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How to create space?


KateHove

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My bf and I have been together for a year exactly and have lived together for six months. We moved in together at a stage that we now recognise as being way too early, but did due to contextual factors and the fact we wanted to try it. From my pov it's been periods of absolutely bliss punctuated by three terrible periods accross that time where he's been cold distant and depressed and I know he's pursued other women. I only know this because despite me asking a thousand times during this periods are you ok and chatting through work with him and asking if all was ok with us he said yes it's all just just work so I checked his phone and got the honest answer, always flirting with another woman at work. This time he's been the same but he's said he feels suffocated under surveillance and wants to move out BUT for us to *carry on seeing each other* while living in two separate houses. Now despite concerns about the cost and sheer ache of two homes etc again, I'm so wounded he doesn't like living with me and in my mind he wants to move out and keep me on the go while he has space to date other women. He denies this and says the space would be good for us - but surely this is a huge step back in the relationship, one that speaks to his need for space more than my need for trust and care, and means we have nothing to work

Towards in the future if he doesn't want to live with me??! He's asked me to come up with other options than moving out before Sunday...and I have no idea. Advice please ;-(

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I would probably have the same concerns as you given his history. He ran to the validation of other women instead of sorting out his problems with you then, and now he is kicking you out of a home because he avoiding the same issue. You are both aware that moving in early was a bad idea, but you live and learn - and you work on it. Now he is trying to take a step back but I think the damage is already done here.

 

However, aside from the fact that you just wanted to try it - I am assuming that just after 6 months, the contextual factors are still there. You can't afford a place on your own, you've technically only just settled in and made it a home. But he doesn't care about this, he just wants out. And now, instead of sitting down with you and discussing the other options together, you are the one who needs to come up with other options?

 

Honey, this guy has no interest in living with you, enjoys living life as a single man even when he isn't, and his way of solving relationship issues is "well, if you don't want this, not my problem, you figure it out"

 

I'm so wounded he doesn't like living with me and in my mind he wants to move out and keep me on the go while he has space to date other women

 

This is not just a worry from nowhere. He has shown signs of being unfaithful in the past, therefore he should still be proving to you that he is trustworthy - not taking your worries and hurt and tossing them to the side.

 

I would usually suggest counselling, talking, reasoning. But from your post he honestly seems like he just wants to break up with you slowly. First moving out, then have a look around to see if he can do any better than you, then letting you go if he thinks he can. I would leave. Moving in might have been too early, but that's something you both have to deal with together and when you are both in agreement. It is a big deal, and you can't just go backsies - not as quick as he is wanting.

 

He knows you're not going to "think of other options" in such a short space of time, and when you don't, he can then be satisfied in feeling like it's not all his fault that he is upping and leaving the mess for you to clean up.

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Oh no, no, no.

 

He feels "suffocated under surveillance"... but he's actually chatting and flirting with other women?? You know.. the other option is that he stops behaving inappropriately and works to build trust in your relationship.

 

I think you are absolutely right to think that he just "wants space" so that he can flirt with other women in peace, and not worry about you finding out or questionning him as much.

 

He's not trying to solve the problem, he's trying to get rid of the problem.

 

Move out and don't look back.

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Ok so this sucks... You have to really do some soul searching and decide what you want. Do you really think this is the one? I mean so much so that you really can't imagine finding someone else that will willingly meet your needs and work with you, not against you?

 

I ask because you really can't force a guy to change or commit to you, if he doesn't want to. But you can walk away from the guy and if he changes his mind, then it would be up to him to decide he will try to get you back, which by that time you will have met someone else.

 

So the answer is to walk away because you can do and deserve better. It's not love if one of you is still looking to meet someone new. That doesn't mean it can't be at some point in the future but you have to be really strong and support yourself. Realize and let him know, anything less is lame and you don't want that. So the first step is to not accept it.

 

If you give him some kind of reason by Sunday, you are grasping at straws. He'll give some reason why your reason isn't good enough. And because you are all wrapped up in getting him, you are already doubting yourself, so you buy into his BS. And you let his excuses string you along and give you hope, all the while killing yourself to show your love and the fact that you belong together. Then in time you feel worse, he acts worse and you break up anyway.

 

My thing is-- don't do that. Don't sacrifice your own self worth and respect, fighting for something he is not willing to fight for, too. Walk away and start healing. Support your own emotional health and know that you are worth it, maybe not to him, but to someone better!

 

Start getting yourself in order to leave him.... When you show that you value yourself more than you value him, your stock goes up. You might get his attention and he may wise up, but that is not the point. The point is to get what you want. You want a good guy that treats you well, is a partner and isn't wishy washy with his love and emotions. You want a strong man that wants you.

 

We all spend so much time fixing onesided relationships, when the real answer is to accept that the world is full of people and opportunities. You don't like how things are going? Change them. whether its with him or someone else this is your life. You have to do everything for yourself. No amount of whining, bargaining, or compromise will work with a person that is not willing.

 

Good luck!

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