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Hi, I am new here and slowly recovering...


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I have read alot of your posts and some I identified with, other didn't. But I am very pleased to see how the support system here could help proceed toward a higher spirituality.

 

I have met this girl last year around Nov. We took things slow, she is 36 , me almost 30. She's been divorced for about 5years and it was an emotionally abusive relationship. Before meeting me she also had a couple of short relationships that where also not even close to what we had this year. When we met she told me that her therapist urged her to take 3months away from me, to deal with some of the ex-marriages issues before going hard for me. He did not know me, and the effects i was having on her. After meeting me she started realizing things about herself that were improving dramatically and even told me she really had no more use for that therapist. Mind you that when I met her it was love at first sight for me and I really wanted to do the "right thing" for once in my relationships. I let things develop slowly, no needy stuff, and told her that true love is one where both people are free to do what they want but choose to stay together because they want to. We would walk to the beach, she would wash my clothes, i'dcook, she'd help me with my work, i'd help her in some of hers. (she is a math-prof./classical dancer).

As we progressed in our lives we got an apt to share in the city, while she got a smaller place in LI(where she teaches). We met each other's family, and then the biggest thing happened: She Proposed to me!!

It was the most beautiful thing in my entire life and I said yes. That was almost three month ago. Then 7 weeks ago, she came by my work and said we needed to be apart, she'd been going back and forth, we should split up. I was in complete shock!! Then she emailed me after 1month of NC saying she had finally started dealing with her ex-husband issues and was seing her therapist twice a week. She then left for Europe to perfom and once back called me to talk, acting as if I was a simple friend, small talks, all about her and nothing about us. She sounded as if she was brainwashed. I just stayed cool and took sometime to myself before calling her and telling her that I had treated her better than any other person, and never once saw her unhappy because of me. Sure relationships have doubts sometimes over arguments, but these were very few, and we always talked afterward for closure.

 

On the other hand my career is about to take off in a major way. But she was my family, patner, and best friend(we were pratically married). I am trying to make sense of what has happened to me, I did everything right, I would repeat everything I did, and the fact that she is now not even calling anymore. (she might be dating again...), some Dork probably!

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when a person (man or woman) gets out of an abusive relationship, there are LAYERS of issues that need to be dealt with. She never should have stopped seeing her therapist - as all she ended up doing with you was blocking the hurt and issues she had and pretending it never happened...hoping that all of her fears, insecurites etc. would just magically fade away...

 

it doesn't work that way.

 

The fact that you were oblivious to her still existant suffering, content to play house and plan a future without any regard to what her true needs were...and to allow her to stop seeing her therapist just because the advice she was given didn't suit you...(taking a break for a few months) pretty much put you on a crash course of destruction from the start.

 

Her therapy, was not about YOU. When a person is emotionally abused, they bend over backwards to please the person they want love from so badly, regardless if it is the right kind of love for them or not, and at great emotional tolls on themsleves. Your displeasure with the advice she got from her therapist made her stop working on her inner strength and more than likely she started back into old patterns...doing whatever it took to please you - just as she more than likely did with her ex....and losing that sense of self she was working so hard on gaining back.

 

The fact you seem to be so blindsided by her choice to step away from your relationship indicates for whatever reason...she was afraid to talk to you about how she felt...you didn't argue much beacsue, again, coming out of an emotionally abusive relationship...people are programmed NOT to displease their partner..,no mater how it makes themselves feel.

 

She recognized she was falling back into a pattern of behavior that was unacceptable. She realized she was losing her sense of self and self worth and chose to get that back. She is doing what makes HER happy...and if you love and car about her that much...you should be happy for her...

 

and if you two are meant to be, when she gets throught the entire process of healing from the pain she endured, you may have a chance...but right now...she needs to live life on her terms...probably for the very first time in a very long time....and you need to let her.

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and if you two are meant to be, when she gets throught the entire process of healing from the pain she endured, you may have a chance...but right now...she needs to live life on her terms...probably for the very first time in a very long time....and you need to let her.

