Found condoms. Uh-oh?

[Mercurial Girl]

He has a "history", he already cheated on you, and you guys aren't having sex and haven't for 7 months. And his cheating "doesn't reflect who he really is", uh huh. The first bit of a relationship reflects a person presenting the absolute best of themselves, and the best of him is cheating. But he has issues with self-sabotage and inadequacy so it's ok, you forgive him.

 

Oh but those are past things and they don't apply to the issue at hand. Right.

 

Is he waiting for whatever he has to clear up because he caught it when he cheated on you?

 

Seriously, the condoms are the least of your problems. I'm fairly certain you're excusing GLARING RED FLAGS because you'd rather be with someone anyone than "alone". I'm sorry but no one with a solid self-esteem forgives cheating SO early into a relationship and excuses it with "ohh he has feelings of inadequacy", followed by "not that it's an excuse". (translation: it's an excuse and I'm going to accept it and say that it isn't an excuse because lying to myself feels better than facing the truth)

[journeynow]

Seriously, the condoms are the least of your problems. I'm fairly certain you're excusing GLARING RED FLAGS because you'd rather be with someone anyone than "alone"

 

I agree with Mercurial Girl, I'm sorry to say. I think your radar is up because of these red flags and you are suspicious, but the issue is accepting red flags. Another red flag is that you jumped into this relationship right after you split with your husband (if I remember correctly). It really takes time to process a broken relationship, even if it is over before it's officially over. Something to consider. Naturally there are strong positives about your bf or you wouldn't be with him at all, but that doesn't mean ignoring red flags will serve you. Only you can decide how many red flags you will accept.

[itsallgrand]

Yeah, I agree with Merc and journeynow.

 

I didn't want to push the issue though because I sensed you were getting defensive about even speaking about 'the past' and why also the two of you are not having sex.

 

Also, the fact that his inadequacies (in your opinion, and probably how he explained it) were the cause of him screwing around; that to me would be more frightening than if he were plain up doing it for the sex.

 

It may sound harsh but ...how can you trust someone who can't even trust themselves?? Controlled by low self esteem, or ego, or whatever.

 

I also don't understand the part where - he had whatever it is which is preventing the two of you from having sex prior - so he had it when he screwed around with that chick. How come he was ok with doing that? So he was ok with infecting HER?!

[Firiel]

 

Oh but those are past things and they don't apply to the issue at hand. Right.

 

Seriously, the condoms are the least of your problems. I'm fairly certain you're excusing GLARING RED FLAGS because you'd rather be with someone anyone than "alone". I'm sorry but no one with a solid self-esteem forgives cheating SO early into a relationship and excuses it with "ohh he has feelings of inadequacy", followed by "not that it's an excuse". (translation: it's an excuse and I'm going to accept it and say that it isn't an excuse because lying to myself feels better than facing the truth)

 

No, clearly the past does relate to the issue at hand, which is why I mentioned it in the first place. That moment did and does affect our relationship. I don't think it defines our relationship, but it is there. And maybe it is just a low self-esteem that is causing me to make this decision. I don't feel that's the case, but I'm also not really the most impartial judge. I do recognize that. Maybe I am just lying to myself. I fully admit that is a possibility. But for me, in the moment, forgiving him was a very empowering moment-- a moment of being able to take control of my life and make a decision for myself. Maybe it was a moment of false empowerment ultimately based on submission, and I suppose time will tell. And I'll be facing the consequences of that if it turns out to be the case.

 

I agree with Mercurial Girl, I'm sorry to say. I think your radar is up because of these red flags and you are suspicious, but the issue is accepting red flags. Another red flag is that you jumped into this relationship right after you split with your husband (if I remember correctly). It really takes time to process a broken relationship, even if it is over before it's officially over. Something to consider. Naturally there are strong positives about your bf or you wouldn't be with him at all, but that doesn't mean ignoring red flags will serve you. Only you can decide how many red flags you will accept.

 

There are a lot of red flags. I know I would probably be telling someone the same thing as an outsider looking in. But thank you for recognizing that there must be some very strong positives about him. I do appreciate that.

Yeah, I agree with Merc and journeynow.

 

I didn't want to push the issue though because I sensed you were getting defensive about even speaking about 'the past' and why also the two of you are not having sex.

 

Also, the fact that his inadequacies (in your opinion, and probably how he explained it) were the cause of him screwing around; that to me would be more frightening than if he were plain up doing it for the sex.

 

It may sound harsh but ...how can you trust someone who can't even trust themselves?? Controlled by low self esteem, or ego, or whatever.

 

I also don't understand the part where - he had whatever it is which is preventing the two of you from having sex prior - so he had it when he screwed around with that chick. How come he was ok with doing that? So he was ok with infecting HER?!

