Why do we exaggeratingly embellish the past?

[Rotto]

I've heard (or read, on websites about such topics of breaking up) that we as people naturally exaggerate the past as being better than what it actually was with our exes or with life in general.

 

Why is this? Does anyone care to touch on this topic?

 

I admit that I do this. Nostalgia is a weak point of mine (I joke with friends by saying nostalgia's going to be the death of me) because I allow it to engulf my mind whenever I get to thinking about "the way things were". When I look back at a few years ago with an objective perspective and a clear mind without the emotions involved (rare; difficult to do), I can see how I've thought things as being better than they actually were although many of those times were truly awesome periods in my life.

 

What's your experiences? If you don't mind sharing. Do you struggle with this? Nostalgia? Exaggerating just how good things were?

[Cognitive_Canine]

I am actually the opposite. Given time I realize how bad relationships were. It's been a year since I broke it off with my boyfriend of 5 years. I thought it was just about one issue but we actually had a lot of issues. In general, he was kind of a bad boyfriend.

[laninaperdida]

I think people just want to feel more important or more exciting than they really are.

I don't think it's weak or stupid or pathetic... Just human.

[HeatherB]

Depends on which part of the relationship you are concentrating on. If it ended, that means there's a great part and a crappy part. Which part you're considering in the moment will color your opinion of the whole thing.

 

Much smarter to consider both, come up with some lessons learned, and think about that when you think about the old relationship. It's more realistic, plus it can actually help you in your future.

[ChilliRed2013]

Great question to post on here Rotto.

Nostalgia is your mind wanting to be happy! We were happy there, at that point in life.

 

I have only just joined this site, and Nostalgia, reminiscing about the past, is a big hurdle for all of us "dumpees" who have been left trying to

kick-start life on our own after a break up. Whether it was 3 months together, 3 years or 30... if you genuinely cared about and valued that person and the relationship, then of course your brain will want to think about the good times and push and negative thoughts to the side.

 

Rose coloured glasses vs. Reality

To reminisce or to reflect on the past... takes time to switch from one to the other.

 

From my own personal experience(which i am still going through, 8 months later after a 3 year relationship involving kids, not mine, complicated), there were a heck of a lot of good times and very very few bad whilst we were together. Enjoying the process of raising a family and planning for the future, talk of marriage, another child, a bigger house, her studying to complete a degree...

My main source of happiness was being the most supportive partner i could be... for her! I lost the skill of being happy as an individual.

 

After she went out on the town one night with a new friend, everything fell to pieces. Trust was violated, then strung along for 4 months while being faded out for a new guy and a new lifestyle. My brain could not cope because I had held her in such high regard for so long.

 

So nostalgia for me is still a form of denial i guess. Wanting to preserve the person i knew with happy memories, and not facing the reality and accepting the fact that she could act and behave the way she is now. A different person.

 

THATS the hurdle to overcome.

 

Training your mind to reflect on the past, rather than reminisce. Its a difficult technique but becomes easier with practice... and don't be afraid to ask for support from friends and family when needed. To remember the good times, be happy that you had them But in that same thought put a halt to any regret, doubt, blame and wistfulness that comes with them! Instead, bring the focus back onto yourself and the present. How to apply the lessons you have learnt in a positive way... so as to improve life for you and the people around you in the here and now.

 

Still working on that, but i am starting to see the benefits!

 

This is my first ever post, hope i didn't deviate from the subject matter too much

[idontunderstan]

I think people think of the good and the bad. But I feel like people think of the good and have that good ole nostalgic feeling because, well, it feels good! It feels good to remember things that made us feel good back then. Is that a bad thing? As long as you can recognize that things aren't always good nor always bad, then I think it's a great thing.

Some things are better left in our memories as great things. Have you ever remembered a movie you loved so much as a kid and then watched it as an adult and thought, wow this is stupid! Sometimes it's better to just not watch the movie again and keep remembering it as something amazing, don't taint your memories!

[ChilliRed2013]

The movie analogy is a good one

It was a great movie in the year it was released and for a few years afterwards.

 

The excitement and hype of a new release blockbuster, the shared popcorn and jumbo cola, the anticipation of it actually beginning after all those pesky trailers

You settle in, get involved in the story, lose yourself in the plot and action and drama... the outside world doesnt exist for a while.

 

The movie is spoilt for some of us that still remember the the screw up on the screen at the end of the film, the guy pushing past us in the back row, the confusion of everybody leaving the carpark at the same time, the car crash just around the corner from your house...Not the best ending to a fun night... soured the whole evening in fact!!

But we wont remember those details as more time passes. Years tick over. The movie will still be a good movie to watch again, at home on dvd one day.. by that time any negative thoughts like sticky seats, annoying seat kickers and such will be forgotten and you'll just remember how good it was to watch on the big screen. It looked Good! Was a fun night there in the past

[Lonewing]

It feels good.

[deejay74]

Not always. My ex kept blaming me for everything that went wrong in the relationship and made it sound like it was a living hell. she even said i was abusive and our relationship was "soul crushing". I know she is still sh*t talking about me to this day, 2 months later. She is really exaggerating on how bad the relationship was. If it was so bad, why did she seem so happy and excited when we signed a lease together for an apartment (only for her to dump me 2 days before she was supposed to move in). Why were we looking at rings, talking about marriage and kids? If the relationship was THAT bad, I don't think she would've been so enthusiastic about us. Maybe that's her way of coping and moving on? I don't know but it does hurt to know that she is saying all these nasty things about me to her friends and family when a lot of it is highly exaggerated. There is a bit of truth in what she says but not as bad as she makes it out to be.

 

For me, it's quite the opposite. I am having a hard time of letting go of the good parts of the relationship. There were bad times as she dumped me 5 times, and took me back 4 of them. She was selfish and I found out she was emotionally cheating behind my back with some guy she's know (and had been intimate before) for years, but it was all online.

 

Even with the crap talking and the bad things she did, i can't seem to let go of the good times and it makes me mad because then i start to miss her.

 

It is getting better very, very slowly but I wish I could just shut her out of my head.

 

So, I just wanted to say, that with regards to my ex, she is definitely, NOT embellishing the past.

 

Oh well.

 

I don't know what to take of her still bad mouthing me to this day. I recently unblocked her and saw a public post from last week where my name was not mentioned but referred to as "someone's friend", and they were bad mouthing me. it was clearly obvious within the context of that post that they were talking about me. to be honest, i'm not mad but a little flattered that she's still talking about me in some twisted way.

[redswim30]

I find that people exaggerate in both ways.

 

Everything was GREAT_

My man's ex was SO unhappy in their marriage, but she still to this day goes on and on abut "how great their marriage was" even though she constantly complained how unhappy she was to the kids, to her relatives, to his relatives, and all their mutual friends. But for some reason, after they separated and even years after their divorce, she paints this " my life was perfect" and nothing is further from the truth. I think it's a matter of comforting oneself. But I also thinks it's a dangerous mindset. It's important to step back and think about what was wrong in the relationship, how you might have contributed to its failure and how you can improve yourself, your future relationships and your life as a whole.

 

THEY ARE THE DEVIL

 

Conversely, people exaggerate in the opposite direction too. I never had the desire to do this with my ex. But people tend to all of the sudden when heartbroken go for the jugular. People are complex, good and bad in everyone. I admit that I had some good times with my ex, but that doesn't change the fact that ultimately we didn't work out.

 

I think ultimately that people should take a minute to not "fantasize" in either extreme, and reflect upon what they can learn. Instead of creating revisionist history.