 

 

I thank you anyway Ticklebug for your opinion. IT seems you must have gone throuhg the same and also had lost of therapy. I hope you came out of it well. It's now been 5 years since her divorce and I guess she is now deciding to deal with it with her therapist. I have nothing against her therapist(i don't know if he is right for her), I never told her to stop seing him and she never did stop. She just told me that she wasn't sure about his method since at some point in the past before...she thought his method was a bit too unprofessional, that they spoke about it and all is fine. She is indeed confused about alot, but knew that I would never force her to do anything against her will subconsiously or not. I am not that kind of a guy, and trully felt that this relationship, this person I met was so amazing and really was the one I had been searching for. In fact she found me.

As to being blindsided or Oblivious to her suffering....that kinda hurt that you'd say this. I Love her and even now, knowing that she is finally doing what is best for her, I still Love her this much!! Her decision to propose to marry me was not based on my inability to see her struggles. Her decision to want to spend the rest of her life with me wasn't based on some reverse psychology. I have to admit that when she met me she did say that she'd need to take time off from this realtionship and heal herself properly. That is not the same as saying "you have been suffering all year long in this realtionship". You'd think that I am responsible for the emotinal abuse she got from her ex husband. I am far far far the opposite of this. Depicting me as a selfish - selfcentered individualwhen I was the opposite isn't nice either.

I come from home, and wonder is this a Joke? then I realize that this is reality. In the beginning I was the one who was hesitant to open up, and even encouraged her to take care of her self, "do you", and let things happen on their own time. She is the one who got me to open up and really go for it since she trully loved me like no other...that I might be the one for her. These words uttered resonnate in me still and it is sad that you'd insinuate that I was unable to assist her and respect her wishes to deal with her sufferings.

 

I am all for regaining your sense of self(hell I am doing that right now), to live your life on your own time for the first time....Even if its at the expense of the Love of your Life! I will be ok!

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whoa - first off you misinterpreted some things I said...I'm not holding you responsible for anything...I'm saying it's her...

 

those who have been abused, do one hell of a good job covering up true feelings and emotions...they get used to hiding from the world the terrible life they had...it isn't a negative thing against you that you were blindsided...I'm just making you aware that there is still a lot in her that needs to be worked out...that she obviously didn't trust you as much as you probably think she did.

 

I apologize for my assumption that she quit going to her therapist...the way you wrote it seemed to indicate that she chose to rely on you instead. Mind you though, I never said YOU personally made her stop going.

 

Her decision to propose to marry me was not based on my inability to see her struggles. Her decision to want to spend the rest of her life with me wasn't based on some reverse psychology.

 

I never said that, in any way shape or form. I never mentioned anything about her proposal to you. Although now that you bring it up yourself, it was also her way of supressing her unresolved issues and hoping she could just get on with her life....something she figured out later was impossible.

 

You'd think that I am responsible for the emotinal abuse she got from her ex husband. I am far far far the opposite of this. Depicting me as a selfish - selfcentered individualwhen I was the opposite isn't nice either.

 

again...I never said this. You are a vicitim of someone else's deamons here. Once again, I go back to the fact that those who were abused do a great job of covering up what the inner turmoil truly is. That doesn't make you responsible for any of it. You are putting a lot of words in my "mouth". Never once did I call you self centered or selfish...just oblivious...and that can be a vicitm term.

 

it is sad that you'd insinuate that I was unable to assist her and respect her wishes to deal with her sufferings.

 

it is sad you were unable to assist her, but that, again, is not a poor reflection on you....a person who needs help has to be receptive of it, want it, be open to it..she wasn't...she pushed you away...a very common thing for abuse sufferers....they don't feel they deserve to be loved "normally".

 

Oh and in conclusion, no, I have never been in an abusive relationship. I'm speaking in the experience of dealing with those who have...it's what I do for a living.

