Horus94

All i ever really wanted was to make you happy. I was so glad back when you said i was your savior. I never knew it would hurt so bad and make me become so miserable. I guess saviors eventually become martyrs. I thought we both understood each other since we both came from insecure backgrounds. We both analyse people the same way and we both clicked on an emotional level. Its hard to find someone else like you again. I waited and waited hoping beyond all hope that i could be the special one to make you happy again. But you jumped from guy to guy, breaking my heart a little more each time. I just can't keep up anymore. What i am saying now may sound lame, we had our arguments but i really believed in you and i really wanted to be the person to support you forever. I guess in this process i forgot who i was. I lost touch with myself. When you left me i felt like a part of me died. Now i'm torn, i'm torn between wanting to help you and wanting to help myself. I don't want to be tormented anymore, i don't want to feel like i'm second rated anymore. I want the nightmares, the random breakdowns to stop. Its really hard for me to let go. Of all the things we were and all we could have been. I tried my best to make our relationship work. But i guess it takes two to tango. It scares me to think that we can never be friends again, but i just can't do it. I can't be your friend. I only want to be your lover. The one who will be there for you when you are down and to share with you in your happy moments. And i think its only fair that my lover will treat me like that too. I always asked, why did it turn out this way? You always told me that it was a timing issue. Is that really the truth? Regardless, if being with someone else other than me is the only thing that will make you happy then you have my blessings. Love is not possession. You taught me that. If i truly loved you, just the fact that you safe and well on this earth is enough. I only wish you weren't my first. So i could make all the stupid mistakes with someone else and then have a happy relationship with you. In another life, i would make you stay. Goodbye.

Dear HJ, Day 4 of NC of about a hundred NC attempts now and it has been painful to say the least. Been hanging out with my old pals but i just can't feel happy. I wonder what you're doing now, if you're thinking about me or if you were lying about missing me. That email you sent me really threw me off. If you didn't even love those other guys then why did you date them? If you love me like you always say you do then why do u not want to be with me? Why do you keep saying you're afraid of getting hurt again? I was immature back then but i spent half a year cleaning up my act and one and half years trying to chase you again and endure seeing you with other guys. You even said if i was how i was like now back when we broke up, we might still be together even now. Why not make it a reality? Can't you see all this time i'm waiting for you and hurting. Sorrys don't mean anything to me. I just want to be with you and create happy memories with you again. Am i that unworthy of love and a second chance?