Moral dilemma??? Best friends wife.........

[Lost in Ontario]

Moral dilemma??? Best friends wife.........

 

 

Hi folks, first time here, just looking for a little advise.

 

Been in an unhappy marriage for 7 years, been together 20(she cheated 7 yrs ago, I took her back, has been rocky since,stuck with is mostly for our now 14yr old daughter) My dilemma is ............out of the blue a week ago my best friends(20 yrs) wife , asked if she could talk to me about something one afternoon. We have known each other 15yrs, always got along good etc, never thought much of it. She drops a bomb on me, that she has always had feelings for me(10+ yrs), and the last few years, they have been much stronger, she finally had to either ask me or move on. She stated while she loved her husband , she felt as more of a friend, not as husband and wife.They don't fight or anything, just fell out of love, although, I think its more her than him, I'm almost sure he doesn't feel this way. She went through a bad birth 4 yrs ago,died on the table, and she says since then she says she has changed( and she has, she is much more laid back, seems to enjoy life more, etc)I have always thought she was great, attractive, etc, but had NEVER even thought of doing anything about it. We are far more alike than our current spouses, even they have joked about that. We have met just about everyday for lunch, so far just lots of kissing, but lots more is on our minds. After our talk, the first day she told him, that she only saw him as a friend, but did not tell him about us. While I can really see this working, the train wreck that will insue WILL be huge. We are both prof. people, making very good money, big mortgages, I have a 14yr old, she a 4 yr old. , her and MY wife are good friends, god the list goes on. And the part that will hurt me the most, will be doing this to him. We have been VERY good friends, a long time,and been through alot of crap together. But at the same time I am VERY attracted to her, and can easily see being with her. I know this isn't just a fling on her part, she is not that type of woman. And she has much to lose, money wise, her family thinks hes great, he IS a great guy and treats her like gold, etc. So what does a guy do??????????????????? Does stuff like this ever work out? Its seems so crazy, yet I can't help how I feel towards her. I've thought a million times over the last week for and against this, but I just CAN'T step back,I don't think I've ever wanted something so bad.I know its so wrong , yet it feels SO RIGHT, and we both feel this way.Thoughts anyone?

[CarterJonas]

hi and welcome,

 

You can correct me if I am wrong, but I think that the number one reason someone cheats is because they are not happy in their relationship. It seems to me that you and your wife have not got over her cheating all those years back.

 

I think that in your situation you have to also think about your daugter and her child as well and how this will affect them. Do you still want your marriage to work out? If you didn't have a daughter would you still be with her?

 

I honestly don't know what I would do in your situation. I guess you somehow have to balance everything up before deciding.

 

I'm sorry I can't be of any more help.

[Lost in Ontario]

Yeah have gone over it 7 yrs ago. **I** thought I would be able to get over it, in time, but have come to realize that I can't and never will.. And the fact that it has always been somewhat rocky over the years probably doesn't help. I have realized my marriage is over, and have been in it this long probably mostly for the daughter, she was very upset when she left 7 years ago , as she left for 2 weeks right at xmas out of the blue. So the not seeing her for 2 weeks really upset the daughter.

 

As for the children, I will do whatever I have to make it as easy as possible for them. I'm almost sure my daughter will be fine, as she has several friends that have single/split parent families and I have heard them talking about it. Shes a good kid and has her head on straight. Hers is too young to really have a full grasp, and he(hubby) will always be there anyway, they have allready agreed to split everything 50/50, and share custody.

 

Thanks for the reply, it all helps!

[kalshane]

Would you divorce your wife? How would you deal with the house? Your child? If you are ready to risk it those things would come first. The major issue is your unhappiness. The next thing is the affair. Is your best friend's wife worth risking your friendship? I'm the kinda guy that thinks not. Are you capable of that kind of betrayal? What if things don't work out with her 1, 5, 10 years down the line? What will you think about this critical period? You would want to be happy with the decision you made. Persuing anything more with her would be too risky in my opinion. Stop now and deal with your marriage before you lose respect in the eyes of those that love you.

