How do you actually love yourself

[Horus94]

Long story short, my ex strung me along and left me for another guy. I have become an emotional wreck. I literally spend the whole day sitting on the computer and locking myself in my room surfing forums trying to figure out "ways to get my ex back" or if "she still has feelings for me" or tips to move on.

 

I have done almost nothing productive other than perhaps going to the gym. I'm neglecting my studies and my hygiene and health. Its like i don't have the will to live anymore. I love my ex, and when i was still with her, i would consciously find ways to improve my appearance, would work on my hobbies and passion and just be happy. Subconsciously i think i did all this to try and please her and make her stay. I'd buy gifts for her and was always there for her when she needed someone to talk to.

 

Now i realize how miserable i've become since she left. Its like i don't even view myself as worthy enough to be loved by myself. How do i overcome this? I really want to experience that same joy for life while i was still with my ex - but alone. I'm okay without the companionship, the physical intimacy and all that. I just want to be able to be happy living my own life.

[mbee]

How long ago did this happen? From your threads... it looks like this happened back in September? If so, this is a very short amount of time. Breakups are rough. You will have doubts in yourself, life, love and relationships and that is 100% normal. It becomes a big problem if you have a hard time moving on or never quit that type of thinking. Either way, try to be patient with yourself. Being left for another person is one of the worse feelings imaginable. It's normal for you to be feeling this way. It's not a healthy mentality but is completely normal for the first few months after your breakup.

 

I have a really blessed life and felt miserable after the breakup for about 4 months. Now it's been almost 7 months and I feel so much happier and really love myself, but even now there are days where I feel miserable. The last day this happened was on Monday, and then before that it was a month ago. Just be patient with yourself. Getting over someone takes a lot of time. Focus on your healing and coping strategies. You can start working on yourself but clearly whatever passion and happiness you felt from working on yourself is going to be largely diminished because of your hurting heart. That's why it's important to heal first. It's a process. We all get there. Stay strong!

[and so it goes]

Baby steps my friend, baby steps.

 

First off, stop thinking about platitudes like "loving yourself" all that stuff is so subjective that there aren't really any instructions or knowledge of when you've actually achieved the goal of "loving yourself".

 

Don't make misery your hobby, do your unhappy time (that's the price of love) and then wash hands and be done with it. Don't let this go on and on because ultimately it's not worth it....she's not worth it (sorry, it's true and you will figure that out in time)**

 

Watch out for that little voice in your head that says discouraging things - you wouldn't accept it if a friend or co-worker said such negative stuff to you, so don't let your "other self" do it to you?

 

Make sense?

 

Anyway, be strong, hang in there - this is all part of the life journey - you're 19 right. yeah, well, you will probably have a few more heart breaks before you settle down.

[DWNWRDSPRL]

The best thing I ever did for myself as a young man was take a year off from dating when I was about 22 or 23.

 

After many many failed/toxic relationships I focused on me and who I was. There is a post on here somewhere if you want to read it.

 

But, one of the things I did was do for others.

 

In my situation, I made every family member I had something for Christmas in my woodworking shop. It took me six months but it gave me a goal to focus on.....a goal that was giving in nature....doing for others. That took my mind off things that were bothering me and helped me heal.

 

I would suggest that you look into doing something for others that makes them feel good or betters their lives in some form or fashion. It will do two things: it will distract you from unhealthy thoughts and will make you feel a sense of pride in that you have made a difference, no matter how slight, in someone else's life.

 

When Christmas came around I had handmade, personal gifts to distribute to my family. It was a huge success. Everyone loved them (or so they told me) and several of them still have those gifts all these years later.

 

I came out of that dating hiatus a beter, stronger man. Confidence soared. It wasn't too long before I was being asked out by ladies and met my wife.

 

All of that heartache from before? Distant memories with no sting whatsoever.

 

For you see, it made me who I am today. There has to be some rain in everyone's journey.

 

Pick yourself up and learn to heal. You are so young and have so much more ahead of you.......good times as well as storms. How you react to both will define you and you will learn to love who you are and the man you will become.

 

The best of luck to you.

[Fushigidane]

I agree with what some have said here. You maybe need to take a break.

I really wish you all the best.

[Horus94]

Hello all...thank you for all the responses.

 

Yes baby steps...i'll try to do that as much as i can. What is killing me now is that i am in the last semester of school and projects are coming in and i'm just not doing anything about them. I feel bad because i know my ex and her new bf wouldn't have any trouble with this. They'd be enjoying themselves and still be able to finish the projects. These projects are very important as they will affect my results a whole lot. But the stress of all this, i just can't deal with it. I think i'll try to talk to my lecturers.

 

You guys gave some wonderful advice. I also wish i could just travel to another country and explore the world and do something crazy. But i can't now. I have school.

 

Everyday i just smile to my ex and pretend like nothing is bothering me when deep down inside i am slowly dying. I want so bad to tell her how much hurt she has caused me. She admitted to seeing other guys right after we broke up just to try and forget about me. Yet all this time she was playing with my feelings and keeping me close like i had a chance with her. Now she has totally moved on and i'm stuck here feeling terrible. I want to cry and beg for her to come back but that would just probably make me look even more pathetic. She still says i am her best friend but i sometimes i really really hate her. How can she not see what she is doing to me? Other times i just feel an overwhelming love for her and accept that she has found happiness elsewhere. I can cycle between these two thoughts extremely fast and its driving me crazy. I cannot let go of her. Should i talk to her?

