things have gone in the past and what that might end up looking like in the future.

 

My uncle has suggested I introduce them early on as a way of weeding out men...but I'm not fond of the idea of Tine remembering her childhood as a revolving door of men....and I think very few men will embrace the kid thing right away unless they are parents themselves. So, I'm wondering, do I wait until my emotional connection with a bf is strong so that connection will override the "holy carp this is parenting?!?" thing that seems to happen? Or is that cheating? I don't know.

 

 

 

In other news....I'm getting ready to launch my business at the end of May. My coach has advised me to call in every connection that I have to get my art out there...so I called Mat. He's on the art committee for a billion dollar company...he's a huge connection for me. It was pretty awkward but he agreed to help me. A few days later (last night), he called to tell me that he still loved me, missed me, that I was the best sex he'd ever had....this is...stuff. Like...wow. I told him I had moved on and that while I missed him sometimes, I knew where it would go if we went down this path, and that it could never be. I asked him to look at me in a professional context. He said he would. Well....he unblocked me on fb...and it turns out...a month after we broke up, he got together with his ex mistress (the one that broke up his marriage and started calling him when she found out he was dating me- posting inappropriate things on his fb wall, inviting him over)....when we were together, she wouldn't leave him alone...and I kept telling him it wasn't appropriate for him to be friends with her...and he kept saying that he didn't have feelings for her...so that made me laugh. I was right! He kept telling me I was crazy....but I felt it in my gut. I *knew* something was going on....and he kept telling me it was all in my head...I'm always going to listen to my gut now. I'm glad I did. Anyway, not really a point to that...I just needed to get it out. I can't tell any of my friends, they all hated Mat so...that will end in a berating of me for talking to him...but I don't regret it. It gave me even more closure on the situation...if that makes sense.

 

Always listen to that little voice in the back of your head...that's what I got out of that. I'm not crazy. I just need to listen more lol.

[DancingFool]

This is one of those things where there is no black and white, wrong and right answer. A large part depends on the kid and their personality. Some kids can't handle that sort of stuff and some kids take it easily in stride and think nothing of it.

 

There is also a big difference in my mind between a very neutral "this is mom's friend Bob. Now go play with such and such while mom talks to her friend" v. a big production of meet mom's special friend Bob, and Bob goes to go play and bond with her.

 

As for when...I guess maybe wait for the guy to indicate a desire to go forward and meet your daughter?

 

Regarding Mat, if you ever wanted or needed closure, talk about getting it. Yeash is all I can say. Your friends were right to hate him. So next time, listen to them. If a guy doesn't fit in with your friends, chances are, he really doesn't fit in with you. You pick your friends for a reason. My only concern is that I very much doubt he'll stop pestering you about getting back together or at least getting back in bed with you. I wouldn't put it past him to take your business contact as your weakening resolve to stay away from him or that you had a vulnerable moment, which means you might have more. Even if he does anything for you business wise, he might well be looking for certain type of "payment" and if he doesn't get it, he could also become vindictive and cause you business damage. In short, beware and don't take it too literally that you should contact everyone. At the very least tread carefully and think hard about what can of worms you might open up.

[faraday]

Mat and Lee both wanted to meet Tine...so I don't think that's a great indicator. I think they both didn't know what they were getting into until they were into it. Jay doesn't ask about meeting Tine. He asks about her, and he seems to enjoy hearing funny stories about her (my friends shared a few stories when we were all out- she's the only child in the whole group of us (and all of my friends want children), so she's cherished and well received...and she's a pretty quirky kid, so she's interesting...and that's not just me being a mom, I swear! I think Jay actually understands how big it is...so maybe when he shows interest it will be time....he's not the "jump in and see how it goes" type...he's very analytical.

 

As for Mat...I don't think he will expect "payment"...he has a gf, and while I don't put him past cheating, he knows I'll tell her if he tries to play that card.

 

My coach specifically told me to contact this ex. I told him all about how we ended on bad terms and that this would be incredibly...horrible to re-open...and he told me I needed to try. Unfortunately, Mat is a really good person to know....it would be impossible to get my art in by any other channel. It's just too good of an opportunity at this point. The art world is hard to break into and I am going to have to sell out to make a living....which I'm fine with doing.

 

He did actually say, "I don't think this is about the art"...so he did take it as a weakening of resolve. He was hurt when I told him it was actually about the art. Not a lot I can do about that. I probably could have been friends with him (like in a VERY loose/distanced kind of way) but after finding out that he's with his mistress...it just made me realize he's really not the kind of people I can be friends with. I have no qualms about using him to get ahead though...which he seemed to pick up on...and he seemed...sad...about.

