When you get to the "What was I thinking???" point!

[t1lersm0m1]

I came to this website because I went through a break up in September. Two days after the break up I talked to my 15 year old son about it. I told him I planned to text E (the most recent ex) on his birthday and take things from there. My son, who is pretty mature and insightful for his age (we were at an amusement park on a ferris wheel when he said this) replies "Maybe that time will come and you won't want to contact him anymore."

 

Our break up was September 6. E's birthday is December 14th. I was convinced I would want to contact him to wish him a Happy Birthday and "open the door". I am now convinced that I have no desire to open the door. I realized today at the gym that I arrived at the "OMG what was I thinking??" stage!

 

For the first 2+ months our relationship was great. It started going downhill when he canceled coming to my Cinco De Mayo party, and blamed his oldest son, saying he was giving him a hard time about his younger (16 yo) son. However, a few weeks later his son was kinda insinuating he didn't want his Dad at baccalaureate. E didn't go, even though I told him he should go, sit in the back, make sure his son saw him, and keep his mouth shut. His son texted him the next day and said he really wanted him there but he didn't want a repeat of the bark for life event. The bark for life event was the day of my Cinco De Mayo party. So I asked him what that meant. And he said that his wife (he is separated) was there and brought her boyfriend. She tried talking to E, and he wanted nothing to do with talking to her.

 

He also told me his wife sent him an email on Easter that sounded like she was having regrets (she kicked him out). I later read the email (he left his email signed in, I was sitting next to him on his laptop, and helped myself. I immediately told him I read it). The email had absolutely no regret in it. To sum it up, she said "I realize we had more bad years than good. We started out as friends, why can't we go back to being friends. I heard you are seeing someone, I hope you're happy". It was much longer email, but that was the summary. Not even a little hint of regret to me.

 

So my Cinco De Mayo party was early May. We broke up a week after Memorial Day (the first time). We were broken up for six weeks. I was in TN on vacation in mid-July. We kept in touch the six weeks we were broken up. While I was in TN he started flipping out because his wife posted a pic of her boyfriend on FB and tagged their sons in the pic. He felt she was "forcing" him on their sons. He was so angry and upset. I said to him "Wow, I really thought you might be ready to date again." He said "I'm not going back! I'm trying to avoid her." (He wasn't going back because she didn't want him back. But I knew, even when we were together, that if she would take him back he would drop me in a New York minute).

 

They had a birthday party for their 16 year old son in May as well. He kept telling me his son didn't want the boyfriend there. Then he told me his wife told their son he (E, not the son) needs to grow up. I said why do you need to grow up? He said because I don't want him there either. That's OUR house that we built together.

 

We got back together after I came home from TN in July. Our last weekend together I asked him if he wanted me to go to his son's football game (I spent Labor Day weekend there,his son had a game Saturday morning). He said "If you want, but you need to shake a leg." I said "That's not what I asked, do YOU want me there." He said "No, I wasn't going to ask."

 

The next day I asked him why he didn't want me at his son's game. He said "I didn't know if M (his wife) would be there, and I didn't want to cause trouble."

 

I am looking back on it all and asking how I could be such an idiot??? How could I love a man, and continue staying with a man, who didn't love me because he loved someone else?

 

I don't blame him. He wasn't lying to me, he was lying to himself. I truly hope he gets over his wife and finds his confidence (he has very low self-esteem which also caused a lot of trouble in our relationship), and falls in love with a woman who deserves him.

 

And I don't really have regrets...I consider this a learning experience. I don't consider the six months a waste of time. I learned a lot about myself.

 

Feel free to share your "What was I thinking?" experiences!

[deejay74]

I wish I had that moment. I'm still waiting for it and can't wait until that happens.

 

I'm at the stage where I know my ex and I weren't meant for each other and post break up things got really bad but my heart misses her and I still think about her everyday, even though I'm angry.

 

I sort of envy you. I want to be at your stage so badly and so quickly.

[savignon]

I feel the same way about my most recent ex....and my ex husband for that matter but we had a beautiful baby which makes that whole disaster okay and a happy part of my history. My most recent ex was not available in any way, shape or form for a relationship but I heard what I wanted to hear until I really couldn't ignore things any longer. Like you, I don't think it was a "waste" since it was a short time...in the grand scheme of things I'll take a good 6 month "lesson" over many other possibilities.

Very happy now....leaving something not good for you in the past feels great!

[t1lersm0m1]

You'll get there. It takes time. The longer the relationship, the harder it is I think. Also, your hopefulness/hopelessness afterward. I was very full of hope for my future post break up. So while I was broken hearted, I wasn't devastated and hopeless. My relationship was only six months...a long time, but not years.

 

You'll get there. Time and a positive outlook will help. You're 39 so chances are this isn't your first break up. Think back to your last broken heart. You healed from that and now possibly don't even think about that person. That day will come for your most recent ex.

 

I wish I had that moment. I'm still waiting for it and can't wait until that happens.

 

I'm at the stage where I know my ex and I weren't meant for each other and post break up things got really bad but my heart misses her and I still think about her everyday, even though I'm angry.

 

I sort of envy you. I want to be at your stage so badly and so quickly.

[t1lersm0m1]

I am of the mindset that it's better to have love and lost than never to have loved at all. While he didn't love me, I truly loved him. My feelings were real and true. He definitely cared for me, and I got some fulfillment from the relationship.

