What she told me has ruined me

[KantGetOverHer]

She broke up with me in July after five years together. We talked on the phone in September and she told me she had already slept with someone new. I still think about it every day. The thought of her in positions we used to make love in, but with another man. The sounds she used to make while we made love... coming from her because of another man. It is unbearable to think about it. I wished I had gone NC from day one. I wish I didn't know this information. It has become an intruisive thought. It randomly comes into my head throughout my day, no matter what I'm doing. Sometimes I get so angry at the thought that I want to punch something. Sometimes I go to sleep to escape the thoughts. I never used to drink alcohol during the work week, only occasionaly on the weekends. Now I'm forming a habbit of having a few beers every day after work and getting trashed on the weekend. I don't know what to do to stop these thoughts. I'm really struggling with this. I've partially accepted why our relationship didn't work out, and that I have to respect her decision. I want her to be happy, and she couldn't find that with me. Some days I wish her the best and just want her to be happy. Other days I get incredibly angry at her for giving up on us. I've broken NC way too many times because I can't accept that it's over. I've tried to start casually dating recently, but I constantly think about my ex while I'm out. I feel totally crazy right now. Can anyone relate?

[elsenyor]

While you're still in contact it's normal for you to have these thoughts, when my ex broke up with me I had these thoughts and I don't think she had slept with anyone (as far as I know). The thing here is... it doesn't matter, my brother always told me "listen she left you for another man, whether it's now or in the future" and it's true. You've just had to come to terms with it faster. Heck at times during my healing process I even wished she had found another boyfriend to FORCE me to move on, that never did happen though (and it's 7 months).

 

You will now be forced to move on. Go no contact, you will be in pain for many months , it isn't easy, but you can do it, everyone here has done it, even others who have had it much worse than you have done it. The emotions will come in waves, accept them as they come.

 

link removed has amazing advice, I suggest you read what's on there and implement it ASAP, it is a guide written by a former ENA member.

 

PS: Lay off the booze, it'll only make you feel worse, it's a depressant. Same goes for drugs and any other sort of substance, don't take them. If need be seek a therapist to help you out, maybe get some anti-depressants (I've been taken them and they DO help, I'm now in the process of reducing my consumption). Also SLEEP, EAT and EXERCISE PROPERLY, that is EXTREMELY important, if you feel depressed at any time of the day and you notice you are lacking sleep, it is very likely sleep is having the effect on your mood, so take a nap

[QueenofHeartz]

I have this problem, too-- visioning my ex with another woman. The only difference is he hasn't told me that he's been with anyone. It still crosses my mind, though, because I know he's been with other people. (We have been broken up since June... there's no way he is ONLY sleeping with ME, with me being his EX & all.) The thought of him making out with another girl, fondling her, being up inside her -- having any physical contact with someone other than ME makes me feel weak, unappreciative, unwanted. The pain I feel is unbearable, like yourself. I almost just want to shout "If we can't be lovers, then we can't be friends." Picturing/imagining him having sex with someone else is an agonizing & painful feeling. It brings me to question things about myself: Am I not good enough? Am I not good in bed? Is there something lacking? But the thing is, it has NOTHING to do with you. Ex's eventually will start sleeping with other people. Atleast she was honest with you & told you! What I'd give for my ex to come out & be honest & tell me he's been f*cking other b*tches (excuse my language). Hearing the information would HURT, like it hurts you (believe me), but I would rather know than to be lied to. (But that's just me.......)

 

 

......... But then again -- now that I think about it, I agree with you -- I think hearing something like this would be a god awful mistake & wish he hadn't told me. I feel your pain, I really do. I sometimes tear up just thinking about it. How could they give themselves to someone so freely? Are they thinking about you when they're being physically intimate with that person? Wondering if they're whispering or saying that person's name out loud, if they're giving/receiving oral, if they keep coming back to that person for more... if the sex lasts more than 10-15 minutes... these are many thoughts that occur when thinking about your ex being intimate with someone else. It is hard to control, but try to focus on on more positive stuff.

[elsenyor]

Why are you still in contact with your ex? let alone still sleeping with him???

 

I might not be the perfect example but as soon as I started no contact I went back into working on myself and talking to others of the opposite sex, had a few dates lined up way tooo early but eventually after 3 or 4 months (can't remember when) I finally started having fun and sleeping with other women, had I started sooner or had I kept sleeping with my ex (which I never did post BU) I would have been a mess and still would be in one in all likelihood.