 

I really only felt defensive about why we aren't having sex. I've faced a lot of judgment for my sexual decisions/sexual ability/sexuality in the past so I do tend to be overly sensitive about people suggesting what I should or shouldn't be doing based on the norms of what everyone else is doing. It's something that I will have to work through, I know, because those assumptions permeate our culture.

 

To his credit, he didn't make any excuses. He told me, sat down with me and answered any questions I had, and when he realized that I was considering staying with him, he left me alone completely for a few days while I made my decision.

 

As to his infecting this other woman, from what I gathered from things he said (again, I could lay out what he said at every juncture, but if you really want more information, PM me), he's quite careful about not exposing other people. My guess would be a) that she already had it, b) that she was vaccinated, and/or c) that they didn't "have sex," but rather "fooled around" to avoid any significant danger of exposure. I honestly didn't grill him on this at the time.

[Fudgie]

Firiel,

 

I don't think anyone should be judging you on the sex issue alone. When a couple decides to wait, how long is totally up to them. As long as both are happy with it, then it doesn't really matter if you're waiting for 7 days, 7 weeks, 7 months, 7 years...

 

I think what people, including myself, are concerned about is not so much that you're not having sex, but rather the fact that you aren't having sex when he's already slept with someone else so early on in the relationship. It's very contradictory. It makes you wonder.

[greywolf]

Even if these things are true, I'm not sure why you need to be so upset and judgmental about it.

[Steve55]

Firiel,

 

I don't think anyone should be judging you on the sex issue alone. When a couple decides to wait, how long is totally up to them. As long as both are happy with it, then it doesn't really matter if you're waiting for 7 days, 7 weeks, 7 months, 7 years...

 

I think what people, including myself, are concerned about is not so much that you're not having sex, but rather the fact that you aren't having sex when he's already slept with someone else so early on in the relationship. It's very contradictory. It makes you wonder.

 

Totally agree. Well said. The issue is not no sex, but rather the fact he's already slept with someone else so early on in your relationship..

 

OP: Take it from me. I ignored several red flags, not the least of which was her telling me no sex (Based on her religious convictions), which I bought, ignoring the fact that she described an ex-BF in an LTR several years before as a "real player". In the back of my mind, I thought, "How could she keep this guy around for two years without sex?" Then came the big revelation about the married guy she was hooking up with while we were dating.. Guess she just didn't want to have sex with me? Maybe I wasn't "bad boy" enough? Who knows? It doesn't matter now. The point is, I wish I was more intune to the red flags before I got hurt..

 

I wish you the best.

[mmnyc5052]

Well, I didn't really have the guts to say it, but Mercurial girl did. Exactly what she posted.

 

Look--you really never know. But to me this just smells off. Right off the bat, first impressions, even after thinking about it all, even thought you've said you talked about it -- it just seems a little skewed. Trust me, I am not just saying this to be rude or negative or anything -- for everyone who posts on here, I wish absolutely the very best -- but to me, it just isn't all right.

 

I think it's great you guys can talk so honestly and openly about things. I would be cautious. From what I gather, your ex cheated on you and I get the sense (though I may be totally wrong here) that you are USED to making excuses for red flags/wrongdoings in order to surpass whatever issue is at hand. I note this only as a constructive "criticism." You deserve the best, someone who will treat you with UTMOST respect and love, and I just say with this guy it seems off, even if he said it was from a clinic. Put all the facts together and look at this as if your best friend was in your situation. What would you think then? Believe him or not, trust or not, but please --- for your safety, wellness, and happiness, be a little cautious. All the BEST.

[lerenard]

What keeps me wondering here is WHY would a guy stay in a sexless relationship for 7+ months, if he can (and did already) go and have sex with someone else?

He is either a biggest lair, keeping you around for whatever reason but sleeping with someone else behind your back and telling you he has "something" that even condoms can`t save you from, or he truly loves you and wants to stay with you even now when you can`t have sex. I know there is a ton of reasons why a couple would postpone sex, but for me personally lovemaking is very important. If he can`t actually penetrate you - you still can "fool around", nobody cancelled orals and hand jobs, toys and so on. But no sex at all? hmmm.

[Firiel]

At the risk of giving more information than I'm comfortable giving, we don't have sex (as mentioned to explain why seeing condoms would be weird), but... well... we don't just sit around in parkas and watch TV all night either.

[Iggles]

telling you he has "something" that even condoms can`t save you from

 

this and

 

At the risk of giving more information than I'm comfortable giving, we don't have sex (as mentioned to explain why seeing condoms would be weird), but... well... we don't just sit around in parkas and watch TV all night either.

 

Does not match up.. You don't have to explain anymore then you already have (since you've stated going into details makes you uncomfortable).

 

That said, if you're fooling around with this guy via non-penetrative sex acts and he has an STD that condoms can't fully prevent, then you are putting yourself in a vulnerable position. Unless he stays fully clothed every time and there is zero genital to skin/mouth contact.