Hi, I am new here and slowly recovering...

[GreatGuy]

In fact, as I have said before, I was unhappy in this relationship, and was glad that she sensed this and ended things.

Just so I am clear what would make you happy right now?? Is it lisa coming back into your harms...or her company....or something else? I am not sure but I think you're not so sure you don't want her back.

 

 

Ha! Good question!

 

I think that I am grieving the loss of my sweetheart. Even though she was not overly warm and affectionate, Lisa and I did have a great time together. We were very compatible, it is hard to imagine meeting someone as compatible again. If this relationship didn't work out - how will the next one?!? We have both lost this now, and it has left a void in our lives. I am weak, and if Lisa did come back to me, I would probably welcome her back. Part of it is that I believe that we could work on the emotional intimacy that was missing, and that things might improve. Mostly however it is just that I want to fill that void. I don't think that this would be a good idea, but even partners who have been abused will often welcome their abusive exs back, right? Lisa was far from abusive towards me.

 

Far better would be to meet someone new who would give all the love and warmth that I deserve. That would make me happy.

 

Ok Mentor, I think in a nut shell there lie your problem. It seems to me that you have to be completely honest with yourself, give you some credits as well. You said that emotional intimacy was missing, if so have you spoken to Lisa about that? Next if you were waiting for things to end was that to preserve yourself from the pain you had in the relationship or was it that you Truly didn't have that connection to take it to the next step?

You say that I am doing better than you, but you know what my situation is a bit crazy because my special one kept telling me all the time how much She was gonna keep me, that she had been waiting for someone like myself...all the way until she Proposed to marry me. Now she did warn me early that she had some issues to work out and that maybe now wasn't the right time. I support her...But I am dealing with the fact that I am doing what I think is best in the new relationship I want to have with me. She is doing what is best for her, and if things progress well, we should be both stronger independently of one's influence. She knows I love her and she told me the same.(man that's hard )

That is why i am wondering why you aren't beginning YOUR OWN WORK on YOU. You deserver that at least and it's not worth punishing you so much so often over and over. You have a dillemma: You want that void Lisa filled back, but you don;t want things with lisa to be so un-intimate, and not have that charge. Yet you have this image that you were very compatible, but again you think you were waiting for things to end. Mentor I think you too are confused a bit(I could be wrong), and Lisa is very confused with her things. Although I don't think you should worry so much about the people she's dating out there in vacation(that could only be short) and she could come back to you, But the biggest thing to focus on right now Is YOU. If she came back how do you know things won't fall back to sour again? Well the best thing and only thing you can change is YOU first. You have to start taking some control in this matter. I feel like I have that power now, If I choose to accept my baby back it will be up to me, not her, not the emptiness I feel right now(sex with her was ssooooooogoooooooddd), and afterward it was even betterrrrr. We cannot see each other right now because the electricity between us is CRAZY. I have never felt anything like this before.

Yet I think working on me is the best thing I owe to me.

 

ps: Please take some times and pump you up, drugs don't help and today maybe you should challenge this Sunday and do things a bit positively. My money is on you man!

[Mentor]

You said that emotional intimacy was missing, if so have you spoken to Lisa about that?

 

Yes, we did, but only near the end. All along we were both subconsciously aware that there was something missing, but ignored it because everything else was so good. We both really wanted this to work, but as our 1 year anniversary approached we were forced to examine where we were, and that is when we saw the problem. We talked at length about this, and decided that we need to try to spend more quality time together to build intimacy. Lisa gave up on this plan after only 2 weeks, feeling that love is one thing that you can not "work on". I am not so convinced, especially considering her past traumatic experience with love, but accepted her decision to end it.

 

Next if you were waiting for things to end was that to preserve yourself from the pain you had in the relationship or was it that you Truly didn't have that connection to take it to the next step?

 

The scary thing was that I was prepared to accept things as they were and take the relationship to the next step. Near the end of the relationship I asked Lisa if we should move in together. We really clicked together during our 2-week vacation in BC this summer, and it seems to be the logical thing to do. She declined, and foolishly I did not read between the lines.

