teddybearninja Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 This is my first time doing anything like this. Ive been having a really hard time coping and have tried just about everything to get over the heart break. So here is my story.... I met this woman a year ago at a place we both worked at. From the very beginning it was love at first sight. We had so much in common and it was a dream come true for me cuz I have been hurt in the past and gave up on love. After about 8 months of dating things at work started to go south. New management came in and we both wanted to get out of there. One day she came to me and said that she just got a really awesome job offer but the only draw back would be that we would have to move and she would be working with her ex husband. Now at this point I had NEVER had any reason not to trust her working with her ex. Her and her ex husband had already been divorced for about 3 years but they stayed friends because they have 4 kids together. I felt this new job would be a great opportunity for her so I told her to take it. We packed everything up and moved and found a house. At first everything was great. After about a month she told me her ex was starting to stalk us at the house, facebook, twitter etc. It was a little weird to me at first that all of a sudden hes getting weird even though we have already been together for so long but we worked through it no problem. We where so much in love and sat down and talked about having a baby so we agreed to start trying. I proposed to her and after a week of being engaged we found out she was pregnant. We where both very excited and so happy. A good friend of mine was getting married in vegas and we drove out for the wedding. On the way out there she said she wanted to get married in vegas and didn't want the fancy white wedding. So while we where out there we got married. Not even a week after the wedding her ex had found out about us getting married and her being pregnant and completely flipped. She called me and said the stress was too much for her and that she needed a break. I couldn't understand how we couldn't work through this but at first I gave her space. The next following weeks where very up and down. One minute shes texting me telling me how much she misses me then the next shes telling me to leave her alone and that she wants a divorce and that I wont see my baby. It has been a month now since Ive seen her and a week since we have last talked. Our last phone conversation she said she is leaving me for her ex and that I wont see the baby. I have no idea what to do because I still so badly want to be with her and be married and be a father. Please someone help me with advice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dereitis Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 Wow man I'm feeling for you right now. It seems like everything moved a little too fast for your ex and it freaked her out. You're going to have to stop contact with her ALL TOGETHER right now. Let her realize she may have acted irrationally. Remember, her ex and her are going to have to deal with this baby. He may be glad to have her back, but after the newness wears off, he's going to have to deal with her having your child. The fact that she said you'll never see your baby? This doesn't sound like the woman you really needed to marry or should EVER be with again if it comes to it. Is there a possibility it's not your baby? I know that seems odd, but for her to say you'll never see it? There's something more going on here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JJ2980 Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 Ouch! My condolences. If this baby is yours don't give up do easily. You're the other parent and you do have a say on how he/she is raised just as much as she does. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doofus Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 Ouch! My condolences. If this baby is yours don't give up do easily. You're the other parent and you do have a say on how he/she is raised just as much as she does. This. IF it's your child, then do you need to fight for your relationship and for your child. Fighting to be a part of your child's life is extraordinarily important as your ex seems to be insane. I wonder if you're leaving anything out in your description, though. She didn't give you a reason other than her ex will make your lives hard if you two stay together???? That would be a weak justification if you two were only dating. It rises to the level of crazy given that you're married and she's pregnant with your child. So, either she's nuts or it's not your child. (The two are not, of course, mutually exclusive...). How far along is she? When can you get a paternity test done? If the baby is yours, then dig in. Once you're a parent, you will need to dedicate your life to that child. If it's not, be glad the whole episode is over. There really are women out there who aren't psychos. You will now be free to find one Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sharky988 Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 I wouldn't just write her off as "psycho" by any means. It sounds to me like you were a rebound. I don't see why you'd have confusion WHY she ended the relationship as she's back with her ex-H now and it seems pretty clear (to me, anyway) that she left to be with him. It's painful -- but I wouldn't call this *crazy* as rebounds are very common, especially after a divorce from a longterm marriage. Another indicator yours was a rebound relationship is how quickly the relationship progressed. You only just met her a year ago and within that time you were married, relocated and starting a family. I agree about the paternity test -- parenthood is a life-changing event and obviously you'll want to know what your status is as soon as possible. She CAN'T keep you from seeing your child if its yours -- not legally, anyway. I'd take what she says now with a huge grain of salt as this is an emotionally charged time right now. In time, I'm sure cooler heads will prevail. Other than that, there's nothing you can do about the breakup other than to keep your distance and try to keep the focus on YOU and your healing.... not on her and her ex-H and what she's doing with her life. Here's a guide written by a fellow ENA member with a lot of helpful information on getting through the early days of a breakup: link removed Keep posting! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teddybearninja Posted October 31, 2013 Author Share Posted October 31, 2013 I asked her if she was positive the baby was mine one day. Her reaction was completely disgusted that I even asked her that and she said she was positive. Im so confused because I cant NC because I want to be a part of the pregnancy. I don't think our relationship was a rebound because she was dating another guy before me and they had split up about 5 months before we dated after a year relationship. After her ex started stalking us she told me he did the same thing in her previous relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cheetarah Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 One would think after 3 years with no red flags about the ex, you were in the clear of rebounds. And just moving stupidly fast as some people do. Oh yeah, and stalker ex.... This is rough. However, you have no rights(legally) to be part of the pregnancy. If you are going to speak with her, for your sanity you need to limit those convos to only about the baby. You will inflict so much pain on yourself any other way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AE9876 Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 Wow. You have really been dragged through the mire. I hope you are holding out okay. It would appear that her ex really has the ability to manipulate her. If he wasn't around you might very well be completely happy together right now but the situation with her ex does not sound healthy and she might well be somewhat psychologically damaged by this relationship. The whole impromptu wedding does - in hindsight I'll grant you - seem a little bit unstable. She might very well have seen you as someone to rescue her from someone who seems to have a lot of control over her. She might continue to play this out going back and forth when her ex (as he no doubt will) gets really heavy and intense. This guy stalked her? How is he going live with another man's baby? As the husband right now, I am pretty sure that legally you will be viewed as the father regardless (unless a test proves otherwise). You have probably got no rights to be involved in the pregnancy but you will certainly, as things stand have some around the baby. (However here in the UK the law does express that parents don't have 'rights' per se, only responsibilities.) And that is another matter, at the moment you will be liable for financial support of this baby. You are in a strong position where the baby is concerned particularly whilst she is adamant herself that it is yours. I am genuinely concerned about this woman's ability to raise this child whilst she is involved with such an (allegedly) unstable character. My view is that you tell her that you accept that she has chosen to be with this man over you but that you wish to and will fulfil your duties as a father and she can reach you anytime in this regard. To be honest you need to get to a good lawyer and find out what the implications are for you here. Since you are still married for instance, if you died tomorrow - wouldn't she get everything? There are so many implications in marriage and parenthood your biggest priority now is some decent legal advice and not worrying about what drama this woman is playing out with her messed up behaviour. This woman could drag you down very quickly and you need some impartial, practical advice now about how you protect yourself and any potential relationship with this unborn child. Please take care of yourself right now and put your own interests first. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sharky988 Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 I asked her if she was positive the baby was mine one day. Her reaction was completely disgusted that I even asked her that and she said she was positive. Im so confused because I cant NC because I want to be a part of the pregnancy. I don't think our relationship was a rebound because she was dating another guy before me and they had split up about 5 months before we dated after a year relationship. After her ex started stalking us she told me he did the same thing in her previous relationship. So, she was divorced three years when you got married, which means she was only divorced two years when you started dating her..... and she had already been in a one-year relationship before dating you? It sounds to me like she went from her divorce right to another relationship just a few months later, and from that straight to you. Yeah, she's rebounding all over the place. It takes more than a few months to recover from a longterm marriage, and it takes more than 5 months to be over that rebound before rebounding onto you! It's true you have no legal right to be part of the pregnancy. Your best bet right now is to step back.... step WAY WAY back and don't have any contact with her at all for at least a few months. Let things settle down. You'll be a part of your child's life -- but you can't use that child as an excuse to force a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be with you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cheetarah Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 Agreed! Especially in not using the child as an excuse to force a relationship. My ex tried to do that with me and now he's chosen to have no involvement at all. It's never been about our child, only about me and his bitterness towards me. There was someone else on here, that tried to do that as well. He claimed to want to be super father and he had everyone dripping with sympathy while she ignored him during the pregnancy, until he found out approx. how much child support he would have to pay - Then he suddenly decided he wanted to sign off his rights. He was so hung up on the idea of keeping his family together and having his white picket fence dreams. Until money was involved. Until he saw she really didn't want to be with him anymore. Remember, ALWAYS, this child is a separate entity and utilizing kids as weapons is morally reprehensible. And you have rights(well, you will when the child is born - Especially as a spouse, where in many places that is presumed paternity and equal rights off the bat). You may have to fight to enforce them. And if you are worth your salt, you will do exactly that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AE9876 Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 Remember, ALWAYS, this child is a separate entity and utilizing kids as weapons is morally reprehensible. And you have rights(well, you will when the child is born - Especially as a spouse, where in many places that is presumed paternity and equal rights off the bat). You may have to fight to enforce them. And if you are worth your salt, you will do exactly that. So true. And this is why I say you should now be seeking legal advice and not worrying about who your ex is seeing except of course unless this person puts your child at any risk (but even then you will have to utilise legal channels). Using a child as a pawn in a battle of wills is a very low form of behaviour so please don't go down that road as the child WILL suffer. All you need to focus on now is the child's best interests and some of that will involve protecting your own. See a lawyer (but not an antagonistic one who will pursue every line of fire and cause more distress