 

I think part of his "sadness" is a manipulation though. He's a pro at getting what he wants. I knew that for a long time while we were together...but I wanted to believe that he was good. He's not.

 

My first draft of my business plan is due in 2 weeks. They divided it up into 11 sections, and we've handed in 9. I'm excited as things are looking good so far in it. I can't wait for the course to be done so I can go out and start selling/creating...but at the same time...it's scary to leave the shelter of full time school lol. It's going to be a tough year.

[DancingFool]

I hope Mat helps you out, but I wouldn't hold my breath. In short, better work on a solid plan counting his help out rather than in. How would you get a foot in without him?

[faraday]

He'll help me. I don't doubt that at all. He's curious to see what I'll do with myself and this is his only in. I know he also wants me to succeed. He was really attached to Tine and he wants good things for her.

 

 

I have other ins that I'm working on as well..,I have a bunch of irons about to go in the fire. For me, launching will be about brand recognition more than anything. I need people...mostly companies, to know me. I'm submitting a piece into a very big art competition...that will help

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[faraday]

So Jay didn't end up going out of town for long...it ended up being three day instead of three weeks....He's been making an effort to text more (he still sucks at it...but when we're together it's so good that I can overlook it lol) and he has been spending three nights a week with me.

 

I had a really nice weekend with Jay. We pretty much spent the entire thing together...which we haven't done before. On Wednesday he asked me out for Friday, asked me to dress up...it was a really awesome night- he took me to a new restaurant...it was amazing. It's really weird- we are both drawn to the same things...like same drinks, same appetizers, same main course....we differ on dessert...because cheesecake is wrong...and he loves it. But...it was neat to see that we're food compatible.

 

Saturday night we made dinner and watched Heroes...he's never seen it! He's totally hooked now lol. And we went for ice cream (and both ordered the same kind lol) and went for a walk in the middle of one of those pretty, gigantic snowflake snowfalls....and slept in...late...and it was...so fun. He leaves tomorrow morning until May 21st (probably...but nothing is ever set at his work...it could be a false start...he was supposed to leave for this trip last Wednesday but didn't find out until he showed up at 6 am that it was postponed...so who knows what will happen)

 

I asked him about what it's like when he's on site...and now I get why I don't hear from him very much. He's pretty much on 16 hour days...leaves at 6am and gets back to the hotel at 8...showers, goes for dinner.. comes back and crashes. He also emailed me this blog post about introverts...it was basically saying that even if (as an introvert) you really like someone, you just don't need to talk. And....I get that I've been seeing gfs more lately to get my social needs met and distract me a bit.

 

I also read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus...which...is written at a grade 4 reading level...but it did have some good insight. I am a freaking wave. That made so much sense to me. And I have seen men "cave" but I usually don't give them a chance to come back...I'm already gone by that point. So...maybe I'll try out the waiting thing...See if there's anything to it. I am a wave lol.

 

Our first draft of our business plans are due on Wedneday. I still have a ton of homework to do.

[DancingFool]

lol....looks like he gave you a pretty firm hint that he is not and will not become a talker all of a sudden, but that it doesn't mean he doesn't care....hmmm....where have I heard that before....????

 

Anyway, sounds like things with Jay are progressing nicely. Good luck on your homework. Speaking of, have you heard back from Matt regarding business contacts?

[faraday]

Yeah, yeah, you were right, lady I think I'm just used to guys who talk sweetly but then don't follow through with actions...so many of my exes were like that...I was thinking on the weekend that 1. Jay and I have been dating longer than I even knew Lee....and 2. That if we were to put an overlapping timeline of Lee over top of Jay...Lee told me he loved me almost 6 weeks ago. We ended 3 weeks ago. It's kind of mind blowing. He said all these things...and then was gone. Jay doesn't say anything. Well....not really. He tells me he likes me and that I look nice...but nothing really beyond that....but he's here. Not every day, like Lee was. But enough that we're getting to know one another...and that we have time to miss each other. He's better at pacing than me. It's a good thing.

 

We talked a bit about past relationships...he dated someone from November to January...and it was going really well...and she just disappeared. Kind of like Lee. So at least we're both like...dealing with the same baggage. A little hesitancy...a little holding back.

 

Sorry this turned into a ramble. Trying to sort things out in my head.

 

Unfortunately, I'm still hearing back from Mat quite a bit. He texts every few days to ask me how my projects are coming along. Because of the workload at school, I haven't had time to paint...so things are progressing extremely slow. I feel sorry for him. I've realized... how lonely he is. He asks about other things in my life. Apologizes for what happened with us. It's sad. He's so broken...and I don't know how I didn't see it. Does that mean I'm broken too? Like...how didn't I see him for who he was?

