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Nice guys and 'being too available'


ronline23

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So I have heard that when a girl is dating or in a relationship with a guy it is unattractive for that guy to be too available to her and that there needs to be a certain level of challenge in the relationship in order for her to remain interested and excited. Apparently, this is part of the reason so many girls go after the 'bad boys' not the 'nice guys'.

 

I'm not really sure I understand the concept though and tend to just prefer an easy life so I can imagine that I might tend to make myself too easy and available. For example, the idea of pretending to be busy on a day which a girl is trying to organise something for just so that I'm not 'too available' seems odd to me; I usually like to spend a decent amount of time with a girl with whom I am dating.

 

This may seem like an extremely dumb question but what exactly does it mean to not be too available and keep a girl challenged and how might one achieve this without doing stupid things like intentionally being a jerk to them or avoiding them for the sake of it? I pride myself on treating girls well but I don't want to fall victim to being 'too nice' or 'boring'.

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1) if you're too available it means you have nothing going on in your life... that's not attractive

 

2) women are not into "bad boys" they're just not into "nice guys" read as "men that are doormats and will drop everything for her". they want men with a spine, a strong back bone, a man who can stand up for himself.

 

3) why would you pretend to be busy? read #1 again, if you're never busy it's because you're probably not doing anything, get some hobbies, find a job, study, hang out with friends, etc. (example: I'm only available wednesdays and thursdays for women i've just met, weekends are for me, my friends and a girl i want to see romantically because we've been dating for some time)

 

4) never intentionally be a jerk, that's just screwed up.

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The problem is not being "too nice". The problem is being a doormat.

 

Don't "pretend to be busy", actually have other things to do. And, this isn't only something guys have to do but girls have to do as well. If my guy was to call me up and be like "hey babe, come over" and I dropped everything I was doing to be with him, that's unhealthy...Don't make someone 100% focus of your life, especially early on. Mirror their interest.

 

I don't like "bad boys", I just like guy who aren't eager to please and looking for validation.

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Ok this is good, it sounds like I'm probably fine on the being too available front. I have my own stuff going on and I'm no push-over but I don't want to play silly games, pretending to be busy.

 

How about creating a bit of a challenge for a girl? What does that really mean?

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Ok this is good, it sounds like I'm probably fine on the being too available front. I have my own stuff going on and I'm no push-over but I don't want to play silly games, pretending to be busy.

 

How about creating a bit of a challenge for a girl? What does that really mean?

 

I'm going to use an example that my boyfriend gave me when we first started dating.

 

He does this thing for his own amusement where he says "no pun intended" when there isn't actually a pun. When he did it to me, I said "there wasn't a pun there..." and he started laughing and said "you're one of the few people who has ever called me on that".

 

Challenging means to be enough of assured person that you don't just go along with another person. You have your own opinions, lifestyle, methodology that it "challenges" the other person's perspective. The only way we grow as people is to be challenged. The opposite of challenging is to just adapt to whatever likes/dislikes, lifestyles, and mannerisms of your partner. That's not healthy.

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I'm going to use an example that my boyfriend gave me when we first started dating.

 

He does this thing for his own amusement where he says "no pun intended" when there isn't actually a pun. When he did it to me, I said "there wasn't a pun there..." and he started laughing and said "you're one of the few people who has ever called me on that".

 

Challenging means to be enough of assured person that you don't just go along with another person. You have your own opinions, lifestyle, methodology that it "challenges" the other person's perspective. The only way we grow as people is to be challenged. The opposite of challenging is to just adapt to whatever likes/dislikes, lifestyles, and mannerisms of your partner. That's not healthy.

 

Great input on the "challenge" question. All I want to add is certainly don't play games. It's frustrating and dishonest. Just be yourself and have fun. Women love knowing a guy likes them and seems them as valuable. Personally for me I hate it when a guy seems super into me and then blows cold and is suddenly unavailable and there's not a reason. Just do what's comfortable for you and pick up on her vibes and you should be good to go.

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You are getting great advice here.

 

Far to many people drop their life to spend time with the other person. What they don't realize is that your life is what attracted them to you in the first place. Say you loved to hike and be outdoors with your friends but when you start dating some girl you really like you cut way back or stop hiking with your buddies.

 

Making time for each other is important but dropping plans you already had or bailing on some activity whenever she calls is not good.

 

Being a challenge is harder to explain. If you spill your guts so she doesn't have to figure things out about you it takes the challenge/mystery away. Also if you just agree to whatever she wants to do to all the time she will not feel challenged to enter into your life and the things you like to do. For example you may like certain types of foods but if you always suggest things you know she likes for sure instead of things you like she is not challenged to try things from your life.

 

We all loose part of ourselves when we start dating, the trick is to not loose those parts but to let the parts of each person enhance each other.

 

Be a little cocky and funny, don't live in fear of her dumping you, don't give up the things you love, be the guy you were when she was attracted to you in the first place and above all be honest with her and yourself.

 

You should expect these things from her as well. There is nothing worse than falling for some one that is active and fun and have then change into a couch potato once they get a man/woman.

 

Lost

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Available is one thing, being a doomat is another.

 

Living his life and adding someone to that life is what works, not subtracting things to add another person. That builds resentment in the long run.

 

If a guy is to available it simply isn't attractive. Some may not agree and it may not be true for them but in large part it is very true.

 

Lost

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I personnally think when a guy has how own life , his own hobbies but he ends up making time for me as much as possible , then I'll just appreciate him more

If he has nothing going on, it will feel like he is just needs something/someone to be entertained ..

And I think you have to show to your girl that you are available or that you will make yourself free she needs you and that's the most important thing.

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