 

They're not lying they're not your SO they don't HAVE to tell you anything you're no longer in a relationship. It's implied that if they're not exclusive with you they're possibly sleeping with others, there's no justification nor explanation to be given.

[Hazyillusions]

I don't see why she had to tell you. I mean my God...

Hang in there, it hasn't been that long and you guys were together 5 years...It's going to take probably at least a year and a half to feel completely over things.

[mbee]

Yes, go NC with this woman immediately. You are only prolonging the pain. It's hard to believe but I finally went NC after a few months and it helped me dramatically. I've really healed and it's only been about 3 months NC! This woman sounds cruel to have told you she slept with another woman. Anyway your thoughts are normal. My ex slept with someone a few days after we broke up, the woman he cheated on me with, and it was horrifying. NC fixed that after a month or so. He's slept with other people too and I don't care anymore. Let her go and start healing. I GUARANTEE you'll feel SO MUCH better once you do. Stay strong!

[Kendahke]

It's past time for you to accept that it's over. Even if she never told you she was sleeping with someone else, it's rather naive to believe that she would never have sex with another man ever in life.

 

Thinking about it isn't hurting her. Punching something isn't going to hurt her. You drinking to excess is not going to hurt her. These are things which are causing damage to you. You have to figure out why you feel you deserve the damage you're heaping upon yourself by obsessing about her.

 

You're not ready to be out dating yet, so you should refrain from bringing an innocent party into this whirlpool of yours. You would probably benefit from talking to a therapist to help you get unstuck from your obsessiveness because that's what you need far more than some new girl to date.

[KantGetOverHer]

I realize it's naive to think she'd never sleep with anyone new. It's just that that's not something I want to know has happened for certain, and how long after we separated it happened. We still had limited contact after the breakup, which gave me false hope I guess. She assured me that she wasn't dating anyone. She wanted to focus on her career. So in my mind she was still available for getting back together, if there was the slightest chance. I was holding onto that hope. So when she texted me in the middle of the night that she missed me, and that this breakup wasn't easy for her, I got excited. Then we talked on the phone. She wanted to know if I had slept with anyone? No, I had not. So I asked her the same question. I guess I wasn't expecting the answer I got because I couldn't even think about being with another woman without feeling guilty, even though we weren't together anymore. I expected her to feel the same for some reason. But she had already moved on. It hurt really bad to hear that. As far as I know she's not even in a relationship with anyone, either. This was just casual sex. And here I am, obsessing over the details because I know something that I wished I didn't know.

[catfeeder]

Whenever I'd find myself playing out that kind of mind-garbage on myself, I learned how to interrupt it with one question, "Do I want to take the long road and the hard way to healing, or do I want to move myself past this?"

 

Practice being kind to yourself, but firm.

 

Nobody heals gracefully, it's a messy process--but we do get to control how soon we start to ~reach for~ control over our own thinking.

 

Reward yourself for every baby step in the right direction.

[Kendahke]

I realize it's naive to think she'd never sleep with anyone new. It's just that that's not something I want to know has happened for certain, and how long after we separated it happened. We still had limited contact after the breakup, which gave me false hope I guess. She assured me that she wasn't dating anyone.

 

She doesn't have to date anyone to have sex with them.

 

She wanted to focus on her career. So in my mind she was still available for getting back together, if there was the slightest chance. I was holding onto that hope.

 

One has nothing to do with the other. She can focus on her career and have sex with someone. She was not available for getting back together. Only her saying to you "I'm sorry, I made a mistake. I want us to be together. Will you give me another chance?" is her wanting to get back together. There is no hope outside of those words being spoken to you.

 

So when she texted me in the middle of the night that she missed me, and that this breakup wasn't easy for her, I got excited. Then we talked on the phone. She wanted to know if I had slept with anyone? No, I had not. So I asked her the same question. I guess I wasn't expecting the answer I got because I couldn't even think about being with another woman without feeling guilty, even though we weren't together anymore. I expected her to feel the same for some reason. But she had already moved on. It hurt really bad to hear that. As far as I know she's not even in a relationship with anyone, either. This was just casual sex. And here I am, obsessing over the details because I know something that I wished I didn't know.

 

Lessons to be learned: 1. check you expectations because what you would do isn't necessarily what she would do; 2. never ask a question whose answer you do not want to hear.