 

That is why i am wondering why you aren't beginning YOUR OWN WORK on YOU. You deserver that at least and it's not worth punishing you so much so often over and over.

 

You know me so well! I do have a tendency to self-destruct and punnish myself. To explore why is too deep for this forum I suspect, however I am seeing a therapist to try to get over this.

 

You have a dillemma: You want that void Lisa filled back, but you don;t want things with lisa to be so un-intimate, and not have that charge. Yet you have this image that you were very compatible, but again you think you were waiting for things to end. Mentor I think you too are confused a bit(I could be wrong), and Lisa is very confused with her things.

 

+1. I am very confused, but I don't think that Lisa is confused. She know exactly what she is doing. That is not to say that it is easy for her, but she knows that this path is best for both of us.

 

Although I don't think you should worry so much about the people she's dating out there in vacation(that could only be short).

 

Sadly (for me), the guys that she is seeing are here. She is a very attractive, outgoing, social girl. I knew that she would have no problem attracting new guys very quickly. I also know that none will easily replace me 8)

 

Thanks for all of the thought and support. It means a lot to me.

[GreatGuy]

No problem Mentor...we're here for you

Beside we're all very aware of each others feelings since many of what happened with you guys happened to all of us as well. Please keep your chin up and keep up seing the therapist. Do you know what would have happened if you had said No Lisa I don't want to end things with you! Girls often get this Crazy idea that True love is one when No one has to work at anything....everything is peachy....almost like a F@#@$ stupid azz fairytale!!!!! This is so much crap and if it was true than not half of all marriage end in Divorce!!! Do you guys get my point!!

 

This is real life, people have issues all the time, things happened people evolve and grow, and work must be constantly done. You cannot trully say that you KNow someone completely when they don't even know themselves.

 

If my baby decided to come back, although I am certain that I would have been by then a Bigger-Stronger mentally and spiritually person because of this New Relationship I am developping with me, I cannot seat her and say that everything will be happy happy joy joy! One thing for sure I will know what I allow, how nobody can affect me unless I allow them to, my life from now is not to server or benefit that of others but mine. If you come in my life you will get alot!(on your own), but you WILL ONLY BE A CHERRY ON TOP OF THE CAKE!

 

Its time to start having some pride & dignity back, not a time to be bitter and sad. I am down in morning and nights but mostly I am grateful to have someone I love like her and know that will never change. Be COol DUDE 8)

[ebola316]

Mentor, I know how your're feeling. i am weak too, and probably would take him right back in a second.

 

I don't know how long it would take to fall right back into the old pattern and problems. We lived together 2 years and also had intimacy problems. I alway felt I loved more than him, and I guess I was right, because while I'm sitting here, literally physically and mentally ill, he doesn't even call to see how I am.

 

We broke up briefly in July, and I groveled and begged and he came back. Though we both pledged to work on the relationship, the old problems didn't take long to resurface.

 

I like you, am isolated in a strange town, and I sit and look at walls, knowing he is having a good time with someone else, and is not even thinking about me.

 

What can I do? I've tried to fight the pain, but I can't. I've tried to rationalize by thinking he'll be back, but he probably won't. I've tried talking to different men and making new friends. So far, it hasn't helped.

 

We just have to deal with the situation and handle it as well as we can. We have no choice.

[GreatGuy]

I got back from my CHi Gong class with her instructor(mine as well) and it was really good. I know the teacher does see her and It was funny how she was happy to see me.

Now my special one was not there since she was working...