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Thank you again for taking your time to post and tell me somethings I didn't think about. This is very hard for me...I have alot of amazing things happening in my life...the new company we're starting....and my new clients ect....I feel something positive is happening, but it breaks my heart toi know that my "partner" isn't around so I can share some of it with her(especially since she was there when we started thinking about it). I have read everything you've said, and i cannot find anything wrong with it. I maybe 29 but I am alot more mature than that. My mornings and nights are very tough, I feel like calling her just to hear her voice...but for the first time she is doing what is best for her and I will stay clear. I am doing fine and trying to heal but allow myself to feel, I was warned by her best friend the day after we met in nov 2003 that she may not be ready for a seroius relationship but she was a cool girl. I thought to myself we should simply take things easy and just work together...but I cannot explain how the attraction and passion was So strong between us like we had been waiting for each other for a long long long time. She even expressed to me that though I may be the one...the timming wasn't so great.

Looking back you would say that I should have stayed clear and just be friend. But I never would have matured, grown, learned to Love trully again the way i d did her this year. You will be surprised by this but somewhere inside me....even while I was going strong with her...i wanted her to JUst TAke Care of these issues Seriously once and for all so that we may Begin our lives together. A lot had been answered as to our philosophies, now its time for her to get some other answers dealing with her inner issues and her past. I am Trully Happy she is doing this(You see I must really Love her to use the word "Happy", since it used to be one of my superstisions!).

Now I have to continue to breath and eat and stay positive. I want you to know that despite what you said, I know she felt something special with me and still does. She said 6 weeks away wasn't enough so,It's now been 7 weeks since I saw her. We did the NC thing and now I could call her if I wanted to, but I am being respectful of what she is undertaking and staying clear. We still have alot of things in common like the 2nd apt, its account, and many other.

 

My dificulties are based on the way she left my life. The weekend before leaving me was one of the happiest time for the two of us, and the proposal was even Bigger than all my dreams(you would see this again as a cry for her to act normal). I have never done anything wrong to her physically or emotionally, she even told me that since meeting me although she had been certain of not having any kids, the thoughts did cross her mind here and there. She still would adopt...but she also still saw that posibility with me.

Look, I am not acting like an idiot or someone who is lost and cannot see. I just want to share my feelings and allow myself to completely heal inside and outside as she is (i hope) doing for herself. Maybe you're right she hid things from me, thinks she can't be loved....doesn't deserve to be..and maybe she suppressed some emotions. I have to stay here and watch it all unfold as she sees her therapist, hangs out with new friends, date ect...In a sense life should be HAPPIER for her than this TORTURE my love and I put her through.

 

And I do want her to be happy, even if not with me, she deserves it and I will support her here...maybe for the first time ....

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I just wanted to add to anyone who reads this and identifies with what I am going through that I have been going for councelling and it has been very helpfull. Merely my councellor has helped me realise that this is ultimately a gift "the most special girl I have met so far" has given me. We are now working on developing a relationship with myself, and I gotta say its quite strange and yet very intimate to look into oneself and trully ask all the questons and start answering them one at the time.

 

I am still missing my "sweety"...yes I am yet not used to saying "ex", and it is still hard on me sometimes. but on the other hand as I am working on Me, I realize that I am making some positiv improvements. I cannot tell you how much this has effected me....but I am so impressed at the way I have handled this. Now I am starting to feel like I am proud of what she is doing, yet you may catch me dropping a tear here and there. Do you think something is wrong with me?

 

So keep your chin up people, and take it one day at the time.

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I have a question for anyone. Is 7 weeks not enough before you even see your Ex? Not That I am seating here waiting or anything..but I think she might be counting the time apart.

 

Because we still share an apt in the City(she comes only 1 a week, but hasn't since she dropped this BombShell on my head!!), and I cannot afford it yet alone, but I love this place I have to know that at some point she;ll be back here to clean herself up...or to catch some snoozzz when I am not there.