 

Go us!

 

I feel the same way about my most recent ex....and my ex husband for that matter but we had a beautiful baby which makes that whole disaster okay and a happy part of my history. My most recent ex was not available in any way, shape or form for a relationship but I heard what I wanted to hear until I really couldn't ignore things any longer. Like you, I don't think it was a "waste" since it was a short time...in the grand scheme of things I'll take a good 6 month "lesson" over many other possibilities.

Very happy now....leaving something not good for you in the past feels great!

[deejay74]

You'll get there. It takes time. The longer the relationship, the harder it is I think. Also, your hopefulness/hopelessness afterward. I was very full of hope for my future post break up. So while I was broken hearted, I wasn't devastated and hopeless. My relationship was only six months...a long time, but not years.

 

You'll get there. Time and a positive outlook will help. You're 39 so chances are this isn't your first break up. Think back to your last broken heart. You healed from that and now possibly don't even think about that person. That day will come for your most recent ex.

 

No this isn't my first break up, but definitely the worst. The 2nd worst one I actually do think about from time to time but very rarely.

 

I am doing what I can to move on but I am beginning to think I am being too hard on myself and trying to hard to rush things. As you know, it's just an awful place to be in and a very sad state of mind.

 

This recent relationship was 10 months but we got really close and it got really deep very fast.

[AutumnBorn]

I had that moment after writing down all the horrible things my ex said and did to me. I had a goal of writing down ten items. It ended with over 100, written over a couple of days. I asked myself "why would I volunteer for more emotional abuse from an immature imbecile?" Seeing it all written down, it was a true eye opener.

 

Last night I remembered something else he'd done - sent a semi-nude photo of me to someone and he later found it on a commercial website. Came running to show me. He was/is so sleazy.

[t1lersm0m1]

I actually felt relief at first when he broke up with me, and I knew he did me a favor. The first day back to work I made my list of what bothered me about him. It was really quite long. I wish that had helped me heal sooner, but it still took me six weeks to heal fully. I now only occassionally think of him, and wonder how he is, but I know in my heart if he called me tomorrow and said what a horrible mistake he made, I would not take him back. I'm in the early stages of seeing someone new right now who is a MUCH better fit. No kids, so no kid drama. No recent ex (most recent ex is 2 years ago). Wants kids (previous ex had a vasectomy). Has self-confidence (so far, it's still early).

 

So yeah, I really think making a list of the things you didn't like helps give you perspective. Having hope and a positive outlook, as well as improving my self-confidence, I think really helped me heal sooner.

[lioness726]

Wow, way to go. I wish I could say the same. My ex and I were (officially) together for six months and we also both split in September. It's been 8 weeks for me now, and I definitely don't feel as bad. I haven't really cried in awhile and the mornings don't feel like someone staked me through the chest anymore. Although, I am still sad and hurt. I miss a lot of things. I don't feel worthless (never did after the break up) and while sometimes I wonder why the hell he didn't fall in love with me, I also understand that it has nothing to do with me. Like your ex, t1lersm0m1, my ex also had an issue with getting over his previous ex before me. He and I "dated" for about 4 months last year (dated is in parenthesis because he called it hanging out and he said he wasn't looking for anything). But unbeknownst to me, he was fresh out of a breakup then. He pursued me and I was already in a position where I had been single for two years, got over all my ex issues, and was looking for something real. No booty calls or friends with benefits. However, his ex apparently was trying to get him back and he kept saying no- then she ended up with some new guy. When he realized things were getting heavier with us, he tried to do the "let's just be friends" bit last December. I told him we were never friends and to f*** off. Two months later, in March, I ran into him at a bar on his birthday- things got heavy, then sure enough, we were boyfriend and girlfriend.

 

During the time we were together his ex was still heavily within his circle of friends but she was very much in love with her new guy, they live together, and even got matching tattoos (eww, in my opinion on the tattoos). BUT my ex wouldn't even talk to her or look at her if she was at the same party or event. It was kind of ridiculous. He never brought her up in conversation and it was as if she just didn't exist to him anymore. It was weird because he talked of her last year during those months we were "dating" but when we were officially a couple, he never did. It was as if he "hated" her or something.

 

I'm starting to think that when he met her years ago- he pursued her and actually wanted a relationship. They were together for 2 and a half years, he loved her, and they moved in together. Then it started to all fall apart. The difference between my relationship with him and what he had with her is that he actually tried with her. He wanted that relationship. It has nothing to do with me. I wasn't the first girl he met or slept with after they broke up though- he was adamant about not wanting to make me a rebound and he told me many times how he wished things were different. The first time we dated, he told me that he wished he met me later, after all the crap with his ex was over. So I think he really did want to be with me and kind of forced himself into it because he didn't want to lose me. We really were extremely compatible- his friends all thought I was the one, they called us two peas in a pod. He, according to friends even now, still has nothing bad to say about me. I honestly think he couldn't fall in love with me because he's still so stunted and screwed up from his past- and on top of it, I think he gave up. It became too serious and heavy for him so he couldn't handle it.

 

I guess you really have to get over your past demons to move on and have something healthy. I wish I could say I'm where you are but I've never felt the kind of connection I had with him with anyone else... But, maybe there IS better out there. Who knows? I just wish I wasn't still in love with the guy- I wish I could take him off that pedestal and be happy and feel like he did me a favor. So- I commend you on your success of moving on.