Lied about sleeping with someone else...

[Anonymous175]

Thank you for taking the time to read my post.

 

I'm a a mid 20's-something female who got together with my boyfriend 7+ years ago. In 2011 he and I broke up (I will call him "Guy 1"), more for circumstantial reasons than for actually wanting to break up- he stayed in his hometown; I left his hometown and moved to my home city accross the country. Over the next year we made plans for him to move out to my city to be together but he never followed through (a consistent problem with him), and about a year after we broke up I started dating someone else ("Guy 2"). They both knew I had feelings for both of them and they knew about the surrounding circumstances; it was a messed up situation and painful for us all, but I was honest with both of them about everything because (I thought) they were both great guys and they both said they were willing to wait for everything to be sorted through.

 

While I was dating "Guy 2" I had a suspicion that my ex had feelings for and/or was involved with this girl I had been friends with when I'd lived in his hometown. I asked him a thousand times if he liked her and he denied it. After a couple of months she finally told me that he did have feelings for her; I spoke to my friends in town and they all stated she had told everyone in town that he was in love with her but failed to mention that I was still in the picture. He finally admitted that he had strong feelings for her and had talked to her about potentially being together and that she had reciprocated but that she was involved with someone else; nothing ever came of it because she is crazy, and that it was never physical (it should be said "Guy 2" and I had been broken up for about 2 months by this point). She swore up and down that she would never have touched him because our friendship was so much more important.

 

Dramatic events ensued, and in my heart I felt the only way that things could have gotten so dramatic was if they had engaged in some kind of sexual relationship. He swore up and down that it never happened, finally made plans to move to my city, and we have been back together and living together for more than 6 months now (so we were broken up for two years). The other day I snooped on his computer (yes, I accept responsibility for my actions; it was not right of me to infringe upon his privacy) and found out that not only was he "in love" with her, but that he said in the two weeks they were together she made him happier than he'd ever been in five years with me and that they were sleeping together (she is seriously crazy (and this is coming from her closest friends who told me I should never believe what she says) so it did not last long between them). He said he thought he was in love with her and that she could make him happy but that was because he was head over heels for her and it only took a few weeks to see how wrong he was.

 

Because Guy 1 been tested for STDs at the beginning of our relationship and maintained that he was never with anyone else, and I'd been tested since Guy 2, I didn't think twice about having unprotected sex with him since he's been living here.

 

I don't even know exactly what kind of advice I'm looking for... I love him but can I ever trust him again? I was sleeping with someone else also (but honest about it, and we were broken up) so how terrible is this transgression? He said he thinks that because I had suspicions that he'd slept with someone else but still decided to sleep with him unprotected I should accept some of the responsibility for putting myself at risk for STD's. Am I crazy or is this completely convoluted, manipulative thinking? Since I had a strong feeling something had happened, I have to say the lying and exposing me to STDs by lying to me about his sexual history and then having unprotected sex with me disturbs me the most.

 

Let me add, also, to this day he would still bring up how I was with Guy 2, how it destroyed him, how he was ready to be with me forever, how messed up it was that I did that. A couple of months ago I had a few drinks and said that I knew he had slept with that girl and he went off on me for not trusting him. Lady MacBeth should have taught me... "The lady doth protest too much."

 

If anyone has a similar story or advice I would love to hear it. I am heartbroken. We were talking about getting engaged in a few months. I was ready to spend my life with him and now I don't know if I even know who he is anymore.

[skyhop333]

Sorry about your predicament. But I will say this with the utmost sincerity and honesty. You yourself are fully responsible for your own health. It's not the responsibility of a persons past or present to give you the okay-go. When it comes to being safe... don't put your lives in the hands of others when it's your choice to begin with.

 

Give this some time and think about it. It really wasn't your business him having relations with others while you were with Guy 2.

 

Get yourself tested and move on from this. The past is in the past. Enjoy what you have now since you now have it. He's still the same person, but now carrying the baggage of the past that included you. Keep that in mind okay.

 

The both of you need to move on from this and let the past go if you want a future. Just chalk it up to lesson learned.

[SooSad33]

I agree with Sky^...

 

IF you two can't put the past behind you- instead of rubbing these things in each other's faces, no, it isn't going to work.

That's lack of respect and trust.

If you don't have these things within your relationship, it's doomed, i'll admit.

 

The past IS the past.. you two had both broken up & had other partner's for a time being... so, if you two can't handle these facts.. maybe it is best to 'separate' for a while or just admit too much has changed and it won't work.

Think about it and talk with him...

gd luck

[louisecar]

I can't help but wonder why he felt the need to lie about sleeping with someone else while you were broken up especially when he knew you had slept with someone else. It sounds like he just wanted to make you feel bad for going that far and to make himself look the good guy. I think he is a pig for not telling you and letting you have unprotected sex with him without that knowledge. If he had told you then it would have been your conscious decision and responsibility. I would have difficulty trusting him after that. You've found him out to be a liar.

[uniqueme]

Whether he slept with the girl or not, all the issues in your relationship now and all the distrust will make it difficult for both of you if you can't resolve them before marriage

[shelty24]

He lied. That would be enough for me to end this.. you were always honest with him about everything. Sleeping with someone else is a big deal and he lied to your face.. will he lie again?

 

You need to say to him "i was always honest with you about everything so dont turn this back on me. Youve been lying to my face for months/years... i trusted you, i had unprotected sex with you because i believed there was noone else. Why did you lie to me? Why do you think its okay to make me feel horrible about guy 2 all the time when you did the same?

 

You need to decide whether your staying or not