[DancingFool]

Methinks that your pink goggles are finally coming off regarding Matt.

 

As for Jay, I like his pace. I mean it is kind of early for more. I'd rather have someone wait and stand by their words, than someone who is all sparky and their words don't hold water. Here today, gone tomorrow variety.

[faraday]

So on Monday we handed in our final business plan draft. And Tuesday, we presented our business plan as a powerpoint for our class, any admin that wanted to stop in, and a representative of our government. Today, we got our completion diplomas and had a little celebration. I might have cried

 

We are officially launched...I'm not really launching until August though....I have too much to do before I launch...I need to get some more art painted, paint a few pianos and make a video for indiegogo...I need $10,000.

 

Things are going so ridiculously good with Jay right now. We have a long weekend and we're going away.......our first trip! Maybe down to Montana... And I'm not planning out car activities like I was with Mat...because Jay talks a lot and we love the same music He now spends 3 nights a week here...and calls or texts everyday. He called me his gf for the first time the other day, which made me smile. I have so much fun with him...he just makes me laugh all the time. I'm still keeping him separate from Tine for the time being. She briefly met him one night when she woke up and came down to the living room...and she gets that he's my bf...but we talked about why we're not all spending time together and she seemed to understand. My 5 year old might be an old soul.

 

Things are going really good.

 

I took in a girl with Down's Syndrome...she's moving in next week. She's very sweet...I think she'll work out well....although her mom is completely insane and calls 4 times a day...I've started screening her calls...because she traps me on the phone for half an hour every time...she's very lonely. Not my job to be her friend though.

 

Anyway...yeah, things are good right now I'm happy

[faraday]

Yesterday was my birthday. I'm 31. It's weird....it feels bigger than 30 felt...and yes, I get that I'm older ha, but...it just feels...bigger somehow.

 

Yesterday Jay met my parents and my best friend for the first time...and had dinner with Tine and I. It was a good day. Everyone loves him. We had a talk about the whole kid thing. He just got back from a week of visiting his best friend (and his wife and 2 kids)....so he said it was interesting timing, circular, that he was finishing off the week by spending time with my daughter and I. He said he really liked being an uncle, and that he wasn't sure how it was supposed to be with Tine. So we had a talk about...how even if we end up staying together and getting married, he won't ever be a parental role to Tine...he gets to stay a fun uncle...be a supportive friend. I also told him that while I want them to know each other, I'm not ready for them to get close...so I will still be limiting the time they spend together.

 

Normally I start off completely infatuated with a guy, and the more I get to know him, the more doubts I have and the less I like him. I wasn't sure about Jay. His schedule made me nervous. He sucked at texting...and he has so many girl friends...I wasn't sure if he was trustworthy (because of Mat, I didn't trust this whole "friends" of the opposite sex thing) I wasn't sure if it would get better...but it gets easier and easier with him. The more I know him, the more I like him. He's trustworthy. He's thoughtful and deliberate....we're moving slow and taking our time instead of jumping full on in like I normally do. This is neat

[DancingFool]

That's the way it's always worked for me in terms of an LTR - steadily growing closer together. I guess for me at least, when something starts out hot and heavy, then shortly after that you start seeing all the problems with that person. When something starts out slow and steady, there is that sense of things getting increasingly better and better and more comfortable as you kind of meld together.

 

Anyway, yay for all the good news and happy belated graduation! Time flies.

[faraday]

So....today this happened:

 

I don't get very much time that's kid and roommate free. We often hang out at my place because of this. I've asked him if he's okay with this and he said it is.

 

So he's going out of town tomorrow. So earlier in the week we planned that he would come over tonight and we would have a date (I would get a sitter). I have been planning everything lately...because we've been at my house a lot. So I've been buying all the groceries, cooking, cleaning...all that. Which is fine, because he's coming to my house which is kind of like a favor to me....but at the same time...I don't make KD...I make really nice steak from Costco...I put a lot of time into preparation...it's a very nice meal. I usually spend around $50 on one meal, and at least an hour or two making it. It's something you would expect in a high end restaurant. Which is something I love doing. I'm just saying...it's not ramen noodles So tonight when I was free, I kind of expected him to plan something...because I've been doing everything else lately. I told him I was planning on getting a sitter from 6-8 so we could do something and he could come over after.