 

I know this is something I have never done, but if you have any ideas on how I could cope with it when the time comes I would love to hear it. I want to believe that I am stronger and getting stronger as I get to know myself, the things I allow or not, and why. I know now that my relationship with myself will bring me to a higher spiritual place.

 

Any idea?

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If you feel strong enough to see her I would say it's ok. If you think it would set you back, I would still wait for awhile. It all depends on you.

 

I know at this point I'm not ready to see my ex again. I saw him on Friday, and it really hurt me. If you think you can see her without any expectations then it's ok.

 

I spoke to other people on the board too and it seems to happen to them too. Every contact feels like a set-back, but if you've moved past that girl-friend boyfriend state of mind, I would say go ahead.

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I think that as much as I was ready(pratically had the ring in my hand) to spend the rest of my life with her, I have been good recently allowing my selfsteem, my inner person to get a boost. I know that If I love myself and respect me, I will not allow that to happen. I think I cannot see myself dating anyone right now...including her. I just have some things to work on me first and you know what if its meant to be, than I will have back the strong person I fell in love with.

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I think that as much as I was ready(pratically had the ring in my hand) to spend the rest of my life with her, I have been good recently allowing my selfsteem, my inner person to get a boost. I know that If I love myself and respect me, I will not allow that to happen. I think I cannot see myself dating anyone right now...including her. I just have some things to work on me first and you know what if its meant to be, than I will have back the strong person I fell in love with.

 

I am a little confused by your story. Why do you feel the need to say that this relationship is over, that she is your "ex", that she is dating other people? Read the quote of yours above. I have a feeling that your thoughts echo her own. She has not cut all ties to you (the apartment). She has told you that she has some deep issues to work out in therapy, and that she could not be seriously involved with you while she did this. I doubt that she is looking for anyone else right now. It sounds like she needs to find herself again. You obviously mean a great deal to her, and she does not want to ruin what might be a good thing by having you around complicating her healing process. You understand your own need to be alone, try to understand hers as well.

 

I can not predict the future, but it sounds like both of you are doing the right thing. I think that there is a good chance for the two of you being together, perhaps soon.

 

Oh, and you did over-react and misinterpret a lot of what ticklebug said

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No, I really meant it that you were right about it all. Its just that I also am trying to selfpreserve myself and not be too vulneerable to the point in pathetic.

 

I think it is a human reaction to do that especially towards people you love so much. Obviously I think the two of us are mature enough to make sure that if we do finally decide to spend the rest of our lives together...there should not be any clouds or unresolved issues, for these things might cause us to blame and hurt one another. It's just....And you can relate...that I miss her face so much!!!

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Tomorrow, her and I have been invited to this annnual house party in the city, and also our chi gong instructor is performing earlier the same day and we've been invited. I am ok, I might not be able to attend one of the events but I told myself that I would have a great time and go . ANy ideas as to your own experiences..?

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Tomorrow, her and I have been invited to this annnual house party in the city, and also our chi gong instructor is performing earlier the same day and we've been invited. I am ok, I might not be able to attend one of the events but I told myself that I would have a great time and go . ANy ideas as to your own experiences..?

 

Difficult to say, only you can answer this one. Will you be going "together", or will you just happen to both be at the same events?

 

Lisa and I have both agreed that we will not be able to go to the same events (New Year's etc.) for a while. I think that for us this is best, but everyone is different. She did invite me to her cottage over the holidays, but that would just me her and I and her family, not really a social group. Still, I think that I will politely decline.

 

I am off to my company's Christmas party now. I will give this some more thought and let you know if I have any bright ideas.

 

Later,

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Thanks Mentor. ANd no we're not going together to any of these events. In fact this will be the first time we see each other since oct 15!

Man this is so bizzarre!!!

 

I think I am going to take some friends with me just so to make things comfortable. I know I can handle this and will not allow myself to take any"poison" in my life. IT could also be nice to just chill out and breath.