 

Friends and family are growing sick of my constant need to talk about this topic. I try to avoid it but i just can't, so i just isolate myself from them so as to not further irritate them, which only makes me feel more miserable. They think i am just complaining but never doing anything. Believe me i really tried my best. I never realized i was this weak until this happened to me. All my insecurities are hitting me all at once. Its painful.

 

I wish i could take a break or do something out of my comfort zone. I really wish i could, but right now i have tight deadlines and i have to finish my work no matter what. I realise i am young and still have a lot of life left to experience. Thank you all for helping me out here, sometimes this forum is the only thing left that keeps me going. I think you all have been through so much more than me and i will trust the advice given by you guys.

 

Right now my action plan is to fake it till i make it. I'm going to stop wasting time on the computer watching videos and playing games to distract myself. Everytime i am feeling an anxiety attack, i'll try to wait it out, then immediately hit the gym or work on my schoolwork. I'll keep updating this thread every once in a while. Thanks guys.

[cocoon2012]

I think there is a very important law of nature ,that is: whatever or whomever we can not live without, we are going to loose.!! i think nature want us to be complete in ourselves,. It wants us to be the creator of our own realities...Fiting into our outside world from our very within...and when we reach that point we are going to love ourselves, which is our better self, quality self and what can be called our universal self..

All the Best

[rmoheban]

Sorry to hear you are having a difficult time coping with the breakup. If you don’t like and value yourself, it will be difficult to be able to develop a healthy relationship as you need a strong sense of self and worth. It sounds like you were a good boyfriend as you were there for her and very giving. You do not want to define yourself based on what others think of you and/or a breakup/relationship. My relationship advice to you is you could benefit from counseling which can help you develop your sense of self and confidence. You can also rule out issues such as depression etc.

[Horus94]

Hey all. Its been some time. Update :

 

I have been attending a few counseling sessions and they have been okay in my progress. Honestly nothing that i don't already know, its more of a rant outlet and general feel good stuff.

 

Pretty overwhelmed with school work at the moment and that has been keeping me from fully experiencing the pain of the breakup in my opinion. I am planning to hold a "funeral" for my old self and this relationship once i've cleared all my assignments. I'm hoping i'll have the courage to throw away all the old mementos of our relationship because i haven't been able to let go of them at all. I think thats my mind trying to cling on to the final hopes of our relationship ever working out again.

 

The ex called the other night crying and generally being incoherent. Mentioning something about how we used to be there for each other during the exam periods and how we'd stay up motivating each other and missing that. She kept repeating that she was so confused and didn't know what she felt about me. I just kept my cool and said not to worry and told her not to cry and that i was doing fine. I was being playful and cheery on the phone call, teasing her if she'd like to come over to my place. Yet deep in my heart it just felt empty, hurt, betrayed. She was the one who ended things and found someone new and she called me saying all this?!

 

I've been having a lot of trouble with my schoolwork because of tight deadlines and the fact that i've accepted quite a few more projects than i could handle just to have something to do. The ex insisted that if i needed whatever help with schoolwork, she'd help me. (she has one of the highest gpa in school) I don't want that though. I don't want her help, my pride won't allow it.

 

The good news is that i can handle the anxiety attacks much better now. I don't get emotional anymore and i'm able to handle the periods of sudden extreme sadness on my own without having to call a friend or family member. I've taken a serious look at where i want to go at the next chapter of my life. I've recently began doing stuff that reminded me of my childhood, such as songs that i used to listen to, stuff that i used to do. Nostalgia i guess. Miss that innocent time where nothing seemed to go wrong, but i know this is all a part of growing up and life.

 

Oops. That was a long update. I know this isn't my personal blog but eh whatever. haha.

[Liraele]

To answer your title...

 

Loving yourself involves a lot of different things, not the least of which is being a fan of yourself. Being your own cheerleader. This is filling your head with positive thoughts, and focusing on the positives of your being, and making the things you want to work on about yourself a focus as well, but putting a positive spin on them rather than a negative one. For example, if you don't like your temper... you focus on it as something to work on, rather than focusing on the fact that this something you dislike about yourself. Working on it is much more positive than hating it - and don't beat yourself up when you slip up... just focus on doing better the next time. (Loose example, but hopefully you get the idea.)

 

There is a fine balance between ignoring reality and being a positive influence on your own mind. Some people never find it and kind of live in the "I'm perfect" la-la land. Perfect isn't something you want to strive for... but personal growth and awareness are. Be just as aware of your positive traits as you are of your negative ones - and focus on turning those negatives into a more positive than they currently are. You might not be able to completely turn things around (some things you're stuck with), but you can learn to accept them, and you can grow from that acceptance.

 

Make sense?

 

Take care of yourself. Body, spirit, mind. Feed yourself good things, focus on building good relationships, and do things that will help you grow mentally - like reading, writing, art, etc. Most people have something that they feel keeps their mind sharp and helps them learn. If you are a religious/spiritual person, work on embodying the faith/path that you walk.

[Horus94]

Yep. Thanks! I guess thats just what i needed to hear haha.

[chitown9]

You need to have no contact with your ex. No communication. ... chi