 

I am staying up

[GreatGuy]

Got some great help from TickleBug. She is awesome

[GreatGuy]

Hi everyone! I just spoke to my "special one" 's best friend today. She asked how I was doing and that she had seen her two days ago. But because she was on the run m she could not speak much about anything. I asked her if she was given any reason for our breakup? she said not really and that she had somethings to tell me about her. So I went ahead and told her that did she know that my ex had asked to marry me before leaving me? She was like Oh my God!!! So I told her to keep it between us. And she asked me the same as she was telling me things she had noticed about her...things like the mood around her, the fact that my ex has recently been so depressing....almost bored....not together.....and she said that she was starting to get worried. She also told me one of my fears : That she was aware that my ex had told her about the fact that her curent therapist was trying to hit on her....and that she felt that since she started seeing that therapist her life had started to get worst!

I was like oh my god this prooves that i am not crazy, she may need some help but I am not crazy!! Her best friend told me the reason she started staying away from her was because she was very critical of everything, had to analyse everything, and more important did not allow herself to be Loved when someone great came along!!!! That really hit home to what TickleBug said. Like being happy is something she does'nt deserve and really wants to have a reason to be unhappy everytime things are starting to get good.

 

She said she would speak to her because life is short and she is very worried about her, and wants to tell her why she felt their friendship had gone down abit. She said that she really things taht I am a "GreatGuy" and that she'd wish we'd get back together, that my "special one" requires to find what is wrong with her, the pills she'd been taking and her insecurity issues. I think that if she found a new therapist even that would be better than the one she has. I do not trust him and feel very bad about that. I told her that I cannot help, she needs to find herself, I was very good to her, and probably one of the very best thing of the year. She needs to work on her first !!

[Mentor]

and she said that she was starting to get worried. She also told me one of my fears : That she was aware that my ex had told her about the fact that her curent therapist was trying to hit on her....and that she felt that since she started seeing that therapist her life had started to get worst!

 

The bond that forms between a therapist and his/her patient can be very powerful. I got quite attached to my previous (male!?!) therapist. Not in the way you describe, but it was still very strong. After only 2 visits to my current (female) councellor, I am already developing a bit of a crush.

I don't really know what you can do about this, but it is troubling. At least her friends seem to know what is going on, and they seem to be watching out for her.

 

and more important did not allow herself to be Loved when someone great came along!!!! That really hit home to what TickleBug said. Like being happy is something she does'nt deserve and really wants to have a reason to be unhappy everytime things are starting to get good.

 

My previous ex (not Lisa) left me on the premise that (to make a long story short) I made her happy, and somehow she was not comfortable being happy. Lots of unresolved childhood issues, this is really tough to work through. I know exactly what you are going through here.

 

Keep up the great attitude! You are my inspiration

 

 

[GreatGuy]

Thank you so much dude!!! It means alot and i will stay strong ...for me...for others like us..FOr ME...FOr LOve....for Santa Clause

[GreatGuy]

Hi everyone, any ideas how I could tell her kindly without making her feel like she has to get out of my life that I don't think she should not give any contributions to the apt we share when she is not using it or coming by for a month?? She plans of using next year alot and says she wants to keep paying her part, and would like to use the place as it was originally meant to be when we got it. We even said we'd deal as adult about it if we were divorced(of course we didnt get this far...close)

We have other bills we share together, they are on our name since we were planning on getting married

Its only 250 a month to cover phone plan we share...and other things..Like joint bank account. I just want her to know that I care , I am strong and won't take advantage of her. How do you think I could say this?

I want to do the right thing...the right way.

 

Thanks!

[ticklebug]

The bond that forms between a therapist and his/her patient can be very powerful. I got quite attached to my previous (male!?!) therapist. Not in the way you describe, but it was still very strong. After only 2 visits to my current (female) councellor, I am already developing a bit of a crush.

 

this isn't as uncommon as you might think....crushes on therapists...she is someone new in your life, has her head on straight and is willing to help you through a rough time...once you two really get to know each other and get into the THERAPY side of therapy (since she is somewhat starting at ground zero with you) she won't seem as great anymore...LOL. The feeling passes, it's pretty much a displacement of other frustrations you have. IF however, you find your feelings getting stronger, and as embarrassing as it might be to you, you need to tell her so that she can help you recognize why you are displacing your feelings onto her...and help you past it.