 

I texted him at 7 am asking him what the plan was for tonight. Nothing. Noon, "hey babe, I need to know if I'm getting a sitter, what's the deal?" Nothing. At 4 he texts me back saying sorry he forgot his phone at home, what do I want to do tonight? I said, I don't know I was hoping you were planning it. Nothing back. At 5...I said, "I haven't scheduled a babysitter because I don't know what's going on...so why don't you just come over at 8 when she's in bed?" At 6 he texts me back "okay, sounds good, sorry I fell asleep." I haven't responded.

 

I feel frustrated. I'm probably over reacting....I just...wanted him to plan something. On Sunday he didn't have my birthday present...and he said he was going to give it to me tonight....I guess I just thought he'd want to spend more time with me before he goes out of town for a week or two. I'm bummed out. Like...I don't even want to see him tonight anymore. I want to tell him not to bother. I just feel unspecial. And like I'm being a princess. I don't want to be a princess. I want to be appreciated. And...this is making me feel like an afterthought.

 

Thoughts anyone?

[faraday]

So when he came over he was his normal cuddly self. I asked him what was going on, he explained that he had a bout of insomnia the night before, didn't fall asleep until 4 am...overslept his alarm...barely made it to work on time, and then passed out when he got home from work. He was very apologetic.

 

I'm not sure why to think....but since this is the first time anything like this has happened, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. I told him that I was bummed out about the way things went...he did seem sorry...

 

It sucks because that whole thing made me not feel as connected to him..so sex wasn't great for me last night (not for lack of him trying). I didn't tell him that's why. Today he leaves for a 5 day work trip.

 

I know he cares. He shows me he does in things that he does. That whole situation...cancelling plans...really bothers me. It's par to my love language. I'm trying to keep that it bothers me more than most people in mind as I let it go. To many it wouldn't be a big deal. To me it is. Let it go.

 

 

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[DancingFool]

I think because of your past you are slightly over reacting. Things happen, people have bad days, etc. Being able to get past that and let it go is a huge part of relationships.

 

Also, I think that you have to be mindful that when you establish a certain dynamic in the relationship and then want something different, you are going to have to speak up. The dynamic is that you are the planner. So when you don't want to be that, you'll have to clue him in. He can't read your mind and he is just human, aka, likely to go with the established dynamic.

 

It seems to me, that the biggest issue here was a mutual failure to communicate clearly. Expectations on your part, his state of not feeling well. It happens, so in the grand scheme of things, not that big of an event.

[faraday]

It was a total communication fail. We do sometimes not articulate things very well and have mix ups. Normally, not a big deal.

 

I don't know if it's so much baggage from my past, as one of my love language things. When I read the book, they talked about how people who are Acts of Service, take being late and canceling plans (which is how that felt to me) as like, a huge big thing. For me, no matter who it is...whether it's a friend or a bf or my family...if someone cancels on me, or shows up late...I get upset. It's always been like that. I just don't feel like a priority.

 

So, I went into it recognizing that. We talked about it this morning. He brought up my lack of orgasms last night...and I mentioned that for me, the better the connection, the better the sex. I told him that's why our sex wasn't quite...as explosive for me in the beginning of dating, because we didn't have that connection...and why it's been so fantastic in the last month...because I feel super close to him. I explained about the love languages thing and I told him I know that this isn't a big deal, I can look at it logically from outside perspective and see that it's nothing...but that it still made me feel crappy. He pulled me in even tighter He's not a big talker...and that's okay. He said he got it and that he would be mindful of the way that affects me from now on.

 

He asked me if I could get respite for my roommate for a week this summer, he wants to go camping with Tine and I. I think that would be a lot of fun We're going in July...it should be warm enough by then.

 

I think you're right though about the dynamic thing. I have created a pattern...and I don't want it to be this way entirely. Do you think it would be fair to ask him from now on to plan a date a week out? I mean...I have him over 2-3 nights a week where I take care of everything...is it fair to ask him to plan other things? I mean...when he comes here, there's not a lot that happens. Dinners, movies, wine, a lot of sex....but nothing really planned. Where as...if I ask him to plan things...he'll have to plan them. I don't care if we go for dinner or a walk or bowling...I just want to do things outside the house. I want things to feel fair....do you think that's being fair to him?

[DancingFool]

Sounds fair to me. Look up at your previous post - you actually put a lot of effort into those evenings in. There is no reason why he shouldn't put effort into evenings out, especially since they are rare. I have no doubt you can figure out how to put it to him in a diplomatic way so that a new dynamic goes forward. I kind of suspect that he already heard you loud and clear, but who knows. It might have been only about not flaking out. That's the trouble - we can't climb into someone's head and know what's up in there exactly.

 

Anyway, this guy really sounds like a keeper so far.