 

This is so weird and I feel like I am in a twilight Zone episode. Again I am not even sure she'd show up..she encouraged me to go...but I am doind much better now and I don;t want to ruin this progress...I will not let it!

So hurry with ideas!

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LOL, I love that emoticon!

 

From your previous posting, it sounds to me like you should go. Bringing some friends is a great idea, they will act as a buffer and a distraction if you need it.

 

About those 2 e-mails in 2 days, again it is hard to say. She is probably setting up an automated birthday reminder in her calendar, but who knows. I don't think that I would read too much into it. That is our curse as we sit here and try to heal. We always read way too much into every little scrap of contact.

 

You are doing a good job moving forward with your life. I would keep doing what you are doing and try not to let these little things suck you back down. Trust me, if and when she is ever ready to come back, it will be obvious.

 

Take care,

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So I just got back from the party and it was really nice again to be with the ladies and Do my thing with them. Many of them were checking me out...and I kept thinking how much my "special someone is missing out" in me. I am not sure if she showed up since I got there a bit later, but once there I rarely thought about her. My confidence got a nice boost tonight...though I am not ready to date again(since a month ago I was planning on getting married )...i do feel like I have so much to offer a woman who would trully deal with her issues and make up her mind and want to be with me for Real this time.

The party was quite busy with lots of females....I made sure i looked good tonight, but still be a bit casual and that worked for me. I think I shook my booty with a few girls on the dance floor, smiled a lot, and I am not sure but a couple of girls from London want to hang out tomorrow. I think they are leaving on monday?? I didn't drink that much...but I felt a bit light headed so will see if all that really happened

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How are you Mentor?

 

I have been pretty quiet around here lately It's because I have been pretty down. You are doing so much better than me I can barely leave my apartment. Lisa is away in the Caribbean enjoying herself and has already started meeting new guys She did say that she had to go on this trip to get away from everything. I think that she is missing me a lot, but still I harbour no hope of getting back together. In fact, as I have said before, I was unhappy in this relationship, and was glad that she sensed this and ended things, but I miss her so much She was so pretty, and soft in all the right places, and did all sorts of cool things with me like mountain biking and playing guitar. It was like going out with one of the guys, but a gorgeous and really cuddly one

 

I wish that I had cool parties to go to like you do. All of my friends are married, most have kids. They aren't much fun for me to be around, and I'm not much fun for them either

 

The worst part is this is Sunday. That means Sunday night is coming. Sunday night has always been a lonely time for me, even when I am in a relationship. I don't really know why. The last two times I ODed on pills/alcohol were on Sunday nights I am going to go to a movie tonight (alone ) to try to take my mind off of things....

 

Wish me luck

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In fact, as I have said before, I was unhappy in this relationship, and was glad that she sensed this and ended things.

Just so I am clear what would make you happy right now?? Is it lisa coming back into your harms...or her company....or something else? I am not sure but I think you're not so sure you don't want her back.

 

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In fact, as I have said before, I was unhappy in this relationship, and was glad that she sensed this and ended things.

Just so I am clear what would make you happy right now?? Is it lisa coming back into your harms...or her company....or something else? I am not sure but I think you're not so sure you don't want her back.

 

 

Ha! Good question!

 

I think that I am grieving the loss of my sweetheart. Even though she was not overly warm and affectionate, Lisa and I did have a great time together. We were very compatible, it is hard to imagine meeting someone as compatible again. If this relationship didn't work out - how will the next one?!? We have both lost this now, and it has left a void in our lives. I am weak, and if Lisa did come back to me, I would probably welcome her back. Part of it is that I believe that we could work on the emotional intimacy that was missing, and that things might improve. Mostly however it is just that I want to fill that void. I don't think that this would be a good idea, but even partners who have been abused will often welcome their abusive exs back, right? Lisa was far from abusive towards me.

 

Far better would be to meet someone new who would give all the love and warmth that I deserve. That would make me happy.

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