[Lost in Ontario]

Will I divorce her? Yes ....there is nothing to deal with, I knew 3-4 years ago I could never stay in this...........sad I know, but did this more for the daughter than anything I guess. House? Couldn't care less. Is she worth risking it all for? Yes , I already am. As for betrayal, I certainly didn't think I could ever do something like this, but I have , because of how strong I feel about her.Its what bothers me the most of all this. If this was ANYONE else, I would be concerned about 1 or 10 years down the road, but I have known her so long, and so well, I don;t really see it being a problem, but you never can tell I guess. She gave me a list the other day, she had wrote down, over the last 10 years(!), things she likes about me, things we had all done together,things I liked,etc. It blew my mind she has felt this way for SO LONG.

[Lost in Ontario]

anyone else want to comment, ...................... am I nuts?

[VitaminS]

Nosey bastard!

[Lost in Ontario]

Thats the thing with this, its NOT just about sex, and I find it VERY strange to say this as I'm a guy!!! Its about something, I have NEVER felt before, a connection I feel so VERY strong about. I still can't believe I even feel this way, its not something I would have ever thought I COULD feel.

[Abacab]

From your posts it appears you're emotionally at a point of no return. Not wanting to hurt your friendship with the other guy is understandable.

 

However, if both of your marriages are doomed, I would suggest that you and her first get divorced, then united. But in the meantime (until both divorces are over) you should bite the bullet and pursue a strict NC policy, which should'nt be so painful if the objective is clear.

[Lost in Ontario]

NC?

[Lost in Ontario]

NC? No contact? That won'r work, its a year in Ontario for a legal divorce

[Goodgirl]

Lost in Ontario, your topic hits me hard. It hits me so hard I am getting anxious writing this to you. You have described something that has happened to me only I was the child in the situation. My parents had some friends that we would always hang out with, holidays, bbq's you name it , we did it all together. I was about 8 and 9 when this was goin gone. When I was 9 my mother got pregnant, and she had transfered us ( my sister and I ) to the same school that this couple's children attended. By then my parents started seeing less and less of this couple, but now we saw the kids at school. I never thought of anything wrong, they even babtized my lil brother with them as the godparents. I will tell you more, just will be back later. Please whatever you do, don't think about yourself, think of your child, her child. That is the most important.

[Goodgirl]

Ok to continue my story. The couple had a son the same age as I , and we were friends, as much as 10yr old boys and girls are. One day after school, he told me that his parent's were getting divorced and they were because "HIS DAD LIKED MY MOM"!!!!!!!!!! As a 10 yr old girl, I didn't know much about divorce or what "liked meant". But, I remember crying that night and writing it all in my diary. I was so scared of what that meant, cause I didn't see anything wrong with my parents. I later scribbled out everything in my diary, fearing my mother would see it, and it would be true.A few yrs went by, and by the time I was 12 well ,

 

Things began to fall apart by then, I as the oldest child became a live in baby sitter. My parents would fight constantly and I took care of my lil brother and 9 old sister when they would fight. I remember being so torn up when my father told me he was leaving. By the time I was 13 it was all over, my parents went out on a full fledged war, and I was in the middle. My mom would take us out of town or to her sister's to avoid my dad. I would try to see him and leave him notes when we left suddenly. My mother began letting me spend lots of time with my friends, and make me take my lil sister along.

 

As the separation began, my mom had me sleep with her in fear that my father would come at night. My parents would have me split trying to get me to take sides. One day my father told me that my mom had cheated on him and it was with this man!!! he even showed me a letter, apparently the guys wife went and told my dad everything. I fell apart tried to run away, and she admitted it to me at 13! Well the divorce rolled around just as I was almost 15. But at 14 I will never forget my mom confessed to me that my little brother was this other man's son, and that I needed to keep it a secret, and treat my brother nicely. I kept it to myself, and was shocked but kinda knew in my heart from the beginning. My little brother looks like his father, and nothing like my dad or us. Soon after the divorce "he" moved in. I hated him with a passion, I was 14 years old and he is the reason my parents broke up. My mom always had him hidden, and justified cause she was "in love" I think after all the fighting they did, and the akwardness of the situation, I lost it on my mother. I had been ill and coming down with something close to an ulcer. I had been pretty resourseful and found out it could be caused by stress. One night when My mother and I had a fight I told her I was unhappy, and could not stand " him" I told her the reason I was sick was because of him, and all the stress she put upon me. I left for a weekend for a church retreat and came back and he was gone. I never asked why or how, I was just glad.