in bumping up their bill.) Find one that has signed up to some type of family mediation ethos. But do it soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sharky988 Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 So true. And this is why I say you should now be seeking legal advice and not worrying about who your ex is seeing except of course unless this person puts your child at any risk (but even then you will have to utilise legal channels). Using a child as a pawn in a battle of wills is a very low form of behaviour so please don't go down that road as the child WILL suffer. All you need to focus on now is the child's best interests and some of that will involve protecting your own. See a lawyer (but not an antagonistic one who will pursue every line of fire and cause more distress in bumping up their bill.) Find one that has signed up to some type of family mediation ethos. But do it soon. The child hasn't even been born yet. If you start off pursuing your legal rights at this time -- you're going to be throwing gasoline on the fire at a time when she's barely being civil. Let things calm down first. You have some time to re-establish a friendly and workable co-parent relationship, which is the ultimate goal here, regardless of what happens between you two romantically. You and her getting along as co-parents: THAT is what's in your child's best interest. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AE9876 Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 The child hasn't even been born yet. If you start off pursuing your legal rights at this time -- you're going to be throwing gasoline on the fire at a time when she's barely being civil. Let things calm down first. You have some time to re-establish a friendly and workable co-parent relationship, which is the ultimate goal here, regardless of what happens between you two romantically. You and her getting along as co-parents: THAT is what's in your child's best interest. You are right of course. Not suggesting he pursues any aggressive legal action but gets up to speed on what his situation is and what he needs to look out for. Married people have a lot of entitlement from each other don't they? It is probably fair to say his ex has committed adultery by now but there are cases where the dumper goes after the exes property and stuff leaving them in dire straits. I think OP needs some legal advice to make him aware of what the implications of marriage are eg. around probate, child support, potential support to the ex. She has though to date told him he won't have contact with the baby so he needs to know where he stands from a legal point of view. I would say forewarned is forearmed. He doesn't have to pursue anything right now but his ex apparently can be erratic. Someone needs to be grounded and thinking ahead not just constantly reacting to the latest trauma. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kendahke Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 Call a lawyer and start divorce proceedings. Don't assume you're that baby's father. Have a paternity test done. You have no idea what she and her ex husband have been doing while she went to go work with him. The best defense is a good offense. Of course she would balk at the notion, but that doesn't mean she didn't do the deed. She was probably pregnant when the talk of marriage and being engaged came up. This is a huge mess and I'm sorry you're in the middle of it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teddybearninja Posted October 31, 2013 Author Share Posted October 31, 2013 This is all so confusing and heart wrenching. If I pursue legal action couldn't that just make things worse with her? And if I back away for too long I think she would only get more distant and be more cold towards me. I spent a week with NC until today. Its her birthday so I politely said a simple "happy Birthday" in text and just asked how the baby was. I know shes not going to answer me. This is literally killing me. I haven't eaten in weeks, I cant sleep because I get woken up with the worse panic atticks and my drinking has increased greatly. At this point I just want the pain to go away and I have tried everything. After our last phone call I had to get away from all the reminders so I packed up and moved back home 600 miles away. Its only getting worse as each day goes by and Im scared. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cheetarah Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 There's no legal action to take right now, unless it is to initiate divorce proceedings. And it doesn't seem like you are going to do that. I am sorry that you're in so much pain. You know she is not going to answer you - Don't do this to yourself. Stop the drinking. You're making it worse, not numbing it out. Is this move of yours temporary? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sharky988 Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 Agreed -- lay off the lawyers for now. It WILL only make things worse. The not eating and not sleeping is all normal and will improve in time. Try not to drink so much -- and whatever you do, no more contacting her for now. Reach out to any friends or family you can and PLEASE feel free to post here as much as you like! People here know what you're going through and never get tired of listening and offering support. Again, here's an excellent guide to help you through, written by a member here: link removed Keep posting! It's confusing now but it DOES get easier with time, honest. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teddybearninja Posted October 31, 2013 Author Share Posted October 31, 2013 Ive actually kinda been through this before with another woman about 5 years ago. My wife now is my first real relationship since then. It took everything I had to pull it together the first time. I don't have it in me to go through this heart break again. Im not sure if my move is temporary or not yet. I just needed to get away. If we end up talking again and she will let me be in my kids life then I will move back to be closer to the baby. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mari Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 Ive actually kinda been through this before with another woman about 5 years ago. My wife now is my first real relationship since then. It took everything I had to pull it together the first time. I don't have it in me to go through this heart break again. Im not sure if my move is temporary or not yet. I just needed to get away. If we end up talking again and she will let me be in my kids life then I will move back to be closer to the baby. If you're religious I would suggest that you define your self worth through what God thinks of you. If you're not, I would suggest you try to define your self worth through something else besides her. If you can then most of your pain will start going down and you'll just miss her. Second, you are still married to her. Please invite her back to your home and try not to react to her through pain. Lastly, think of her situation: She has an ex husband from 3 years ago that goes crazy whenever she's getting close to someone. Clearly hasn't gotten over her. She's not able to avoid this guy well enough. Then she's pregnant and her hormones aren't really helping her out. Finally, she's married to you, but her ex is at work probably trying to woo her away. When he finally gets her, she's still going to have the same problems she did before she went with you. Now multiplied because she has another kid from a new relationship and she got married to someone else. I can't see this ending well for her. So from your side, you could try reading this: link removed Make yourself be the better option for her to return to, and please try to be positive. You weren't married before, no one was with you. Yeah this is a problem, but you got to be with this person and it was enjoyable. Even if things don't work out, she gave you a good year of her life and it was a lot of fun. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superfan Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 Is there ANY chance, ANY chance at all that she has been co-erced or forced into making this decision against her will? I don't know you (or her) but when you said that her ex began "stalking her" it made me wonder if there was more to it. Could it be that she is being threatened (or the safety of her child is being threatened) by this guy? That might explain the hot and cold. I am not trying to give false hope -other posters have made equally logical assessments that it simply may be that she jumped into the relationship with you too quickly and did not fully resolve issues with her ex. You know her far better than any of us so you would be the one who would be able to say whether my other theory holds any water. Either way, I would hold off for now on doing anything. If she wants to start divorce proceedings you will know eventually. In the meantime it can only strengthen your case as father (should it become a custody battle) if you are there and willing to be a parent towards your child. Get a paternity test done as well for that same reason. I am sorry you are going through this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kendahke Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 Ive actually kinda been through this before with another woman about 5 years ago. My wife now is my first real relationship since then. It took everything I had to pull it together the first time. I don't have it in me to go through this heart break again. Im not sure if my move is temporary or not yet. I just needed to get away. If we end up talking again and she will let me be in my kids life then I will move back to be closer to the baby. Try to separate that which you know from that which you are speculating on. Base your moves on what you know... anything you're guessing at, remind yourself that you're guessing and until cold, hard facts are put into your hands, you're not going to allow it to stress you out to the point where you're ruining your liver by drinking in excess. First thing to do is to know for certain that she's carrying your baby because she could very well be carrying her ex's. If it's not yours, then this is all a moot point since she's not going to let you have access if it's his. She also has to know that sinc eyou're her legal husband, you're entitled to a paternity test on the child. In that area, her ex has no standing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teddybearninja Posted November 1, 2013 Author Share Posted November 1, 2013 I do feel not only her ex but also her family helped in her decision. I don't think its by threats just guilt. Her family is very religious and didn't get to know me very well. They judged me because I have tattoos. They also probably told her to get back with him for the sake of there other kids (just a guess). I just don't understand how it was so easy for her to let everything go when we where so happy and just got married. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AE9876 Posted November 1, 2013 Share Posted November 1, 2013 I do feel not only her ex but also her family helped in her decision. I don't think its by threats just guilt. Her family is very religious and didn't get to know me very well. They judged me because I have tattoos. They also probably told her to get back with him for the sake of there other kids (just a guess). I just don't understand how it was so easy for her to let everything go when we where so happy and just got married. She split from her first husband and left her 4 kids. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sharky988 Posted November 2, 2013 Share Posted November 2, 2013 I do feel not only her ex but also her family helped in her decision. I don't think its by threats just guilt. Her family is very religious and didn't get to know me very well. They judged me because I have tattoos. They also probably told her to get back with him for the sake of there other kids (just a guess). I just don't understand how it was so easy for her to let everything go when we where so happy and just got married. The decision to break up was hers and hers alone -- if she wanted to stay with you, no amount of convincing from her ex or her family could've swayed her. You haven't said how long she was with her ex-H, but with 4 children I'm guessing they spend a significant amount of time together. She only had 3 years since their breakup, and had two year-long relationships in that short amount of time.... I think it's pretty clear she was using other people to avoid facing the pain of her divorce and never properly healed from that relationship. I understand you see her as YOUR wife -- and legally, that's true -- but she has 4 children and a long history with her ex-H. If she's chosen to go back to him and work things out, I don't think there's anything you can do other than work to try and accept it. The decision to marry you probably had a lot to do with this new pregnancy.... I think that while YOU were being honorable in making a new life together and were very happy with her, she was still rebounding from her marriage and not being fully honest with you or with herself about what was actually going on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teddybearninja Posted November 2, 2013 Author Share Posted November 2, 2013 I just got a phone call from her regarding our divorce. Why does she talk to me like she hates me? IM the one who had my heart broken but she treats me like . Whenever I ask how the baby is doing all I get is one word answers. I have a feeling she isn't going to let me be a part of the babys life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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