 

The male therapist, you admired him because you went to him first, at a time when you were REALLY a basket case...and he got you through the worst part of it...you respect his knowledge...that isn't a bad thing.

[Mentor]

Hi Ticklebug

 

Yeah, I know it's not uncommon. I would not have much difficulty talking to my current therapist about it, if as you say my feelings get stronger. I looked at my male therapist as perhaps a mentor , the male role models that I have had in my life have been...disappointing. He was too young to be seen as a father figure, but perhaps an older brother sort of thing?

[ticklebug]

very well could have been

[Mentor]

Hmmm, I'm not really sure about this but I'm going to speak up anyway

 

I think that you know that I can understand fully the delicate balance that you percieve between not wanting to take advantage of her, and not wanting to make her feel that you are pushing her away. I am struggling with a similar dilemma in my life.

 

First off, are you really sure that this is a big deal? I mean we are only talking about one month where she might not be using the apartment. It is not like she will never be there again. I don't see how this is taking advantage of her, or even how it could be percieved as such. Is this really what you are feeling, or could there be a deeper motive? Just a question from a distant not-so stranger

 

If you really want to pursue this, if I were you I would simply offer to relieve her of this payment for the month. She can either accept or decline your offer. You should graciously accept her decision either way, and not make a big deal out of it.

 

Just my 2 cents. I hope it helps in some way.

 

I talked to my therapist about my letter, and Lisa's renewed offer to visit with her over the holidays. Spent pretty much the entire hour on it. We even went into overtime LOL. I am even more confused and weak now than I was before. I have a lot more soul-searching to do

[GreatGuy]

About the apt...I don't think its a big deal..I was just trying to be a GreaTGuy

I figured out a better way of handling it after speaking with many of you guys. Thanks so much!

 

Mentor have you given us a Formal update as to what happened after you sent the letter? Did you do it? As she called you again?

 

Well we're here so tell us all bout it!

[Mentor]

Mentor have you given us a Formal update as to what happened after you sent the letter? Did you do it? As she called you again?

 

Well we're here so tell us all bout it!

 

I have not yet sent the letter. I am confused now I will update you all once I have a clearer head. I might need the advice of some of you...you know who you are

 

Thanks all...

[GreatGuy]

Were' here all the time....

 

I feel much better today. A sense of calm is around me...I am still vulnerable but It I am controlled. Not too up....not too down.. Just right!

 

I miss her...but I smile because I have me. I am going slowly but surely towards this light. I think I have decided not to date for another 4months. I have a few things to work out in my own life and this last relationship was so wonderfull .....Even now I feel so.

 

I am da Bomb, she was hot as well...but maybe the timimng is not there and I just got to keep being me and it will all fall into places!

[GreatGuy]

Oh by the way after this long...she has decided to call me....but I was not ready to pick it up. She left a message and I have yet to listen to it.

 

I was a bit nervous when I saw her name (something many have spoken about), but deep inside I felt good, serene. I am not worried about anything. I love her so deeply ...and yet today I have decided to take 4 months off to develop my new relationship with ME. I am excited about that prospect I should have done it along time ago...but now it took this seperation from her to cause that to happen.

[Mentor]

Wow, quite a development! When are you going to listen to it? Let me know how it goes, I am here is you need to talk! Well, actually I have a hockey game tonight, so I will be out from 9-midnight, but I am here for you otherwise!

 

I know you can do this

[GreatGuy]

I have a late session that requires all my strenght...and I don't want to have any thing disturb that. I will check it out probably very very late!!

 

I hope you're all here to pick me up..

[LilithCave22]

I was a bit nervous when I saw her name (something many have spoken about), but deep inside I felt good, serene.