 

Well about 3 months later she started dating this other guy, and the divorce was final , and I turned 15.Things settled down a bit.

 

I am now 24 and since then have had lots of time to reflect and come to understand more of what was going on. My mom has told me what and why this happened, and it doesn't justify what she did, but two wrongs don't make a right.

 

Apparently my father had been messing around, I say apparently cause I still have not confronted him about it. But, I believe it now because of how he is in his current marriage. But, back to my point, this guy who was my dad's friend , well call him " Joe" he saw what my dad did, and immediately went and told my mom everything. Her being torn apart fell vunerable to him and they began to have an affair. They had my brother out of an "accident" but it's how things happened, and I am grateful to have him he is an amazing boy, who is now 14 himself.

 

But, this story doesn't end, it continues on to this day, and may not apply to your situation. But, it's something to think about, when you think of all the possible situations you may be in if you persue a relationship with your friend's wife.

 

My father' became very distant, focused alot on trying to settle down with someone else. My mom gained weight and became a meaner person than I ever knew. But, my father "believed" for 8 yrs that My brother was his son, but I think in his heart he knew that he wasn't. My mother and his father " Joe" decided at 7 yrs old it was time to tell my brother who his father was. I knew about it of course, I knew way too much sometimes. Keeping that secret from my own father, and family for so long was terrible. I was the only one who knew, besides my own mother's , mother.

 

Then my mother told my father, and it was war again. Now both men did the worst possible thing I could imagine a father doing. My father gave up all parental rights to stop paying child support and dropped him from his insurance. I don't know how the court let him, cause he signed the birth certificate, but he did. I still hate him for that. But, "joe" ( here's a winner) stop seeing my brother all together. So my innocent little brother was left without a father until recently, which I still am dealing with.

 

But to cut it short, my mom had another child about 2 yrs ago, and was going to court to get child support. They then saw that no father was providing for my other brother and began to inquire about who is father was. They went to court,and this man "Joe" who loved and cared about my brother and mother so much at one time , faught the lawsuit. he told my mother that " she should not have had an affair while she was married". He even had his kids on his side, his own children who are grown, one older than me, did not want him to pay child support for their lil brother. But after a DNA test it was done, and the got the child support, along with visitation rights. So now after all these years my brother is now seeing his father and even had his last named legally changed to his. I still have problems with this cause my brother wants a father so badly he does not care that this man abandoned him and refused to see him. It kills me that they had to go to court to make this man see his own son.

 

Finally , this is what it comes down to, if your going to do this, and your not happy do it all the way, and do it right.

 

Don't keep thinking about it , you and your wife either try to figure out what's next, by counseling , or speaking to a lawyer, but do it now. If your going to get divorced , just do it.

 

Stop seeing this woman , it is wrong you are a married man with a family. You need to see how you can live out on your own without a woman at your side, don't do it for the other woman, do it for yourself.

 

And your daughter, you need to really think about her the most. How is she gonna feel if she sees you with a woman who is her mother's friend? I guarantee that she will hate you, she is only 14.

 

After you and your wife come to a decision, then you both talk to her and explain without pointing fingers or telling lies. Just simply put it that you two are grown ups who have fallen out of love, and can't work it out. Take some time apart, to let her adjust. Do not tell her about her mother's affair or yours that is between you and your wife, it has nothing to do with her.

 

See her as much as possible, don't try to overcompenstate for not being there every night. But, be supportive and listen, 14 is a very vunerable age she needs her father now more than ever.

 

Oh and most importantly for you and your wife!!!!!!!!!! DO NOT TALK BAD ABOUT EACH OTHER TO YOUR DAUGHTER OR IN FRONT OF HER. RESPECT THE MOTHER OF YOUR CHILD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Your wife should do the same.

 

I know you read this and think I may be a little nuts, well yeah maybe. But I lived in the middle of this very situation , which was worse because of my little brother involved.

 

I try to be logical and reasonable, and here's one more thing. If you and this woman really are meant to be together, then your time will come. But , this is not the right way. An affair is never the way to start a new relationship, please tell me if you have heard of success stories from affairs.

 

I don't believe that trust is ever established when you know that the other person began seeing you , by cheating on thier significant other.

 

It still hurts to think about how much my siblings and I went through, and my brother today. So think about your child or her child will feel in the long run, think about their future.

[Lost in Ontario]

WOW what can I say!! God I can't imagine what that must have been like.

But rest assured, the daughter comes first, above all else. We are all quite resonable people, I'm a little worried maybe the Wife might not be, but I think she 'll keep it clean for the daughters sake. Thanks everyone for the responses so far. Its nice to get all different opinions.

[Goodgirl]

You say your daughter is a priority then stick with that. I know way to much about divorce. I'd say almost every relative I have has been divorced, on both parents sides. I have always seen the father bail out on his children, and focus selfishly on themselves. It is very sad, and the children are the one's who suffer the most.

[Lost in Ontario]

There is nothing in the world that would make me abandon the daughter.

[Lost in Ontario]

Well we spent about 6 hours together friday nite, and it was unbelievable. I have NEVER in my life felt about someone like this. I'm not usually a very emotional person, but she brings out something in me I have never felt. Thanks for all the comments folks, no matter the outcome, we are going through with this. We will take it slow as far as moving in together, for the kids sake.

[Lost in Ontario]

Well Xmas and NewYears over with!! We told the Daughter last nite, ....... she seems much better with it than i thought, but we will keep a close eye on her. We also told her we could have her see a counsellor if she wanted too. Houses are 4 sale, all still going well. Wow ............strange how quick your life can change.

[Abacab]

Hello there,

 

Glad to hear things are going well. Don't forget that you both still face an uphill battle, which I believe you will win through your determination.

 

Best of luck to you and your new family..

[Lost in Ontario]

Spent another 6 or 7 hours together on friday, was very very nice. Daughter is still dealing with it very well which is nice. Still having her see a counsellor just to be safe. "She" has an apartment rented, and their house is sold, so still moving along nice..........and no regrets at all with either one of us.

[Lost in Ontario]

I guess one other thing I should mention, that is a bit weird...............In talking with him, he has moved on better than I would have thought, and in some of the conversations we have had talking about women, what we are looking for, etc, he has mentioned several times," you and **** (his ex) should hook up! I was taken aback by him saying that, but what he said, was, that while he realizes its over, he hopes she hooks up with someone decent, so shes happy. And that we are so much alike. Another bit of sureality to add to all this.

[Lost in Ontario]

Well has been 10 weeks now, and still all very good. Has been easier than I would have at first thought. I guess its not over and done with yet, but still has not been near as ugly as I thought it might be. Thanks for all the comments and replies everyone.

[mt_joy]

Okay, I haven't read all the posts, but hre's my 2 cents. If you're both still married, you should not cheat. You know it's wrong; that's why you came here. So... either you both need to divorce (doesn't sound like anyone's happy anyway) and try out this new relationship or avoid contact with each other apart from your spouses. Does your 14 year old daughter really need to find out that her dad is cheating in her mom with her mom's close friend? I think not.

[Lost in Ontario]

We are all legally separated,and will divorce after a year has passed( thats the law in Ontario) their house is sold, and he has bought another, and she moves to an apt. , end of feb. My house is 4 sale, and will soon be gone.

[Lost in Ontario]

Well, been just over 3 months now, and it is still GREAT. She moves to her own place in 2 weeks, my house should be sold very soon. Daughter still taking it ok, but I keep a close eye on her. I didn't think it was possible to be this happy, in all my years.