 

I hope it's ok if I jump in with my comments on this one... isn't it the strangest feeling when they call or text message us? I mean I check the display of my phone all the time knowing there will be nothing there and then all the sudden they text you and your heart jumps... at the same time, you can't answer or respond!! I was just thinking about that earlier today because my ex sent me a text message. I'm completely torn because I want to reply and I want to see her but I know I have to ignore it and keep moving on.... but it feels good just to know they still think about you!

[Strandysmommy]

I used to just wait on pins and needles for him to TM, IM, call... now I'd get a feeling of dread. When he IM'd me the day before Thanksgiving, it was like "arrrg, man. I don't want to talk to you, I don't want to let loose on you...I could very easily."

 

Even as I am over him, I'd prolly be uncomfortable talking to him, I'm interested in someone else, and I think the someone else might be interested in me too...I'd be too tempted to rub it in his face.

[GreatGuy]

Well I am about to listen to the voicemessage she left .....I just don't understand why I am so freaked out about this one! I know that I am stronger...and that I am feeling much better....In fact this is funny. I was speaking to a someone about how I am not worried so much...how I am much better emotionally ....and then all of the sudden without finishing my sentence the phone rings...and its her pic on the screen. I went like ahhhhh!!! What is going on? My friend who knows all about us, got angry and said even answer it.....delete it....and if you must answer give it like three days and drop a very short short reply.

 

Well I just woke up, frozen.... I am not sure why she called now? I am doing better than the way I am acting now.....I know it!!

Ok I will listen to it. ENOUGH ALREADY!!

[GreatGuy]

Ok Everyone I DID IT!!!

 

Here is what it said:

 

"Hi Inz', its me!!! I was thinking of you and thought I'd call. I am pretty much much around this evening grading papers and I will be up pretty late so give me a call ....or I will try you later! Bye!!"

 

 

I knew i'd be ok...i think this was one of those calls...a lot of Perks in her voice(i know about what it means)... I think deep inside I know what I must do....but I am open to suggestions. By the time I get back onto the site....I can expect losts of reply!! Be honest as always.

 

Thanks Team!!

[Mentor]

Ok Everyone I DID IT!!!

 

Here is what it said:

 

"Hi Inz', its me!!! I was thinking of you and thought I'd call. I am pretty much much around this evening grading papers and I will be up pretty late so give me a call ....or I will try you later! Bye!!"

 

 

I knew i'd be ok...i think this was one of those calls...a lot of Perks in her voice(i know about what it means)... I think deep inside I know what I must do....but I am open to suggestions. By the time I get back onto the site....I can expect losts of reply!! Be honest as always.

 

Thanks Team!!

 

I wonder if our exes have any comprehension of the sort of emotional turmoil that these little calls, e-mails, etc. put us through. You seemed more prepared than most of us here to move on, and still, look what it did to you. I doubt that they do, or they at least aren't thinking of us at the time that they make these calls. I tried to explain to Lisa why I did not want her to e-mail me at work, and why I had to block her e-mails at home, and she honestly just couldn't get it! I explained until I was blue in the face, and finally in frustration she said something along the lines of if that is what you want, but you seem to be shutting me out of your life. How am I supposed to contact you?" W-T-F Lisa? We shut each other out of our lives when we decided to END OUR RELATIONSHIP! What is it about end that they don't get? (I didn't say any of that to her, by the way...)

 

Only you know what you have to do about this, and I think I know what you will do. I can tell you what I would likely do, you know that path that I have chosen in my situation, so I think that you will understand. The fact that I don't have call display actually seems to make things easier for me. I never know who is on the other end when I answer the phone. I would wait for her to call back, but I would answer this time if it was a good time for me. I would be friendly and strong. If she asks why I didn't call back, I would claim to have been busy. If she presses this issue, I would tell her the truth, how her calling makes me feel. Perhaps she was having a low/lonely moment, and won't call again.

 

Let me know how it goes. My thoughts are with you!

 

Hey, that girl I met on the internet called last night. We talked for an hour before I had to leave for my game. A great conversation, she is a really interesting person, with a great job. We have tentatively scheduled a face to face meeting after Christmas 8)